Big Brother 9 - Episode 1

As with every season, the premier begins with a tour of the new, rustic Big Brother house.  The house looks like a log cabin, with love qoutes carved into wooden boards that are hung on various walls.  Some rooms have a sail-boat motif, the HOH room has a beach motif, and I know you don't care about any of this but if I talk about it, I can put off talking about the cast.

Alright, since I'm going to be talking about the rooms in the house by name, might as well include the pictures.

Living Room/Red Bed Room

A half bedroom with no privacy, connected to a small part of the living room, no bed, but two sleeper sofas, still better then a sleeping bag or a cement slab.

Boat Room

The largest of the bed rooms, it's got a boat theme, and is suspected of being cursed.

Cabin Room

This room doesn't actually have a name, but it most fits with the log cabin theme of the house, hence why I named it the Cabin Room.

Living Room/Eviction Couches

The Living Room, the orange section of the couch is where anyone nominated for eviction has to sit.  All evictions occur in here, so expect to see it a lot.

Dining Room

The room where meals and evictions occur.  Note the log wall, meant to both evoke the feeling of being in a log cabin, and of CBS beating you over the head with its stupid twists.

Sana Room

A spa room, dubbed the "Sauna Room" by these idiots.  Ironically, the only thing you can't see in this picture is the sauna booth that is just out of frame.

Bathroom

The Bathroom, no I have no idea why their is a couch in here.  It's the only public bathroom that sixteen people have to share.  This does not deter some people from having sex in it though.

Memory Wall

The wall that stores the keys, pictures, and veto of all the idiots still in this game.  When you're in the game, you have a color picture, when you're out, you have a black and white picture.

Diary Room

The room where these vipers can drop all pretense of being decent human beings and be the wastes of skin we know they all are.  Expect a lot of venom being spilled in here.

Guinea Pig Cage

The home of the most likable contestants this season.

Second Floor

The second floor, containing only the HOH room and the second living room

Second Living Room

More like a Living Nook, it's got a couch that actually manages to look less comfortable then the one downstairs.

HOH Bedroom 

Jeez this is one ugly looking room.  The special room you get when you win HOH, should you want it.  Has a bathroom and a locking door.

Backyard

The backyard, with a pool that you can't see, a hot tub, chairs, a pool table, and work out equipment.  By the first week, they'd already had a drunken orgy in the pool.  I'm dead serious.

I'll comment more on the house as time goes on, but like the cast, it looks really stupid.  I suppose that it's time to talk about the cast then...

After we're reminded that the Big Brother house is "a house like no other" (nah, really?), we're introduced to the sixteen new house guests.  As most seasons have thirteen house guests, Season 9 has the largest cast of any season before or since.  You'd think one of them could be interesting, but nope!

Anyways, our cast of morons are(in no particular order):

Chelsia, a twenty-one year old from Iowa, suppoesedly a college student.  If this girl was admitted into a college, then those who accepted her were high when they got her application, because Chelsia is as dumb as a sack of roofing sealant.  I think she might be a hooker, I never got any confirmation one way or the other, so I'll just assume she is.  Anyway, Chelsia has no personality, no charm, several STDs, and anytime I saw her I just wanted her to go back to working her corner and too stop being on my TV.



James, a professional hobo and star of the gay porn circuit, who is bicycling around the world on $100 dollars.  Why?  To show, in his own words, "that we still care about each other.".  Yeah, I don't get it either.  I wonder if you show people you care about them by walking around nude and dumping pickle juice onto the heads of crazy strippers.  Anyway, people claim James is really good at playing Big Brother (he isn't), was the best player of the season (he wasn't), and was a nice guy who was screwed over (No, Alex was screwed over, James is an asshole).


Matt, a loser and roofing foreman.  Matt spent half the game thinking with his penis, having Natalie fawn over him for some reason, and being considered a big threat by the house.  I personally doubt these people know what a threat is because Matt was an annoying moron with the personality of a chunk of plaster.  He spent half the Summer Winter acting like a Jersey Shore reject, claiming "muckeling" was a word, and speaking with an accent that Boston Rob would have called thick.  Matt contributed sleaze and B.O. to the house, nothing more.

Natalie, also known as Nutjob Nattie and Natalie The Lactating Stripper.  Natalie is a "bikini barista", which means she serves coffee in her bikini.  As a career, it's about one step above her previous career of being a stripper.  Natalie is the resident loon of the season, known for painting mermaids with nail polish, giving Matt blow-jobs (before denying she gave them), being super religious (despite having two abortions), and having visions sent to her from God.  For most viewers, the desire to commit suicide while watching this season came from Natalie.




Jacob, who by day is a normal electrician who sounds like a retarded Michael Jackson, but by night morphs into his alternate identity, Stupid Man!  Stupid Man, able to get himself evicted despite being in no danger at all!  Jacob believes the righteous shall triumph, and like all righteous, cheated on his girl friend of twelve years and caused her to break up with him.  Then when he and his ex were in the house together, he morphed back into Stupid Man and was unable to see just why his ex was upset to see him.  What a guy.  Stupid Man then proceeded to bad mouth one of the two people who could send him home.  The fact that Jacob can put on a t-shirt without strangling himself astounds me.

Sharon, Jacob's ex-girl friend.  Sharon is special in this game, in a house full of boring people, she takes the cake as the dullest of all of them.  She could rival Hayden from Season 12 as the dullest contestant of all time.  Given that this means she is duller then Angie (from S10), and Ryan (from this season), this is impressive.    Sharon was known for taking care of the guinea pigs, yammering about how Jacob broke up with her, and then revealing she cheated on him first (righteous!).  Sharon made it far in the game due to being a sack of nothing and due to Neil, who we will cover later.  Sharon's voice sounded like she had a stuffed up nose, and I honestly forgot she was there at some points.

Parker, a paparazzo with no personality and hair like a dead house plant.  Parker was Jen's partner, which meant that he was doomed from the get-go.  Anything that came in contact with Jen was poisoned, doomed to never win the game.  Parker leaving was no big loss since he did little other then roll his eyes and say things that made it clear he was an asshole.  In addition, some of his stupid ideas came back to bite him in the ass.  Parker was the victim of stupid twists, the second victim of stupid twists, and he would not be the last this season.


Jen, a bartender and secret girlfriend of Ryan.  Jen is a Big Brother fan super fan fanatic, who seemed at times obsessed with staying in the house.  Her desire to get on Big Brother made her so nasty that it nearly destroyed her relationship with Ryan, but thankfully it didn't.  Jen telling everyone Ryan was a racist in order to stay in the house would have done that.  Jen was a nasty, skanky harpy who spent her short stay in the house being a bitch and making others hate her.  She is almost the stupidest contestant in the house, due to her decision to tell everyone about her and Ryan's secret relationship.  Even without telling them, Jen would have been evicted early due to being obnoxious.

Ryan, Jen's love slave and a twenty-seven year old college student.  Ryan is probably the best player in the house (not that that's saying much), being strategic, good at challenges, and friendly when sober.  The problem is he is dull, to the point I started to wonder if he left his personality in Ohio.  Ryan was one of the few people who was willing to lie without talking about how important honesty is (coughJamescough), but who couldn't overcome the biggest obstacle in this house, the obstacle that stopped him from winning.  He couldn't overcome just how fucking stupid his fellow house guests were.

Allison, a pharmaceutical rep. because every house needs one.  Allison was a moron who claimed that she was a professional gambler, and her skills as one would allow her to win Big Brother.  Given that Allison was a recovering gambling addict, I question the strength of her skills.  Allison was disliked by most of the house and by the LGBT community for a really stupid lie.  I was almost sorry for her when she was evicted, but not really.  Allison was responsible for her own eviction, and loosing her was no great loss.



Alex, a DJ company owner, and winner of the Most Royally Screwed By A Stupid Twist award.  Alex was not treated well in this game and deserved another chance.  He was one of the decent people in this house of scum, which is why he was gone early I suppose.  Alex had little personality, but he was willing to insult Amanda, which made him awesome to me.  Other then that, Alex was known for his faux-hawk and his 9/11 wrist band.



Amanda, a paralegal and pain in the ass, Amanda is annoying in way's that only exist scientifically.  Amanda has a voice like a helium sucking chipmunk, and repeatedly said "bueno" like a retarded parrot.  Amanda is a gossip, something that causes one of the biggest screaming matches in the house, which is her own fault.  When you tell her something it goes in her ear and comes shooting out her mouth, spraying a mist of gossip and spit.  Her father committed suicide before the show, something Joshua and Chelsia attacked her about (classy).  Amanda had little in the way of personality, had a voice that made dogs shriek in pain, and was not missed.


Joshua, a media buyer and one of the token gay's of the season.  Joshua is a monster, known for screaming insults and intentionally attacking women for his own amusement.  He got into loud, screaming fights with Amanda, Allison,  Shelia, and Natalie that we know of, and said nasty things about Sharon behind her back.  He made fun of Amanda's father's suicide, and threatened to beat Shelia up and rip her hair out.  Big Brother repeatedly gave him restraining orders, not allowing him within five feet of his latest victim.  If you just watched the show, most of Joshua's nasty behavior was left out, but even then several things (like screaming at Allison for no reason) were still left on.

Neil, a Realtor and the other token gay of the season.  Neil is the most memorable and awesome house guest ever!!!!  Despite what some people might think, he is totally not a plant put in by Allison Gordner who would leave the show after six days so they could bring back someone who had already been evicted.  No, Neil was real and he contributed so much!  Plus, he looked like a gay Carlos from Power Rangers.





Adam, a drug dealer, an event planer for retards, a drug dealer for retards.  Adam was obnoxious, loud, and looked like he had just been hit by lightning.  While he didn't try to pick fights, Adam never tried to stop them and often escalated them.  Adam was almost evicted, but was saved by the actions of Stupid Man.  Those who watched the show on TV didn't see Adam grow close or friendly with anyone aside from Shelia, Ryan, and Matt, which makes it all the more surprising how his game ended.  Adam didn't really play the game, his biggest moves being winning HOH and aligning with Ryan.  After the game ended, Adam entered the high profile world of dealing drugs and is currently serving three years in jail.

Shelia, a single mother who is 45-46.  She's  a single mother, with no husband.  She's over thirty.  Did I mention she's not married and has a child?  Well don't worry, if I forgot to mention it, Shelia didn't.  Shelia was a foul mouthed beast of a woman who never shut up, harping about how she was a single mother, crying over the stupidest things, and promoting her book (that has never been written) on the live feeds.  Shelia was a former Penthouse playmate, and is the oldest contestant of the season.  She never seemed to be playing the game, or enjoying herself.   Shelia in fact came on Big Brother for one reason, too promote her book, and ironically, all mention of her book was cut from the broadcast show.  Take that you dumb broad.

Anyway those are, God help us, the sixteen contestants of Big Brother 9, in all their bland glory.  Since this is the premier episode, we get to see each of them receiving their key in a stupid way.  Jen is handed hers at a bar, Shelia finds hers under a skate-board, etc.  My favorite is James, who is living on a tent on the side of a road, and acts stunned when he get's his key, despite the camera man being a foot away.

Since this is Big Brother, when a house guest get's a key, they have to give us a quote that makes no sense.

Alex: I'm going to spin this game to my advantage. (That was terrible.)
Shelia: You've never seen a mom like me before. (Sluty?)
Natalie: I love bikini's, coffee, and God! (You're going to be a ton of fun aren't you?)
Jacob: Only the righteous will prevail. (Which is why you're the first one gone.)
Chelsia: You can call me trouble. (I call you a walking case of herpes.)
Parker: No secret is safe from me. (Nor is any secret kept by you.)
Amanda: This high-maintenance girl is used to getting what she wants.  (You must want to be punched in the face, because that's what I'd give you.)
Jen: I know how to handle a rough crowd. (Having sex with them is not handling them.)
James: I may be homeless, but I'm going to run the Big Brother house.  (Don't start playing the stock market James.)
Neil: I know how to close a deal.  (Yes, but you're much better at vanishing without a trace.)
Joshua: No one can resist my Southern charm.  (Don't call yourself Southern, I'm Southern, I don't want to be associated with you!)
Ryan: I'm going all in.  (Said every bit as lifeless as you would expect.)
Sharon: This military brat will never surrender.  (Nor will she be interesting.)
Allison: My game play will be a work of art.  (In much the same way piss-Christ is a work of art.)
Matt: No one can over power me.  (Except a crazy, lactating stripper.)
Adam: I'm going to strike down the competition!  (Before the government strikes me down!)

We hear people talk about searching for that one, spout off random crap about love, and talk about relationships because this is CBS's "subtle" way of establishing the theme of the season.  Each one spouts off a really stupid and forced quote, and we get to watch James ride off on his bike.  If only he had rode in front of a truck, so many problems with this season would have been solved.

Our mechanized host, the terrible robotic possibly human Julie Chen is there to let the first group of house guests in.  They go in in two groups, the seven women first, then the nine men.  Before she sends them in though, Julie Chen reveals the first stupid twist of the season.  Wait, did I say stupid twist?  That implies some twists won't be stupid!  No, all twists this season suck and serve to piss off the viewer.

As the Chen-bot reveals, each of the sixteen will be paired up with someone who could be their soul mate.  I don't believe that because it implies these people have souls, and I honestly doubt they do.  The house guests will be paired up for competitions, nominations, and evictions, doing everything in pairs.  If you just said "Wow, that's really stupid!" congratulations.  You are smarter then CBS.

The Chen-bot brings out the first seven women, who are not allowed to speak until they enter the house.  As they come out, you can see Natalie's boobs look like melon halves rather then boobs.  You can also see Chelsia is wearing the same clothes she does when working her corner.  Her pimp must be so proud.

The women are sent in in two groups, something I don't get because they can't take beds yet.  Jen points out the love quotes, and it's at this point that any sane viewer would abandon ship.  Big Brother is a competitive game show, not a dating show.  You can't be both as we are about to see.

I'd argue it's having
to watch this show

Something else frightening is that Chelsia of all people is the first too notice their are no men.  They also confirm they are all single.  With the love quotes and all of them being single, an intelligent group might figure out just what is happening.  This is Big Brother 9 though, intelligence is no where to be found.

The Chen-bot decides to tell the audience the next stupid twist, that Sharon's ex-boyfriend Jacob will be playing with her.  When I heard this, I thought about it, then came up with this calm response.

WHY!?  Why the fuck would you remind anyone about Big Brother 4!?  Does anyone honestly want to remember the X-Factor!?  Does anyone want to remember the season that used to be the worst!?  How the fuck does that effect this season other then remind us we could watch BB4 instead!?

She also tells the audience Jen and Ryan are in a secret relationship.  Guesses on how long it remains secret.  Here's a hint, not long.

The nine men are brought out, and again sent in in two groups.   The Chen-bot asks them if their time in the house will be "a dream come true, or a nightmare?".  I think I know the answer.

We see the first group enter, and since Ryan is in it, we get to hear Jen and Ryan meet for the second-first time.  Jen does a really bad job of covering up that she and Ryan know each other, getting earsplitting loud when talking to him.  She then tells us, rather smugly, in the Diary Room that the whole thing with Ryan was bizarre and the two played it cool.  As cool as a burning building.  Parker talks about how cute Jen is (oh how funny), and Natalie gives us her first Diary Room session, which comes with weird head gestures and no blinking.

Jen follows Ryan and keeps asking his name, to try and fool people into thinking the two don't know each other.  Yeah, because when you don't want people to know the two of you are a couple, spend a lot of time fixated on each other, tell me how that works.  Thankfully this group is as bright as a boiled squash, so they don't notice the fucking obvious relationship staring them in the face!

Shut the fuck up Amanda!

The final group enters, and since this group includes Jacob and his ugly ass yellow and brown-striped shirt.  Sharon notices him right away, which isn't surprising since that shirt could be seen from space.  Jacob chooses not to talk to Sharon instead walking away "to get his mind right." (What mind?)  Anyway, Sharon scowls, and Amanda notices and starts doing what she's known for.  Pestering people until they tell her what she wants.  Sharon say's she'll tell Amanda later, but Amanda misses this rather subtle hint to shut the fuck up, and keeps asking "your ex?  Is it your ex?".

We now get the next cliche of the premier, all of the cast sitting around, drinking and introducing themselves.  Jacob is single, James blathers about being homeless, Chelsia mentions she thinks James seems really cool and that she would blow him for $5.  Well not really, but it would have made this scene much more interesting.  Anyway, she manages to pick up on the small clues and figures out James is a free spirit.  As if the pink mohawk and the bicycling around the world couldn't tell you that.  I'll skip the rest of the introductions because they are really boring, and listening too them will take years off your life.

The Chen-bot decides to inform the house guests of the next stupid twist, and that they are being paired up with their "soul mate."

James is paired with Chelsia.
Matt with Natalie.
Joshua and Neil.
Ryan and Allison.
Parker and Jen.
Alex and Amanda.
Jacob and Sharon.  (WOW!  Totally didn't see that coming!)
Finally, and too the joy of both, Adam and Shelia are paired up.  Shelia decides to do what she will do for the next three months, bitch about how much Adam sucks and she deserved to be partnered with anyone.  Oh come on Shelia, you've been paired with an up and coming drug dealer!  Not all women can land a catch like that.  All couples have to share beds, except Ryan and Allison and Adam and Shelia, who have to share sleeping bags.  I personally wouldn't want to share a sleeping bag with Shelia, I'd be afraid the skank might jump off her and onto me.

Jacob and Sharon then start arguing, with Jacob saying it's his fault this didn't work out (so cheating on your girlfriend isn't "righteous"?).  Jacob continues to show just how stupid he is when he asks is Sharon is upset at being paired with him.  No Jacob, it's a girls dream to be paired with the guy she dated for twelve years, who cheated on her, and too have her fate intertwined with his.  Jacob even asks why Sharon is upset, and can't understand why she's irritated.  Moron.

Sheila's entire game
in one picture.

Well, since that fight is over it's time for more fighting from Sheila and Adam.  Adam calls Shelia "Ma" and claims she has no personality.  True, but you're not one to talk Adam.  Shelia suspects she may be shallow.  Trust your instincts Sheila.  She bitches about being called "Ma" and I must role my eyes and then scream "you are a mother!  Being called Ma is not the end of the world!"  Adam calls her crazy, which is totally not true!  The crazy one in this house is Natalie, duh.  Sheila is just the whiny  one, which we see when she starts to cry, claiming she wasn't going too, a promise she kept for about forty-five minutes.

The Chen-bot transitions us to our first competition.  The couples will be suspended in the air, each pair over a bed covered with pillows and romantic shit.  One of the pair is held by a harness, the other by the person in the harness.  The winner is the couple that doesn't let their member drop.  Usually, the winner would become Head of Household, and be in charge of nominating two couples for eviction.  This is Big Brother 9 though, so fuck what you think!

The winner of this challenge will become the Power Couple (creative naming CBS), and will be allowed to evict one couple of their choice.  No voting, no nomination, just immediate eviction of Adam and Sheila.  Unless someone does something really, really stupid.

Before we go any further, let me explain the rules.  Every week, one person (or couple) wins Head of Household.  As HOH, you nominate two people for eviction.  In the middle of the week, the HOH, the two nominees, and three people selected by random draw compete in the Power of Veto competition.  The Veto winner can remove one of the nominees from the chopping block and can NOT be nominated by the HOH.  The HOH would then nominate another person for eviction, and at the end of the week, the house guests aside from the HOH and nominees vote for one of the two people to be evicted.  Simple, straight foreword, and virtually ignored by CBS this season.

Jacob thinks his micro ex-girlfriend Sharon will be able to hold his giant ass, completely ignoring this little thing called gravity.  How do you manege to breathe without screwing it up Jacob?  Adam and Sheila manege to fight as they're being lifted into the air, with Adam calling Sheila's breath rancid.  Ryan sweats uncontrollably, like the dough-boy he is.

Sheila show's that determination she will become known for, by dropping out of Adam's arms after five minutes.  Why did she do this?  She didn't want to be near Adam.  Fair enough.

Joshua and Neil drop next, followed by Alex and Amanda.  Amanda states that she's just too muscular to be held up (no, you're a fat ass), and she starts to cry about this.  The Chen-bot chooses to remind us the Power Couple will get to evict one couple of their choice, in case we were nodding off and forgot.  She's probably not wrong to assume that.

Jacob and Sharon argue some in the harness, and finally Sharon drops, presumably to get away from the intelligence black-hole that is Jacob.  The Chen-bot reveals the next twist (yes, four twists in one episode), that with half the couples gone, the other four can attempt to grab the heart pillow on the bed bellow them.  If they do, and then become the Power Couple, they will win ten grand.  This is a really stupid thing to try and get, since you will become a huge target.  Naturally, no less then three of the four remaining couples try to grab the damn pillow.

James yammers about how ten thousand dollars would change his life.  Dude, aren't you trying to live off one hundred bucks a location?  Boy, sounds like you don't believe the crap you spout, doesn't it?

Jen grabs her pillow and pulls herself back up to Parker.  Allison also grabs hers, but looses it and falls out of Ryan's arms, eliminating them. Chelsia tries to go for it, but despite being a street hooker, she just isn't that flexible.  She does grab the pillow, but her attempts to pull herself back up James causes her to actually knock her own legs off, dropping her.  Wow, it's impressive when you would actually be more effective if you did nothing and were as stiff as a corpse. James, being the friendly guy he is, throws the pillow at Chelsia's face like a rock.

Jen and Parker and Matt and Natalie are now the only couples left.  Jen swears on the Bible Matt and Natalie are safe, and since Natalie believes God talks to her in her cereal, this is enough for her to drop.  Jen screams like the harpy she is, and Parker drops her.  Unfortunately, it's onto a bed.  Jen harps that Ryan is safe, Parker thinks Ryan would be a good target.  Adam and Shelia though are the most likely targets, since they don't shut the fuck up.

With that, the episode ends and the viewer realizes this is going to be a looooooong season.  Well, strap in, it's all down skank mountain from here.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?