Big Brother 9 - Episode 15

Previously on Big Brother: Fuck Off And Die Edition, Ryan promised to nominate Matt for eviction, then nominated James instead because he's not dumb enough to nominate his own ally for eviction.   James was nearly saved by Natalie being crazy, except not because Natalie was always going to vote for him despite what the editors tried to convince us.  James was then evicted, and it was announced that America had voted Alex back into the house.  The producers though got off their cloud and wagged their finger at the foolish viewers who assumed just because America voted Alex back, he would come back.  They instead announced that the idiots the house g...who am I kidding, the idiots would be voting for either Alex or James.  Except the producers decided it would be funny if the idiots didn't know that Alex was America's choice.  Instead they chose to stick Alex in a box without air holes and call him the "mystery house guest".  Because it's better the devil you know then the devil you don't, James was voted back into the house. They then began a disco themed HOH competition that hadn't completed when the episode ended.

Have I mentioned they've only been in their for 35 days?  I know it feels more like 35 years, but really, only a little over a month.  These morons are slowly killing me.

We return to see the idiots still hanging onto the disco chains, while being sprayed with foam.  If I had to pick two people to do well in this challenge, I gotta pick Natalie and Chelsia.  Natalie knows all about hanging on to a poll and being spun, while Chelsia knows about being sprayed in the face with sticky white stuff.  Still, it looks to be a long and boring challenge.

King Matt tells us in the DR that it's a house divided, with himself, Ryan, Sheila, Natalie, and Adam all on one side, and the other four on the other.  Yes, and since it's such a clear division, two of your number voted James back into the house!  Still, I'm amazed that King Matt was willing to acknowledge the existence of the lowly peasants such as Ryan and Asshole.  James is still giggling about being back, and King Matt decides to place his royal lips on James ass, saying he thought everyone was keeping James, and he only voted James out when it turned out everyone else was.

James tells us in the DR that this isn't just an HOH, it's his dignity he's trying to win.  Dude, your dignity went out the window the moment you decided a pink mohawk looked cool.  It's too late to try and get it back.  James continues to yap, whining that the other idiots stripped him of his dignity when he was evicted.  Okay, being evicted took away your dignity, but doing gay porn, crying at the thought of being evicted, and having sex with Chelsia in front of the whole internet didn't?

We now flashback to James being evicted, such a monumental event that had a lasting impact on the house for a good three seconds.  Chelsia DR's that she was sad when James left, since she cares so much for him that she doesn't charge him for sex.  Asshole whines next, because James only wanted a hug from Chelsia, and that made Asshole feel bad.  Aw, don't worry Asshole, just go scream death threats at Natalie for a while and you'll feel all better.

Now it's Adam's turn to whine, he didn't feel good about evicting James.  Moron!  James betrayed Matt and you!  He was planning to get you evicted too.  Stop feeling bad that you evicted the lying, pink-haired, sack of shit.  Ryan, unlike the others, was happy to see James go since it meant that a strong player had left the house, and as long as the idiots didn't vote him back in, he'd be gone for good!  ...sigh.

What is it with these idiots?  James was a hypocrite, a liar, and a douchebag.  Stop treating him like he's the goddamn risen Christ.  James is an asshole, you were all lucky to get rid of him, and like morons, you voted him back!

Sharon is next to whine, saying it was tough to watch James walk out.  Well if it was so tough, why didn't you volunteer to quit?  If James is so much more deserving then you, you leave and let him stay!  Stop being upset over this, you're still in the game you fucking dumbass.

AGAIN we here from Chelsia, who tells us when James left, it finally hit her that she was on her own.  WOW!  Only took you thirty-five fucking days to realize that!  Maybe in thirty-five more, you'll realize James is a tool and you can find any other hobo to fuck who would be way better for you then him!

We watch James be told three people didn't vote him back in, then watch those three vote for the mystery guest over James.  Once again, those three were Ryan, Matt, and Sheila.  Then we see the return of James.  Ah, good times.  Or they would be if I didn't hate James.

Adam is the first to tell his brilliant reason for voting James back in.  Was it to try to win James as an ally?  Because Matt has to much power and James would take him out?  Was it because Adam wants to jump ship and vote with James side of the house!?

"I felt bad I voted him out, cuz he's my boy ya know what I mean?  So I voted him back in."

You know, this is the first time we've really been given a glimpse into the mind of the enigma that is Adam.  It's a frighting and empty place.

Still, it's about a thousand times better a reason then Natalie, who voted James back to "redeem" herself and give back her word.  Because as we all know, Big Brother is a game about redemption and being true to your word, never lying, and just being a good person, right?  NO!  No it isn't you lactating loon!  It's about deception, manipulation, and not fucking voting James back!!!!!  You know, every joke I make about Natalie being crazy?  Now totally justified.

We see the eight idiots being shot with foam, hopefully laced with poison.  King Matt tells James how happy he is James is back, since HE voted James back.  Yeah and if James believes that, then I've got this section of the moon I'd like to sell him.  Matt calls this HOH victory crucial for himself, Adam, Natalie, or Sheila (fuck you Ryan!).

Adam lasts a record setting fifteen minutes before dropping out.  Oh come on dude, even Sheila is still up there!  Then again, I suppose I can understand.  Those chains aren't exactly kind to the crotch.  Asshole falls next, sadly hitting the padding below instead of the rocky ground.  Asshole gives us some excuse in the DR as to why he sucked.  I chose to believe he sucked because he sucks.

At forty minutes Matt is in clear pain, while James is just fine, if somewhat bored.  Matt falls, but hopes that Natalie or Sheila will win it for them.  Matt then bets that James will be the next one to fall.  Yes, and Ulong will win an immunity challenge.

They keep spinning, and Natalie gives everyone proper pole hugging technique.  Yes really.  She tries to start conversation, but really just won't shut up.  James and me are in agreement, Natalie not shutting up is about the worst thing ever.  Sheila tells James she voted for the mystery guest, assuming it was Alex, and she wasn't sad he left.  Oh Sheila, please shut up.  Asshole decides to make fun of Sheila from the side line, talking about how her hair looks bad and she looks like shit.  Yeah, well she lasted a lot longer so far then you dipstick.

At just over an hour, Sheila falls out, clearly sick.  Matt keeps yapping that James is getting tired, though  I think James is wide awake, and Matt is in denial.  Matt is scared, if Natalie falls, he leaves the house.  All his hopes ride on Natalie, who as we know, is insane. Natalie says she won't go anywhere, she's had 15 hour shifts at her club, this is nothing.

We jump a few hours ahead, four people still up there.  Natalie admits how much pressure she feels.  Natalie won't drop though, she knows how important this HOH is, and damn it, she won't take a stupid non-deal and drop for nothing!

Two and a half hours, all still up there.  Natalie won't shut up, and Matt makes fun of her voice.  Hey, King Douche, Natalie is up there doing what you couldn't  How about you shut your fat mouth and show some gratitude?  Dick.  James tells Natalie to shut it, and she agrees...only to keep on talking.  I'd laugh if it weren't so sad.

Ryan meanwhile makes it clear he still wants James gone, and he is pissed that the pink haired dork is still here.  Well Ryan, all you need to happen is for Natalie to win HOH, and for James to not suddenly start winning Vetos.  Then you'll be golden! As Ryan says this, Sharon drops.  Three people left, and one of them is still our favorite pink hobo.  Ryan and Matt watch Adam bring a towel to Sharon.  This act of altruism is a completely alien idea to those two, and they both decide Adam is considering switching sides on them.  Not entirely wrong, but you have no evidence.  Hell, Adam could just be doing something nice to Sharon without any gain in mind!

Now two hours and forty-eight minutes.  Ryan is still baffled by the fact that they voted James back in.  Dude, if we  focused this long on every baffling stupid thing you people did, we'd be here until the end of fucking time.  James is back, it sucks, live with it.  Ryan and Matt try to figure out why Natalie voted James back into the house.  The settle on "because she's an idiot".  They're probably right.

Natalie tells us she had to win, because this is a fight and a battle that she and King Matt have to win.  Matt encourages her with promises of sex and massages.  Natalie tries to tell James he isn't her target, and James says he doesn't want to be backdoored either.  No promises of that not happening I notice.  Adam asks how being backdoored felt, and James gets snippy, yelling that he'll backdoor all of them.

Sweet fuck this is dull.  All it is is watching people watching the three idiots spin in circles, and talk about it.  Make something interesting happen CBS!  You brought James back into the house!  Justify why he's back.  Have him set the house on fire!  Have him shoot up the other idiots!  MAKE SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN!

Finally at three hours and nineteen minutes, Chelsia falls, exiting the challenge with all the grace and dignity she had when it began.  James whines that the HOH was now down to him to win.  Except, it was down to you from the get go, you said you were trying to win it to get you dignity back!

At about three and a half hours, James decides to try and deal.  He want's Ryan on the block for daring to nominate him, and if Natalie would do that, he'll drop.  Okay Natalie, Ryan is your ally.  I some how do not think agreeing to James deal would be good for you.  Just a thought!

Natalie though calls it a really good deal.  Ryan points out the down side, and James whines that Ryan got him evicted, to which Ryan counters James voted for him the week before!  James whines that it doesn't matter for some reason, that Ryan being evicted was fine but James is special and should just be handed the win on a silver platter.  As you might have guessed, I really fucking hate James.  In a house full of hypocrites, he's far and a way the biggest one.  Plus, his mohawk looks stupid.

Matt tells Natalie not to except the deal, so they keep swinging.  Now over four hours, neither has come down.  Natalie turns to James, and get's him to promise her safety.  He agrees.  Then she asks for Matt's safety, and again he agrees.  Remember that point, James agreed to keep Matt safe, period.  Nothing else, Matt is safe, and doesn't go on the block.  It doesn't matter that Matt didn't vote for James to come back, James agreed to keep Matt safe.

Matt tells Natalie no deals, until she tells him that both he and her are safe.  Then King Matt decides that the deal is good to go!  Natalie gets sick while James promises several times not to put Matt up, and finally she drops.  James is now the HOH.  Marvelous.

James decides to be an asshole, telling Matt he'll stick to his word "unlike everyone else in this house".  I'm going to have a fun time raking you over the coals douche.  Natalie can't move at first, horribly sick from the challenge.  Nice challenge design CBS, you made your contestants violently ill.  Between this and poisoning Rachel and Jeff with bubbles, and I start to wonder if CBS wants to kill people with these challenges.

In the kitchen after the challenge, Natalie and Matt share a semi-tender moment, with Matt comparing her to Jesus.  I personally think a comparison to the Saducees is more appropriate, but that's just me.  Matt tells us in the DR he almost feels bad for how he treated her.  Good to know he cares.

Chelsia is thrilled that James is back because this means she won't be going on the block, and she won't have to turn to Adam for sex.  It's boring, I don't care, and oh sweet Lord they're playing the fucking romantic music for James and Chelsia!  (vomits).  Asshole and Sharon go to the storage room, to talk about how they have James back and how stressful this game is.  Can something interesting happen?

Ryan confronts Natalie in the sauna room and asks, why the fuck did you vote James back?  Her response?  She didn't know what to do.  Clearly.  Natalie whines some more and oh my God I wish we were still watching the HOH.  That is how bored I am.

We get some slow music as we enter the cabin room.  Adam and Matt are in there, Matt is reading the Bible, and I think one hand is down his pants.  ...Ewwwwwwww.  They're trying to figure out what a cubit is.  It's sad that I know what it is.  CBS then plays some harp music and we see....this:

God would just like it to be known that he does not associate with the Bible Buddies in anyway.  As a Christian, I feel it is my duty to say I also do not associate with them.  In fact, I suspect the Bible they're reading is the Satanic Bible.  Would certainly answer a lot of questions.  Adam learns that a cubit is eighteen inches, and figures out that that's one and a half feet.  Let me guess Adam, you're the brains of the operation aren't ya?

For the sake of my soul, I'm skipping this.  Especially since they start reading about Jacob marrying two girls, and completely miss the point that marrying two people is a BAD thing.  Still remember this moment, as this can be see as the beginning of one of the strongest, and most nauseating alliances ever, Team Christ.  

We move on to James revealing his HOH room.  Except, we've seen it all before, skip it!

Now Natalie and Matt go into the sauna room, while Natalie carries lotion.  ...I'm not going to have to leave the room, am I?  No, he's just preparing to massage her, while the two discuss how Matt loves Natalie.  Matt loves Natalie like a friend, while Natalie loves Matt like a crazed stalker.  Which, coincidentally, she just happens to be!  Natalie doesn't care, giggling in the DR about how it was worth hanging on a disco ball for five hours.  Okay Natalie, if that's what it takes, it's time to find a new man.

We move on to the red bedroom, where Matt, Asshole, and Sharon are discussing the third vote to keep James out.  Or rather, Asshole and Sharon are discussing and Matt is doing his usual, non-subtle job of throwing Adam under the bus as the third vote.  Nice to see how much you care about your boy Matt.  Matt tells us in the DR that he doesn't feel like he needs to fess up.  He is the King after all.  Asshole says he's certain that the third vote is either Matt or Adam, and he'll crack the case!  Yes, just because Asshole is too dumb to figure out a two piece jigsaw puzzle doesn't mean he can't figure out who the third vote was!

Asshole confronts Adam, and Adam immediately says he voted to keep James.  No, wait that's not what happened.  Silly me, Adam instead verbally meanders without saying anything, making himself look guilty.  Nice.  Adam says he voted for James to come back, as Matt comes back in, both proclaim innocence.  Asshole goes through the list of people who voted for James to come back, while Adam protests, continuing to look more and more guilty.  Despite being innocent.   

Adam goes to see James in the red bedroom, being confrontational and cursing up a storm as he yells to James and Asshole that he voted for James to come back.  Adam, please for the love of crack, stop trying to help yourself!  It's not working!

We next see a filler scene of Asshole pretending to be a maid while fruity music plays.  SKIP IT.

We then get filler of Asshole, Adam, and James, as Asshole cries while reading his letter from home.  Aw, see Asshole does have a heart!  It pumps acid instead of blood, but it is a heart!  SKIP IT!


Finally we see Ryan going up to see James in his HOH room.  The two have an honest conversation where the two come across as mature adults.  Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  No, what happens is Ryan kisses ass, and James whines about how being evicted is like, the worst thing ever!  Like getting struck by lightning, while having cancer, and watching Southland Tales.  James whines about how "I had to sit down with Julie", as if being stuck talking to the Chen-bot is some kind of punish...you know, he may be on to something there.

James smugs up the DR, talking about how Ryan will be nominated, but who he wants up against Ryan is a super big decision.  Not really.  You could put up Sheila, and guarantee Ryan's safety, or put up Adam and guarantee he goes home.  All we know for sure is that James "was screwed by everyone else in the house except Chelsia".  Uh, really?  What about Sharon?  Are you seriously implying Sharon screwed you by not getting evicted?  Could your ego really be that large James?  Wait, don't answer that.

Finally, mercifully it is time for the nomination ceremony.  Ryan knows he'll be going up.  Adam yaps something stupid and talks so fast only dogs can hear him.  Matt doesn't feel like a target, reminding me Matt is an idiot.  James calls this week about his "rise from the ashes", while reminding us all but one person voted to evict him.  SHARON!  Sharon and Chelsia BOTH did not evict you, you pink haired moron!  Alright, the ceremony happens, and to the shock of no one, Ryan and Sheila are on the block.  Ryan is the target, but Sheila would be the one voted for by most of the house, and would finally go home.  If only I could really be so lucky.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 14

Previously on Big Brother: Sheila Kennedy Is A Cherry Flavored Bitch, Ryan was still HOH and nominated Sharon and Chelsia.  Chelsia won the Veto, Ryan won ten grand, and Sheila won a unitard and more excuses to gripe.  If she needed them.  Chelsia came down, James went up, and Matty now has a head that looks like this.

So over all, a normal few days.  It's sad that this is what passes for normal among these freak show rejects.  

Before I go any further, I must say their is a reason I chose to do Big Brother 9 as the season I snarked at.  Their are three really bad seasons of Big Brother agreed upon by most (though they'll still be defended by some people).  Big Brother 4.  Big Brother 9.  Big Brother 12.  Big Brother 12 was never in the running because it's bad for one reason.  It's boring!  It's one of the dullest shows I've ever had the misfortune of watching, especially after Rachel leaves.   Since it's so boring, that means I have almost nothing to make fun of.  Any review of an episode would consist of me saying "This sucks and is boring" one million times.  

So, that left Big Brother 4 & 9 in the running.  I originally was leaning towards 4 due to its stupid twists and racists moments, but I decided on 9 because of something that happened in this episode.  I called it the moment when the producers reached down from on high and flipped off everyone.  It was the moment they proclaimed "Screw the rules, screw the players, screw the viewers, we don't care".  

The recap reminds us that tonight one of the six idiots the viewers have been paying (yes paying money) to vote for "could" be coming back.  Keep that in mind for later.

The Chen-bot welcomes us in an odd combo of black sweater, chef shirt, stomach belt, and golf pants before recapping all the events of the week. Seconds after we watched a recap of the events of the week.  You ever get the feeling that the editors of this show are asleep at the wheel?  I do find it funny when our robotic host refers to Sheila as a "power player".  The closest Sheila comes to being a power player is using a battery powered dildo to play with herself.

The Chen-bot brings up the evicted house guests and tells us that we have voted to give an evicted player a chance to return to this game.  We did?  We're awesome!  Well, we would be if the chance we gave weren't bullshit.

We transition to immediately after the veto ceremony, where Chelsia saved herself and James was put up on the block.  Matt sets the bar for Class in this episode by yelling at Asshole, and running around gloating like the guido idiot he is.  Matt, you did nothing to keep yourself off the block.  NOTHING.  Ryan honestly wanted you on the block, and Sheila of all people saved you!  Natalie follows him around giggling like Matt had just agreed to sleep in the same bed with her.  They yap a bunch about Asshole being mad, Chelsia being mad, it's boring and I don't care.

We move up to the HOH where Chelsia is screeching up a storm.  She yells at Ryan how prepared she was for this, how this totally didn't catch her by surprise (could have fooled me), while Ryan stands there looking like he's baked on good weed.  Which he might be, weed is pretty much the only way to get through listening to Chelsia.  Ryan begins to explain and Chelsia begins screeching "two weeks!" and waving her finger in his face.  Were that me, Chelsia would be lucky to get that finger back.

Now Asshole comes in.  Yeah, things are always better when Asshole shows up.  Ryan again begins to explain why he did it, but logic matters not to Dumb and Dumber here.  Chelsia screams it'll hit the fan now (hasn't it already?), she never trusted Ryan and he won't play her for a fool.  Play nothing, Chelsia you're a fool all on your own.  It's really getting crazy as Chelsia yells about Ryan protecting his "fucking boy Matt", and honestly she's implying Ryan should have nominated his own ally because it's what she wanted.  People, words fail me.  Ryan correctly points out he could have taken her Veto away, and Chelsia replies "just you wait boy".  Boy?  He's six years older then you!  Or given how you're acting, twenty six.

Matt shows up next, because what this situation needed more of was gloating and ego.  Ryan agrees with my thinking and shuffles both Matt and Chelsia out so he can talk to Asshole.  Ryan confirms Asshole was never going to be nominated, and Asshole admits he trusts him.  NOOOOO!  Don't trust Asshole!  Evict him!

We cut to the living room where Sharon is bizarrely giddy about being evicted and going to sequester.  Yeah Sharon, you're the target this week.  You figured it out, Ryan is going nominated challenge threat and popular player James just to piss him off, and then evict the walking bag of nothing that is you.  It's a great plan.  Matt and Sheila both tell her she's safe, which she should assume, but as we learn in the DR, doesn't.  Natalie has to tell her flat out that they all want James gone.  Why on Earth would they evict a non-threat like Sharon?

Matt whines in the DR about the failure of his four men alliance.  I'm thrilled that it failed since had it succeeded, it probably would have been called the Four Horsemen, and the last thing we need is another alliance called that.  Matt talks about how he took it upon himself to include the lowly and miserable James, and then he heard word that James wanted to overthrow King Matt!  Yes Matt really does call himself king.

Now we go to the backyard where Matt has decided to grace the commoners by lifting weights with no shirt on in front of them.  God bless you for appearing in front of us King Matt.  Sheila is there also in a bikini (isn't she supposed to wear the unitard?) to reassure Ryan he did the right thing and confirm her James vote.  Since it's been almost a whole minute without fighting, Chelsia and Asshole enter to fix that problem.

The two immediately begin "talking" to Sheila.  Asshole yaps about how she must feel pulled in many different directions, and King Matt corrects him, stating Sheila is pulled in one direction.  He calls Asshole the...asshole of the house, thinking originally he was the asshole (you're the dick Matt, every male asshole must have a dick), and then tells Asshole his mother will be ashamed of him.  Nice King Matt, keep it classy.

Sharon tries to calm Asshole down, guess how well it works.  Sharon tells us in the DR people are starting to get scared of Asshole blowing up all the time.  It took them this long to get scared?  Asshole screams in the DR that if you want to set him off, tell him to shut up.  So that's why he blows up all the time.

We move to Sheila and Sharon sitting around the back yard fire.  Sheila thinks King Matt or Natalie could win.  Yes really.  Natalie.  Natalie who paints pictures of people in nail polish on paper plates.  Natalie who talks to God.  Natalie who blows a guy who treats her like shit.  Sheila thinks that this woman-

is a serious contender to win.  Just look at her 80's hair and vacant smile, and ponder this point.  Sharon flat out states she doesn't think Matty will win since the only time he gave her attention was during her HOH.  Oh come on, that's not true!  King Matt talked to you...uh...when...........moving on.  Sharon drops the "bomb" that her and King Matt made out, and Sheila is giddy at the idea that Sharon kissed the king.  Sharon tries to spin this like she's been working King Matt, but the only person stupid enough to believe that is Sheila.  Damn good thing that's who Sharon is talking to.

Sharon seems to forget that the only reason she's safe is because she's a non-threat and unwilling to do anything to win, something Sheila points out in the DR.  And if Sheila is pointing out that you're being stupid, you're really being stupid.  But Sharon continues to insist she's a big strategic threat, much bigger then James.  Of course you are Sharon.

Sheila then runs and tells Natalie in the HOH.  Natalie responds by grabbing the kitchen knife and considering how best to cut Sharon to pieces.

No, not really, though it would be awesome if she did that.  Natalie instead just stammers "no" several times without blinking.  Without warning, we're no longer in the HOH room but the sauna room, except Natalie and Sheila are still having the same conversation.  Natalie is no longer sure of how she'll vote, only that she wants to make the best decision for her.  That decision would be to leave the house Natalie, it's best for everyone.  Natalie is upset because King Matt kissed Sharon, and he's only supposed to kiss her damn it!  That's why they're married!  Or rather, not.  Nor are they dating. Natalie grows more and more crazy every day I think.  Natalie now might want to vote off Sharon, it's what her gut is telling her.  Yes, Natalie is now dictating voting based on her gut.  Be very afraid.

James wonders in because...fuck it, and Sheila and Natalie say they'll vote to keep him.  Yeah I believe that.  They want James to have their freaking back.  Because James should totally trust a bipolar stripper and a bitchy former Penthouse Playmate whose votes are determined by who pissed them off most recently.  Still James swears he will protect them.

Matt on his favorite subject

Now we see King Matt strolling through the kitchen where the peasants are.  He goes to Natalie to reconfirm James is gone.  Natalie decides it's a good time for a psychotic episode, by asking if he's going to bring Sharon or Natalie to the end.  Is it possible to respond "Neither"?  King Matt has no idea what she's talking about (nobody sane does), so he pulls her into the cabin room to talk.  Matt and Natalie have a non-fight, and King Matt admits he doesn't like any of the girls in the house.  Natalie says he better not mean her.  Natalie, he likes guys.  You need to realize this gentle point.  All we accomplish is Matt leaves Natalie and Natalie might be against him.  Such drama.

We return to the Chen-bot, who tells us that the votes have already been taken, but they're going to pad more by showing us the DR sessions of people before they voted.  Chelsia wants Sharon to leave because Sharon isn't playing the game but sitting around reading the Bible, unlike Chelsia who is binge drinking, swearing up a storm, and fucking every random hobo she meets.  That's totally playing the game.  Adam wants James gone because of Chelsia, I told you that girl was a poison.  Sharon needs to go because she's the quiet one.  Yeah, that's the best excuse he could come up with.  Matt wants James evicted for having a pink mohawk and because he's a stronger player then Sharon.  So?  The guinea pigs are stronger players then Sharon.

We now check in on the house guests in the living room.  The Chen-bot first talks to the King, who talks about how sorry he is for being a pompus ass.  Natalie is next, and she tells us her relationship with King Matt haven't changed.  King Matt calls her his BFFL, because we all receive blow jobs from close friends.  We next talk to Sheila and then see a video comparison of Sheila and Jen Johnson in the unitard.  Which is looks better in the unitard?  Jen may be crazy, but Jen's got a body I could jack off too, so I give it to Jen.

Fuck me, now we get to see the evicted house guests in their separate sequester houses.  First we see Stupid Man, who has a new hair-cut and a goatee.  Maybe this is the mirror universe version of Stupid Man.  Next we go to Jen and Parker.  Jen is still a bitch and Parker is still a tool.  Good to know.  Jen thinks they were never given a chance.  Yeah, it's not that you chose to blow your giant secret and your own allies chose to nominate you, you two weren't given a chance.  Moron.

Onward to Alex and Amanda's House Of Fun!  Alex and Amanda got to realize something in sequester.  They hate each other!  Yay, what a realization.  Maybe soon they'll realize everyone else hates them too.  Alex tells us he won't be a nice guy if he goes back into the house (because when I think nice guy, I think clingy jack off who obsessed over his partner he hated).  Amanda tells us "if I go back", and that's all I hear, as the thought of being subjected to Amanda again shorts out my brain.

Finally Allison.  I don't care what she has to say, but if she went back, at least Allison would take out Asshole, which makes her worthy in my book.  The Chen-bot announces it's time to reveal who America voted for.  Please note that all text-message votes placed cost people money.  People paid actual physical money to vote someone, who the Chen-bot reveals is Alex, back into the house.  If Alex doesn't go back, people essentially dumped their money down the toilet.

Before we get to see if Alex will be returning (spoiler alert!  He's not), we get more DR sessions.  Natalie wants Sharon out because the voices in her head tell her that's what she wants.  Natalie wants James gone also.  Sheila thinks Sharon is playing both sides of the house (yeah right).  Asshole says something, I don't care.

Finally it's time to reveal the vote.  Sharon looks nervous, James looks possibly high, possibly bored, possibly I don't care.  To the shock of no one, James was evicted by a 5-1 vote.  What a shock!  You totally almost fooled me into believing that James was going to be safe.  Well good-bye James, in a good season, you would be off to the Jury House.  Except, this is not a good season, this is Big Brother 9.  James exists quickly and sits down for his Chen-bot exit interview.  As is my policy, I am skipping all of it, except for the end.  This time I must report on the end.

"What if I told you this may not be the end of the line for you?" Those are the exact words that the Chen-bot said to James, and the moment my stomach dropped.  James says he'd be pants crappingly happy, and the Chen-bot reveals the twist.  The house guests will vote to either bring James or a "previously evicted house guest" back.

Big Brother blares the Stupid Twist Siren, and all the idiots run into the living room, kind of like trained dogs.  The Chen-bot comes on and begins to explain the twist.  First she shows them a box, stating inside of it is Alex.  Or rather, a "mystery house guest" who has already been evicted.  WHY ARE YOU NOT TELLING THEM!?  Why!?  If you don't tell them, they will never vote for them!  The house guests might think Amanda or Jen is inside of their!  Tell them for fuck sake tell them!  The Chen-bot calls it a "difficult choice".  Not for Ryan, Adam, Sheila, Natalie, and Matt who all wanted James gone.  All they have to do is vote for the mystery guest, right?

Wrong!  Both Adam and Natalie fail at thinking and vote for James to come back, giving James five votes to return.  So essentially, Ryan's run as HOH didn't count.  Oh, and unlike Chima in Big Brother 11, Ryan doesn't get to compete in the next HOH, but James does.

And this is why.  This moment right here.  This is literally the producers delivering a middle finger to the audience.  All they had to do to get Alex brought back was drop the stupid fucking "mystery house guest" bullshit, because Adam and Natalie voted for James specifically because they were afraid who the mystery guest might be.  Because of the producers, James got brought back in the house after Ryan put a target on himself evicting him.  Since Ryan can't play for HOH, if James wins, Ryan will be gone for no reason other then trying to obey the stupid rules of the producers.  Rules they happily change depending on what mood they're in.

The biggest loser here is America.  I may not like Alex, but America voted for Alex to come back.  Alex gets to come back.  No stupid vote, no stupid twist to save James, bring fucking Alex back!  They don't care though, they don't care what America wants or who America voted for, all the producers care about is "what stupid twist can we throw in next!?".

It's almost enough to make you sick.

We return to the living room, where their is now a large mystery box.  Lacking air holes.  I hope James can hold his breath.  To the shock of Ryan, Sheila, and King Matt, James bursts out of the box.  Ryan and Sheila both plaster on very fake smiles while backing away from James.  King Matt instead runs up to kiss James ass, patting him on the back and hugging him.

With that, it's time for the next HOH competition, Big Brother Disco.  Fitting name, since this season is deader then disco.  Each house guest gets on a small platform chained to a rotating ring, and is lifted into the air.  The ring spins them and a large champagne bottle sprays them with suds. The person who hangs on the longest is the new HOW.  The episode mercifully ends with the image of the house guests looking spin sick.

So Ryan's HOH amounted to nothing, James is back with a grudge, and the viewers are essentially being told to fuck off and die.  It's sad that I've come to expect this.  It really is.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 13

Previously on Big Brother: Stupid Is A Twenty-Seven Letter Word, Spelled Natalie, Ryan won HOH, the couples were split, and Asshole found knew ways to make me loath him.  Everyone acted like being in singles would change the game, but it wouldn't really since all the remaining couples were going to work together, and they've been playing as individuals since the game began.  Ryan nominated Sharon, Queen of Fun, and Chelsia, Queen of Crabs, for eviction.

We resume where we previously left off, with all the idiots milling about after nomination.  Sharon tells Ryan it's okay, but in the DR whines that being nominated "shows you who you can and can't trust".  Yeah, Ryan showed you he couldn't trust you, and he totally had no reason to do that!  Except for the fact that you nominated him last week!  And that he's aligned with your ex-partner, and you being gone would make that stronger!  And that you acted super pissed when you won HOH!  ...Wait, why the hell did you think you could trust Ryan exactly?

Asshole admits he was nervous during nominations, but to his surprise (and my irritation) Asshole escaped the block.  Asshole admits that he can only be concerned for himself, now that they're playing singles.  Because you were totally concerned about others when you were still playing in pairs.  Question, does screaming death threats at crying women count as being concerned about someone other then Asshole?

Chelsia is next to whine, yapping about being on slop and the block.  She's going to have to kiss everyone's ass, and if I were everyone, I wouldn't let Chelsia's lips near my anus.  You don't know where Chelsia's been!  Anyway, Chelsia hates it and will no longer give Ryan a discount on hand jobs.

James, who I've been told is a good player, brags about how he managed to get the only person he could trust 100% nominated, but plans to try and save her, thus undermining his plan of "hide our alliance by nominating Chelsia".  The best player of the season!

Reinforcing my idea that James is a nimrod with the subtlety of a howler monkey, Ryan names all the people he trusts.  He names Adam, Matt, and Asshole.  Didn't see James in there.

They're having a conversation
and it isn't about me!?

We move into the Red Bedroom, where Asshole, Sharon, Chelsia, and Sheila are talking.  With a group like that, I can actually feel myself growing dumber looking at them.  Sharon whines that she "knew it wouldn't be one of the guys, cuz they stick together", but it would be her.  Is Sharon honestly so stupid that she thinks Ryan nominated her because she isn't a man, and not because she nominated him a week ago?  Can Sharon truly be that dumb?

Well yes!  Yes she can!  While Sharon is right, the boys have an alliance, she got lucky.  She guessed that because she's honestly deluded herself into forgetting that she NOMINATED RYAN LAST WEEK!  Sharon, these nominations make the most sense.  You are the target because you nominated Ryan.  Chelsia is a pawn with enough friends to keep her around.  It has NOTHING to do with "penises" sticking together.  Yeesh, this kind of delusion is something I expect from fucking Sheila!  Not you Sharon.

Moving on, we see Asshole and Ryan up in the HOH, where Ryan promises not to put Asshole up if the POV is used.  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

You have to put him up!  Fuck the deal you have with him, he's scum!  Ryan says it's because Asshole only had a problem with Allison.  Asshole has a problem with psychosis.  Need I remind you that he went into screaming tirades about something only he knew about?  Ryan, get your head out of your butt.  Asshole can't be trusted.  Asshole yaps about not talking to Ryan in public, can't trust Matt (maybe you should have tried getting him evicted then, rather then targeting Allison!), blah blah blah it's the same shit we hear from Asshole when he's between personal attacks.  Asshole says in the DR that he can't trust Ryan 100% because...yes, Asshole is the one having trust issues.  Asshole, who immediately sells out his former partner Sharon, is having trust issues.  This guy is a stupid bastard.

Moving on to something more pleasant (anything without Asshole is more pleasant), we see James and Chelsia in the food storage room while low budget porn music plays.  I take it back, one Asshole is still better then these two together.  Chelsia begins by whining that she doesn't trust anyone.  Whining this to the guy who pushed for her nomination.  I bet if Chelsia could see this now, she'd feel stupider then usual watching it.  James tells her he's with her, somehow managing to keep a straight face.  James gives her a quick kiss, making sure not to maintain contact with Chelsia too long, lest his lips rot off.

So sweet it makes you want to puke.

James just keeps reassuring her, and all I keep thinking is how big of a hole this idiot is digging for himself.  If he helps Chelsia, he's screwing over his alliance of Ryan-Adam-Matt, and they'll no longer trust him.  If he evicts Chelsia, James screws over his alliance with her and will give Asshole and Sharon reason not to trust him.  Yet James just continues on this course of inevitable doom, promising she wont go home and implying he would use the Veto on her.  The best player of the season!

Now we see James, Adam, Natalie, Matt, Asshole, Chelsia, and Ryan all up in the HOH.  James laughs that someone in that room will win the grand prize.  How sad is it that not only have they dismissed the possibility of Sharon and Sheila winning, but I agree 100% with that assessment?

Matt asks what they'll each do with the money.  Natalie says she'll invest in a nicer pole, bigger boobs, and maybe some surgery to stop the whole lactation issue.  Well actually she just says she'll sit on it, but I think I'm probably right.  Matt calls her idea boring, and the two start fighting.  In the DR, Natalie is convinced that Matt constantly fighting with her is a sign that he loves her.  Much like the restraining order.  Matt throws a ball at Natalie, which pisses her off so much she leaves immediately.  What a whiny idiot.

We now get a montage of Natalie and Matt talking about each other, and by talking I mean Natalie saying all of the problems in life come from Matt.  Which means Natalie is leaving her manic phase and entering her depressive phase, good to know.

Asshole tells us in the DR that Natalie got him thinking.  Oh Christ no.  Yes, Matt putting Natalie in her place (Asshole's words, not mine), causes Asshole to come up with an idea.  He gathers James, Natalie, Sharon, and Sheila, and tells them "If we tell Ryan we'll give him two free weeks if he gets Matt out, I bet he'll do it".  That's their brilliant plan.  That Ryan is stupid enough to believe the word of James, or believe that Sheila could win a challenge.  You know, Ryan and Matt are both supposedly aligned with James, if James were to flip now, Ryan could just nominate him as a replacement should someone come off the block.  You idiots really didn't think this plan through.

Also, Natalie may be mad at Matt now, but Natalie is crazier then a masturbating hobo.  She'll decide that God wants her to forgive Matt, she instantly will and then she'll spill the entire plan to him.  Any other brilliant ideas Asshole?  Natalie does promise she wont say shit, but Sheila clearly believes Natalie will.   Why?  Just because Natalie built a life-size replica of Matt out of Popsicle sticks, held together by breast milk, doesn't mean she's obsessed with Matt!

Matt and Nutty Natty meet in the bathroom where Matt apologizes, and Natalie whines about him talking about her behind her back.  Matt says he doesn't, he insults her to her face, not behind her back!  Might want to work on this whole apology thing Matt, you're not very good at it.

Matt does apologize well enough for Natalie, so she immediately tells him about the plan to evict him.  Wow, made it one whole paragraph Natalie, good job.  I really shouldn't bag on Natalie, I should be pointing out that Asshole is an idiot who made a split second alliance with Natalie because she was in the room.  Nice work jackass.

Natalie says she swore she wouldn't tell anyone, and all Matty has to do is ask her before she says everyone involved in Operation: Two Week Stupid.  Did no one think getting Natalie involved was a bad idea?  Seriously?  No one at all had a problem with getting Natalie involved in a plan to oust the man who she's obsessed with.  Well Natalie does get Matt to swear not to say anything.

Even Matt can't figure out what's going on, as he tells us in the DR.  Natalie is insane for Matt, she built a replica of him out of cheese, and he's got three whole restraining orders against her.  What the fuck were they thinking?

Cut to Matt immediately going to Ryan to tell about the deal.  Ryan looks bored the entire time, and seems to be flying high on some good shit.  Both men believe they can trust Natalie as their "source of intel".  Yes, because Natalie has been so reliable thus far.  Wake up you idiots!

We now see Asshole coming up to see Ryan to offer him the deal.  In case anyone was wondering, no none of these dipshits were planning on keeping their words.  As the live feed viewers can attest, Asshole began talking immediately about how he'd win the next HOH and evict Ryan.  Ryan would have to be a complete moron to take their deal.  Which given this cast, sadly, is a likely possibility.

Asshole puts his spin on it, claiming everyone views Ryan as a target (nope, only Asshole), and that he needs to nominate Matt (yes nominate your ally, great plan Hannibal).  Ryan then mentions that the deal got leaked to Matt.  Why?  Why are you telling Asshole this!?  He'll get a chance to cover his own butt you fat idiot!

Now, what I love about this is that Asshole, who loves to talk about what a fucking genius he is, can't figure out who spilled the plan to Matt.  Ryan tries to hint at it, but Asshole is so dense that it just goes flying over his fat head.  Wake up and smell the ten foot restraining order you shithead! It was NATALIE!

Asshole, being the calm and rational person he is, runs off to go whine to Chelsia about Natalie not being trustworthy.  What is it with you people?  Natalie is in love with Matt...for some reason, and you people are stunned when she blabs about the plan to evict him?  How do you all manege to walk without wearing a helmet?  Shelia comes in, and when told by Asshole, whines that Natalie is blinded by him.  No shit Sheila.

Matt now runs back up to the HOH, since he could still be backdoored and Ryan's ass hasn't been kissed enough.  We cover the same shit we have for the last ten minutes, Asshole is paranoid, could go up, Natalie is crazy, could go up, blah blah blah.  Ryan admits in the DR that he's considering backdooring Matt.

Time to pick players for the Veto.  The HOH and two nominees each pick one player from the Veto sack, for a grand total of six players.  Ryan gets Adam, and Asshole is relieved.  Shut up Asshole.  Chelsia draws the known challenge monster that is Sheila.  Sharon draws Asshole.  Who cares.

Now we see Sheila, Chelsia, James, and Asshole up in the HOH room with Ryan.  Yep, time to make their pitch that is doomed to failure.  They each promise Ryan two weeks.  Yeah I bet Sheila will be able to make good on those two weeks, what with her record of 0-6 in challenges.  James tries to really sell Ryan on this, Sheila says something and I tune it out because Sheila's voice makes me vomit shit.  Chelsia also tells him that this could give Ryan "a huge amount of security".  Yep, since BB players have to keep their word or they loose.  It's in the unwritten Morality Rules Of Big Brother.

Time for the fucking Veto.  Matt is hosting, and James is wearing poker-player sunglasses.  The veto is a giant pool game, each round people shoot the pool ball with giant sticks.  The goal is to get as close as possible to the center Veto hole.  The one who is furthest away each round is eliminated.  When you're eliminated, you get to take one of the six mystery prizes.  However, someone eliminated later on in the game then you can exchange their prize for yours.

Yes it's one of the famous "prize challenge" vetoes, always a personal favorite of mine.  Why?  In Big Brother 11, the Prize Challenge HOH was the competition right after worst contestant ever Chima Simone was expelled for being crazier then a sack of Natalies.  (sigh)Good times.

Round one, guess who gets eliminated.  Ryan goes first and gets a terrible seven.  Asshole gets a four.  Adam also gets a seven.  Sharon gets a one.  Chelsia gets a three (she's used to handling large rods and balls).  Sheila whacks the ball so hard it sails past the veto and lands in the Nine hole, on the other side of the table!  What the fuck?  To the surprise of no one, Sheila and her mouth are eliminated.  Her prize is the Veto, guess how long that'll last.

A quick note, when you are eliminated and take a prize, the prize is not your prize.  It's not your prize until the challenge ends, then it becomes your prize.  If you want someone elses prize, you take it.  It's the rules and you don't have to feel guilty about that.  I bring this up so you'll know why Sheila will be whining later.  Sheila says in the DR that winning the Veto is bittersweet since "someone could possibly take it away".  Gasp, you mean the two nominees who haven't been eliminated could take the Veto!?  Parish the thought.

Round two.  Asshole gets three.  Adam gets three.  Sharon gets seven and will soon be taking the Veto.  Chelsia gets a two.  Ryan gets three.  Sharon's prize is a brand new motorcycle which she immediately gives to Sheila.  Sheila can ride it, and the vibrating engine will be the closest she comes to getting laid.

Round three.  Adam gets a one.  Chelsia gets a Veto symbol.  Ryan gets a four.  Asshole gets a four also, but since Ryan got it in the hole, Ryan is safe and Asshole is out.  Asshole wins a letter from home.  Probably from his Mom telling him that his whole family now wear bags over their heads.

Round four.  Chelsia gets a one.  Ryan gets a three.  Adam gets a four, and is out.  Adam's prize is ten thousand dollars, which he gives to Sheila for the bike.  Sheila sobs in the DR how sweet of a gesture it is.  Adam says he just wanted a bike.  Well no, he said it's because Sheila is a single mother (something she reminds us constantly).

Final round.  Ryan gets a three.  Chelsia chokes and hits her worst shot of four.  Chelsia wins a slop pass, which she gives to Sharon in exchange for the Veto.  Ryan wins...oh sweet Christ almighty.  Ryan wins a fucking red unitard.  No!  No!  No!  JENTASTIC!

God damn it, isn't Big Brother 9 bad enough?  Do I really need to be reminded of that Jensa level idiot?  In case you want to know (and believe me, you don't), this red unitard was given out in the Prize Challenge last season.  It was also won by the crazy girl of the season, the vapid and self-absorbed Jen Johnson.  Jen was known for wearing shirts with her name on them in terrible puns (Member Of Jensa, Jenius), constantly talking about her favorite subject (herself), and breaking the rules and destroying peoples property.  Why the blue fuck would you want to remind us of that waste of breast implants?  To say I am not a fan of hers would be an understatement.  She was the only person I hated on BB8 more then Daniel Donatto.  Plus, she didn't like Dan from season 10, my favorite player ever.

Matt claims that Jen's unitard is "back by popular demand" (how many idiots were out there demanding the unitard?), and Ryan may keep it or trade it.  To the shock of no one, he trades it.  To the shock of many, Ryan trades it for the $10,000 that Sheila has.  Well fair enough, Sheila didn't earn the money, and it's a legitimate game move to take it away.  Sheila will be mature about this, right?

Wrong.  Sheila whines in the DR about how unfair it is.  You know, it's probably unfair to your alliance of the moment that they have to win every challenge since you can't win any.  Doesn't cause them to whine about it.  Sheila whines that it was "devastating".  Really?  Then why am I laughing so hard?  Besides Sheila, only the biggest bitch in the house can wear the red unitard.  It's friggin' tailor made for you!

Seriously, no joke.  Every year until season 13, the biggest bitch in the house won the unitard, and in season 13 the biggest bitch nearly won it.  Hard Shelly kept the Veto and not Jordan, we'd have a clean bitch-sweep.

Ryan says in the DR that he could use the ten grand more then the Veto.  Yeah, but now you'll have to face the wrath of Sheila!  All she has to do is win HOH BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!  Sorry, I thought I could finish that sentence, but no.

Asshole is happy Chelsia won, Matt feels safe with Ryan, and I'm bored with these morons.  Well, with the challenge done, time for Sheila to whine.  Sheila whines and whines and whines and whines, and sobs, and reminds us she's a single mother, and I start to wonder how she hasn't run out of oxygen and passed out from all this complaining.  Well don't worry Sheila, you can guilt Ryan into buying a copy of your book!  Bringing the grand total sold to...one!  Seriously, Sheila if you wanted to damn money so much, don't suck!  All you had to do was score better then a fucking seven, and Ryan would have been eliminated!  You couldn't even do that!  Sheila, kiss my ass.

We see James and Chelsia making out (vomit) in the storage room, while music plays as the producers desperately try to convince us being subjected to Chelsia for another week is a good thing.  Chelsia and her boobs tells us how happy she is to have the Veto, how relieved, and I'm reminded that Chelsia doesn't know James pushed for her to be on the block.  Then he felt guilty and tried to get her pulled off.  The best player of the season!

Sharon and Asshole show up, and the four idiots confirm that Ryan is putting up Matt.  You know, since you all have that much influence over Ryan.  Jeez, two weeks immunity?  Was that really your best offer?  That offer sucks.  Ryan shows up, and Sharon makes the same promise the others have.  I gotta point out that the only person in this group who has been consistent in challenges is Chelsia.  James hasn't competed that often, and Asshole and Sharon have either done great or horrible in every competition, more often doing horrible.  What will two weeks of immunity from people who can't win HOH do?

I think I might hurl.

We now see Sheila putting on the unitard and GAH!  I saw Sheila's boobs!  Oh dear God, they're burned into my mind!  I'll never be able to look at cleavage the same way again!  (Sobs).  Anyway, Sheila's fat ass looks even fatter in the unitard, and her boobs look like they're about to rip the front of the thing in two.  Say whatever you want too about Jen Johnson (Lord knows I have), but Jen was hot.  Sheila looks like the victim of a plastic surgery and cigarette waste land.  Sheila says she's 45 (liar liar) and she thinks she looks good (a liar and deluded, a rare combo).  We now see Sheila...strut...in the unitard.  Sweet fuck why is God punishing me?  Adam says she looks hot.  No, she looks fat.  Jen looked hot.  Sheila looks fat.  And frankly, they need to burn that unitard, with or without Sheila in it.

Thankfully, Sheila does find time to remind us that she lost the ten grand.  Really?  I forgot.  Maybe you should whine about it every five seconds Sheila, then I'll remember.

I'm skipping every scene involving the money, because if I don't, this entry will be even longer.  All I will say is Chelsia doesn't believe that a game about playing for yourself allows people to be selfish (yes really), and Sheila whines a lot.  Chelsia accidentally says Sheila will "play the single mom card", something that offends Sheila.  Yeah, because you weren't just whining that you needed the money because you were a single mom!  Oh, right.  You were.  Dear God, Sheila is causing me to side with Chelsia, how sick is that?

Sadly, the sight of Sheila's tits
have blinded Ryan.

Sheila whines about Chelsia saying that to Adam, Natalie, and Ryan, convinced that they're going to go after Sheila.  I'm sure the other alliance is quaking in their boots at the thought of Sheila coming after them.  During Sheila's whine-session with Ryan, she pitches the idea of nominating James.

With all of that nonstop stupid out of the way, it's finally time for the fucking Veto meeting and the end of the episode.  Oh thank fucking God.  Chelsia decides to use the Veto on herself since her pimp would beat the shit out of her if she didn't, and Ryan must now choose a replacement.  Everyone looks on with anxiety, James calm, Asshole suppressing a shit eating grin, as Ryan stands up.

Ryan admits he's forced to make a difficult decision.  Not really, you either nominate your ally, or someone who screwed your alliance over and has a stupid mohawk.  Seems easy to me, and apparently is to Ryan also, because he nominates James for eviction.  James is shocked.  Chelsia is shocked.  Asshole is shocked.  Matty is cocky.  Natalie is thrilled.  And I'm laughing even harder.

Matt's head has now grown three sizes, as he pats Asshole on the cheek and tells James how sorry he is.  Matt, shut up before Asshole attacks you with the same knife he cut up Neil with!  Matt then stands up and proclaims that if they have problems they should come and tell him.  He yells a bunch of incomprehensible nonsense, and the episode ends.  Whatever.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 12

Previously on Big Brother: They've Parted, So Why Aren't They Dead? Asshole and Sharon won HOH, and proceeded to be insufferable about it, to the point that Amanda seemed like a fairly down to Earth individual during her HOH reign by comparison.  It didn't matter though, because Amanda was hated by Chelsia, and Asshole was not, so no one called out Asshole for being...well an asshole.  Asshole and Sharon nominated Ryan and Allison for eviction, plus another couple, but only cared about getting Allison out for having the audacity too!  Too!  I have no idea!  Asshole refused to give us a consistent story about why he was so pissed at her, so I just assumed he got off on it.  Anyway, Ryan and Allison were evicted, but to really twist the knife, a stupid siren of twist-convenience blared, meaning only one of them would be evicted.  Allison was then evicted a second time, crushing her and sending her home.  Ryan would then win HOH.  Glad to see these idiots took out the dangerous one in the pair.  I manged to write a record-length series of blog posts detailing how much I hated these idiots.  I still hate them.  Also, I hate that the season logo doesn't have a 9 in it, but a heart.  I suppose it's fitting, watching this show is like having a spike rammed through your heart.

We start off as all bad episodes do, with a DR session from Asshole on Allison.  He states that if he had emotions aside from rage and loathing, he would have been happy to see Allison go, especially as she did.  Her being miserable was like a gift from Asshole's dark master, and he enjoyed it very much.  Now that Allison is gone though, Asshole needs a new target.  You know, Sheila is just sitting there doing nothing...

Matt yaps about it being bitter-sweet, because damn it, he didn't want to see Ryan go!  Which is why Matt voted to evict him!  I know Matt didn't like Allison, but is Sheila really all that much better?  Matt yaps he couldn't stand Allison, good to know you spent so much time kissing her ass and she thought of you as a friend.  See why these people all make me want to throw up?  None of them have even a shred of basic human empathy or sincerity.  They're fucking piranhas eating each other.

Ryan states he originally thought BB fucked up with the door (not the first thing they fucked up with this season), but he thought about it, then the siren sounded, then Ryan thought some more about it, and he realized that maybe the door didn't open for a reason!

The scariest picture of
Natalie ever.

Natalie was freaked out by the siren.  As she tells us, she knew that "something's crazy" when that siren played.  That would be you that's crazy, Nutalie.  Yeah I know, much like Matt and the gay jokes, I really lay into Natalie being insane.  Well I wouldn't do it so much if Natalie wasn't crazy!  I mean, look at the picture!  She has the crazy eyes!  Also, oddly muscled arms.  And what the fuck is up with the eye-shadow?  She looks like she took both barrels from the Homer Simpson makeup gun.  Yeah you can't see it well from the picture, but she looks like a hooker.  Chelsia must have helped her put it on.

Asshole says that Allison being happy for a second "literally made me sick".  Sadly, not sick enough to die.

Sheila's first thought when she heard the siren was that BB wanted her to hawk her book she hasn't written yet on the live show.  When she found out that it meant she'd be playing a single player game from now on, Sheila's first thought was "Thank God.  Buy my book!".  Mind you, Sheila is going to keep playing with Adam anyway, and stay clamped on him like the fucking leech she is, but that's not important right now.

Adam had a similar thought, screaming with joy since it meant Sheila could now sleep somewhere else!  Hooray!  That is worth celebrating, the knowledge that you don't have to be in the same room with Sheila.  For him, the only way the twist could have been better would have been if Sheila's mouth was stapled shut by BB.  Well, it would have been better for me.  And most of the house really.

"Hell, Natalie is giving me a BJ
right now, it's why I'm making
this face"

Matt is super happy, since it means that Natalie doesn't have to share his bed, so she can't sit beside him, staring at him while he sleeps.  However, Natalie can still give him blowjobs!  So Matt get's blowjobs and no overnight insanity.  It's the best of both worlds for him.  He's so happy he actually calls Natalie by one of her nicknames, Chatty Natty.  I haven't mentioned it, because the show rarely did, but Natalie frequently referred to herself by nicknames, each nickname I think being the name of which of her personalities was in control at that moment, including Chatty Natty, Nasty Natalia, and God's Warrior Princess.

The dominate personality at this moment is Nutjob Natty, who talks in the DR about how mean Matt was for moving to the opposite end of the couch from her the moment it was announced that they weren't partners anymore.  Natty, I would do the same thing.  I wouldn't want to breathe the air even near the vicinity of your thighs, out of fear I might catch the skank from you.  The moment I was told I wouldn't have to sit beside you, I wouldn't.

Ryan talks to us next, as we see a replay of Allison's eviction.  He states that he held his joy in, because he didn't want to upset Allison more after she was evicted unanimously.  Wow, that's a lot of class Ryan.  Want to know who doesn't have that same level of class?  Sheila!

Sheila sobs about how bad she felt, not bad enough to throw Allison a sympathy vote mind you.  She whines about not being able to look at Allison, and then cries "Why couldn't I help you!?".  Oh, I know this one!  Because you were to busy kissing HOH ass to help Allison!  Also, notice that this whole DR session is about how bad Sheila felt because Sheila was unable to help Allison, and Sheila evicted her.  Not once does Sheila seem sad that Allison is gone, just that she played a part in it.  It amazes me that even now Sheila finds a way to be a self-absorbed bitch.

Keeping with our theme of Class, we are again shown a Allison leaving with no one saying good-bye.  Natalie watches her leave, while thrusting her chest out to remind us she had a boob job, and Matt is in the back ground talking about how they're spending the evening in the hot-tub.  That's Matt for ya, always able to find the positives in a situation.  Allison has just been crushed, voted out unanimously after nearly being safe...and none of you dipshits bother to say good-bye.  What a group!  Oh, and the moment Allison leaves, they get super loud and start hugging each other.  I wonder, what cesspool did CBS drag these people out of?

Asshole gives a DR, and if I recap it I'll have to invent three new curse words just to describe how much I hate Asshole.

Might as well comment on one thing.  Asshole calls Allison's eviction "the ultimate revenge".  First, how very Christian Asshole.  As a Christian, every time I say that a part of me dies.  Second, revenge for what!?  What, you stupid bastard!?  You never said what the fuck Allison did to you!  If it really was the lesbian lie, why do you not hate Sheila!?  Fucking God I wish you would die.

On to topics that wont make me spew blood, we get to Ryan winning HOH.  Ryan and his strangely bright white shirt are thrilled to win HOH, especially since he was nearly evicted.  Matt is also happy, and he hopes that maybe Ryan has short term memory loss and won't remember that Matt voted to evict him originally.  Keep hope alive Matt.  Won't keep you from getting evicted, but keep it alive anyway.

Now it's time for an Asshole DR that makes me smile!  Asshole whines about Ryan winning HOH since it's the last thing he wanted.  Yeah Ryan, how dare you win and not think about Asshole!  Oh wait, Asshole nominated you, and could have evicted you instead!  Never mind.  Asshole whines about how he could be nominated, wha wha wha.  You knew what this game was about before you signed up shithead, expect revenge.

Sharon says something, but whenever Sharon starts talking I start hearing elevator-music in my head, so I have no idea what she's saying.  Something boring probably, or maybe she's finally considering a nose job.

Well, that scene lasted fifty whole seconds, fifty seconds we could devote to Matt and Natalie being crazy!  CBS obliges me, as we see Matt has moved into his new bed, and God sent a message to Natalie in her nail polish.  She confronts him, and I realize that Natalie's arms are more toned then Matt's.  Weird.  Anyway, Nutalie is upset that Matt wants his own bed, and in the DR she states Matt is just joking.  Oh honey, he's as serious as your restraining order collection.  She laughs it off, stating he wants her in his bed!  And on his penis!  Incidentally, CBS starts playing knock-off Psycho music.  Even they think Natalie is crazy.

Matt is very clear, telling her repeatedly to stay away and stop kissing him, while Natalie just giggles and refuses to blink.  In the DR, Matt is just ecstatic that this "huge weight" has been lifted, but he'll either have to fake his death or hire a good attorney to keep Nutty Natty away.  I say fake your death.  Natalie isn't bright, and if you splatter your clothing with enough ketchup, she will assume Asshole killed you, and kill him in response!  I hope!

Natalie then gives us a reeeeally creepy DR, chanting "he doesn't mean it", calling what Matt is doing "reverse psychology" (it's not Natty, he really does hate you), and states he doesn't mean it.  Matt doesn't, damn it!  God told her so!  The other voices in her head even agree with God, she and Matt are meant to be together!

Time for James and Chelsia to tell us what we don't care about, specifically what their thoughts are on Ryan winning HOH.  Chelsia is worried, but since Ryan is one of her best customers in the house, that might keep her off the block.  Chelsia starts whining about how much she loves the game, about how two faced people are, how things are different since she and James are not a couple, how she's not welcome anymore at the free clinic, blah blah blah.  Do these people do anything beside bitch and moan?

James pretty much ignores Chelsia, and when Sharon walks into the room, he ignores her too.  As does everybody watching the show.  The only thing James cares about is if the two are targeting him, which they are not.  James, you and Chelsia share a bond that only most people with gentile warts understand, do you think she would ever target you?

Chelsia leaves James and Sharon in the Red Bedroom, and enters the Log Bedroom where Ryan is.  It's time to do some good ole' fashioned ass kissing.  Chelsia yaps like a deranged chipmunk, talking so fast and her voice being so high I can't understand her.  It's not aided that Matt suddenly remembers he hasn't kissed enough ass, and begins talking over her.  James just sits in the Red Bedroom, listening to this and looking disgusted.  Yes, it's so much more dignified to pout and refuse to play a game you signed up for.  Moron.

Sad Panda

James whines in the DR about how much he likes Chelsia.  He know's she must like him, since he's broke and can't pay her, but she keeps sleeping with him anyway.   James is beginning to get worked up, and I must remind you that you ARE NOT PLAYING THE FUCKING DATING GAME!  You are playing Big Brother!  You are (supposedly) trying to win a half million dollars!  Win the damn prize, if Chelsia leaves you, find another hooker to ride around with you on your bike you fucking dolt!

Oh Christ almighty, we've now reached the first segment of a running subplot of BB9.  That subplot being "Natalie hears God talking to her, and declares holy war on all of those who don't follow her psychotic blasphemous version of Christianity".  We see Natalie in the living room, reading the Bible (specifically Joshua), and mumbling crap to herself.  I can only see one of her hands, and I really hope that the other one is just out of sight, and not in her pants.

Adam walks in, and Natalie happily tells him about how "what goes into a man's mouth does not make him unclean", meaning she can put Matt's dick in her mouth as often as she wants and never be unclean!  No, what she actually is talking about is the second part of that passage "what come's out of a man's mouth is what makes him unclean", and how it applies to Asshole.  Natalie comment's that maybe Asshole has been running his mouth in a bad way (ya think?), and she starts to yap about not being able to take things back, tongues being fire....zzz...wha?  Oh shit, nodded off for a second.  Natalie is still talking, and I do not care.

All things considered, this scene is harmless.  Sadly, it's also the first of many scenes of Natalie looking for passages in the Bible to support her current insane mood.  If she can't find one, she takes one that has nothing to do with what she's talking about, and just twists it around until it does!  I'm sure God is thrilled about that.

We next see Asshole in the hot tub praying to God.  God sadly doesn't care enough to take his calls.  Asshole is praying about how sorry he is that he verbally abuses women, and he'll be sorry when he does it again later that week.  Dick.  If God is merciful, the water in that hot tub will start boiling, and we'll end up with boiled Asshole for dinner.  Sadly their is no mercy, just Asshole being a hypocrite.  Oh, and then he prays for help on his diet.  Yeah their are starving children in the world, but damn it, Asshole needs to drop a few pounds!

Now it's time to see Ryan's ugly ass HOH room.  Have I mentioned yet how much I hate the HOH room?  Ryan wants to see Jen because of how much he misses her, and the Jen mask that he has Chelsia wear just isn't doing it for him.  Well Ryan is in luck, their are pictures of Jen everywhere, just reminding me how much I hated Jen, and how happy I am to see her gone.  I'm skipping the rest of the HOH room reveal because, much like Ryan, it's nice but boring.

You know, it's been twenty minutes now, and we've only had one scene with Sheila and Adam hating each other.  Well CBS fixes that, as we cut to the Log Bedroom, with Sheila sobbing because of how hard it was to see Allison leave.  It wasn't hard to tell Asshole how much you hated her, or to vote to evict her, just to watch her leave huh?  Sheila, how do you manege to make it through life without a brain?  I really want to know.

Sheila whines to Adam about how ugly things will get.  Adam doesn't respond since he's high as a kite, and Sheila looks like a monster made of whiny spaghetti to him.  Sheila keeps whining though, not noticing that Adam just doesn't give a fuck what she has to say.  She gripes that she can't connect with any of the other girls in the house, and again, you could have tried to get Ryan evicted!  Adam starts comforting Sheila, trying to get her to shut up (good luck), while she sobs that the two of them are huge targets.  Yes, everyone in the house is just shaking at the thought of a nose-picking drug dealer and a menopausal former pin-up model coming after them.

Sheila admits she complains about Adam (really?  Hadn't noticed), but the two of them got lucky as a couple. Not really.  You two couldn't, and still can't, work together and you sniped about each other in the DR all the time.  Sheila keeps fucking crying (SHUT UP!) in the DR about how Allison was her buddy!  Who she repaid with an eviction vote!  I'll say it again, shut up Sheila!

Adam channels the audience in the DR, pointing out he has no idea what in the blue fuck has set Sheila off, and he doesn't really care about her.

Let's turn to James and Chelsia.  Now let's leave James and Chelsia, since this scene only matters if you think this pairing of a hobo and a street hooker has a chance.  I don't.

We cut to the Log Bedroom, with Adam, Matt, and Ryan sitting around and not saying or doing anything.  Riveting stuff folks.  Sheila enters and heads through the other door, into the Cursed Boat Room.  She talks about how happy she is to now have her own bed, since Adam (who she was so grateful for just five minutes ago) snored and moved in his sleep.  That may be true, but Adam had to deal with something far worse.  He had to live with the fact that he was sharing a bed with Sheila!  The thought alone will give you nightmares.

"So what do I gotta do to not be nominated?
Cash, back rub, blow job?  I'll do it!"

The episode finally remembers that we don't like Sheila, as we cut away too Ryan and Matt in the kitchen.  Ryan has consumed all the food in the fridge, and Matt is here to kiss his ass.  Matt tells him that he didn't want to evict Ryan damn it!  He just wanted to evict Ryan more then anyone else in the house except Allison. That's a lot better dumbass.  Ryan displays a brain that so many seem to lack, by deciding to forgive him and use Matt for his vote.

Matt points out the obvious, they need a crew.  Please note that this is the first real alliance forming in the house.  Five weeks in.  Sweet Christ these people are stupid.  Matt want's the "fellows" to join up and run the house.  Not the women, they have vagina's and won't be of any help.  Matt also states they need to be smart about this.

Next we see them recruiting Adam into their little proto-alliance.  So much for being smart.  Adam is an easily lead idiot, you can pressure him into doing any thing.  Him and Ryan talk about how big of a turn around this is, out by the pool table.  Adam smiles like a moron, getting happier when Ryan tells him he won't be going on the block.  James and Matt both come out, and Matt tells James that he's a part of the four guy alliance he didn't know existed.  Good to know.

James, who fans of this season insist is the best player, doesn't want to form an alliance.  Not with the guys.  Nor with anyone.  James doesn't see the point since "this game changes every fifteen minutes".  The best player of the season!

Time for more crazy, courtesy of Natalie and the fucking guinea pigs.  Natalie is in the kitchen, and CBS is blurring out her ass despite the fact that she's wearing panties.  Weird.  Anyway, Natalie decides to show Ryan, who is also there, something interesting she found in the guinea pig cage.  Interesting?  This season?  Not fucking likely.

Natalie points out the three colors in the guinea pig toy.  Matt and Ryan both come over and point out that their are four, as Natalie insists their are three.  It's at this point you realize Natalie is to stupid to count to four.    She then points out that their are twenty-seven wooden blocks in the cage, and twenty-seven letters in the alpha--STOP!  Stop Natalie, just stop.  I refuse to believe that.  I refuse to believe for a second that even you are so stupid that you think their are twenty-seven letters in the alphabet.

Oh but she does!  Even as Ryan and Matt point out what a god-damn idiot Natalie is, she insists that the alphabet ends "X, Y, And, Z".  Yes, Natalie thinks that "And" is a letter.  This is the level that we're working on folks.  Be very afraid.

Well it's time for the stupid food competition, this time involving French fondue puns!  The high water mark of comedy no doubt.  As they divide into teams, Natalie decides to ramp up the crazy, as she says she has to be on the same team as Matt.  Matt's favorite color is blue, so she has to be on the blue team!  And no doesn't always mean no!

Nat ends up on the blue team with Matt, saying that he let her have it.  Matt loves her, and he appreciates all the things Natalie does for him, like the pictures of him in nail polish, or the 52,000 verse poem she wrote for him comparing him to a Greek God and a corn on the cob.

The red team is made up of  the challenge anchors of Sharon, Asshole, Sheila, and Chelsia.  I'm serious, those four might be the worst at challenges in the house, and Sheila is far and a way the absolute worst.  James, Adam, Matt, and Natalie (who will win most of the challenges this season) are on the other team.  Guess which will win.

The challenge is a bland affair, involving sliding down a water slide into a pool of chocolate with letters in it.  Teams use the letters to spell out foods, and write them on the chalk board beside the pool.  You spell it correct, you get the food.  The team that gets the most before time runs out gets the food they spelled.  Anyway, the challenge is very average and their isn't a whole lot to make fun of.  They do their thing, and look like they have fun, which would be nice if I didn't have a blinding hatred for all of them.  To the surprise of no one, the blue team wins by one word, spelling twelve.  Sheila gets to be on slop, and I get to hear about it.  Joy.

Sheila does not disappointing, griping in the DR about being on slop.  Sheila says she has plenty of fat (any one who has seen her ass will agree) reserves so she won't need to eat.  I question the wisdom of this.

Well with a bland challenge done, it's time for Asshole to kiss ass.  He pulls Ryan into the Log Bedroom, and puckers up, promising not to put Ryan up if he won HOH.  You know, except for that time when he did.  Assholes promises are like politicians and babies diapers, full of shit.

Need I remind you that Asshole already broke his word?  Even though Allison was his real target, Asshole was more then willing to evict Ryan also, ignoring bigger threats Matt and Natalie because of his one man vendetta against a slight that might never have happened!  Ryan agrees not to put Asshole up, and my personal estimation of him drops.

Now we see Asshole dancing in his boxers.  Skip it!

Ryan, Matt, and James (with a trio like that, the boredom really leaps off the screen) are up in the HOH discussing who to nominate.  Ryan wants to put up Sharon and Sheila.  Yes!  Yes!  Evict the Dragon Lady!  Sheila must go!

Sadly Sharon is the target, not Sheila.  James is worried if you put Sharon up next to Sheila, Sharon will stay, something that just confounds Matt.  Yeah, it's not like Sheila is a complete bitch who is hated by almost everyone in the house, while Sharon is a bland and forgettable girl who pisses off no one.  No wait, that's exactly what it's like.

Adam enters, and Matt tells us "This is the crew, we are the Bros!".  Suddenly I get Brigade flash-forewords (shudder).  James decides that they need to put up someone more likable then Sharon, and nominates Chelsia.  ...Chelsia more likable then Sharon.  Chelsia, one of the few people I hate MORE then Sheila.  Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

Wait, James doesn't mean as a pawn, he means as a target.  James wants Chelsia evicted.  Now this is a James I can get behind!  Tell a girl you have feelings for her, then evict her immediately, that's so cruel.  I love it.

Anyway, time for nominations.  Two of the Fucktastic Four (Sharon, Chelsia, Joshua, and Sheila) will be nominated, and I will laugh when it happens.  The idiots gather around the table, as the nominations begin.  Ryan has gone with James suggestion, and Chelsia and Sharon are nominated.  If only that stupid siren would blare now, and it would turn out they were both evicted also.  Oh well...

Chelsia whines in the DR about how she is on her own, without James or her pimp to help her.  Sharon says something, it's dull and I don't care.  James feels guilty that Chelsia is on the block.  Why?  Because you argued for her to be nominated and evicted?  Bah, that's nothing to feel guilty about.  You mohawked moron.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?