We get a flashback to the eviction of Jen and Parker. Ryan calls it bittersweet, while I just call it sweet. He then claims he's in this game now for himself And Jen. Amanda sobs that she's in this house with people she doesn't like and that she didn't want Jen and Parker to go home. Then maybe you shouldn't have nominated them shit-head.
Alex is glad Parker left because he liked Amanda. Dude, you don't like Amanda. Do you honestly hate your partner so much that anyone who likes her must go so she'll be miserable? If so, bravo! Amanda alone and unloved is an idea I can get behind. Allison is glad Jen is gone and thinks Ryan deserves better. Allison, pairing him with about anyone or anything would be better. Him claiming his new soul mate is his right hand would be better then Jen. Hell, his right hand will give him the same stuff as Jen, but without calling him a racist!
 |
| Jen and Parker looking better then ever |
Sheila is glad Allison is around so the two of them can plan their fake lesbian life together. With that we go to the memory wall to watch the pictures of Jen and Parker go gray. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear people all across America cheering. Matt gives us a DR with his accent that it so thick I doubt a chainsaw could cut through it. I have no idea what in the hell he is saying so let's move on and pretend he was coming out of the closet.
Now we again watch the end of the HOH competition where our house guests gave up both hot water and cups, but decided to have a margarita party. James and Chelsia shriek about being HOH, Chelsia in particular feeling strong. They'll all have to come beg to her, and she'll indulge them, or make them think she cares, but then she'll squish them like ants while laughing the entire time like the amateur supervillian that she is. With Chelsia in charge, the rest of the house will have to prostitute to her, instead of the other way around.
James yaps about being shady and it being good they're in charge since the two of them are shady, and they can do shady things and have shady sex on national TV. They're going to want to burn the sheets in the HOH bed. Alex, being a living piece of wood, says in the DR he didn't feel good with James and Chelsia winning. Nah, really? The girl, who hates your partner more the customers who try to skimp on the bill after the BJ, winning HOH is a bad thing? Alex then blames Amanda, ignoring that he did nothing to stop her gossip until the house was nearly homicidal.
Amanda says the two of them winning made her throw up in her mouth, much like Amanda's voice makes me throw up in my mouth. Amanda then says she'll be on the block "for real, no bueno.". What? Natalie crazily says she and Matty aren't targets, while Allison thinks she wont be a target since she's a lesbian. Joshua is happy that Alex and Amanda's massive egos will be deflated by this. Joshua who felt entitled to attack the suicide of Amanda's father for kicks and thinks he's the only one playing the game, is accusing others of having massive egos. Their are no words.
With that stupid done, more stupid comes with Matt talking to James and Chelsia in the Boat Room. Matt is kissing some pink ass, trying to get the dynamic dipshits to put up Allison and Ryan. James makes no promises, just stating he wont put Matt up. Remember this, it will be very important later in the season.
We now get a scene with Joshua. Oh joy, I wasn't nauseated enough yet evidently. He and Sharon are in...I have no idea to be honest, and Joshua is wearing a crown. If he's wearing it because he thinks it looks nice, or because he believes everyone should view him as the king is up for personal interpretation Joshua is grinning like he just ran over an orphan as he tells Sharon their is another couple in the house. The lesbian idiots known as Sheila and Allison. He tells us in the DR that if he can trust Sharon 100%, then he must be completely honest. If we're being honest, tell us just what happened to Neil and just what you seasoned his corpse with.
We now transition to James and Chelsia coming out of the DR, screaming for the others to come see their HOH room. Chelsia runs off, a trail of STDs streaming behind her as she does. Everyone pretends they actually care as they run up the stairs to see that ugly ass HOH room. Matt is especially excited, even grabbing James's ass in excitement.
The room is full of the usual crap, baskets for both James and Chelsia, pictures (proving Chelsia's parents are not demons in hell like I assumed), and gifts from home. Matt in the DR claims he's just excited because he wants pictures from home also, and not at all because James and Chelsia probably will nominate him. We see James mom now, who looks like she's going to throw up in the picture of her. I'm sure James elicits that reaction from many people. Chelsia takes the chance to point out her brother is hot and single. Personally I think he looks like a blander version of Ryan, which is rather impressive. Also Chelsia, just because your customers treat you that way does not mean you should treat your family like items being sold at a meat market.
Chelsia keeps screaming, and I suspect this is what paying for a night with her is like. This time it's over the picture of her fucking cat of all things, and man that cat is ugly looking. In the DR Sheila has a calm and rational conversation about how...okay, I can't get through that without laughing. Sheila breaks down crying for Chelsia, for how happy she is for Chelsia, for all the pictures blah-blah-blah, Sheila you would cry if someone dumped your beer bowl out.
 |
| She can see into your soul. |
Oh dear God we're getting another scene people remember right now. James, in his most fabulous pink shirt with a plunging neckline, goes into the backyard where Adam and Ryan are standing, for some reason. James announces he wants to form a secret alliance that will rely on intelligence too...you figured out I was lying the moment I said intelligence, didn't you? No, James announces the upper deck must go. As in, the top row of the memory wall. Yes really.
James, in a really insane DR session, makes bizarre hand gestures as he yaps about how Alex and Amanda must leave for being on the top row of the memory wall. He announces the plan to get rid of them, Operation Condor. There is a great name for a plan, named after an ugly ass bird that was almost driven extinct by a fire caused by a singer and by their habitats being torn down. It's a name that just inspires hope!
 |
| The scavenger of optimism! |
Adam and Ryan babble about Condor going down, and I agree. This plan will go down in flames with the brain trust of you three running it. Adam yaps about eating, sleeping, and drinking condor. Damn it, Adam's using his own product, he thinks they're feeding him condor now. James states in the DR (now in completely different clothing, good job editors) to guarantee Alex and Amanda go home, you need a pawn. Yeah, no. In Big Brother, the pawn goes home. Not just a few times, about every eight out of ten times a pawn is put up, the pawn goes home.
Common sense though is not stopping Operation Vulture! Ryan and Adam both protest going up, and I must ask why James told them. They could go tell Alex and Amanda, who even if they couldn't do anything to stop James, they could make his life a living hell. James, the house is already against the two of them, you don't need people on your side.
Ryan is excited about Operation Falcon, both because it means he isn't a target, and maybe BB will provide a condor for him to eat. Adam gives us a psychotic DR where he caws like a bird. That killed five minutes.
Our next scene brings back Amanda, talking to Natalie in the kitchen, about Josh. When you hear a trio of names like those three, one thought crosses your mind. Abandon ship! Amanda wants to go talk to Josh, most likely because she was turned on when Josh screamed at her till she cried, and wants him to do it again while she fingers herself. Well, at least she isn't going to ask him to form a secret alliance.
The secret alliance of the two is a good example of just how fucking stupid the couples twist is. Big Brother is a single person game. You can't win in couples, you can't scheme as couples, you can only play as individuals. Which is what these two are doing. Joshua and Amanda are forming a secret one on one alliance without their partners. When Jen and Parker were evicted, most of the house guests admitted they only wanted Jen gone. They had to get rid of both of them. So while people act as individuals, everything they do effects two people.
The plus side of the couples twist is the season will end sooner. That makes it totally worthwhile. Anyway, Amanda reminds us just how pathetic of a person she is when she apologizes to Joshua for making him snap. Yes, it's totally your fault he went off on an unprovoked tirade against you. Moron.
Now we get a scene with Matt and Natalie, who are sort of the anti-Jeff and Jordan. Up to this point I've barely touched either Matt or Natalie, but that's about to change. Matt is all that I've mentioned he is, a possibly closet homosexual with an accent that you can't decipher. Natalie though...wow. Natalie is a swirling vortex of insanity, crazy in ways that baffle scientists to this day. She's an ex-stripper who, thanks to getting a boob-job while pregnant (before getting an abortion), lactates randomly and will do so for the rest of her life. If you order coffee from Natalie, make sure that it's black.
In actuality, all she does is talk about Matty's cute (and vacant) face. We then take a reeeeeallly crazy turn in this conversation, as Natalie talks about how they both want five to seven kids, and she can see herself having them with Matty since he's all she's looking for in a guy! Have I mentioned they've known each other for two weeks? And Natalie is imagining their kids? In the DR Natalie credits Matt with putting "naughty" thoughts in her head, and seeing as I can almost perfectly see her boobs in her sweater, let me say this. Screwed up boob job or not, those puppies are nice.
Next we go to the HOH room to see Matt and Natalie. Well obviously, seeing as they won HOH, right? Natalie shows us why she was cast on this show as she takes a topless bikini bubble-bath. Natalie asks him is he wants to join, while ranting in the DR about how close the two are. So close that Matt doesn't even respond, just making a hand gesture while eating James and Chelsia's free food.
Matt finally comes in and tells Natalie that he doesn't want to have sex with her, out of fear that insanity is an STD. While Natalie claims she doesn't want to have sex, she just wants them to have nude bubble baths with lots of touching. As I watch this, I can see Alex and Amanda open the door with a key, meaning this scene is from a week ago, meaning Natalie was obsessed with Matt in even less time. Do you see what I mean when I call her crazy?
Matt in the DR flat out states he doesn't feel romantic about Natalie, while Natalie plans out what colleges their children will go too, and where they'll retire and grow old together. Natalie says the two of them are like "that movie, The Cutting Edge", in that they both like each other (not really) and don't want to admit it, and in that the knife Natalie will use to cut off Matt's skin will have an edge to it.
With that stupid finished, it's time for another chapter of our favorite romance story, The Tortured Faux-Lesbian Heart, staring Allison and Sheila. Allison wants to tell Joshua and Chelsia the truth (because if the last episode showed us anything, those two are such level-headed and forgiving people.), while admitting in the DR that maybe lying about being lesbians was a bad idea. Took you all day to figure that one out, didn't Allison?
Let's move on from this conversation, since these idiots are again just talking in circles, and move on to James and Chelsia bursting out of the DR wearing sailor hats. In spite of what you might think, they were getting ready for the next challenge and not filming a nautical-porno in there.
This competition is a food competition, where the house divides into two teams and compete against each other, with the HOH competing but getting food no matter what. The winning team of the competition gets food, the losers get BB Slop, which is essentially an oat-meal version of the food bricks from Solitary. The two teams are Yellow Sea-Duction (Oh God these puns are going to kill me) and Green Dev-Ocean. Yellow (I am not using that stupid name) is made up of Joshua and Sharon, Ryan and Allison and Natalie and Matt. Green is Alex and Amanda, Adam and Sheila, and Chelsia and James. Wow, with a line up like that, guess whose going to loose!
 |
| I'm hoping for a ship wreck. |
As they do this pointless activity, let me comment on the food competitions, which have since become Have-Have Not competitions. Food competitions used to be a lot more varied and frankly, more fun. My favorite of all time comes from Season 3, where the house guests had to consume a large brownie house in order to gain weight. Now though they're almost always the same thing, either hold something for longer then someone else, or fill up something faster then someone else. These competitions were once fun, and are now just excuses for bad puns and Jessie doing a (really bad) French accent.
I'd talk about the challenge, but who cares, they're all losers in my book. The team of three strong men plus Joshua wins, while the team that's stuck with the HOH (who can't loose) and Sheila looses. Shocking, I know. I also know that it seems like I didn't cover a lot, but I hit the highlights. The entire challenge is people (poorly) throwing fish underhand, while giving commentary in the DR. Since the challenge is boring and these people are idiots, the commentary is stupid. We learn nothing other then we hate all these people and want them to die, which we already knew.
In the DR, Amanda is worried being on slop will affect her game. What, it'll cause you to develop a game? This leads us into our next scene, filler involving Amanda saying bueno a lot. Yes really, this is how they fill the show. Amanda running around saying "good" in Spanish.
After that, we get James and Chelsia in the HOH room. James finds Chelsia kind of attractive, but he should be affraid to sleep with her. I mean, given the places Chelsia's toxic crotch has been, she could cause his junk to glow green or something. The scene is just the two of them talking about each other and looking at each other, while imitation porn music plays in the background. The excitement hits a fever pitch as James sits in the bed looking at Chelsia who sits in a chair! Wow, it makes me ask so many questions, like, will they both sit in the bed together
Oh fuck, back to Allison and Sheila. Sheila in the DR calls telling Chelsia that she and Allison were lesbians "a little white lie that snowballed.". Yeah, I'd say lying about your sexuality counts as more then a little white lie, dumbass. Allison feels really bad about it, not bad enough to wish she hadn't told said lie, just that she has to tell the truth. Could you morons possibly wait until after the nomination ceremony to tell the HOH about your lie? No? Why am I not surprised. Allison states that lying in this game is not a good thing, but doesn't explain just why the hell she decided to lie about something so stupid in the first place.James walks in, and they now have to tell him, since Chelsia told him. James seems to find it funny, and Allison decides she'll tell Joshua. Well this has gone well, I'm sure that Joshua will handle it with all the calm and rational we've come to expect from him. Allison tells Joshua in the food storage room, where Joshua is bizarrely only in a towel. Joshua can't figure out why they'd make that up, and he is understandably pissed off. He confronts Chelsia, and the two of them (yes really) can't figure out why Allison and Sheila would do something that stupid. Joshua, ever ready to play the moral superiority card, derides the two as liars. Oh shut up dickhead. He calls Sheila a bitch and Allison a horrible person. Oh, so harsh.
James decides he needs a strong pawn in order to get Alex and Amanda out, so he decides on Matt and Natalie. Matt who he told he would never put up. Well it's not like James gave him his word or anything, cuz if he did, then James would be a huge liar! This will make sense in a few weeks, trust me.
With that, it's time for the nomination ceremony. Amanda thinks she and Alex are targets because they're both smart. Amanda couldn't make a more wrong in statement, even if she declared that she could shit gold.
Natalie and her boobs feel safe because James and Chelsia did give their word, and that's totally something to bank your safety on! Sheila worries she could be a target for no reason other then the lesbian lie. Is that all?
Alex is bitter towards Amanda, Amanda is going to fight with every ounce of bueno she has, Natalie has two sets of guns, and Matt says something about pink hair. Who gives a fuck, the episode is finally fucking over! Hooray!
WHO WILL SURVIVE?
No comments:
Post a Comment