Big Brother 9 - Episode 2

Previously On Big Brother: Till Dullness Causes Death, we were introduced too the sixteen misfits that made up this seasons cast.  They were paired up into eight pairs, including exes Jacob and Sharon, while secret couple Ryan and Jen were paired with other people.  Adam and Sheila fought over stupid shit, and Jacob couldn't figure out why his ex wasn't thrilled to see him.  Jen and Parker became the first (and last) "Power Couple", allowing them to send one couple out without a vote.  They also decided,in their infinite wisdom, too take a heart pillow worth ten grand, not realizing that would be all the excuse the other couples needed to vote them off.  Morons.

Our episode opens with a flash back, and Parker claiming to feel like "Brad and Angelina" (you cheated on a spouse and deride your father for doing the same thing?).  Jen provides her brilliant insight by pointing out winning that competition was exciting.  Thanks for the info Jen!  Don't forget to tell us water is wet!  Parker wants to evict Sheila and Adam, and the viewing audience chant's "Do it!  Do it!".

We get a trademark of Big Brother next, The Diary Room Session Of Ironic Foreshadowing!  This TDRSOIF comes to us from Sharon, who is happy Parker and Jen won since she and Parker get along well, and she doesn't see herself being evicted.  Oh Sharon, you poor stupid child.

To show us why Adam and Sheila are targets, we here Adam talk to Matt and Natalie about the foundation he works for, where he arranges events for autistic children.  Adam, being an idiot, talks about how if he wins he will open a hair salon "so all the retards can get together and get there hair done".  Oh yeah, that won't get you fired at all!  Well if Retard Hair Care doesn't work out, Adam can always start selling drugs.

I see four retards in need
of hair care.

Sheila decides that this conversation includes her, even though she hasn't been talking, and the two start fighting.  What a shock.  Adam defends calling autistic people "retards", and Sheila yammers about heart wrenching this and offensive that.  Sheila then shows us how she is a better person by badmouthing Adam to the girls when he isn't around and misquoting what he said.  So Adam insulted the kid's he worked with, and Sheila gossiped about it behind his back.  Trying to figure out which of these two is more of an asshole is like trying to figure out if it would hurt worse to be stabbed in your left side or your right side.

Sheila continues to harp on this, even though I doubt anyone honestly cares, and talks about how hearing Adam say "retards" made her physically ill.  Sadly the illness did not cause her to shut up, and she keeps talking about it, even picking another fight!  Sheila refuses to drop it, and Adam refuses to admit he said the wrong thing, and we get treated to more yelling from both of them.  What a charming couple.

Next we get a montage of Ryan and Alison that serves to remind us that Ryan should have dropped the boring skank that is Jen, and hooked up with Alison.  She's attractive and she's less slutty then most of the women in this house!  Which is why he stuck with Jen, I doubt Alison would have been willing to have sex in the bathroom.  Alison flirts with Ryan and Ryan stammers while sweating, and I keep waiting for him to yell "I'm fucking Jen!".  Jen then whines about how it's hard to be separate from him and see him with someone else.  Oh blow it out your ass, you knew full well the two of you would be a secret couple when you signed up.  Mind you, you could reveal to the rest of the house that you and Ryan are dating, get nominated, and get yourself evicted, but that would be really stupid!  Right?

Jen continues her role of pointing out the obvious by stating not talking to Ryan "is hard" as is seeing him with someone else.  The two of them though are doing such a great job of keeping the secret, as we watch them share a five second kiss in a room with no doors and the only thing stopping people from walking in on them is pure dumb luck.  The fact that they've been able to keep this a secret for an hour amazes me.

We get filler next of Amanda and Alex, and let me talk a moment about filler on this show.  Most of the time on BB, people are not doing anything interesting.  They're sitting around doing nothing or talking about nothing.  Every broadcast episode, they try to put in as much drama and game talk as possible, and when they can't, they put in filler.  Filler doesn't have to be bad, it can be used to show a different side to the house guests then we usually see, and help the viewer understand them more as people.  When done well we get scenes like Kent talking to Bunky about Bunky being gay, Renny crying over a picture of her mother, Dick and Daniele reconnecting, stuff like that.  This is Big Brother 9 though, so don't expect to get anything like that!  Instead, we get a scene of Alex talking about how happy he is to have Amanda as a partner, without giving a reason, followed by a shot of Amanda's ass.  Nice.

The only reason Amanda is here

Now, as you know Adam and Sheila's eviction isn't just likely, it's practically a guarantee.  It would take something big to keep them safe so...WAIT!  Look up in the sky!  It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's-It's!

STUPID MAN!!!!

Yes, it's the Big Brother houses favorite super hero, Stupid Man!  Able to leap to conclusions in a single bound!  Stupid Man is in the back yard talking with Ryan and Adam.  Now, since Parker and Jen are the Power Couple, and will be sending someone home, it would be a good idea to say nice things about them.  Stupid Man though has his own goals in mind, and a plan to achieve them.  Tell us of your plan, Stupid Man.

Stupid Man In The DR: You want to stir stuff up, that's something that brings enjoyment to the house.

But how will you bring enjoyment Stupid Man?

Stupid Man with Ryan and Adam: The worst people in the whole game are the Power Couple.  I don't trust him (meaning Parker), he's in here for the money (ya don't say), he's a backstabber (you've only been in the game one day!  Who the hell did he back stab?), wait till I get HOH his ass is out.  Parker is a snake."

Yes!  Yes!  Badmouth the people who can evict you without voting you out!  Yet, it still isn't quite stupid enough for Stupid Man.  It's at this point Jen chooses to go into the backyard with the others.  Stupid Man decides it's a great idea to insult Parker to his partner Jen!  Wait I'm sorry, Stupid Man claims others (named Jacob) have been talking crap about Parker.  It's obvious to everyone that Stupid Man is the only one calling Parker a snake, even Jen can figure it out.  She fakes a contact lens emergency, and Stupid Man believes her and let's her go inside to where she can tell her partner.  Just another day in the life of Stupid Man.

Jen goes and talks to Joshua (why?) and Parker.  Since Parker wants to stay one every ones good side, does he go and confront Stupid Man?  Does he try to find out just who called him a snake by talking to people in private?  Of course not, don't be silly!  Parker instead drags everyone out of bed, into the living room for a house meeting.  Bravo!  People won't want to vote you out now Parker.

Stupid Man refuses to tell Parker who called him a snake when repeatedly confronted about it, claiming he doesn't think it's his place.  No it isn't his place.  Calling Parker "heartless" behind his back, that's his place.  The other house guests, even his partner Sharon try to get Stupid Man to give a name, but he won't since he was the one who called Parker a snake.  As the meeting goes one, Stupid Man continues to blather about it not being his place, and everyone (even Sharon) realizes he was the one talking crap.  Like the human train wreck he is, Stupid Man continues to refuse to name who said it, even with the threat of eviction hanging over his head!  Now that is a impressively stupid.

Adam meanwhile rejoices because Jacob is keeping him in this game, and Sharon knows the end is in sight.  Jen tells Parker he handled it the right way.  Yes, dragging everyone out of bed, yelling at them, and cursing a lot is totally the right way.  How long have you been a fan of this show?

Jacob and Sharon talk with Jacob saying his insulting Parker "just happened".  Yeah I've had that happen before.  I'll be walking down the street when suddenly I stop and start talking about how people I know suck and are heartless!  When I first watched the episode, this is the moment when I started to wonder if Jacob wanted to be evicted.

Sharon goes to talk to Parker and attempts damage control, also known as lying through her teeth.  She tells Parker that she know's who it is (yes, Jacob), and if he stop's and thinks about it, he'll figure out who called him a snake.  Now Parker is a smart guy, surely he can figure out Sharon is lying to cover her own ass, right?

Parker: It was Ryan!

The answer is no, he can't figure it out.  Mind you, he actually cycles through all of the men in the house before settling on Ryan.  Why him and not Adam?  No idea.

Parker then goes to talk to his partner, thrilled with himself that the dastardly Ryan will soon be out the door.  Jen has to burst his overconfident bubble, so she and Ryan choose to tell Parker and Alison about their secret relationship.  Wow, that remained a secret for a loooong time.  Jen tell's Parker, who reacts in the broadcast show with smiles, and on the live feeds reacted with flipped birds to all the cameras.  Jen also show's us how kind and emotional she is when she says she'd gladly put Ryan up as a pawn, in spite of the fact that pawn's tend to go home.  Girlfriend of the year ladies and gentlemen.

Ryan next tells Alison, who is less then thrilled on the broadcast show, while on the live feeds she got knock-out drunk.  The whole time Ryan talks to Alison, I can barely here him because Natalie is in the background talking so loud her crazy drowns out their conversation.  Not something important to note, but I thought I'd mention it.  Alison then channels me, saying she'd be better for Ryan then Jen.  A bottle to the head would be better for Ryan then Jen.  Anyways, the four of them form an alliance and they won't tell another sole Ryan and Jen are dating!  Guess how long that lasts!

Since we haven't been beaten over the head by it enough, we get another scene of Sheila complaining about Adam.  In this case it's about Adam snoring causing Sheila to become sleep deprived.  I'd say that staying up until four in the morning is why you're sleep deprived, but that's just me.  Anyway, the two use this as an excuse to fight, while Jen comments on how negative Sheila is.

Finally it's time to evict Adam and Sheila Jacob and Sharon, er, I mean it's time to hold the eviction ceremony.      Yay.  Jen talks about how it was "really real", and I begin to wonder if she suffered a head injury causing her to say stupid things.  I'd tell you about the ceremony, but who cares?  Jen cries, Parker tells them they can evict someone, Chelsia looks like a hooker, Adam looks like he's surprised he could be a target, and Jacob and Sharon are evicted.  Tears, hugs, whatever.  So long Stupid Man, your ability to miss the obvious will be missed.

Incidentally, I must wonder if Jacob would have made a good partner for Jen.  I mean, he can't see the forest for the trees and Jen can't shut up about it.  I can see them now, standing out in the rain...

Jacob: This rain is heartless!
Jen: Water is wet.
Jacob: This rain is a snake!
Jen: Rain comes from clouds.

Jacob's decision to badmouth Parker, and then lie about it, is in my opinion the stupidest move ever made.  Jacob had no ally's, no plans, and no real goal.  He chose to talk crap and lie to the people who could evict him without a second thought!

Before this, the stupidest move ever made in BB came from BB3 when Marcellas was on the block for eviction at the final five, had won the Golden Veto, and chose not to take himself off the block.  Marcellas was already in danger and left himself in it.  Jacob though was in no danger and put himself in it!  For all intensive purposes, Jacob quit.

I also love that Adam is practically jumping with joy.  Nothing is getting in the way of his good move.

Well with that waste of time out of the way, it's time for the HOH competition!  Since Parker and Jen were not HOH, they can play.  The competition is a version of the Newlywed Game, and is hosted by BB8 alumni Jessica and Eric, who were dating.  And were supposedly broken up by the time of BB9.  That's CBS for you, always on the ball.  Unfortunately for me, Eric and Jessica don't whip out assault riffles and open fire on the couples.  No, they just host.

The girls and guy's answer questions about each other, with one trying to guess what the answer of the other is.  The one's who answer the questions sit in boats in a mini-pond, while the other member of the couple dress up in stupid costumes that fit with one of the answers to the questions.  Every time they get a question right, the couples get a heart.  At the end of the competition, the couples with the most hearts win.

The competition is pretty bland, though I do laugh when Sheila describes what she thought when first seeing Adam in terms of a road sign (Turn Back Now), and seeing Ryan dressed like a king.  My estimation of Chelsia also drops further as she admit's she loved Season 8.  The problem I have with this and other BB challenges is they are so visual they're hard to describe.  You need to watch them, and why the hell would you want to watch Season 9?

It's a close game, and for a while Matt and Natalie look like they'll win.  Alex and the screeching chipmunk Amanda pull ahead on the last question to win and become the first HOH.  Wow that's exciting!  No wait, it isn't because Alex is so bland I forgot which one he is!

As you can tell, Season 9 is off the a bad start.  In one episode we had Adam calling special needs kids "retards", we had Jacob get himself and Sharon evicted, and we had Jessica and Eric return and remind us how much better Season 8 was then this.  None of it was interesting!  None!  When I first watched Season 9 on TV, this episode was where I quit.  Two episodes in.  I kept watching Survivor Micronesia, but I caught up with this on YouTube.

Reasons For Jacob's Loss: Jacob lost because he was dumber then the rest of this cast, had no impulse control, and refused to shut up.

Reasons For Sharon's Loss: Sharon was Jacob's partner.  That's why she lost.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?