Big Brother 9 - Episode 4

Previously on Big Brother: Faux Lesbian Addition, Alex and Amanda won HOH, Allison and Sheila became fake lesbians, Jen and Ryan were outed, Parker and Jen and Allison and Ryan were nominated for eviction, and I realized the only way this season will have a happy ending is an anthrax attack.  On with the show.

A note on the opening credits, Neil  the most awesome house guest ever!, is now missing.  As in, his picture isn't in the opening credits, and he's not even shown leaving the game.  It's as if Neil vanished completely without a trace.  Like the ratings for this show.  Also, when you leave (unless you are Neil), your picture goes to black and white.  Sharon's is back in color.  Nice going with the editing CBS.  Her picture is now shown with Joshua's, so you know just what's going to happen to Neil and Sharon before the show begins thanks to this botched credit sequence.


You know, I don't go out of my way to find things to bitch about, really I don't.  It just takes a special kind of stupid though to fuck up an OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE.  Jesus Christ, how much does this show suck if they can't do that simple thing without screwing it up!?

The show begins with a flashback to things we saw thirty seconds ago, the nominations of the two couples.  Jen starts sobbing, almost as if telling everyone your big secret was a bad idea.  Well, can't take it back now nimrod.

Amanda and Alex blah-blah in the DR about why they nominated Jen and Ryan, asking why two people should be fighting for the half million.  Well, since everyone is playing in pairs, eight sets of two people are playing for the money.  Your word choice sucks.

Parker tells Ryan and Jen in the sauna room that he's sorry, and they all just had a disadvantage.  Yeah, you guys had the disadvantage of Juile telling the whole house of Jen and Ryan's relationship on the first night.  No, wait you didn't.  You actually had the advantage of a secret, four way alliance, but you decided "Fuck that noise" and created a disadvantage for yourselves!  I'd be more mad, but seeing stupid people being punished for being stupid makes me smile.

Jen decides we don't know the obvious yet, so she takes time to point out she and Ryan are on the block together, and this is bad.  Well maybe you should have been more subtle about your secret relationship, instead of practically broadcasting it through a megaphone!

We now return to Parker in the DR, calling Jen and idiot and pointing out he has to suffer because of it.  True, but Parker, need I remind you that you were on board with Operation: Tell Everyone Our Secret.  What I find amusing is Allison, who is beaming with joy.  She's either ecstatic that Jen could be going home, or she's flying high on some good shit Adam gave her.  I'm going with the later.

Allison then decides Jen's game is over and it's time to start planning for the future.  Wow, a player thinking ahead!  It almost makes you forget this woman told a really stupid lie about being a lesbian!

Parker goes to comfort Jen in the sauna room, with Jen whining about everyone looking out for themselves.  In a game where only one person could win!?  Who would have thunk it!

Amanda shows up, greeting them with a "bueno".  She then asks Jen if she's mad at her.  No Amanda, Jen is thrilled that someone she considered a friend put her on the block and want's her going home.  The mass that should be in your brain, it ended up in your ass didn't it Amanda?

Amanda blah-blahs about Ryan needs to go, Ryan's got to go home, and Jen swears she will vote Ryan out and actively try to eliminate him!  Jen then states she and Ryan were going to have each others backs, but now that it isn't convenient for Jen, she'll throw him in front of an oncoming bus to save herself.  No I do not mean that metaphorically.

Let's pause for a moment, and talk about Season 10.  In the first week of Season 10, Dan and Brian made an alliance.  Brian was nominated for eviction, and Dan continued to campaign for his friend, and was the only one not to vote him out.  Dan was able to use this to show people he was trustworthy, and it allowed him to survive until the house divided and he could pick a side.

Jen has decided to go the exact opposite route!  Instead of showing she's trustworthy, Jen has shown she would rip out her boyfriends heart and devour it if she thought it would keep her around.  Dan and Brian knew each other for one week, Jen and Ryan have been dating for nine months!  Who in their right mind would align themselves with a crazy chick who screwed over her own boyfriend?  Jen yaps more about having to be selfish, as if Jen really needs an excuse to be selfish.  Is the show over yet?

We move ahead in time, Amanda and Parker are alone, and Parker wishes Amanda were his partner.  He's obviously not spent much time with her.  Amanda is upset she put Parker up on the block, and I'd point out she didn't have to put him up, but this rather subtle point would be lost on Amanda.

The scene then changes to one of the more infamous, stupid, and callous moments of this show, the departure of Neil.  How do we get told about Neil's departure?  Joshua walks into the Diary Room, and tells the audience Neil is gone, his picture has vanished, and he will never be mentioned again.  CBS claims Neil had a personal emergency.  I choose to believe Joshua whacked Neil over the head with a meat mallet, and ate him, so CBS did what the always do, covered it up.

Joshua, while picking bits of Neil from his teeth, talks about how he needs a new partner.  He mentions Jacob and Sharon have been sequestered, and that tells me that someone else will be returning to this game much later.  Why bother sequestering them?  Well I was right, someone would end up returning, their was still no reason to pay for a sequester house though.

    "So what happened to Neil"
       "He was delicious"

Joshua has to choose for his partner either Sharon, who is boring, or Jacob, who is so stupid that reality warps around him.  I say choose Jacob.  Sadly, Joshua chooses Sharon, who might be smarter, but has all the charm and personality of a freshly painted wall.

So Sharon returns through the Diary Room, and is greeted by a screeching Joshua.  Joshua blah-blahs about being a straight man now, and honestly I'm so bored by all of this I tune out most of what he says.  The rest of the house guests are in the living room when Sharon walks out, and they cheer for some reason.  They knew this girl for three days, that's not long enough to leave a lasting impression.

Parker and Jen both look super happy, no doubt counting on her for a vote.  Yes, I'm sure Sharon will gladly vote to save the couple who claimed to be her friends and then evicted her.  Morons.

Someone needs to fill in Sharon on what's happened in the house, and since Amanda doesn't have a mute button, she takes on the task.  Parker ends up telling her Jen and Ryan were dating, also claiming the idea was to take out Allison and Ryan.  I'm sure Sharon feels way better knowing her attempts to save herself were about as effective as tossing an anchor to a drowning man.

Sharon is naturally pissed, especially since Jen was the one she told about Jacob.  So?  Frankly, that makes you as big a moron as Jen.  Do not tell ANYONE you know someone else you twit!  And if you must, make sure Amanda isn't standing beside you.  Sharon continues to bitch about Jen lying to her.  Well duh, what would you expect her to do?  How many people would be thrilled to learn Jen had a boyfriend playing with her in the house?  Why is it people have tried to convince me Sharon that you're one of the smart ones this season?

Parker asks for forgiveness, with Sharon giving the usual spiel about forgiving but not forgetting, even though holding a grudge means you didn't forgive.  Sharon and Joshua then sit down and talk about not making deals behind each others backs, a deal Joshua will forget when it's no longer convenient to remember.'

With that crap out of the way, it's time for more crap, courtesy of everyone's favorite hamster on a helium diet, Amanda.  Amanda whines about Alex being mean because he wont rub her back.  I say give him a BJ in exchange for a back rub, it worked for Natalie.  Amanda whines to the entire kitchen for a back rub, and Parker takes one for the team and says he'll give Amanda one.  Alex talks about how everyone is frustrated with Amanda because she "flaunts her stuff" (so does every girl in this house) and it bothers him.  Well here's a thought, talk to her about it!

Parker gives her a full body rub, and Amanda calls his bad attitude sexy.  Adam points out Parker has the hots for Amanda, making a face like a pedophile as he says it.  Amanda now gives Parker a massage, and Alex walks in while the dramatic music plays.  Oh please.  Amanda and Alex do not like each other, they're together for one reason, a stupid twist.  Stop acting like this is a soap opera!

Alex is pissed at Amanda, and once again, why were you not massaging her if you're jealous?  He claims he doesn't want emotions to get in the way of game play (oh please, then why aren't Ryan and Allison your targets?  Admit it, you're after Jen and Parker because you don't like them.).  Amanda whines about the amount of drama in the house, a lot of which she helped spread, like when she claimed her partner finger raped her.  Did you know that Alex fingered Amanda's...something, and she claimed it was like rape?  Do you see why I hate this chick?

Our next scene shows us Ryan and Jen making out, before going and having sex in the bathroom.  I'm dead serious.  CBS desperately tries to convince us this is charming instead of sleazy.  The only thing I'm convinced of is CBS is going to need to burn that bathroom down with flame-throwers before it's sanitary enough to use.  Why did the two of them bang on national TV?  Jen calls going two weeks without sex frustrating.  Jen, I've gone twenty-one years without sex, I think you can manege two weeks, especially given that your eviction is coming.

Seriously, did the casting sheet for this season read WANTED: YOUNG HORNY IDIOTS.  INTELLIGENCE OPTIONAL, THOSE WITH PERSONALITIES NEED NOT APPLY.

For fuck's sake, Parker wandered in in the middle of this, and Jen and Ryan are surprised.  Well maybe you two should have waited till night instead of going to the only public shitter in the middle of the day to fuck!  Ryan states he only needs fifteen seconds.  You should not be bragging about this dude.

Let me pause for a moment and go on a rant that just about why Season 10 was so good and why this season was so shit.  Ryan and Jen were the backup couple of this season.  CBS had originally selected another couple to participate.  That couple?  Dan and his girlfriend Monica.

Dan the winner from season 10, who avoided fights, went out of his way to be nice to Jerry, never got a vote cast against him, and won by unanimous vote...was supposed to be in this house among the drunk, horny idiots.  Do you think Dan would have had a chance to stand out in this cast of morons, or would he and Monica have been quickly shipped out the door?  Most likely, one of the best players of all time would have been cost his win, and Season 10 would have had Memphis as the winner.

Back to the show, we get Sheila (damn it), and Allison talking.  It's about Allison and Sheila only trust each other, and how they shouldn't tell anyone they're lesbians (which should be easy because they AREN'T) which doesn't work since they told Chelsia and Joshua.  Sheila calls it a secret they are keeping.  It's not a secret you nimrod, it isn't true!

We move on to Chelsia, dressed in her finest hoody but sadly not in her finest underwear nor pants.  She says that she has to tell James since they're working together.  1.  You wont be forever.  2.  You have NO REASON to tell James at all.

James believes that the two are lesbians because that would explain why Sheila is such a bitch...to Adam.  Or she could be straight and just be a bitch dude.  We then get...ugh, something I've put off talking about.

In every house their are animals to take care of, usually a fish tank.  Sometimes they get turtles or lizards.  For Season 9, the house got a couple guinea pigs in a glass tank.  Why have I avoided talking about them?  Because these two motherfucking rodents actually caused a house guest to lose the game!  More on that (much) later.

James blathers about how Sheila and Allison are a third couple, so the wheels were turning (backwards) in his head, and James came to the conclusion their must be a fourth couple.  Why?  One of the toys in the guinea pigs cage is made up of four different colored pieces.  He even starts counting things numbered four, convinced that their is now a fourth couple, while prancing in his underwear.  Okay, the number four has no significance.  The producers are not sending you a message, and God is not speaking to you Natalie!  I mean James!

Well Inspector James decides to continue the investigation, by questioning Alex in the back yard.  The two are sunbathing together, and I have one question.  ...What the hell would Alex know about a fourth relationship?  James lists his evidence, the toy in the guinea pig cage, and then claims he wont cause drama.  Alex calls his partner his weakness (no shit), and James claims Chelsia isn't his.  Yeah, James greatest weakness is James.

Amanda is messing with Parker near the two sunbathers, and Alex is convinced the two of them had a prior thing.  Either that, or Amanda thinks you treat her like crap (which you do, but she deserves it), and she's spending time with someone else.

We then see Sharon cutting Alex's hair in the bathroom, with Ryan, Chelsia, and Alex watching.  These people lead dull lives.  Alex states that their is a fourth relationship in the house, based on the mad ramblings of a loser with a pink mohawk who wants to bike around the world.

You know, some people have claimed Big Brother 9 is really good trash TV, really entertaining.  Scenes like this are why that argument falls flat on its ass.  Their are endless scenes of people restating the same things over and over, of having the same arguments and conversations all the fucking time, and it drags what ever momentum their is to a halt.

Matt has to be the voice of reason oddly, pointing out his boyfriend Alex is over analyzing it all.  Well technically James was over analyzing, Alex just ran with it.  But if their is a 4th relationship, then Matt and Alex were gay lovers before they entered the house.  It would explain why the two like to sit shirtless in the hammock with each other.

Amanda walks in and endears herself to Sharon by pointing out she messed up Matt's hair.  Amanda, Matt had a head of hair that looked like shit, a lawn mower couldn't have messed it up.  Alex says Sharon did a good job, walks off, and Amanda has to ask if Alex is mad.  Nah, your partner loves it when you show up and try to pick fights Amanda.  Matt then tells her Alex isn't mad, but Alex thinks Parker and Amanda knew each other.  Amanda then claims that since she put her hand on the Bible, she can't be lying!  Yeah, because if you lie while touching the Bible, the Earth opens up and swallows you!  Dumbass.

Amanda screeches to us in the DR about how she put her hand on the Bible (WE GET IT), and how she didn't lie because she put her hand on the Holy Bible and on God.  This is what I mean, we heard this exact statement from Amanda thirty seconds ago!  This show spends all its time repeating stuff we've already heard, probably to make sure the retards in the audience get it.

Also, on God?  What the fuck does that mean you idiot?

Amanda then goes up to Alex to bitch to him about him thinking she knows Parker.  As she again reminds us, she put her hand on the Bible.  Thanks Amanda, almost forgot.  Alex then shuts her up by pointing out that means nothing to him (hah), and interrupting her while she tries to yap.  So I guess their compatibility rating, which was based on the idea of Alex liking a nice ass and Amanda having one, wasn't very accurate.  They talk in circles, with James getting mentioned every so often, and Amanda storms off to see Parker.

Parker is as stunned as the audience to learn he and Amanda supposedly knew each other.  They go and talk to Alex, and more of the same, they don't know each other and James told them they did, and Amanda swore on a Bible.

Seeing as their hasn't been enough drama, Amanda and Parker decide to go yell at James in the back yard, for making an assumption.  Mind you he didn't make an accusation, just said the two of them being partners would make sense.  This bit is lost on these morons as they scream at James.  James just looks on confused, before yelling Alex came to him.  They curse at each other, and Parker calls his comments "asinine dumbass asshole comments".  Boy that's a lot of assholes.  The comments were pretty bad also.

It's time for me once again to inject this horrifying thing known as "common sense" into the situation.  Parker, you are up for eviction, and your partner is not well liked.  Should you really be getting into screaming matches with people who can vote to evict you?  If you're Parker the answer is a resounding Yes!  He even starts screaming "fuck you bitch" at James.  Dude, their are other people in the back yard.  Most of the house is.  The house that will be voting for you to stay or go.  Shut the fuck up!

Amanda now decides to talk (oh God) and she gets the screaming started again.  Parker starts cursing and yelling about needing Ms. Cleo, James about him knowing who he's going to vote for, and Alex just sits on a tanning bed and watches his partner ruin any chance he has in this game.  When Alex accidentally calls Parker Amanda's boyfriend, Amanda starts yelling, and she and Alex get into a screaming match!  What is with these people?  Is this why they fuck so often?  If they don't regularly have an orgasm, they start too lose their minds?

Amanda then shows us she is the single most clueless person on Earth when in the DR, she claims Alex started this "drama fest" from pure jealousy.  Jealousy...of a girl he doesn't even like that much.  Also, Moron Girl, Alex didn't start dick, you and Parker did by not shutting your fat fucking mouths.  So shut the fuck up and things will be fine!  She then calls Alex mean.  Ooooh, burn.

Next scene is a scene anyone who is married has experienced, the "grovel for your wife's forgiveness scene".  Amanda claims she's in a love triangle with Alex and Parker, and Alex says he's bothered that Amanda walks around like a slut.  I'd say something, but what can I add?  Alex is trying to get Amanda to not be mad at him, and he called her a slut.  I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry.

Amanda starts to cry as Alex correctly points out running around with her nipples and ass out doesn't help her.  Amanda claims every girl does it, which is bullshit, if every girl dressed like a skank, the world would be a happier place.

Thank God, it's finally time to pick players for the Veto.  When you pick players for the Veto, the HOH and the two nominees pick a name out of a sack.  So it's really luck of the draw that you'll get someone who wants you to get off the block.  Since they're playing as couples, only one other couple will play with them, meaning eight people will play.  That couple is Matt and Natalie.  Who cares.

Natalie says she's excited to get picked, but at the same time nervous.  Don't worry Natalie, just look for a message from God in your cereal to know what to do.  Ryan states that if they get the veto, he and Allison will be safe.  No shit.  Joshua is picked to host.

Now we return to Matt and Parker (NO!  Eject!  Eject!), talking about Parker will probably not be going home.  My guess is when Parker said they needed a psychic int the house, he wasn't talking about Matt.  Their conversation is pointless, other then Parker stating he wants Matt to use the POV on him, and Matt talking about stirring the pot.

Matt does state in the DR he is lying to pacify Parker.  It's rather sad that the smartest house guest so far believes "muckeling" is a word.

Joshua announces it's time for the POV, while dressed as an escaped member of a Barbershop Quartet, and carrying around a Pimp Cane with a giant metal ball on the end.  Sadly he does not take the cane and start whacking people with it, like I would have.

Jen, once again showing us her empathetic side, said she will use the veto on herself, and then happily vote her boyfriend out.  She almost seems giddy about the idea.  Jen then states if Ryan won it, he'd take himself off the block and vote her out too.  Jen, at this point Ryan is justified in grabbing your ass and tossing you out the door.  If you're lucky, he might even decide to open the door before he did it!

The Veto competition looks like a knife throwing act you'd see at a circus, with one person strapped too a wheel.  The difference is, instead of a wheel, we have spinning hearts.  We get it CBS, their is a love theme this season, stop rubbing it in.  Despite my wishes, the challenge does not involve strapping Jen and Amanda to one heart and throwing as many knives as possible into the two in sixty seconds.  No, instead one partner will be on the heart, holding the two metal handles and pressing the panic button.  The other will be spinning.  To win, reach 300 revolutions.  God that's lame.

Natalie talks about how she gets sick easily.  That's weird, I know you can suck a full dick without getting sick, this should be easy.

Parker and Jen quickly fall to a distant last place.  How does Jen help her encourage her partner?  By yelling at him to move faster.  What a gal.  If I were Parker, I'd personally love to spin Jen till her head popped off.

Allison accidentally lets go of the button and she and Ryan are out.  Parker is still in dead last, and Jen's constant screeching isn't helping.  To be honest, he looks like he's wondering if being in the house with Jen is worth it.  The answer Parker, is no.

Alex and Amanda are out next, again thanks to the damn button.  Amanda shows her brain power by claiming she threw the competition, and she thinks Alex and her have targets and people need to view them as week.  Instead, they view them as annoying.

Matt and Natalie continue their steady pace, while Jen's voice reaches a pitch that only dogs can hear.  It's all for not, as Matt and Natalie win the Veto, and Parker leaves Jen strapped to the heart.  Jen still finds a way to bitch about Parker, this time claiming he's falling apart from losing.  Parker calls the hearts "the hearts of death", and given that Jen was strapped to one, he may be right.

Jen states her fate is in Matt and Natalie's hands.  Yes it is.  Bye Jen!  Parker claims, in a Diary Room Session Of Ironic Foreshadowing, that he feels safe with Matt winning the Veto.  Oh Parker, you poor stupid child.  Matt is going to screw you up the ass with a broken bottle, yet you trust him.  You bring this on yourself moron boy.

Matt then decides to tell Parker he's saving him.  Uh, why?  If you lie, and Parker stays, Parker will not trust you and will try to eliminate you!  Parker says he trusts Matt one hundred percent, and Matt will take him off. Which given that Matt said flat out he would do that, you'd assume he would.  You would of course be wrong.  Why did I call Matt the smart one in the house?

The next scene involves Alex and Amanda.  I'm skipping it because it only serves to remind me Amanda is a demon spawn, as she leads Alex on, and then decides she doesn't feel shit for him.  You know, if the Veto challenge had been "stab your partner in the face with a knife", all Amanda would have to do is tell Alex she likes to screw with his head, and he'd have won it.

With that stupidity out of the way, it's time for the Veto.  Matt has decided not to use the Veto, but tell Parker he would.  Matt and Natalie do decide not to use the Veto, not because they don't want to save Parker, but because they want to evict Jen (hooray!).

Well either Jen and Parker or Allison and Ryan will be evicted!  And in all honesty, who gives a flying crap monkey!

WHO WILL SURVIVE?