Big Brother 9 - Episode 7

Previously on Big Brother - Crotch Rot Named Chelsia, James and Chelsia won HOH, striking a blow for bi-sexual porn stars and hookers everywhere.  They also lost cups and showers, but gained a margarita party.  That house is really going to smell like vomit.  James cawed like an idiot, and came up with a plan to evict Alex and Amanda called Operation Condor.  I waited with baited breath for Alex and Amanda to announce their counter plan, Operation: Johnny Cash.  Since James and Chelsia were HOH, they nominated Alex and Amanda, promised Matt and Natalie they wouldn't nominate them, then nominated them anyway.  What more can I say about these idiots, really?

Amanda in the DR states she isn't the least bit surprised, she had a suspicion that Chelsia would nominate her.  What with Chelsia screaming that she hated her and wanted her to die.  Amanda was able to piece these subtle clues together, and knew she would be nominated.  Alex blames Amanda for being on the block, and I must point this out.  If your partner is a psychotic idiot, and you do nothing to reign her in, you are also at fault numb nuts.

Matt is pissed because James shook his hand and then broke his word.  Let me just say this right now, one of the worst mistakes you can make in any competitive reality show is to many deal to fast.  Doing that show's you are untrustworthy and makes you a target.

James tells us he does not feel sad.  Say that again in six weeks assmunch.  He claims him going back on his word is part of the game.  While true, you publicly admitted you gave your word to Matty, and then broke it.  The house knows you're a lying piece of shit James.  Why the fuck would they want to work with you?  Well, with the nominations done, James and Chelsia choose to have a celebratory fuck.  James, make sure that whatever is secreting out of Chelsia's pussy wont melt your rubber dude.

Chelsia in the DR states she isn't here to make friends.  Believe me, no one for a second thought you were noose girl.  Next we see Natalie, dressed in battle lingerie, stalking Matty in the cabin room.  She's trying to figure out what to do next, and needs his half of the brain to think.  Matt is to busy taking out his anger through some hard core bed making, while ranting the entire time.

Alex is sitting outside, his expression suggesting that he's wondering how much time he would do if he cut Amanda open.  Amanda walks outside, because when a guy wants your head on a pike, going to talk to him is totally the correct thing to do.  She states that she knows Alex is pissed, but it's okay because she's pissed too.  Wow, who knew Amanda being pissed would keep them off the block!  Wait, it doesn't!  So her being pissed means dick!  Alex tells her to leave because he doesn't want to lash out at her, which in Amanda talk means "Yammer on like a zombie and fill my ear with useless drivel!".  Amanda refuses to shut up, and desperately tries to blame Alex, while Alex looks like he's going to slap her.  Please do.

Next we have Allison and Natalie in bikini's.  Now this scene is supposed to be about Allison no longer being a lesbian, but instead I'm going to talk about something much more important.  Natalie's boobs.

Natalie is a bikini barista, she serves coffee in a swim suite, but she used to be a stripper (and possible meth addict).  When she was 19, Natalie got pregnant, but she wanted to keep stripped, so she had an abortion.  Fair enough.  This is where we leave reality behind, and enter the acid trip wonder-land that is the life of Natalie.  Natalie claims that this caused her boobs to completely deflate.  Uh, no.  Getting an abortion does not let the air out of your tires Natty.

In order to keep stripping, Natalie decided to get a boob job at 1923.  Yes, she waited four years.  The night before she was supposed to get her boob job though, Natalie discovered she was pregnant, a big no-no.  So in order to survive the pregnancy test coming the next day, she got a cup of urine from her boyfriend (she was apparently allowed to carry it into the doctors office), and used it to fake the test!  Natalie would get an aborition two weeks later.  Now what makes this story awesome is that Natalie is punished, presumably by God, for this.  The implants dameged her mamery glands, and thus have caused her to lactate randomly for the rest of her life.  And people wonder why I call her Natale: The Lactating Stripper.

This story was never mentioned on the show, but was told a few times on the live feeds, plus you could occasionally see Natalie milk herself.  Mind you, she would also lie and say it was because of a third abortion she had, while still claiming she only had two (yes really).  Why did I tell you this and not talk about the episode?  Because Natalie will end up becoming one of the most important crazy players this season, and to understand Natalie, you must understand her boobs.

The only thing you need to know is that Allison is hanging out with other people, and Sheila is loosing it because her fake lesbian girlfriend isn't attracted to her anymore.  Allison has betrayed Sheila...somehow, and that Allison has played her.  To what end?  What are you talking about you annoying whore bag!?

Time for more of Operation: Kiwi Bird, as Matt confronts James and Adam as they blow smoke at each other.  Yes really.  He's still pissed because James shook his hand, dude!  Give it up!  You're on the block!  Don't make the HOH mad, or the voters mad!  Just shut up!  But Matt doesn't, as he rambles a lot and looks really pathetic, calling Allison and James weasels.  James just blows him off by pointing out it's a game.  We'll see about that James.

Alex comes out to kiss James bright pink ass, while in the DR James states that Matt and Alex are afraid.  Why, cuz they're both up for eviction?  Can't imagine why!  James states the two "instantly had a relationship", finally proving that Matt and Alex are gay lovers!  Thanks James.  He wants to break them up, because the two boyfriends will never vote against each other.  The two jilted lovers get in James face, waving their fingers and babbling a lot.  If it sounds boring, that's because it is.

 Alex and his hair state in the DR they need to win the veto.  No, really?  I figured you'd throw it, and just hope Amanda hasn't pissed to many people off.

A face only a crazy
lesbian could love.

Goddamn it, I had honestly forgotten.  I figured they'd left it on the cutting room floor, that I wouldn't have to talk about it, but I was wrong.  It's time for more fake lesbian action with Allison and Sheila.  We get to see Allison be pulled into the log bedroom by Sheila, who is convinced that she is being sent vibes by Allison.  She can totally feel it, she sees it in Allison's eyes, in her walk, in the way she dresses, in the wrinkles of her vagina!  Sheila knows Allison is mad at her, just like she knows the government put cameras in her brain.

 I just about wish that Sheila would declare that the government is transmitting secret messages into her head. It would make this next scene less crazy.  Sheila continues to talk over Allison, as Allison points out that just because she talks to men, doesn't mean she's interested in them, and if Sheila is this controlling, their fake lesbian marriage won't work damn it!  Well no, Allison and Sheila are just talking about random crap, mostly how Allison needs to get closer to Ryan with his girlfriend gone...interesting word choice.  Is Season 10 here yet?

Nope, because it's time to pick players for the veto!  I don't really get why they're picking a name out of a bag if only one other couple will pick, just let the HOH pick them.  Since their are only three couples (and next week two) not on the block, then most likely the HOH will be fine with whoever gets picked.  Well that idea would make sense, so they would never do that, duh!

The couple selected by random draw, gasp, it's James and Chelsia's allies, Sharon and Joshua!  Then again, every couple not on the block are allies of James and Chelsia!  Adam is selected to host the competition, with them calling him A-Baller.  Fitting name, Adam's been in prison eight months now, so he knows what balls  up the A feel like.

Will this couple be broken up
 for good?

Our next scene is another chapter of the tortured romance of Matt and Alex.  Matt is so furious, he actually decided to turn his accent off and talk like a human being!   I know, shocking!  The jilted couple run off to the store room, to share a moment together, since it may soon be their last.  Matt tearfully declares he has to win the veto, as it's the only way to save him.  You could try that whole "alliance" thing dude, might be able to save yourself then.  Alex says he doesn't care because he'll always love Matt.  Matt goes on the, profanity filled, offensive about how much he hates James and Chelsia, he wants to send them home and not be a loser.  Alex strokes the side of his face, and tells him that he'll never consider Matt a loser.  The two are about to kiss when James walks in.  I might have made some of that up.

James shows the audience how best to make friends and influence people by calling both of them losers.  Yes, insult the people from two different couples, only one of them who will be going home, while the other could win HOH and send your pink ass out the door.  Dumbass.  Matt tries to intimidate James while suggestivly stroking a banana.  James is bent over, looking at food in the fridge, while Matt continues to stroke the banana and look at James's ass.  Yes really.

Honestly people, I'm not trying to go overboard with the homo-Matt jokes, but that's what he's doing!  Take a look!

You did gay fetish porn before, right James?

Seriously, what could I add to this?  This is why Season 9 sucks, you never feel like you're watching Big Brother.  You feel like you're watching some fucked up, low budget porno.  Which in all honesty, isn't far off.

Anyway, James just jokes with them, ignoring the death glares of the two, and walks off oblivious.  Have I mentioned people said James is the best player of the season?  Matt mumbles something about not being in a fucked up place in his life.  Because it's so much more healthy to ignore the crazy, blow job dispensing chic with fake, lactating breasts who shares a bed with you, and instead spend time with your masculine, mandanna wearing friend.  Matt, you are in a place of some reeeeally hard core denial.

With that, Adam screams that it's time for the veto, his eyes bulging out even further then usual.  He must be dipping into his good coke today.  James in the DR points out that they're fucked in a physical competition, and that his bizarre clothing combo of a pink sweater and bicycle shorts wont be able to save the day!  He needs to win though, if James doesn't, then Operation: Osprey will crash and burn!  Natalie meanwhile feels the need to announce "This is GOING to be CRAZYYYYYY!"  If anyone would know, it's her.

The challenge has turned the back yard into a power yard, with transformers and electrical boxes everywhere.  I'm getting bored just looking at it.  For a moment though, I think that maybe the challenge will be seeing who can take being electrocuted the longest.  Chelsia believes that since her dad is a lineman, this will give her an edge!  For some reason!

Adam mentions that they've been in the BB house for fifteen days (only fifteen!?), as he explains the rules.  Despite how it looks, this is just a generic puzzle competition, connect cables to transformers and power boxes, the cables are buried in barrels of peanuts.  Which ever couple wins not only wins the veto, but the house will be allowed to receive "information from the outside world" in the form of newspaper headlines on an electronic board.  That's a reward?  If this challenge sounds really easy, that's because it is.  It's also not just a POV challenge, oh no.  It's CBS whoring out BB in order to promote yet another crappy show in the form of a stupid tie-in that only serves to scare the ever loving shit out of the house guests.

Alex talks about how complex it is, since the power poles are closer together early on and further apart later, and the cables are different length.  This may just be me, but I think the short cable should be used first.  I know, crazy idea!  Alex further describes the puzzle as being "like a puzzle".  Nah, really?

Alex barks orders, Amanda shows off her boobs, and I'm reminded that since this is a mental challenge, it's unlikely any of these fuck ups will solve the puzzle.  Natalie confirms this when she points out she and Matty just put the cables anywhere, who gives a fuck if they fit!

The challenge is as exciting as you would think people clipping up cables would be.  The challenge ends in a frantic run to the end between Alex and Joshua, but Joshua and Sharon pull out the win.  Josh and Sharon react like you would expect, with no class and lots of screaming.  Adam congratulates the two of them, while gazing happily at his outstretched arm.  That's some real good shit.

Adam then starts up the electronic message board, and they watch news headlines.  They're pretty generic, talking about the 2008 Presidential Election at first.  Amanda cheers for both candidates, not because she knows who they are, but because the message board makes pretty lights.  These idiots mispronounce Obama's first name, calling him Barek.  Their is a Brittany Speares headline which I don't care about but Joshua does.  Incidentally, that's the headline that gets the biggest reaction..  Then we get another example of just how stupid the CBS executives are.

The next headline talks about the deadly Hudson River Virus.  Yes, remember in 2008 when the country was ravaged by the HR Virus, killing off millions, and then was never mentioned again by the fall television season? NO!

The Hudson River Virus was a tie-in to the stupid serial show Jericho, a show that sucked so hard it was canceled after one season, brought back by its cult fan base for a second, and then sucked even harder!  CBS decided that in order to increase ratings, they'd try and tie it in to Big Brother 9.  Yes really.  They thought attaching Jericho to this winter-edition turd would make people want to watch it!  In actuality, Jericho would be canceled again before this season ended, and the tie-in became dated before day 70.  Nice work CBS, you guys really are always on the ball.  Deciding to put an obscure tie-in to a TV show that would be canceled in a few weeks, I bet no other network would be dumb brave enough to try that.

All the tie-in did was scare the ever loving shit out of the house guests, who thought some virus was ravaging America, while they were stuck in the BB house.  Nice.  I'd talk about how stupid these people are, but the real idiots here are CBS.

I can however call Matt and James idiots for implying that the producers had infected them with a virus.  Oh come on, CBS is not the US government, no matter how much they want to be!

Now we get Allison plucking eye-brows, while Sheila whines in the DR about how distant Allison has been since their breakup.  I can see it happened too, Sheila you can't control Allison's life!  She deserves to be a fake lesbian with someone who makes her happy, damn it.  Sheila doesn't care though, which she shows us by laying provocatively in a cleavage exposing top while Allison has a tickle fight with Chelsia.  Boy that sounds like porn.  Sheila though decides she wont treat Allison the same way.

No, instead of doing what Allison is doing (ignoring the crazy woman), Sheila decides to whine to Natalie while cursing up a storm about Allison.  Lady, Allison has not said one bad thing about you.  The two of you WERE NOT DATING.  The dates the two of you shared, like any sales of your book, are all in your head.  You are not, repeat me, not a lesbian.  Sheila is yapping so loud that Joshua can hear her through the wall of the room.  Nice work Sheila.

Natalie and her boobs admit in the DR she's shocked at how Sheila is acting.  When the woman who believes the number eight is a message from God is shocked by your behavior, something is wrong.  Sheila continues to show us just what a well adjusted individual she is by swearing to use all personal info Allison told her against her.  I'm sorry Sheila, are you forty-five years old, or four.five years old, I must ask?  What does it say when the oldest on this cast is arguably the least mature?

Now come the conspiracy theories, as Sheila declares Allison's stories of being in debt (since Allison is a recovering gambling addict) are made up because she "looks like she comes from money", before Sheila calls her a stuck up bitch.  Sheila, the only thing Allison did to you was make friends with other people, and I can't imagine why she did it!  I mean, you're such a kind, forgiving, understanding person.  Between this and you screaming at Adam for the crime of being alive, I can't figure out why everyone in this house hates you.

Well that scene is over, now we get to watch Sheila bitching about Allison.  But it's totally different!  Instead of bitching to Natalie in the cabin bedroom, she's bitching to Matt in the food storeroom.  Matt is naturally upset, since he and Alex use this room as their secret meeting place, and now Sheila has infected it.  Sheila is screaming about how she saved Allison's ass.  Sheila, last time I checked, the other house guests all just hated Jen and Parker.  Your vote would have forced a tie, had you changed it, which would have still ended with Jen and Parker leaving.  Stop acting like Allison should be sucking your tits in thanks you fucking bitch!

Sheila now begins to attack Allison going to college (yes really), by declaring that while Allison has college, Sheila has street smarts.  Yet said street smarts didn't allow you to figure out faking a lesbian relationship was a bad thing?  They also apparently didn't tell her that her voice carries, since Sheila is screaming so loud that Sharon can hear her perfectly in the living room.  Sheila takes a moment to sob over how unbelievable Allison is acting.  Yes really.

Since Amanda isn't around to gossip, Sharon takes that proud role on herself, running up to the HOH where James and Chelsia and Ryan and Allison are.  She grins like she just grew a personality as she talks about Sheila talking shit about Allison.  Sharon describes how Sheila feels unloved and unneeded by Allison.  Yeah, most people feel the same way when their fake lesbian relationship ends.  Ryan gives me reason to love him, as he asks the question everyone on earth is asking.  What the fuck is wrong with this woman?  Boy, talk about a question with no one right answer.

Allison finally looses it, going on a bleeped out tirade about how she's listened to Sheila's stories for hours, and when she finally wised up and ran as far away from Sheila as she could, she's suddenly the bad guy.  Allison goes to have a calm conversation, and you should know that a calm conversation with Sheila is a screaming match.

Sheila says she doesn't want to make this a big thing, before cursing Allison out and telling her that she owes Sheila her kidney apparently, since Sheila and Adam alone saved Allison.  She declares that Allison has been talking down to her, she knows that Allison is flashing her diamonds at her!  Sheila continues to loose it, while Allison begins to scream back.  Sheila continues to obssesivly bring up Allison's education, declaring that they can all call her "pathetic" and it wont effect her.  Is that a promise?

Others pour into the room, with Ryan defending his partner, and Adam defending Ryan's partner.  It's kind of sad that Sheila can't get her own fucking partner to defend her.  Alex and Amanda celebrate in the boat room that they've been saved by this.  I don't get how, since Adam and Sheila aren't on the block and Joshua and Sharon will not use the veto.  Then again, I doubt that Alex and Amanda are smart enough to see that far ahead.

With the fight ending, Big Brother starts playing rejected porn music while we watch a sad looking Sheila sitting alone on a double bed, while occasionaly cutting to Allison jogging outside.  Yes really.  Sharon sits out there with Allison while they talk about Sheila.  Sadly, Sheila's very name is so toxic that Allison starts to die outside as her throat closes up.  Damn it CBS, I told you that if you're going to start killing this group off, the order for women is Chelsia, Amanda, Sheila, Jen, Sharon, Allison, Natalie.  Allison is second to last on the list!  Second, if you're going to start killing house guests, why is it that you waited to kill off this group, but you let the Friendshits walk around living!?

Allison makes it to the DR and requests her EpiPen.  A nurse meets her in the DR and Allison will soon be on her way to the hospital.  Meanwhile in the kitchen, Amanda mentions briefly needing sugar, and then decides it's a good time to bring up that she's hypoglycemic.  Not before she got cast for the show, not before she ended up on low-sugar Big Brother slop, no Amanda waited till half a week on low-sugar slop to mention being hypoglycemic.  Amanda and Natalie walk off, but Amanda sadly dies on the way to the bedroom.  Well at least they're finally killing people closer to the top of the list.  Natalie at first doesn't react, just kind of watching while thinking "Did God finally strike down an evil doer?"  She then calls out Amanda's name a few times, before searching her corpse for change, and only then running off to get someone else.

Alright, Amanda also isn't dead, her blood sugar just ended up too low.  Of the two, Allison was probably in more danger since her throat was literally about to close up.  Still Amanda is carted off to the hospital, only to be brought back a little later and be told she can now eat real food.  Damn it, so the secret to getting off slop is to have a medical emergency?  Now that the house guests know, they'll all be faking low blood sugar!

I'm not going to talk about the medical emergency, because I don't want to focus on the occasional good acts these people do.  I want to focus entirely on the thousands upon thousands of terrible things these morons do to each other in the name of cheap entertainment.

With that in mind, it's time for the Veto ceremony.  Joshua is dressed like a golf caddy, while Sharon is in a bathing suite and looks like one of the models on The Price Is Right.  It's really weird.  To the shock of no one, the veto is unused, all but ensuring the success of Operation: Blue Jay.  If only I cared.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 6

Previously on Big Brother: Suicide Racists, Joshua and Chelsia managed to hit a new low when they mocked Amanda's father's suicide.  Jen decided to throw away a nine-month relationship in favor of a small chance to go further in the game by claiming Ryan was a racist.  She got evicted.  Boo-hoo.  Chelsia and James won HOH, meaning the obnoxious hooker is now in charge along with the gay-porn star whose head looks like a penis.  Marvelous.

We get a flashback to the eviction of Jen and Parker.  Ryan calls it bittersweet, while I just call it sweet.  He then claims he's in this game now for himself And Jen.  Amanda sobs that she's in this house with people she doesn't like and that she didn't want Jen and Parker to go home.  Then maybe you shouldn't have nominated them shit-head.

Alex is glad Parker left because he liked Amanda.  Dude, you don't like Amanda.  Do you honestly hate your partner so much that anyone who likes her must go so she'll be miserable?  If so, bravo!  Amanda alone and unloved is an idea I can get behind.  Allison is glad Jen is gone and thinks Ryan deserves better.  Allison, pairing him with about anyone or anything would be better.  Him claiming his new soul mate is his right hand would be better then Jen.  Hell, his right hand will give him the same stuff as Jen, but without calling him a racist!

Jen and Parker looking better then ever

Sheila is glad Allison is around so the two of them can plan their fake lesbian life together.  With that we go to the memory wall to watch the pictures of Jen and Parker go gray.  If you listen carefully, you can actually hear people all across America cheering.  Matt gives us a DR with his accent that it so thick I doubt a chainsaw could cut through it. I have no idea what in the hell he is saying so let's move on and pretend he was coming out of the closet.

Now we again watch the end of the HOH competition where our house guests gave up both hot water and cups, but decided to have a margarita party.  James and Chelsia shriek about being HOH, Chelsia in particular feeling strong.  They'll all have to come beg to her, and she'll indulge them, or make them think she cares, but then she'll squish them like ants while laughing the entire time like the amateur supervillian that she is.  With Chelsia in charge, the rest of the house will have to prostitute to her, instead of the other way around.

James yaps about being shady and it being good they're in charge since the two of them are shady, and they can do shady things and have shady sex on national TV.  They're going to want to burn the sheets in the HOH bed.  Alex, being a living piece of wood, says in the DR he didn't feel good with James and Chelsia winning.  Nah, really?  The girl, who hates your partner more the customers who try to skimp on the bill after the BJ, winning HOH is a bad thing?  Alex then blames Amanda, ignoring that he did nothing to stop her gossip until the house was nearly homicidal.

Amanda says the two of them winning made her throw up in her mouth, much like Amanda's voice makes me throw up in my mouth.  Amanda then says she'll be on the block "for real, no bueno.".  What?  Natalie crazily says she and Matty aren't targets, while Allison thinks she wont be a target since she's a lesbian.  Joshua is happy that Alex and Amanda's massive egos will be deflated by this.  Joshua who felt entitled to attack the suicide of Amanda's father for kicks and thinks he's the only one playing the game, is accusing others of having massive egos.  Their are no words.

The morons house guests walk inside, with Natalie wisely observing all the cups are gone.  Yeah, when Julie said you were going to loose all your cups, that meant you were not going to have them.  Shocking, I know.  Amanda can't figure out why their cups are gone.  The Chen-bot told you you were losing them you fucking moron!  You can't honestly be this stupid!  Apparently they all are, as it's taken them this long to realize they can't drink things without cups.  How do you morons not forget to breathe?


With that stupid done, more stupid comes with Matt talking to James and Chelsia in the Boat Room.  Matt is kissing some pink ass, trying to get the dynamic dipshits to put up Allison and Ryan.  James makes no promises, just stating he wont put Matt up.  Remember this, it will be very important later in the season.

We now get a scene with Joshua.  Oh joy, I wasn't nauseated enough yet evidently.  He and Sharon are in...I have no idea to be honest, and Joshua is wearing a crown.  If he's wearing it because he thinks it looks nice, or because he believes everyone should view him as the king is up for personal interpretation   Joshua is grinning like he just ran over an orphan as he tells Sharon their is another couple in the house.  The lesbian idiots known as Sheila and Allison.  He tells us in the DR that if he can trust Sharon 100%, then he must be completely honest.  If we're being honest, tell us just what happened to Neil and just what you seasoned his corpse with.

Anyway, this news is so shocking to Sharon she immediately makes porn face in disbelief.  Joshua is unbelievably smug in this conversation, talking about how lesbians can "conceal it" better then gay guys.  Joshua would of course know this as a lesbian...wait, no Josh has a dick.  As I watch this scene, I must pause and point something out.  This is nothing new we are learning, and Joshua telling Sharon will end up having little impact on the events in the house.  Why do I bring this up?  Because this scene is a symptom of one of the biggest problems this show will now start having.  This scene is boring!  Horribly boring!  But that's the problem, most of this episode and the season is boring.  It's boring because we've seen it all before, several times before, and we do not care about it!

We now transition to James and Chelsia coming out of the DR, screaming for the others to come see their HOH room.  Chelsia runs off, a trail of STDs streaming behind her as she does.  Everyone pretends they actually care as they run up the stairs to see that ugly ass HOH room.  Matt is especially excited, even grabbing James's ass in excitement.

The room is full of the usual crap, baskets for both James and Chelsia, pictures (proving Chelsia's parents are not demons in hell like I assumed), and gifts from home.  Matt in the DR claims he's just excited because he wants pictures from home also, and not at all because James and Chelsia probably will nominate him.  We see James mom now, who looks like she's going to throw up in the picture of her.  I'm sure James elicits that reaction from many people.  Chelsia takes the chance to point out her brother is hot and single.  Personally I think he looks like a blander version of Ryan, which is rather impressive.  Also Chelsia, just because your customers treat you that way does not mean you should treat your family like items being sold at a meat market.

Chelsia keeps screaming, and I suspect this is what paying for a night with her is like.  This time it's over the picture of her fucking cat of all things, and man that cat is ugly looking.  In the DR Sheila has a calm and rational conversation about how...okay, I can't get through that without laughing.  Sheila breaks down crying for Chelsia, for how happy she is for Chelsia, for all the pictures blah-blah-blah, Sheila you would cry if someone dumped your beer bowl out.

She can see into your soul.

Our next scene involves Chelsia and Natalie.  Fuck me, this is gonna' hurt.  Chelsia and James blah-blah to Natalie about giving Matt their word, and I must ask, why is this scene here?  What does it contribute?  Couldn't the viewer just assume that Natalie would be told about the deal by someone else?  Natalie promises them the same thing, making the crazy eyes as she does.  Natalie then starts to squeal with joy, as James and Chelsia slowly back away from the crazy woman.  I think the producers need to get Natalie's doctor to up her dosage of crazy pills, these aren't working.

Oh dear God we're getting another scene people remember right now.  James, in his most fabulous pink shirt with a plunging neckline, goes into the backyard where Adam and Ryan are standing, for some reason.  James announces he wants to form a secret alliance that will rely on intelligence too...you figured out I was lying the moment I said intelligence, didn't you?  No, James announces the upper deck must go.  As in, the top row of the memory wall.  Yes really.

James, in a really insane DR session, makes bizarre hand gestures as he yaps about how Alex and Amanda must leave for being on the top row of the memory wall.  He announces the plan to get rid of them, Operation Condor.  There is a great name for a plan, named after an ugly ass bird that was almost driven extinct by a fire caused by a singer and by their habitats being torn down.  It's a name that just inspires hope!

The scavenger of optimism!

James then starts shrieking like Natalie after three days off her meds.  In the DR he again states the plan is Operation Condor, and shrieks again while making arm wings.  We get it, Operation Condor, you can shut up now.  It's called that because "the condor swoops in and takes the topshelf!".  James is not a zoologist.

Adam and Ryan babble about Condor going down, and I agree.  This plan will go down in flames with the brain trust of you three running it.  Adam yaps about eating, sleeping, and drinking condor.  Damn it, Adam's using his own product, he thinks they're feeding him condor now.  James states in the DR (now in completely different clothing, good job editors) to guarantee Alex and Amanda go home, you need a pawn.  Yeah, no.  In Big Brother, the pawn goes home.  Not just a few times, about every eight out of ten times a pawn is put up, the pawn goes home.

Common sense though is not stopping Operation Vulture!  Ryan and Adam both protest going up, and I must ask why James told them.  They could go tell Alex and Amanda, who even if they couldn't do anything to stop James, they could make his life a living hell.  James, the house is already against the two of them, you don't need people on your side.

Ryan is excited about Operation Falcon, both because it means he isn't a target, and maybe BB will provide a condor for him to eat.  Adam gives us a psychotic DR where he caws like a bird.  That killed five minutes.

Our next scene brings back Amanda, talking to Natalie in the kitchen, about Josh.  When you hear a trio of names like those three, one thought crosses your mind.  Abandon ship!  Amanda wants to go talk to Josh, most likely because she was turned on when Josh screamed at her till she cried, and wants him to do it again while she fingers herself.  Well, at least she isn't going to ask him to form a secret alliance.

Amanda gets Josh alone, and proposes a secret alliance.  (Slams head into wall).  Amanda, Josh hates you, and is alligned with James who wants to get rid of you!  Is anything going on in that firm butt of yours?  I mean, head!  Joshua mumbles lots of things to her without opening his eyes, leading me to believe he's asleep.  Joshua might suffer from sleep-scheming.  Would anyone be surprised?

The secret alliance of the two is a good example of just how fucking stupid the couples twist is.  Big Brother is a single person game.  You can't win in couples, you can't scheme as couples, you can only play as individuals.  Which is what these two are doing.  Joshua and Amanda are forming a secret one on one alliance without their partners.  When Jen and Parker were evicted, most of the house guests admitted they only wanted Jen gone.  They had to get rid of both of them.  So while people act as individuals, everything they do effects two people.

The plus side of the couples twist is the season will end sooner.  That makes it totally worthwhile.  Anyway, Amanda reminds us just how pathetic of a person she is when she apologizes to Joshua for making him snap.  Yes, it's totally your fault he went off on an unprovoked tirade against you.  Moron.

Now we get a scene with Matt and Natalie, who are sort of the anti-Jeff and Jordan.  Up to this point I've barely touched either Matt or Natalie, but that's about to change.  Matt is all that I've mentioned he is, a possibly closet homosexual with an accent that you can't decipher.  Natalie though...wow.  Natalie is a swirling vortex of insanity, crazy in ways that baffle scientists to this day.  She's an ex-stripper who, thanks to getting a boob-job while pregnant (before getting an abortion), lactates randomly and will do so for the rest of her life.  If you order coffee from Natalie, make sure that it's black.

We can start to see the origins of insanity, as Matt plays pool, and Natalie talks to Amanda in the hot tub.  She talks about how she likes a guy who squints when they smile.  Yes really.  I know that's a really stupid thing to like, but Natalie is really stupid.  She talks about how she likes "Matty" a lot, so much so that she gave him two blow jobs and then denied that they happened!  She tells Amanda she gets butterflies when she's around Matty, and the obvious solution is to cut off Matty's skin, and crawl inside him, so she will always be with Matty and stop being so nervous!  That may seem like something insane from her, but in five weeks, that'll seem like the most normal thing Natalie could have said.

In actuality, all she does is talk about Matty's cute (and vacant) face.  We then take a reeeeeallly crazy turn in this conversation, as Natalie talks about how they both want five to seven kids, and she can see herself having them with Matty since he's all she's looking for in a guy!  Have I mentioned they've known each other for two weeks?  And Natalie is imagining their kids?  In the DR Natalie credits Matt with putting "naughty" thoughts in her head, and seeing as I can almost perfectly see her boobs in her sweater, let me say this.  Screwed up boob job or not, those puppies are nice.

Next we go to the HOH room to see Matt and Natalie.  Well obviously, seeing as they won HOH, right?  Natalie shows us why she was cast on this show as she takes a topless bikini bubble-bath.  Natalie asks him is he wants to join, while ranting in the DR about how close the two are.  So close that Matt doesn't even respond, just making a hand gesture while eating James and Chelsia's free food.

Matt finally comes in and tells Natalie that he doesn't want to have sex with her, out of fear that insanity is an STD.  While Natalie claims she doesn't want to have sex, she just wants them to have nude bubble baths with lots of touching.  As I watch this, I can see Alex and Amanda open the door with a key, meaning this scene is from a week ago, meaning Natalie was obsessed with Matt in even less time.  Do you see what I mean when I call her crazy?

Matt in the DR flat out states he doesn't feel romantic about Natalie, while Natalie plans out what colleges their children will go too, and where they'll retire and grow old together.  Natalie says the two of them are like "that movie, The Cutting Edge", in that they both like each other (not really) and don't want to admit it, and in that the knife Natalie will use to cut off Matt's skin will have an edge to it.

With that stupid finished, it's time for another chapter of our favorite romance story, The Tortured Faux-Lesbian Heart, staring Allison and Sheila.  Allison wants to tell Joshua and Chelsia the truth (because if the last episode showed us anything, those two are such level-headed and forgiving people.), while admitting in the DR that maybe lying about being lesbians was a bad idea.  Took you all day to figure that one out, didn't Allison?

Sheila, having the IQ of a bowl of soup, doesn't see what the point would be.  Um, Sheila I know it's exciting to plan the faux-honeymoon you two had in Aruba, but two couples have been split up.  You really need as few people to know this as possible.  Sheila does make one good point though.  Joshua, being gay, might be offended and use this as an excuse to go off on a long tirade.  Oh please, Joshua needs no excuse to go nuts, he's shown us that by now!  Allison thinks Chelsia will be okay, forgetting she will tell Joshua, and states that they'll tell Joshua "we thought you'd find it funny".  Yeah, having people lie about being gay for kicks is a laugh riot.

Let's move on from this conversation, since these idiots are again just talking in circles, and move on to James and Chelsia bursting out of the DR wearing sailor hats.  In spite of what you might think, they were getting ready for the next challenge and not filming a nautical-porno in there.

This competition is a food competition, where the house divides into two teams and compete against each other, with the HOH competing but getting food no matter what.  The winning team of the competition gets food, the losers get BB Slop, which is essentially an oat-meal version of the food bricks from Solitary.  The two teams are Yellow Sea-Duction (Oh God these puns are going to kill me) and Green Dev-Ocean.  Yellow (I am not using that stupid name) is made up of Joshua and Sharon, Ryan and Allison and Natalie and Matt.  Green is Alex and Amanda, Adam and Sheila, and Chelsia and James.  Wow, with a line up like that, guess whose going to loose!

I'm hoping for a ship wreck.

The morons head into the backyard, only to realize it stinks like the HOH room will after James and Chelsia are done with it.  Their is a mini-pond set up out there, with two large boats, a dock, and lots of fish everywhere.  James and Chelsia give the rules for the competition, with a LOT of bad puns thrown in.  Each team has three members holding three nets, while the other three throw fish into the nets of the other team.  First team to loose all three nets will eat slop.

As they do this pointless activity, let me comment on the food competitions, which have since become Have-Have Not competitions.  Food competitions used to be a lot more varied and frankly, more fun.  My favorite of all time comes from Season 3, where the house guests had to consume a large brownie house in order to gain weight.  Now though they're almost always the same thing, either hold something for longer then someone else, or fill up something faster then someone else.  These competitions were once fun, and are now just excuses for bad puns and Jessie doing a (really bad) French accent.

I'd talk about the challenge, but who cares, they're all losers in my book.  The team of three strong men plus Joshua wins, while the team that's stuck with the HOH (who can't loose) and Sheila looses.  Shocking, I know.  I also know that it seems like I didn't cover a lot, but I hit the highlights.  The entire challenge is people (poorly) throwing fish underhand, while giving commentary in the DR.  Since the challenge is boring and these people are idiots, the commentary is stupid.  We learn nothing other then we hate all these people and want them to die, which we already knew.

In the DR, Amanda is worried being on slop will affect her game.  What, it'll cause you to develop a game?  This leads us into our next scene, filler involving Amanda saying bueno a lot.  Yes really, this is how they fill the show.  Amanda running around saying "good" in Spanish.

After that, we get James and Chelsia in the HOH room.  James finds Chelsia kind of attractive, but he should be affraid to sleep with her.  I mean, given the places Chelsia's toxic crotch has been, she could cause his junk to glow green or something.  The scene is just the two of them talking about each other and looking at each other, while imitation porn music plays in the background.  The excitement hits a fever pitch as James sits in the bed looking at Chelsia who sits in a chair!  Wow, it makes me ask so many questions, like, will they both sit in the bed together

Oh fuck, back to Allison and Sheila.  Sheila in the DR calls telling Chelsia that she and Allison were lesbians "a little white lie that snowballed.".  Yeah, I'd say lying about your sexuality counts as more then a little white lie, dumbass.  Allison feels really bad about it, not bad enough to wish she hadn't told said lie, just that she has to tell the truth.  Could you morons possibly wait until after the nomination ceremony to tell the HOH about your lie?  No?  Why am I not surprised.  Allison states that lying in this game is not a good thing, but doesn't explain just why the hell she decided to lie about something so stupid in the first place.

James walks in, and they now have to tell him, since Chelsia told him.  James seems to find it funny, and Allison decides she'll tell Joshua.  Well this has gone well, I'm sure that Joshua will handle it with all the calm and rational we've come to expect from him.  Allison tells Joshua in the food storage room, where Joshua is bizarrely only in a towel.  Joshua can't figure out why they'd make that up, and he is understandably pissed off.  He confronts Chelsia, and the two of them (yes really) can't figure out why Allison and Sheila would do something that stupid.  Joshua, ever ready to play the moral superiority card, derides the two as liars.  Oh shut up dickhead.  He calls Sheila a bitch and Allison a horrible person.  Oh, so harsh.

James decides he needs a strong pawn in order to get Alex and Amanda out, so he decides on Matt and Natalie.  Matt who he told he would never put up.  Well it's not like James gave him  his word or anything, cuz if he did, then James would be a huge liar!  This will make sense in a few weeks, trust me.

With that, it's time for the nomination ceremony.  Amanda thinks she and Alex are targets because they're both smart.  Amanda couldn't make a more wrong in  statement, even if she declared that she could shit gold.
Natalie and her boobs feel safe because James and Chelsia did give their word, and that's totally something to bank your safety on!  Sheila worries she could be a target for no reason other then the lesbian lie.  Is that all?

Finally it's time for the nomination ceremony.  James and Chelsia bring out the nomination wheel of death, and slowly reveal that they've nominated Matt and Natalie, and Alex and Amanda for eviction.  Amanda is the target as Chelsia makes clear, she doesn't like Amanda and states if Amanda doesn't like her, she should say it to her face.  Yeah, because if she had, Chelsia could have screamed in her face right away, rather then having to find out and scream at Amanda later!

Alex is bitter towards Amanda, Amanda is going to fight with every ounce of bueno she has, Natalie has two sets of guns, and Matt says something about pink hair.  Who gives a fuck, the episode is finally fucking over!  Hooray!

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 5

Previously on Big Brother: Killing Time Till Season 10, stuff happened, none of it interesting.  Jen and Parker and Ryan and Allison were nominated for eviction, Matt and Nutjob Natalie won the veto, told Parker they would use it on them, and didn't.  The house guests became more annoying, but sadly only two are going tonight.  I say pitch all these dicks, but that's just me.  Jen ended the episode by saying she was going to quit playing nice.  I assume this means that she's now going to devour Ryan after the two have sex, rather then just dreaming about doing it.  Tonight though one couple, whose names are Jen and Parker, will be leaving.

The Chen-Bot welcomes us wearing a bizarre combo of business suite and purple noose.  Wait, that's a scarf.  Anyway, our robotic host goes over what happened in the last week, reminding us about the stupid pairs twist.  She mentions that Jen and Ryan decided to spill their secret, which is bullshit.  Jen made an executive decision, with heavy emphasis on execute.  The Chen-Bot decides to tell us that one couple will be voted out.  Wow!  I totally didn't see that coming!  Someone will be leaving!?  On eviction night!?

WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS JOB?

Now I could make fun of the Chen-bot and her dramatic pivots when she walks all day long, but I wont.  Instead, let's go to our first scene of the episode and make fun of our favorite firm-ass punching bag, Amanda.    Amanda is up in the HOH room, mouth running like a fan belt, dressed in a striped cave-man outfit.  At first it's hard to tell what she's say, because when I hear Amanda's voice I immediately pretend I'm hearing something more pleasant, like vomiting or country music.

If you do choose to listen, you realize she's actually talking to someone.  A real person.  Not just the voices in her head!  She's blah-blahing to this person about how he's viewed as cocky and arrogant, and how she has nothing to do with it.  Then why the hell are you telling him this?  We then see this person is Joshua.  Amanda, you left out a few descriptions, like obnoxious, selfish, monstrosity, waste of sperm, etc.

Incidentally, their are mirrors in the HOH room, and in them Amanda's lower half is blurred out.   Amanda is giving this speech to Joshua, without wearing pants.  Honest to God I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with these people.

Joshua points out that Amanda's big mouth is her biggest flaw.  No, I'd say her lack of impulse control, and the fact that her hair weighs down her brain are bigger flaws.  We get a montage of Amanda gossiping to people who clearly don't give a fuck what Amanda has to say, also known as the rest of the human race.  She tells things that she shouldn't, like Alex having been declined four times for one credit card, but I must ask something.  Why would you tell personal secrets to a known gossip?  Isn't that asking for trouble?  Morons.

Chelsia is next to remind the audience (if we were nodding off, not unlikely), that Amanda is doing a lot of gossiping and it will bite her in her firm ass.  Natalie is next up, taking time out of painting mermaids on paper towels with nail polish and believing the number eight holds a message from God, to state Amanda is looking for attention.  Natalie then denies that she gave Matt two blow jobs, before shrieking that he doesn't pay enough attention to her.  Or rather, that's what should happen.

Amanda and Natalie are in the sauna room together, in the sauna, talking about how they have to win HOH (not fucking likely Amanda).  No one knows the two of them are allies yet, and it's important to keep it secret.  Which is why they ignore James and Allison, who are sitting five feet away playing cards!  A sauna stall is not a sound proof booth you dolts!

Natalie whines that Amanda's gossiping could get her in trouble, so she decides to gossip about Amanda too the rest of the women about how much Amanda sucks!  Wait, what?  This gets Chelsia pissed off, about as much as James did after the two fucked and he asked if he could pay the bill later.  Like the confrontational hooker that she is, Chelsia storms into the backyard for the sole purpose of picking a fight with Amanda.

Amanda is in the hot tub and (thankfully) not saying a thing.  Everything is calm and quiet.  Chelsia though knows that tact is for the weak, and begins to fight with Amanda.  When Amanda states she heard James say that he would put up Alex and her, Chelsia forgets that James stiffed her after their last fuck, and decides that he is her partner damn it!  And that matters for some reason!  Chelsia starts shrieking "We are a team, we are one!".  No you are a pair, a duo, a couple, you're two fucking people Chelsia!

Amanda tries to defend herself, and Chelsia responds like all women this season, by cussing at Amanda and cutting her off.  She yells that maybe Amanda didn't say Chelsia said anything, maybe she said James said something (yeah, she did, five seconds ago), and Chelsia continues to ramble like bag lady.  Amanda tries to find out why Chelsia is mad, and Chelsia responds with all the class God gave her by screaming "I'm fucking pissed off, listen to me!".  Chelsia, you're so loud that people in space can hear you.  Please shut up.

Every time Amanda starts to talk, Chelsia immediately cuts her off by claiming she's not finished, and then begins cursing at her again.  Gee, I can't imagine why Amanda doesn't want to hear you talk Chelsia, stupid bitch.  Joshua in the DR decides it's a good time to turn the house against Amanda.  Have I mentioned yet that Joshua considers himself a good Christian.  Yes that's very Christian, starting fights and attacking someone who was caught off guard by the ramblings of a crazy prostitute.

Joshua jumps up and begins the nastiest tirade we've seen yet, screaming that she's a fucking bitch, calling her horse face, screaming everyone hates her, that she's too ugly to be slapped, that her partner hates her, and she should die.  In case you were curious, Joshua is screaming these things about six inches away from her, so close spit hits her.  Asshole.  He then calls her a fucking whore (she's a virgin!) and tells her to shut the fuck up.  You know you fucking douche, the only people yelling were you and Chelsia. Joshua then reminds me just why I called him a complete monster when in the DR, he calls his screaming attack on Amanda "the most fun he had in the house".  Very Christian.

Amanda asks if the whole house hates her (since everyone is now outside) while Alex buries his head in his hands.  Joshua continues to scream that Amanda's a fucking bitch, and then gestures like he's about to smack her, but only hits the water instead.  This is the first time the viewers get to see the patented "Joshua Woman Fight", where Joshua verbally and nearly physically attacks women, screaming horrible, hateful things at them, and calling it fun.  If you noticed, I only said women, not men.  Why?  I'll get to that later on.

Also, Joshua wasn't involved in this fight, he chose to involve himself.  If you're curious, the number of fights he was already in when he started screaming threats and insults at women?  A whopping zero!

Joshua climbs out of the hot tub, snarling like the barely house trained animal he is, and runs off in a huff of self-righteous indignation.  In the DR, Joshua brags about how he's turned the whole house against Amanda.  No, if anyone was angry at Amanda, they now feel sorry since you and Chelsia double teamed her you prick.

Alex now yells that James and Chelsia ("are one!" Matt chirps), and if you say something about one, you say it about the other.  Not really.  You people can't really think the partners twist is going to last the whole game, right?  You know what, don't answer that.

Joshua then comes out, deciding he's not been a big enough asshole, screaming Amanda is a fucking saint and deserves a halo.  Chelsia then says something that even to this day disgusts me, and reminds me why I probably wouldn't slow my car if I saw her crossing the street.

"Or a noose."  Yes, yes really, Chelsia is making fun of the suicide of Amanda's father.  Their are some moments in reality TV where I've felt uncomfortable.  The Ted-Ghandia incident of Survivor Thailand.  The witch-hunt of Stacie in Apprentice 2.  Times when we've seen the absolute worst, most foul moments of behavior from people.  This is one of them.

Joshua pipes up that it would be "just like her father".  Fuck you too!  To use the suicide of a parent against someone is morally reprehensible.  Amanda is incredibly broken up about her father's death, and rather clearly still blames herself, and to bring that up as a tool in an argument!?  Because your mad Amanda gossips?  GO TO HELL YOU FUCKING BASTARDS.  Suicide is the worst, most painful fucking thing people have to deal with, you don't make fun of it you goddamn cunt.

Even the rest of the house sees this as a low blow, but thankfully Joshua and Chelsia don't bring it up again.  Wait, no that's not what happens.  All though it didn't make it into the live show, Joshua and Chelsia made comments like that all week long, and behind Amanda's back.  The crown jewel being Chelsia stating if Amanda does well in the next HOH competition, she'd use her key-chain as a noose and make a hanging motion to throw her off.  Chelsia, with all the dignity, grace, and class of a pedophile crack whore.

Amanda starts screaming, but is crying at the same time.  Joshua stands there, takes it like a man, and apologizes runs off into the house like the coward he is.  What's the matter you faggot, the crying girl not so fun?  Fuck you and die.  Chelsia stands out there, and rolls her eyes at Amanda crying.  You know, I think their was a mix up, and Joshua and Chelsia were supposed to be partners.

I may say (and will continue to say) a lot of mean things about Amanda, but this is just sickening.  For them to bring up something that painful and find it funny or clever...their are no words, honestly.  Amanda runs off sobbing, Chelsia just looks bored by all of this.  Keep it classy Chelsia.  Allison has to go comfort Amanda, and in the DR makes it clear she's sickened by all of this also.  Parker and Sharon also comfort her while she's in the bathroom, Sharon stating that Amanda needs to ride this out and when Joshua and Chelsia get what they want, they'll quit.  They want Amanda evicted moron.  Jen is there also, but barely paying attention to Amanda, more focused on her hair.  These people honestly are shallow enough to drown in a Dixie cup.

Parker stays with her, since he's her partner.  Well no he isn't, but or actual partner couldn't be bothered to leave the back yard.  Amanda asks if she's horse faced and ugly.  Since she's had a long night, I'll let that one go.

You know how you can tell an episode sucks?  All of that stuff I bitched about happened in the first ten minutes!  We've got thirty more to go!!!

The Chen-bot greets us again, because when you need an episode to be exciting and not nauseating, you go to Julie Chen.  She reminds us real life couple Jen and Ryan (Jen and Ryan are dating!?  Wow, I totally missed the five hundred times everyone has said it in five episodes!) are about to be torn apart, and alludes to them already being on the rocks.  Why would they be?  Our next scene will answer that question.

We cut to Jen inside the kitchen/DR, yammering about how the odds are against her.  Well yeah, but you did that too yourself you pinhead.  She say's she'll do whatever it takes to stay, from death threats to selling Parker into sexual slavery.  Jen wanders over to Sheila who is also in the kitchen, and starts talking before Sheila can tell Jen to buy her book.

"I feel I deserve to be here more then Ryan does."  Why is that Jen?  "Ryan is also a racist."

...
.....
.......
.........I got nothing.  I mean, wow.  Ryan, who is (to quote Reality News Online) "the nice guy in a house full of slime", is being accused of racism.  And why?  Because Jen doesn't want to be voted out of a game.  Jen is looking at two choices, her boyfriend of nine months who loves her, or a one in twelve shot at a half a million bucks.  The answer should be obvious, yet her answer is "Money is the greatest thing ever!  I can buy a new Ryan!"

Ryan, dump Jen.  You could find someone much better.  You could go to the Free Clinic and find someone with stricter morals and less of a desire to wound people for immediate reward.  Yeah, I mean immediate, even if Ryan and Allison went, Jen would most likely buy herself a week, and then be out the door.

Anyway, Jen yaps about how she shouldn't be saying bad things about Ryan, and since she couldn't think of any bad enough she made them up!  Sheila continues to speak out her rear as she says the usual crap about it being what it is, and that Ryan is just like that, blah blah blah.  Jen, you think that Allison and Sheila are lesbian lovers.  What chance do you have in getting Sheila to vote Allison out?  How do you manege to get your shirt over your plastic boobs without fucking it up?

Seeing as Sheila is every bit the gossip Amanda is, but with the luxury of not having people care about her, she decides to immediately tell everyone who will listen, or who is trapped and can't run away screaming when she opens her mouth.  Sheila first pounces on Sharon in the shower.  Very smart Sheila, Sharon is a modest girl, she's not likely to run from the shower nude, and if she tired, she's still wet and might slip while trying to run.  Plus Sharon hasn't known you as long as the others, and hasn't realized your mouth is a black hole of stupid!  Sharon might actually believe you have something relevant to say!

Wait, false alarm.  We suddenly cut to Jen and Natalie in the bathroom with Allison, no Sharon, and Sheila sitting on a chair in there reading a book.  ...Kay, so that was just an excuse to show a nude Sharon in the shower?

Good call.

Jen states she dated one black guy in her entire life.  Yeah, Parker.  CBS held a gun to your head.  Everyone in the house knows it, it's not news Jen.  She then claims that this makes Ryan sick, specifically because she dated a black man.  Huh, I wasn't aware racists considered anyone who once dated someone of a different race to be damaged goods.  Then again we all know Jen is damaged goods, or rather, a complete bitch.

Jen gives her "Ryan is a racist Klan member" spiel, with Sheila piping in every so often because God knows every conversation is Sheila's business.  Jen further cements her place in the universe as someone to stupid to drink a glass of water without drowning, by going into her racist Ryan tirade, while his partner is standing beside her!

She's using the same mirror as you!  You're talking shit about her partner and trying to get her evicted, with her right there!  Jen, you can't honestly be that stupid, right?

Yes, yes she is.  Allison immediately does the smart thing and tells her partner, reminding me why I actually like Allison.  Even better, she's telling Matt, Josuah, and Sheila all this also.  Not only will this spark fights between Jen and Ryan, Jen's "racist" comment will most likely do the exact opposite of what she wanted.  Jen if you are so greedy you'd throw your boyfriend of nine months in the trash for a pile of bucks, then why the hell would people keep you?  Why would anyone align with you?  My God you're pathetic.

Sheila and Allison tell Ryan, who reacts like a sane person should, with confusion.  Confusion morphs into anger, as Sheila asks "Why do you think she said that?"  Gee, why would the girl who is up for eviction tell everyone the guy who is up against her for eviction, is a racist?  Hmm, ya got me!

Ryan says he wont get in Jen's face, before immediately storming out of the room to get in Jen's face.  It wouldn't be Season 9 without people contradicting themselves seconds after they say something.  He confronts Jen who is in the living room with Natalie.  I must assume she's telling Natalie about how Ryan is a drug using Satan worshiper who fucks goats.

Ryan snarls that he wants to talk, and Jen (poorly) pretends she has no idea what he wants.  We cut to the backyard with Ryan and Adam, with Jen coming out and still protesting innocence.  As Ryan starts to get worked up, Jen says that she's never done anything behind his back, and that their relationship means everything to her.  If by nothing, you mean called him a racist, I agree.

Jen continues to lie and protest, and why?  At this point, it would actually be better if she admitted it.  With every lie and denial, she's digging herself a bigger grave.  Jen snaps that nothing "whoever said" is true, while Ryan states that this person has no reason to lie.  Jen figures out instantly who said something to Ryan.

"It was Sheila!"

Yeah, Sheila, and not Allison who was literally three feet away and was his goddamn partner!  Jesus Jen sucks.  Jen continues to play innocent, even after she lets it drop she knows it was a racist thing.  Now it's completely obvious to both Ryan and Adam that Jen is a bad liar, and saying shit behind Ryan's back.  Jen should come clean, that's what a sane person would do.

If you're Jen though, you not only defend your comments, you try to convince your boyfriend that he is a racist!  Bravo Jen, bravo.  Yeah, Jen flat out tells Ryan he has a race issue, and blathers on for a while about it, Ryan just standing there looking sick.  Finally the conversation comes to an end, and Adam offers them both some good deals on marijuana. 

Ryan actually has to go and defend himself to Parker in the Cabin Room, even though Parker doesn't believe Jen's crap.  Honestly Jen, it's one thing to ruin your own reputation, but to drag your BOYFRIEND'S reputation through the mud so you wont loose a game?  That's deplorable.  Allison and Sheila who are also there, planning their fake lesbian honeymoon, tell Ryan they believe him and he leaves.

Literally the second the door closes, Jen storms in, screeching about how she didn't call Ryan a racist.  Bullshit, I've got it on tape!  Are you honestly so fucking stupid that you didn't notice the fifty plus cameras in the house recording your every move Jen?  Jen states that she just said Ryan had race issues, before BB helpfully shows us a clip of Jen flat out calling him a racist.  God this is so trashy it's actually fun.  Then again, any time Jen looks like the bitch she is, that's fun.

Jen starts fake crying, without her eyes getting moist, about how the others are trying to break them up (no Jen, you're trying to break the two of you up), and she keeps denying she made those comments.  The problem is, she's denying them to Sheila, the person she told them too! 

Jen actually starts to scream that she didn't say Ryan is a racist, Sheila did.  Jen, shut up.  You're doing more harm then...well you're just doing a lot of harm.  Sheila for once adds something intelligent (yeah I know, I was shocked also), when she points out that Ryan is her boyfriend, so why would Jen say shit like that?  

Thankfully Jen has an answer, and that answer is: Babble like a loon, and try to yell louder then Sheila.  Ryan walks in, and now Jen is defending Ryan's views on race.  Wow, I swear I could actually hear a loud 'clunk' when Jen started to back-peddle.  Now all three girls are yelling, and Ryan correctly points out Jen's comments will effect his actual life.  Jen actually blames Allison for causing her and Ryan to fight.  People, I couldn't make this up if I tried.  

In the DR, Allison calls Jen a born liar, and thinks she gets off on it.  I think she's right.  Jen keeps screaming, yelling that this has nothing to do with Allison.  In the DR, she calls the most important thing in her life her relationship with Ryan.  But if she wins a half a million dollars, she can buy a new most important thing.  Ryan is so annoyed, he acts like he's about to quit just to get away from Jen!  I hear you man.

Jen finally manages to calm him down by claiming she didn't call him racist (yes you did), just that she said "you have a problem with interracial relationships".  Yeah, that's much better.  Their argument ends with Jen saying she loves him, like the emotionally manipulative pariah that she is.

Now we're back with the Chen-bot, and it's time to check in on the house guests.  They're extremely happy, presumably because Jen will soon be gone.  That would make me ecstatic.  The Chen-bot and the various house guests engage in some really painful and dull banter, none of which I will post here to spare you.  The only bit of note is Jen claiming she went on the block for Ryan.  Bullshit, you went on the block WITH Ryan, and then tried to convince everyone he was a racist!  That's totally the same thing as going on the block for him in Jen's warped mind.

Before we vote, we get a trade mark of seasons 2-9, Pointless Diary Room Sessions Before They Vote!  Specifically, it's people talking about the positives and negatives of keeping each of the nominated couples before they vote one off.  

Matt and Natalie can't even think of any reason to keep Ryan and Allison, but claim they should be evicted since they've been "playing this game since we were sipping champagne the first night".  Yeah, that makes them smarter then...well, you.  Chelsia and James blah-blah about Allison and Ryan "having our backs" (oh you poor stupid hooker).  Jen and Parker should go for being bad bunk mates according to the two, because Parker turns the light on, which pisses Chelsia up!  Yeah, that's totally rude.  It's much more polite to have sex in a room full of other people like you two.

We now get to another staple of Big Brother Live Evictions, something that, no matter how much I beg God, won't go away.  The Julie Chen Interviews The HOH segment.  This week it's Alex and Amanda's turn to be dissected on national TV.  The "couple" who loathe each other are told to say whatever is on their minds.  Chen-bot, you're implying that Alex and Amanda have minds, and the jury is still out on that one.

Amanda is asked about the fight she had, and she states she's forgiven the rest of the house, though I have no idea why.  They haven't forgiven you, made it super personal, and are clearly targeting the two of you.  Don't forgive them you moron!  The only thing worse would be trying something stupid, like aligning with Joshua.

The Chen-bot then tries to get an emotional moment out of these two, which is kind of like trying to dig for diamonds in a sandbox.  She asks, since Alex and Amanda both lost their fathers, how does Alex draw strength from his dad.  Alex looks like he's about to cry, or has mild constipation.  Seriously, what emotion is he expressing here?  Anyway, Alex gives the usual crap answer about drawing strength always from his dad, blah blah blah.  Amanda is asked if she regrets sharing the info about her dad with everyone, which she doesn't.  Much like she doesn't regret Chelsia and Joshua attacking her with it on national TV.  No regrets!  The Chen-bot asks if they'll work as a team, nice biting questions Julie.  They of course say they can do it (bullshit).

Now it should be time to vote, but first we have more filler to pad out the episode have to hear more diary room sessions.  Joshua and Sharon don't trust Jen and Parker, Sharon being pissed about them being "cocky", which is code for her being mad that those two evicted her and Stupid Man!  Adam and Sheila want Ryan and Allison to go.  No wait, Adam and Sheila want Ryan and Allison to stay.  See what I mean when I say these segments contribute nothing.  All they are, are people saying something and contradicting themselves seconds later.

We go to commercial and we return with the Chen-bot giving us the great, err, grave news.  The votes are in, and one of the two couples will be leaving.  She talks to the house guests, and announces before she reveals the results, she'll let the two couples have one final plea to get people to change their votes!  Even though they already voted!  Someone get a doctor, the stupid in this house is contagious and the Chen-bot caught it.

Frankly, this episode is going waaay to fucking long, so I'll wrap this shit up.  Jen and Parker are evicted by a vote of 3-1, which stuns me.  I expected it to be unanimous.  Jen cries and kisses Ryan, Parker just kind of stumbles around like he barely knows what's going on, or he's too high to care.  Adam must have hooked him up with some good shit.

The two walk out to the cheers of a live audience...wait, that's season 10.  They walk out like losers to the silence they deserve, and sit down for an interview with Julie who is ten feet away.  None of the questions matter, and to be honest, it just sucks life out of this lifeless episode.

The Chen-bot does her stupid interview, and then it's time for the next Head Of Household competition.  She once again explains just what the HOH is, for the viewers with short term memory loss.  The competition is a majority rules style, with all couples except the outgoing HOH competing 

The competition is called Big Brother Democracy, with  the Chen-bot asking six questions, and the couples having to answer them at that moment.  Those who answer in the majority get a point, those who don't get dick.  Which couple has the most points wins, it's fairly standard stuff.

Question 1: Would the house rather give up hot food or hot water for seventy two hours.  Well hot food would be the more logical choice, which is why James and Chelsia, Sheila and Adam, and Joshua and Sharon all chose hot water.  Oh, and the Chen-bot announces that whatever they pick will actually happen!  Bravo, have fun getting clean or jerking off in your ice cold showers.

Question 2: What would the majority of the house rather see the women wear for the next twenty-four hours, a bathing suite or their soul-mates favorite outfit?  With this house, those two are one in the same.  They all answer A.  All the women wear bathing suites non-stop anyways, so that's nothing special.

Question 3: Would the house rather give up utensils or drinking glasses for a week?  Okay guys, you can eat food with your hands.  You can drink soup out of a bowl.  If you give up utensils, you  make a minor change.  If you give up drinking glasses, you'll have to spend a week drinking everything from bowls!  Everything, including hot drinks like coffee!  Do you want coffee up the nose!?  Oh dear God, Allison and Ryan, James and Chelsia, and Joshua and Sharon all chose cups.  You know, I've joked these people are too stupid to drink a glass of water without drowning, but I must revise that statement.  They're too stupid to drink a bowl of water without drowning.

Question 4: Would the house rather have a margarita party or an outdoor grill?  Since they don't have glasses, they can't exactly have a margarita party.  That's not stopping them though!  They all chose to have a party involving drinking large amounts of booze, without any cups.  What the hell could I possibly add to this?  Well, I can add my thoughts on their choices thus far, in one clear statement.

How the hell do you fail this badly!?  How!?  How do you fuck up picking between forks and cups!?  If you don't have cups, why in the blue fuck nugget would you have a margarita party?  Goddamn it these people are stupid.  Jesus Christ, even Julie Chen decides to quit being a robot for a minute to point out they lack cups.  If a woman who is so emotionless and asks such stupid scripted questions, that she has been given the nickname Chen-bot because of them, can point out the stupidity of your choices, something is wrong here.

Question 5: For the next week, would you rather have the men serve breakfast in bed, or the women cook dinner.  Since the women cook dinner already anyways, it would make sense for them to chose breakfast in bed.  Nope, Chelsia and James, Matt and Natalie, and Allison and Ryan want the women to cook dinner.  Incidentally, they cut to Alex briefly during this challenge, and we can see him wincing every time they make a stupid decision.  Dude, I feel your pain.

Question 6:  Last question (thank God), would the house rather give up exercise equipment or the washing machine for two weeks.  Since they lack hot water, they're all going to stink up the house, so they should give up the exercise equipment.  At least have clean clothes, might make you all a bit cleaner.  Plus you can survive without the work out equipment for two weeks, I doubt all of you own two weeks worth of clothing.  You'll have to wash all your stuff in the sink in cold water!  Don't pick the washing machine!  For fucks sake you morons don't pick the washing machine!  Nope, all but Matt and Natalie get rid of the washing machine.  Oh sweet Lord that house is going to stink.

With that James and Chelsia get all six correct, are the only couple to do so, and become the new Heads of Household!  Yes, they get to reign over a house that smells like ass, lacks hot water, cups, and a washing machine, but will at least have a margarita party.

I'm going to keep up my prayers that this season ends with the President ordering an aerial strike on the BB house, presumably after the cloud of stink emanating from it becomes self-aware.  Or because he just wants the world to be a less shallow place, and that's the best way to do it.

Reasons For Jen's Loss: Jen lost because she was cocky, a bad liar, and chose to expose her secret relationship way to early.

Reasons For Parker's Loss: Same as Jen, plus his inability to pick an alliancemate who would use the veto on him.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?