Big Brother 9 - Episode 11

Previously on Big Brother: Pass The Cyanide, Asshole and Sharon won HOH and proceeded to walk around like king and queen of BB in a way that makes Jen and Parker's power trip seem restrained and subtle by comparison.  Asshole decided he wanted to eliminate the non-threat of Allison and Ryan over the major threat of Matt and Natalie for entirely personal reasons, while screaming like the drama queen he is.  Matt and Natalie were nominated, won the veto, and were replaced by Adam and Sheila, meaning either Adam and Sheila or Allison and Ryan will be leaving.  At the end of the last episode BB played a super annoying siren for the house guests, telling them the next time they heard that noise, it would signal a twist.  With any luck the twist will be that all these idiots are thrown out, and they bring in an interesting cast instead.

The Chen-bot welcomes us, wearing a bizarre combo of sweater and deployed air bag, before going into all the happenings in the house.  She yaps about Asshole going crazy because of Allison and Sheila, instead of the real reason (because he's a bad person), and all I can think is that the Chen-bot looks as bored as the viewer is with this group.  She mentions that the house guests assume both Allison and Ryan will be leaving, instead of assuming for even one second that the big twist is the end of the pairs.  Then again, they are all idiots so maybe it's not surprising they don't realize this.

Now we get a scene talking about the fall out from the siren and from Adam and Sheila's nomination.  Sheila whines in the DR about how much it sucks being on the block.  Really Sheila, everyone else had a grand ole' time on the block!  Sheila just whines a lot, and tells us that she came here to win, and that we can buy a copy of her book that doesn't exist and she only came into this house to promote!

You know what really drives me nuts about Sheila?  Or rather, what two (of many) things drive me the most nuts?  Sheila is here to promote a book, a book that does not exist!  It's one thing if you're promoting a book you wrote, but Sheila came to promote a book that could "theoretically one day be ghost written".  And no, in the intervening years since BB9, Sheila's book still hasn't been written because no ghost writer is so hard up for cash that they'd write a book about the "thrilling" life of fucking Sheila.  Second, the thing that drives me even more crazy is, not only is Sheila not here to win, Sheila can't admit this!  Sheila is here to promote a non-existent book!  She took a spot away from one person who would have fought tooth and nail to win on a season other than this!  Yet, Sheila refuses to admit it.  Why?  Sheila is a shit head.

Allison is thrilled to be up against Sheila, since either she or Sheila is going home, but either way it means Allison will never have to be in the same room as Sheila again.  Okay, now that is something worth celebrating  .  Matt crows like a retarded rooster, stating it's time for him and Natalie to rock the boat to start calling the shots.  Dear God this will hurt.  Matt states he's not sure which side he wants to go with (NotSheilaNotSheilaNotSheila), but whichever side he saves will owe him.  Dude, they both voted to save your control freak ass last week.  They don't owe you dick.

Now we get Sheila, Adam, James, and Matt in the back yard talking about that stupid alarm.  Watching these four try to think is like watching a monkey repeatedly stick a metal object into an electrical outlet.  They don't accomplish anything, and though they keep trying, they are really only hurting themselves when they do this.

James, who fan's of this season tell me is the smartest player of the season, believes the siren gives immunity to those on the block.  The smartest player of the season ladies and gentlemen!  Dumbass, you signed up to play this game for eighty days!  If you stay in pairs, how in the purple fuck can this game last eighty days!?  Use that dyed-pink brain of yours, it means that the duos are ending!  Also, if both pairs on the block got immunity, who the hell do they vote for?  They can't vote for the HOH, so it would be you and Chelsia or Matt and Natalie.  Your pink ass would be gone!

What I really find funny is that these idiots keep assuming the siren will go off at any second, instead of (far more likely) during the live show.  Why would CBS just throw a random twist in for no reason?  Is the season really that dull?  Are you all really that unlikable?  Wait, don't answer that.

Natalie and Asshole are also talking about the siren, outside of the HOH room.  Natalie is convinced the siren will go off tonight because God sent her a message in her toilet paper.  Natalie's eyes are bugging out to almost Adam proportions, and she thinks another couple will come back.  Dear God no!  We got rid of these jack-offs once, we do not need them coming back.  Natalie whines in the DR that a returning pair might be coming, specifically to wreck her and Matt's game, and that's not fair damn it!  Because everyone both in, and out of the house should be thinking about her and Matt nonstop.

We find Allison and Ryan out by the hot tub the next day, and Allison finally admits she's worried about their chances.  Nah, really?  To her credit, Allison is smart enough not to trust Matt, while Ryan does without a second thought.  If this were a single player game, their would be no problem with trusting Matt.  But it isn't single player, it's people playing a single player game in pairs.  This just highlights how fucking stupid the duo twist was.  Ryan goes to confirm that Matt will help him, and Matt gives him a very fake, profanity filled promise.

Matt states he is playing both sides and wants to have no enemies, failing to realize that if Chelsia and James vote the same way he does, then the vote will be unanimous and one side will know he's lying.  Since the siren will end the duo twist, this means whichever member of the pair that is nearly evicted ends up staying, will be pissed at Matt.

We watch him give the same profanity-laced promises to the other three idiots on the block.  Somehow, he manages to tell Sheila he wants her to stay without breaking up laughing.  I would have been.  Allison goes to work James and Chelsia, in the back yard hammock, for their vote.  It's here that Matt's stupid plan falls to pieces, as Allison casually mentions she has Matt's vote.  The problem is that the Toxic-Twins were told by Matt that he will be voting to save Adam.  This leads to a huge blow up between Matt, James, Allison, Chelsia, Adam, Sheila, and Ryan!  A blow up that only the live feed viewers saw, because CBS decided interesting TV had no business being on BB9.  No, what the viewers want are repetitive five minute scenes stretched to last forty minutes, that makes great TV!

We see James walking into the sauna room where Sheila is, and Sheila tells him she has Matt's vote.  The problem is that James conversation with Sheila came before his conversation with Allison, meaning CBS has not so much edited together footage as it has butchered footage with no reason, and duck-taped it together.

Now James goes out to talk to Matt, Ryan, Natalie and Adam.  His hair is freshly shaved now, despite not being earlier.  See what I mean by the editing in this show being crap?  It might just be the light in this scene (the back yard cameras are real shit), but I don't know.  Anyway, he asks them to come inside to talk.  Adam immediately tries to sell him drugs, Ryan devours an entire fridge of food, and Matt hits on everything with legs, since the three of them do not have enough brains between them to actually have a conversation.

Well no, but would that surprise you?  Instead, we see that much like Matt can only hit on people, James can only do one non-game thing also, play the morally superior card.  James starts yapping about how he doesn't appreciate how Matt is telling people how he's voting, promising both Adam and Ryan his votes, voice dripping with condescension as he talks.  Matt says something intelligent...let that sink in...by asking why James cares how Matt is voting.

Good question, what is your response James?

"I haven't told shit"

The best player of the season!  One, that response has nothing to do with your complaint against Matt.  Two, you still didn't answer the question!  Why has Matt doing this gotten your dick in a knot?  James accuses Matt about playing both couples.  Playing people?  In a game based on manipulation!?  Outrageous!  James, unless you want to give Matt the prize money for playing the damn game, stop trying to act like this is some big moral issue.

James defends his issues, claiming that by causing a fight he's not trying to create a fight...or something, I do not care.  Oh thank Christ, the Chen-bot interrupts this monotony.  I never thought I'd say this, but this episode is more alive because the Chen-bot is in it.  She states that later we'll find out what the oh so mysterious siren means, just in case some members of the audience are too stupid to figure out that the couples twist will be ending.  Given that they are willingly watching this show, that's a safe bet.  Then we'll hear from Natalie and Matt's families, because since Ryan and Allison are being evicted, it makes perfect sense to hear from Natalie and Matt's families.

But first!  We get to hear some pointless diary room segments from the two voting couples, trying desperately to make it a surprise when they unanimously evict Ryan and Allison.  Natalie yaps about Allison being negative, and she appears to be sweating as she talks, like she just finished some strenuous activity.  Matt yaps about something, while keeping his hand clenched over the crotch area of his sweat pants (nice to see you dressed up for this Matt).  I look up at Natalie's mouth, and down at Matt's boner, and I realize what strenuous activity was just taking place.

Chelsia yaps next about Sheila and Adam only being a threat to the viewer's sanity.  The two of them are not game threats, and Adam doesn't sell drugs on her corner, so they're not threats outside of the house either!  James calls her an idiot, and follows up with a double bitch-slap and karate chop to the stomach!  Well, he does call her an idiot.  Christ almighty this episode is boring.

Now it's time to check in on the house guests in the living room.  Boring!  The Chen-bot asks them about the siren, and James talks first.  He first guesses that it might mean they're going to play as "solo people" (what?), or that it might be a nuclear meltdown.  Only in my dreams.  James talks about how people were terrified that the house was cursed, and Natalie even wore tinfoil on her head to block evil government transmissions into her brain.  Then she found out about the siren and really went crazy!

Matt speaks next, but all I hear is "blah blah blah blah, I'm from Boston, muckeling.".   That's pretty much all their is to anything that comes out of Matt's mouth.  Did I mention this episode is boring?  This entire Q&A session exists for one reason, to pad out the episode and make it last 45 minutes.  And guess what?  It, much like Natalie, sucks!  Their is more padding in this episode, then episode!

Sweet damn, if you actually care, Matt thinks they're going to be moved to an identical Big Brother house to finish the season.  Number one, why bother?  Why not leave you in this one?  Number two, do you idiots honestly think you bring in big enough ratings to justify that much money spending?  Who do you think you are, Jeff and Jordan?

Since this episode still has a slight bit of life left, the Chen-bot turns to Sharon, asking her to kill any interest the viewer might have in these people.  Sharon delivers, when talking about being partnered with Asshole.   I honestly start to doze off during this, Sharon is so boring that the people in the living room all drop unconscious as she talks.  I suspect this is a common occurrence.

I'm skipping the rest of the questions, since they do not get any better and this episode feels like it's lasted fifteen years, rather then fifteen minutes.  Yes really.  I've ranted and raved this long, and we're only fifteen minutes in.  Be very afraid.

Alright, time for the family visits, my favorite part.  I get to skip what's actually happening and just make some (much more interesting) shit up instead.  Everyone wins!

First it's off to the South End of Boston, where we meet Matt's friends.  We meet Matt's two muscle bound, leather wearing room mates who I will call Chip and Dip.  They are asked to talk about Matt's soul mate and partner.

Chip: Well Matt and Alex, the two of them are just so perfect together.  Alex is supportive, he listens, he likes to share a hammock with Matt and without a shirt, and that's really what you want in a partner.
Dip: Plus, Alex compliment's Matt perfectly.  He has a brain, Matt doesn't.  Matt has a personality, Alex doesn't.  The two just mesh like that.
Interviewer: Uh, that's great and all, but Matt's partner is Natalie.
Chip & Dip: Whose Natalie?

Cell, Sweet Cell

Now it's off too the Beaver State.  We see Natalie's home, the Salem Hospital Psychiatric Medicine Center, and we meet her current doctor, Doctor Caramel.  Doctor Caramel warns us that Natalie is dangerously unstable, and should be sent back to the hospital immediately.  We watch the camera man hand Natalie's doctor a big wad of cash, and Doctor Caramel states Natalie is a perfectly sane girl, who was not broken out of a hospital by CBS and locked up in a house with complete strangers, just to drive them insane.

Next we hear from both groups, who talk about Matt and Natalie's exes.  Chip & Dip state that Matt has never been able to hold down a steady girlfriend.  They show pictures of Matt on the job as a roofer, without a shirt, and looking at other shirtless men.  They show pictures Matt spending his birthday at a bar called the Manhole.  They show Matt and a guy who looks like Alex sitting on their couch together, shirtless.  I have no idea why Matt can't keep a woman.

Now we see Natalie's doctor, who show's us pictures of some of Natalie's exes.  We see a picture of Natalie's first boyfriend, Kevin, who was her boyfriend when the two were six years old.  They broke up during lunch on a school day.  Doctor Caramel then shows us a picture from the next day.  Six year old Natalie is being dragged off by FBI agents, with a sniper rifle slung over her shoulder, screaming "Reagan has to die so Kevin will know how much I love him!"

Next we see a picture of fifteen year old Natalie with her boyfriend Mark.  They broke up after four weeks of dating.  Doctor Caramel shows us a picture of Mark's house, which strangely burned to the ground the day after he and Natalie broke up.  With him and his family only barely making it out in time.

Finally we see a picture of Natalie and her most recent boyfriend, Erik.  Erik broke up with her the week before BB9 started.  We see a picture of Erik five hours after the break up.  The doctors were able to save most of his face, but they had to amputate his hands.  They still don't know where Natalie got the cork-screw from, or how she was able to move so fast.  The doctors think that, with a lot of hope, Erik might one day take liquids in through his mouth again.

Matt's male room mates and Natalie's doctor think the two can make it as a couple.  He's closeted, and she's in denial, it's a perfect match!  They also believe the two have a chance to win the game, because they have both God and the wishes of the Boston gay community on their side.

Time to return to the Chen-bot, who reminds us that either Ryan and Allison, or Sheila and Adam will be not-evicted.  Yes it's time to explain that stupid siren.  When the evicted couple reaches the door, the door will be locked.  The couples will then be split, and either Ryan or Allison, err, either member of the evicted couple will be evicted for real.

So wait, that really is it?  You have a siren you blare whenever you decide to change the rules of the game?  Christ that's a stupid twist.  It makes the Golden Key look smart by comparison.  This means their is no point to playing the game by the rules, none what so ever.  You could be going along, evicting people, making alliances, then the siren blares and they've decided to replace half the cast with monkeys.  Which...well it wouldn't be that big of a change really.  Sheila would suddenly be quieter if they replaced her with a monkey, and less likely to sling shit, but otherwise I doubt I'd notice the difference.

Wait, since it's no longer Big Brother: Till Death Do You Part, it means I can change the picture at the beginning of every entry.  I can change it from this:

To this:

Such a difference!

The Chen-bot reminds us that it's time to see who will be not-evicted.  She mocks the house guests believing that the couple that is supposed to be evicted, will actually be evicted.  The Chen-bot then declares the producers are God, and the house guests will all now need to make a blood sacrifice to Allison Grodner.  First person to sacrifice Asshole has my eternal devotion.

Blah blah blah, in a few moments votes will be revealed, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MAKE SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN!  For Christ sake, a part of me is dying watching them pad the episode by having the Chen-bot say things twice!

The door won't open, my worst fucking nightmare

Alright, finally time to reveal the vote.  To the surprise of no one, Ryan and Allison were evicted unanimously. As they reach the door though, the Siren of Plot-Twist Convenience sounds, locking them.  Oh Dear God, being locked in the Big Brother 9 house!?  With Asshole, Chelsia, and Sheila!?  It would be better to die!


They all return to the idiots, and Allison looks super happy.  No idea why, it just means that they'll be evicting her now rather then five minutes ago, and the show's producers get to raise her hopes up, only to crush them once again.  Allison Grodner gets off on this sort of thing.  Every night she masturbates to video footage of Amanda and Allison sobbing.

Incidentally, Asshole looks absolutely pissed.  Awe, what's the matter?  Plan not work exactly the way you wanted it?  Allison being happy make you sad?  Go to hell.

The Chen-bot informs them that this is no longer Big Brother: Till Death Do You Part, because they are about to part.  And since the season was "Till Death", in order to part, they first must die.  To that end, they're pumping mustard gas into the house to kill all these idiots so they can replace them with a more interesting group.  Well no, but that would be awesome.  Instead, the Chen-bot informs them that Ryan and Allison are not both being evicted.  Instead, only one of them will be evicted, crushing their dreams much harder this time.  The producers planned it this way...because they're sick bastards who like it when people cry, let's be honest.

The idiots celebrate no longer being couples, especially Matt who can now get that restraining order he always wanted.  These morons celebrate so much that the Chen-bot has to start her teacher mode, and force them to calm down.  The Chen-bot tells them they'll be voting for either Allison or Ryan to leave, then tries to act like it's some big mystery as to who will be leaving.

We get to hear their plea speeches.  Ryan says "you know" about a thousand times and verbally rambles a lot.  He talks and talks, and yet doesn't say anything.  Kind of like a politician.  Allison rambles also, with tears instead of "you know"s.  She sounds desperate, but it's all for not, as Allison has been evicted by a 6-0 vote.  Say, remember when Sheila yapped about how much more truthful she was then Allison?  And how even earlier, both Allison and Sheila swore they would never evict each other?  Yeah, Sheila's word is worth a half pound of shit.  Why do I get the feeling when God was creating Sheila, he meant to create her like this:

Sheila, as God meant for her to be

Allison looks just crushed, and I usually would feel sorry, except with Allison gone it means we're one person closer to the end!  Yahoo!  Anyway, usually people hug the person whose leaving and escort her to the door, these dipshits don't even bother to look at Allison as she leaves.  Nice.

As is my rule, I am skipping the Chen-bot interview since I do not care.  We learn nothing of any importance, other then Asshole left a nasty good-bye message, and Sheila is a bitch.  Except, we already knew both of those things.

With that boring out of the way, time for the Head of Household competition.  Now on a good season, this would be the point where you start to feel anxious, hoping to see your favorite win.  This season though I have no favorite, just people I hate less then others.  Individual or not, I hate you all.  Also, I got to ask, why is the challenge boat themed?  Come to think of it, why are so many things this season boat themed?  I get the log cabin motif, since log cabins make you think of romance and slasher movies that end with this cast butchered by Jason Voorhees.  But fishing boats?  They are not romantic!  They make me think of being sea-sick.  Then again, with this cast maybe that is the correct feeling to have.

The competition is called Time After Time.  The Chen-bot asks a bunch of true/false questions about events in the house, if they happened before or after other events.  Answer correct, you move on to the next round.  Answer incorrect, they'll unleash another stupid twist!  Well no, that'll happen anyway, you'll just be eliminated.

The first question is about Stupid Man!  Did he call Parker a snake before Parker and Jen won ten grand?  Given that they won the money by becoming the Power Couple, and Stupid Man! called Parker a snake because of this, I doubt even these people are stupid enough to answer that wrong.  Hey I'm correct, for once they all got a question right.

The next question is about something Asshole said about his family, between the rants and profanity.  Did it happen before or after the stupid fucking Jericho tie-in?  Well how the hell would they know?  When Asshole starts talking, most people immediately go to their mental happy place so they wont have to hear him!  This question is a shot in the dark, with everyone except James and Natalie answering true.  James and Natalie are wrong, and gone.

Next one has to do with the first HOH, and again is about Asshole.  I refuse to talk about that piece of dog shit, and so I will simply say that Sheila, Matt, and Chelsia are eliminated.  Either Ryan or Adam will be HOH.

Huh, I wonder if they still feel so good about evicting Allison?

Sweet fuck, the camera actually cuts away from the competition, to the inside of the guinea pig cage!  The camera in the guinea pig cage is the one the live feeds switch too when they don't want people to see what the house guests are doing.  It's not supposed to be fucking used on the live show!  The incompetence on display here boggles the mind.

Next question they both get right.  The question after is again about the challenge involving the fucking Jericho tie-in, for crap sake shut up about that stupid show!  Anyway, they ask if that challenge happened before this group of special needs house guests voted to give up cups but to still have a margarita party.  The answer is false, it happened after, which they both get again.  Finally, on the next question they both answer different things.  Ryan gets the question correct.  Ryan is the new HOH.

YES!!!!!  I may hate Ryan, but I hate Asshole even more and knowing that he failed to get Ryan evicted makes this fucking sweet for me!!!  Yahoooo!!!!!!!!!  Asshole looks like he's going to throw up.  You've got to wonder what is going through his head.  If I had my way, it would be my fist, but the knowledge of his impending eviction is a good back-up.

The Chen-bot mentions the game is changing, and then...yet another twist.  Oh fuck me.  Yes, the Chen-bot reveals that the evicted idiots did not go home, and instead they went to sequester houses.  The viewers will get a chance to vote one of them into the house.  Or rather, into having a chance to get back into the house.  Come on CBS, most people don't like you bringing people back during a good season.  Why the fuck would we want to see the social misfits that are Alex, Jacob, Amanda, or Jen ever again?  Second, if America votes one of these idiots back into the game, then let the come the fuck back in!  You're charging people money to vote for this, let their vote fucking matter!

Damn it, we'll get into this stupidity later.  Ryan is HOH, and Asshole is kissing ass.  All is right with the world.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 10

Previously on Big Brother: Shut Up Asshole, the obnoxious duo of Joshua and Sharon won HOH, Joshua's behavior reached new lows somehow, causing me to bestow upon him the new name Asshole, and he and Sharon nominated Allison and Ryan and Matt and Natalie for eviction, with Allison as the target.  Somehow this show keeps going, despite having died a week ago, meaning this show is now a zombie.

We return to Asshole and Sharon having just nominated the couples.  Matt is less then thrilled that Asshole nominated him, but he's going to show people how non-threatening he is by winning the veto, saving himself, and going after Asshole and Sharon in revenge!  How will that show people you're non-threatening?  Asshole states that Allison is his only target, and that she's ugly on the outside (believe me dude, you're wrong) and on the inside.  Well if anyone would know what ugly on the inside looks like, it would be you Asshole.  He then states Allison is what is keeping the house drama filled, not the flaming fruit that likes to attack women for fun, but Allison.  Fuck you.

Allison and Ryan are also not thrilled, with Ryan assuming Allison is more to blame.  Figured that out on your own didn't ya fat boy?  Have I mentioned Ryan is one of the brains of the season?  Let that sink in.  Chelsia wants Matt and Natalie gone since Matt is a threat and Natalie could hurt her business.

Sharon and Asshole go up to the HOH, with Sharon stating the nomination went well (what nomination were you watching Sharon?).  The first thing out of Asshole's mouth is that he "didn't attack her", her being Allison. Uh, no.  Asshole, last episode you were talking about how you "knew the things that would make Allison break down and cry", and you were smiling about it.  Not only did you attack her, you planned it out!  Also Asshole, if you didn't attack her, explain this picture:

Why yes it does appear to be you screaming at Allison unprovoked after winning HOH.  Asshole thinks in the DR that people are starting to suspect he's a hothead, just because he goes out of his way to scream at people for fun.  Asshole continues to prance around on his high horse, talking about his speech and how he didn't attack Allison, much like if I broke his jaw I wouldn't have attacked him.

Seriously, how does one manege to rewrite reality that well without being crazy?

Speaking of crazy, time for more of Matt and Natalie!  Matt is telling Nutalie that everyone is after Allison, and she just nods her head a LOT while not blinking.  Seriously, what is it with this chick and the not blinking?  Matt yaps in the DR about how it sucks to be on the block (nah, really?), and how he hasn't had a good night sleep because of it.  Dude, I know why you're not sleeping.  It has nothing what so ever to do with your nomination.  If you want to sleep, then stop spending so much time with the Cum Depository that is Natalie.  Anyway Matt tells Natalie to shut up and smile, whatever.

Matt heads into the Red Bedroom where James and Chelsia and Adam are, and does what all smart people on the block do, pick fights!  He starts yapping about how they've never been on the block, and how dare they say Matt and Natalie are a weak couple.  Dumbass, you and Natalie are on the block.  If these peons want to think you two are a weak couple, let them think it!  Let them think you can shoot fish out of your ass, just don't give them reason to evict you instead you pinhead!  Matt is a semi-joking manner states Adam is being carried and will end up winning.  Then he'll spend his money on drugs, try to sell them over the internet, get caught in a government sting operation, and be sent to jail.  Then Matt will join him in jail because of his part in said drug operation, and he and Adam can get close.  As in, Alex and Matt close.

Adam shrieks in the DR about how it's all about time, and he ought to know.  Adam does so many drugs on a daily basis he can now see time!  He openly admits he has no idea how he does this, finally proving all people who think Adam is some kind of brilliant player, are idiots.  Also, the man barely has eye-brows, to go along with his bug eyes.  He looks like a child molester!  Or some kind of Satanic entity.  The point is, Adam sucks, and I'd be afraid to sit next to the man on the bus.  He just has a layer of sleaze coating him.

Now we have Natalie and Allison talking in the kitchen.  Or rather Allison talking, and Natalie deciding she has better things to do, like counting plates or sucking Matty's dick.  How sad is it when Natalie decides you aren't worth your time?  Natalie spends her time talking to God and having abortions, and Allison is less important.

Sheila is in there also, joking about how she and Adam will soon be looking at "no keys".  Allison say it's good for them.  Really?  In what way?  How is being NOMINATED a good thing Allison?  Do tell me, should be a simple answer.

Well Allison doesn't have an answer, but I do.  Being nominated puts you one step closer to not being in Big Brother 9.  

Sheila blahs in the DR about how great it is for her and Adam having not been nominated for three weeks, and how Allison sucks because she is playing the freaking game!  Sheila states Allison has helped her, and I hope that's a euphemism for "helped drive me to quitting" because I want Sheila gone.

Crazy music plays as we transition to the backyard to see Natalie, running on the stair master while her boobs stay frozen on her chest.  She watches James promise to massage Chelsia with his penis, and Natalie demands a massage from Matt, who is stupidly out there.  We then get a montage where Natalie keeps hounding Matty for a massage, and he says no because he's an idiot who has no idea what boobs feel like.  I'd be more scared that if I said no to Natalie, I might wake up with my skin peeled off, and Natalie standing above me holding a bloody potato-peeler.  

Matt whines in the DR about how all he did was kiss Natalie (yeah, she and your cock had a make-out session) and now she wont leave him alone.  Man, it must suck to have beautiful, crazy women who want to have sex with you stalking you!  No wait, that would be fucking awesome, you dolt!  Matt states Natalie will make some guy very happy, and some psychiatrist a lot of money, but neither will be him.

Now we have Natalie and Allison in the sauna.  Remember when Asshole was on this show?  Neither do I!  Anyway, the two of them try strategizing, and all I think is whoever built Allison and Natalie's boobs did really good work.  Allison in the DR states Matt and Natalie owe them, and that will really matter since both couples are on the block.  Allison swears not to screw over the other two, and Natalie smiles and nods, not knowing what the words mean but being glad that Allison is making them.  Anyway, they make it clear they will send Sheila and Adam home if one goes up.  Or rather, Natalie will tell Matt the idea, Matt will say no, and Natalie will fold like the cheap slut she is.

Ah damn it, we'd almost gone five whole minutes without seeing Asshole.  He and Sharon emerge from the DR to pick players for the veto.  The only thing of note is Sheila still refuses to sit within touching distance of Adam, presumably lacking any disinfectant with which to spray him.  Sheila and Adam are the couple picked to compete.  

Now, if Matt and Natalie had any brains, they'd make sure Sheila and Adam won this POV.  If they do, they can't be nominated.  Sheila and Adam could take Matt and Natalie off.  James and Chelsia would go up, and James and Chelsia would go out the door.  But there I go again, using the "brains" word.  These people have no brains, nor do they have shame.

Asshole and Sharon are next in the HOH with Matt, telling him to win this for them.  Matt being an idiot, agrees without a second thought.  Asshole pontificates about how awesome he is and how Allison and Ryan suck, reminding me why I want to hit him.  Asshole then declares he would take Matt off the block if he won the veto, in spite of the fact that everyone in his alliance wants Matt gone, and none of them give a flying fuck-monkey about Allison.

With that it's time for the Veto.  James comes out dressed in a toga, making me wonder if he's supposed to wear that to host or if James and Chelsia had a really wild night.  It's to host, as all of the women dress up in angel costumes.  Because when I think things that go with angels, I think Greek togas.

The competition involves the women being put in harnesses that are attached to the men by cable.  The men run back and forth between their women and a bin full of puzzle pieces.  When the men go for the pieces, the women are lifted into the air.  Their goal is to assemble a puzzle in the air, then stick the heart beside it with an arrow, first couple to finish wins.

First, enough with the Cupid and the fucking love theme CBS.  None of these people are capable of love, they can't feel emotions in the void where their hearts should be, so drop the fucking love shit, it's not working!  If you want to make a theme for this season, then my suggestion is change the end of this challenge from "pierce the red heart with an arrow" to "pierce the open vagina with the penis".  Second, why do they need to stab a heart with an arrow, shouldn't finishing the puzzle be enough?

Our first bit of idiocy here comes from (of course) Sheila, who is afraid of heights.  Sheila, it's at most ten feet.  At most.  You're tethered to your partner.  You can't fall!  And their are cushions directly beneath you!  Do you honestly think you can hoist Adam's fat ass?  Evidently not as, despite this exchange, Sheila gets in the damn harness.  So, what was the point of that?

The challenge is every bit as you would expect seeing people putting together a puzzle, while using a pulley, to be.  Allison and Natalie shriek a bunch, as the two of them end up in the lead, and Matt and Natalie win by a narrow victory.  Who cares.

When Matt and Natalie win, Asshole and Sharon remind us that the two of them have not an ounce of class between them by shrieking and jumping up and down like they just won the fucking lottery.  Matt is thrilled that Natalie's brain works in "an honest way".  Honestly psychotic maybe.  Natalie think's she'll have bruises since Matt tackled her when they won, but then again she's used to having Matt's body on top of her.  Once again I am disturbed by Natalie and her Fatal Attraction esc relationship with Matty.

Allison states in the DR she feel's "such an array of emotions", like anger, disgust, more anger, nausia, and ever more anger.  Chelsia was cheering for herself in the competition, and then when she remembered she wasn't playing in it, she cheered for Ryan and Allison since they weren't Matt and Natalie.

Next scene we see Allison in the kitchen whining talking about how much Asshole hates her and how she and Ryan can't save themselves.  We then see an unheard of event as Allison... apologizes to Ryan for her behavior.  Wow, a player admitting not only fault, but seeking forgiveness for it!  That's never happened before in the BB9 house!

Now we watch Matt dancing like a dick up in the HOH room.  He state's in the DR he wants to be on everyone elses good side.  To appeal to Asshole, he dances like a flaming fruit while singing about Allison going home.  Asshole mocks Allison, since as the bigger person it's good for him to make fun of someone when they're not around to defend themselves.  Natalie shows up next and dances also, especially when Matt promises her a massage.  She calls it the power of God at work.  Remember that, it'll be important later.

Matt goes to Ryan, and in the DR admits he considers Ryan a friend.  Matt promises Ryan that he won't overlook him and Allison saving Matt and Natalie.  He then verifies he is pronouncing Ryan and Allison's names correctly for when he vote's to evict them, while Ryan starts to wonder if Matt has any food on him.

Now Matt goes to Allison to rub it in that she's going home, while pretending he gives a damn what she has to say.  Allison sobs openly, pouring her heart out to Matt, while he reacts with barely masked boredom, border lining on contempt.  He calls her a smart girl, and a few times it sounds like he's talking to a dog instead of a girl.  Matt tells her to go stir up trouble, cuz the last time that happened it worked out so well.

It's been a whole episode, and Sheila and Adam haven't complained about each other.  It's time to fix that!  We watch in the kitchen as Sheila tells Allison about how "Adam always starts a fight" with her before competitions.  Okay Sheila, Allison, Asshole, and Adam all regularly fight with you.  What do these fights all have in common?  YOU!

Sheila whines a lot about Adam, bitching about how Adam sucks and he is the reason she is loosing in competitions.  In the Cabin Room we watch Sheila bitch/shriek at Adam as he tries to smooth things over.  Sheila shrieks that Adam acts like he's the only one doing anything, when she's started several big fights damn it!  Do those count as nothing?  Maybe?  Sheila then shrieks that he's not listening and maybe she should talk to the wall, since Adam doesn't hear her.  James from the other side starts talking through the wall, calling Sheila a dick-munching man hater.  Sheila screams she doesn't hate men, she just hates all the men she's ever met.

"Oh Matt!"
"Oh Alex!"

Now we see Matt going up to the HOH.  Didn't we just have this scene?  Well Asshole isn't there, only Sharon.  Matt states he has to use his charm with Sharon, known as "roofies", do disarm her and get her to do what he wants.  Matt talks to her about how "Allison is constantly stirring the pot", which is what he asked Allison to do.  Uh, what is his goal here?  To tell people two different things and hope they never compare notes?  I dunno, Matt's a border-line retard, he makes out briefly with Sharon while low budget porn music, and this scene amounts to nothing.

In the DR Sharon admits she knows Matt is trying to seduce her, the bottles of chloroform told her how, but since she's horny she'll let him proceed.  Asshole shows up telling Matt that Natalie is outside, downing a bottle of vodka and cutting herself while screaming about how much she loves Matty.  Natalie starts coming up the stairs, so Asshole and Sharon tell Matt to hide in the bathroom.  Natalie enters carrying a kitchen knife and the display case where she plans to put Matt's head, and asks where he is.  Asshole of course tells immediately because...well he's an asshole, this isn't news.

Matt comes out and Nutalie accuses him of hiding from her, while ranting like a crazy woman.  The two leave and Asshole tries to convince Sharon to spread her legs for Matt to get ahead.  It works for Chelsia!

Now we see Matt playing pool with James and Ryan, whining about how terrible it is that a blow-job dispensing crazy chick wants to have sex with him all the time, and all he would have to do would be fake attraction.  Yeah the misery it is to live your life Matty.

I'm skipping ahead to the next non-Matt and Natalie scene, mostly because all of the scenes with the two of them amount to Matt yelling and Natalie being insane.  The problem is that the next non-Matt and Natalie scene is six minutes later!  Yes, from the moment Matt walks up to see Sharon, to the moment Matt declares him and Natalie to be just friends (while Natalie in the DR thinks this is a sign he is her soul mate), we have six solid minutes of the two of them being idiots.  

Now we have Allison trying to talk to Asshole.  Allison wants to talk to Asshole, who claims they've screamed everything out, he's insulted and threatened her (while laughing about it), so what's the big deal?  When Allison asks him about it, Asshole states she "is stirring up drama", something even she can't figure out. Okay Asshole, starting drama is not manipulating people, that's part of the game.  Starting drama is, oh say, screaming at women and threatening to attack them for fun.  Asshole states he doesn't care what Allison thinks, he doesn't care if she likes him because he doesn't like her.  If it's any consolation I hate you Asshole.

Ugh, it's time to start talking about something else that infuriates people who watched this season, The Siren of Doom, marvelous.  We watch our group of dumbasses pour into the house from the backyard, noticing a note on the kitchen table.  They all go to the living room, where Sharon read the note and explains that BB will "at some point in the coming week" make a very distinct sound.  We then hear the sound and it's super annoying, kind of like if you combined Sheila and Amanda's voices into one super-voice.  When they hear that, they will need to gather in the living room for "the unexpected".  

The idiots all talk about how they hope the siren does something good, and they all make really stupid guesses as to what it will do.  Anyone with a half a brain should know that the siren will end the couple's twist, but a half a brain is one full brain more then most of these monkeys have.

The episode is all but over, so I'm going to skip to the veto.  Matt and Natalie badmouth Allison a lot, since they remember how she saved them (supposedly) and want to express their gratitude.  To the shock of no one, they use the veto on themselves and are taken off the nomination block.  Asshole and Sharon nominate Adam and Sheila as replacements. If their was even the slightest bit of justice in the world, then Sheila and her mouth would be evicted now so I wouldn't have to listen to her whine.  But Justice is blind and Sheila is a bitch, so you can expect Sheila to stay and Allison to go.

Only one more episode of Asshole and Sharon as HOH.  Keep calm Srge, you can do this, you can survive the eviction.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 9

I woke up this morning and realized blood was pouring from my walls and 666 had appeared burned into my flesh.  I took this as a sign from God that it was time to talk about the worst three episodes of BB9, with a few possible exceptions.  Be warned, this will be a long one.

Previously on Big Brother: Douchebags In Charge, these morons found whole new ways to piss me off, Amanda and Allison almost died but didn't, Alex and Amanda were evicted for being idiots, and Joshua and Sharon won HOH, causing me to question my belief in God.  Joshua continues to be a pimple on the ass of humanity, and Sharon continues to be a black-hole of boring, sucking in drama and regurgitating repetitive fake lesbian scenes.

We flashback briefly to Alex and Amanda being evicted.  Matt calls it bitter sweet, because he doesn't want to see Alex go.  How will Matt live without Alex and his shirtless body?  We see Alex's final words to Matt were "Please avenge us", and Alex clearly needed to be avenged since he was about to be beheaded.  No wait, he'd only been evicted, in a game played by and for individuals.  Why the hell would Matt avenge you!?

James and his hot-pink head declare this a successful HOH run.  Because when I think success, I think changing my target halfway through the week, and failing miserably to get my real target out.  Operation: Seagull was obviously a complete success.

The obligatory grey picture shot.

With that, Alex and Amanda's pictures go grey, and I still do not care.  Actually, let me pause for a moment.  For most people, it was this point when it really began to sink in, none of these people are worth caring about.  They aren't interesting, exciting, nice, moral, and I doubt some of them are human.  The big problem is that, reality shows are made and broken on their casts.  If you do not care about ANY of them, that's actually worse then hating all of them.  At least hate is an emotion, apathy is what kills ratings and TV shows.

Joshua yaps about working hard to get Matt and Natalie evicted, which if you watched the show you totally saw when Allison worked hard to get the two evicted and Joshua sat on his ass.  CBS editing at its finest folks.  They then show that Allison turned, when in actuality Ryan never planned on evicting Matt and Natalie, and Allison had to give in.

Well Joshua, being the sane and rational person he is, blames Allison and only Allison.  Not Adam, Sheila, and Ryan, all of whom wanted Alex and Amanda gone, but Allison.  Wow Joshua, that's a new level of psychotic, even for you, congrats!

Joshua tracks down Allison, sitting in the bathroom with Sheila.  He acts like a super prissy, flaming queen.  It gets uncomfortable watching him because he's less of a human and more of a cartoon character.  Joshua in the DR talks about how he was offended as a gay man because of the stupid lesbian lie.  He never once mentions being mad at Sheila incidentally, but Joshua has a selective memory.  Also, I bet Amanda felt offended when you talked about her father's suicide, no wait, you thought that was funny!  Of course.  Douche.  Anyway, he and Sharon talk about how Allison is a liar, and they can't trust her.

Ryan thinks in the DR that Joshua wants to go after Allison because they switched votes and left him and Sharon in jeopardy.  Except Allison had nothing to do with that, and they purposely informed Joshua and Sharon before the vote just so the two wouldn't vote against the house!  All these scene's do is paint Joshua as a huge hypocrite, something we already knew.

We now see Joshua and Sharon win HOH again, and I feel the bile rising in my throat.  They give a duel DR with both laughing and shrieking.  Joshua declares HOH better then sex, which isn't surprising since his partner is a woman.  Joshua and Sharon hug Chelsia and James, screaming the entire time.  I wonder if anyone would assume the four of them are in an alliance?  Nah!

James feels confident, fuck you dickhead.  Joshua brags about Allison looking miserable, showing off that charm we love him for.  In case you are wondering, Joshua and Sharon are being a pair of obnoxious assholes about winning.  They're screaming, jumping up and down, yelling shit, and I must remind you that you don't get to play for HOH next time.

Allison points out that usually when someone wins HOH, everyone is happy.  This time only James and Chelsia, and Joshua and Sharon are happy, the other six look sick.  I must remind the brain trust of four that you've got...four members.  In a game where people are evicted in couples.  Should you loose one HOH competition, guess what.  YOU LOOSE HALF YOUR ALLIANCE!  And yeah, the other six are not in an alliance with these four after this point.  Why would they be, it would be entering an alliance at number five in the pecking order.  Joshua, master strategist, doesn't care and instead chooses to keep showboating.

Next we see Adam, Matt, and Allison discussing the challenge in the Red Bed Room.  Joshua sense the three might be enjoying each others company, and swoops in to fix that.  When Allison mentions she buzzed in a second before Sharon, he makes a completely obnoxious buzzing noise and yells "too late".  He then starts telling her to "get the fuck out of my room".  Joshua is moving into the HOH room.  He's trying to be an asshole, which is the best long term strategy.

Now Joshua really starts to loose it.  Allison didn't start this and actually tried to ignore Joshua.  Joshua responds by screaming at her, calling her bitch and threatening to make her life hell.  He starts screaming  insults and in the interest of good taste, I'll not recap them, but I will say this.  Joshua is a fucking loser.

James actually comes to tell Josh to lay off, and Joshua (patron saint of honesty) claims Allison attacked him first.  By avoiding you and purposefully not talking to you?  Joshua, this is psychotic even for you.  He keeps snapping that people should not provoke him.  Or rather, women should not provoke him.  Not that that matters to Joshua, he'll attack a woman just for his own amusement!  So Joshua claims he only attacks people when provoked, but then screams at women with no provocation at all.

I've avoided talking about this, but I've got to.  Joshua only attacks women, and he only does it because he's afraid.  Joshua is afraid if he attacks a guy, that a guy will beat him up, and he is right.  If Joshua screamed at Matt or Ryan for fun, they'd break his jaw and not think twice about it.

You should know that Joshua does have a good....that Joshua has no reason what so ever for attacking women.  Most of Joshua's attacks on women in the house are unprovoked, and done because he finds it funny.  It's not like Evel Dick trying to throw someone off before a challenge, Joshua gets off on making women miserable.  It doesn't make the show, but at a later date Joshua goes on one of his worst tirades against Sheila for something Ryan did (shock).  He screams at her, threatens to rip her hair out, and brings her son into it, something he promised he wouldn't do.  Why did Joshua do this?  Because he could.

So in Joshua we have someone who attacks those weaker then himself, who claims to be a good Christian while not following a single Christian moral, and someone who gets off on making others miserable.  Joshua is a coward, a hypocrite, and a bully.  In a cast full of nauseating people, these factors have somehow made Joshua the worst of them all.

Even Chelsia comes out of her crack high long enough to apologize, while Ryan tries to figure out what Allison did.  I'd say the lesbian lie, but that's just an excuse for Joshua to use.  Joshua needed a punching bag for the week, since Amanda left, and Allison's name came up.

One clean shot, and this
season has a happy ending.

Ryan goes to ask Joshua just what in the yellow fuck did Allison say.  Joshua gives a rambling non-answer, though to his credit, he menages not to call attacking Allison fun.  Ryan asks if Allison attacked him personally, and Joshua states it was "her looks and attitude".  Joshua, you were celebrating out there like the producers told you you could eat Sharon too, and Allison has a bad attitude?  How the hell can even you be this big of a hypocrite!?

Ryan states that Josh is psychotic (nah, really?), and points out this is the second unprovoked attack he's pulled, the first being our suicidal romp with Amanda.  Ryan says in his usual flat way that he has no respect for Joshua.  You and the whole of humanity.

Joshua now claims in the DR that this is about the lesbian lie.  Yet, no screaming at Sheila.  How odd.  Or rather, not.  Joshua is making excuses.  The lesbian lie does not matter one bit to Joshua, he just uses it as a reason to attack Amanda Allison.  Now we see Joshua in the bathroom with Natalie, telling her "if Allison had been nice to me, she'd be on my side".  For fuck sake, the man can't keep his fucking story straight minute to minute!

Matt thanks Allison in the living room, and states that she and Joshua will talk it over.  If that's a euphemism for "Joshua screams at Allison for so long that Allison curls up into a ball and sobs" then I agree.  Joshua makes a point to walk by, just to take another pot shot at Allison.  I got to admit, I'm impressed by how hard Joshua is working to hate Allison.  If I weren't so sickened.

A very red-faced, possible hammered Allison tells us in the DR she's not taking Joshua's shit.  Most of the DR session is muted due to the rapid fire profanity coming out of her mouth.  That much profanity deserves some fucking respect.  I tip my hat.

Have I mentioned that we have only now hit the ten minute mark?  Strap in folks, it's going to be a loooong ride.

Allison goes around the house sobbing, to the kitchen first, then to the bathroom with Ryan.  She sobs and Ryan pretends that he cares, doing a really bad job of faking sincerity.  Ryan says "this is hard, but it's exactly what we want."  Yes, we all want flaming misogynist fruits to scream insults and threats at people for no reason.  In the DR he admits he feels bad for her, and thinks that he is the only one she views as sane.  In this house?  No doubt.

Since we've gone almost thirty seconds without wanting to bludgeon Josh to death, we have yet another Josh scene.  Marvelous.  Joshua is talking about how him screaming threats at Allison was "nothing" to Natalie and Sheila in the cabin room.  Sheila appears to be nursing a bowl of wine, and we must assume she is plastered.

Totally doesn't care

Allison tells Ryan, between sobs, that she doesn't care what Josh thinks.  Allison then starts ranting that everyone is intimidated by her.  Uh, no.  Most people barely acknowledge you Allison, they neither like nor dislike you.  Now I like you, but that's because you're one of the few people among this cast with a brain.  Allison continues to show how not upset she is by yapping about how men don't talk to her that way.  No Allison, sane men don't.  Joshua is...Joshua is a shithead.

Back to Joshua, who feels good because he is in control of the house!  Great, what about Sharon?  Is Sharon honestly so boring that the producers felt the need to ignore her this week?  Do I even need to ask?  Joshua curses up a storm, and states either he's sending Allison home, or she's sending him home.  Have another screaming fit Joshua and Allison might send you to the morgue.

Now Allison is in the kitchen.  Matt comes in and states they will "chat later", presumably about if Ryan can replace Alex in his life.  Ryan comes in, and Allison decides it's time to make the two of them hate her by telling them they should be ashamed for not defending her.  Allison, they weren't in the room.  When Ryan came in, he did defend you.  Allison then ups the crazy by stating that them not being there "doesn't matter".  They should defend her even if they have no idea she's being attacked damn it!  Allison does make one good point, the one I mentioned earlier, this wouldn't have happened if Allison was a man.

Oh joy, it's more of Joshua and Sharon.  It's time for their HOH room reveal.  As you might have guessed, the HOH room has been redecorated to look like a dominatrix dungeon, complete with chains hanging from the walls and a bone saw for when Joshua wants a snack.

Well no, but it would have made this scene a hell of a lot more interesting.  Everyone runs to Joshua and Sharon, pretending they want to see their HOH room, and not that they all want to throw Joshua from the balcony.  Allison says fuck this, and goes to bed instead.  How will Joshua turn this into a personal (unprovoked) attack against him?  Let's find out!

They pour into there, and we rapidly see Joshua and Sharon's HOH pictures.  Joshua as a teen looked like a douche, with bleached blond highlights and a face you just want to punch.  Sharon's family is every bit as dull as she is, and I feel sleepy looking at them.  We also see Sharon's dog got a picture, something she is really happy about.  This explains her and the damn guinea pigs...

Then we see a picture of Sharon and Jacob.  I got to admit I started laughing here, which is odd since I'm usually sobbing while watching this show.  Sadly it just reminds me how entertaining Jacob's stupidity was, and how boring Sharon is by comparison.  CBS really dropped the ball on these two.  If BB is rigged like some whiners say it is, then why the hell did Sharon come back?  Sharon sucked.

Also, why the hell are Jacob and Sharon wearing heavy clothing, and leis?  What do you want to bet they were vacationing in Hawaii, and it was Stupid Man's job to pack.

Chelsia notices a princess tiara on the table, and Joshua shrieks about it being his.  Have I mentioned Joshua is one of the more masculine gay-guys that's been on the show?  Joshua yammers about it being from his office, and when he wears it he gets to be dumbass for a day.  Matt takes a moment to channel my thoughts about how fucking stupid the tiara is, and how Joshua already acts like royalty, so a tiara is also fitting.

God damn it, now we've got more about that stupid fucking lesbian lie.  We had almost made it three minutes without bringing the fucking lie up, but like herpes, it's back when you least expect it.

The producers play the Happy Sentimental Music, as we see Joshua and Sharon with Sheila and Adam in the HOH room.  Joshua is talking about being gay, while gay men across the country pray for him to become straight, just so they wont be associated with him.  They try to make us sympathize with Joshua in this scene, which is difficult when he spends his time screaming threats at people.  Joshua gives us some spiel about gay etiquette, and then lists off the rules for being gay:

1.  You do not lie about it
2.  You do not out someone in the closet
3.  You do not ask questions
4.  You don't talk about being gay
5.  You must trust Joshua

...Wait sorry, my mind drifted to happier places.  All that I really get from this scene is that Joshua calls being and representing gays well as being as important as the Bible.  I must assume then that Joshua hates the Bible, as a few gay friends I have agree with me, his behavior is atrocious and he (to quote Rachel) "sucks at being gay".

Sheila does make a point of stating Allison was the one responsible for all of the eeeevil lesbian lie, in spite of the fact that Sheila was the one who wanted to keep the lie going and tell more people.  Then Allison got in trouble, and Sheila threw her to the sharks.  What a pal.

Now we're in the living room, Ryan is negotiating some storage room time with Chelsia ("Your going rate is $3.75 an hour?"), when Joshua walks in wearing only a towel.  Oh God, the thought of Joshua nude, gah!  Anyway, he's here to make sure that everyone in the house hates Allison, so he brings up the lesbian lie (we made it two whole seconds without it being mentioned, new record!), telling Ryan that Allison started it on day two.  Then he claims that Allison started telling everyone that she and Sheila had a kid together, which even if that is true, Sheila is the one who came up with them having a kid.  Then again, Sheila has decided that the S.S. Allison is a sinking ship, and has hitched a ride on the S.S. MakeShitUpAndKissSomeAss, so I really shouldn't be surprised she left out her involvement in the kid thing.

Let me pause for a moment.  Everyone keeps talking about how this lie shows Allison is manipulative, how she is "playing everyone", and I must ask one thing.  To what end?  It's a simple question, why is Allison playing everyone?  What is she manipulating them into doing?  What in Satan's ass crack is she hoping to accomplish?

Nothing.  Not one damn thing.  Everyone in the house knows that the great lesbian lie was just a bit of really stupid fun, but they're all acting like Allison put a black spot on her arm with a marker and told everyone it was cancer.  Everyone in this house is a liar, and most of their lies are based around manipulating people into certain game moves.  You have to lie in this game!  So why is everyone coming down on Allison so hard?  Either they're all really offended by her claiming to be gay, or they're a bunch of hypocritical assholes.  I'm banking on the latter.

Ryan listens to Chelsia yammer on for a while, avoiding being directly in front of her mouth for fear of airborne mouth STDs.   In the DR he correctly points out that Allison was being an idiot and put a target on her head for no reason.  Then again, so did Sheila and it worked out well for her!

Now Ryan goes to confront Allison in the boat room about this, acting like he's totally surprised, even though he knew about it earlier in the episode.  Which means that this scene took place from the week before, and this episode is even worse edited then I thought.  What a shock.

Allison calls it a joke, Ryan calls her a dumbass, and I pray a satelitte falls out of the sky and kills them all.   I'm skipping the scene on the grounds that it's the same damn scene we've watched for the last twenty minutes, and I'm sick of recapping it.

Matt and Natalie's relationship,
in one picture.

Low budget porno-music plays as we watch a stoned Matt and Natalie stroll through the house.  Thanks for leaving that in there CBS.  We get scenes of the two of them in bed, Matt clearly wanting to just be fuck buddies friends with Natalie, and Natalie wanting to cut off Matt's skin and crawl inside of it.  Matt states he doesn't want to cuddle, but he does want Natalie to blow him, and she complies.   Matt also states that Natalie should be happy damn it!  Happy that Matt acts like a douche to her, letting Natalie wrap her lactating lips around his dick but not letting her cuddle.  I can totally see why Natalie likes Matt, you'd have to look really hard to find this big of a douche-bag.

Matt makes Nutalie swear not to get emotionally attached to him, and Natalie takes a break from building her life size replica of Matt made out of hair from a shower drain to comply.  In the DR though, Natalie confirms that that promise she made is a crock of horse shit, as she talks about how Matty "puts up this wall to keep me away".  But as Natalie has shown us, it doesn't matter how big the wall is, or how strict the restraining order is, Natalie will always find a way to get to Matt.  Natalie states that she's "never had a guy treat me like this" before, and she's confused by it.  So to make her feel less confused, Matt calls her a whore before stuffing singles into her bra, like shes used to.

It's time for the food competition.  I do not care.

Joshua and Sharon come out of the DR in overalls, something that makes Sheila think "oh no", due to her paralyzing fear of denim.  No wait, it's because she's afraid of slop and "being in a bucket of slop", even though if Sheila had ever watched the damn show she'd know they usually do teams every other week, meaning that it is unlikely for her to be on slop all week.  If Sheila had watched the damn show, she'd know that in non-team weeks, all the house guests play to earn food for a particular day of the week, plus extra privileges, like a backyard barbecue.  Any day the house guests don't win food for, they end up on slop.  So the only way for Sheila to do another week on slop is for everyone in this house to be butt fuck retarded.

Hope that slop tastes good!

Adam whines in the DR about how he's a growing guy (body of a 29 year old, mind of a six year old), and how slop sucks.  Nah, really?  They get costumes, with all the girls dressed in green asparagus unitards, and the guys dressed in aprons.  Incidentally, the unitard is extra tight over the boob and shows them off quiet well, nice.  The idiots walk outside to see the backyard looks like a color coordinated farmer's market.

The editors start playing fiddle music from hell as Natalie comments "That's a lot of fish asparagus".  Thanks for the insight lactating one.  Chelsia in the DR describes herself as "flabbergasted" because all of that asparagus is expensive!  She'd have to fuck six guys in one night at her rates to afford one bushel of it.

Joshua and...you know what, no.  Fuck you.  I'm not going to call you Joshua, you don't deserve to be called Joshua.  I'm calling you what you are.

So Asshole and Sharon explain the rules.  To win food for the house, men must load wooden containers with what they think their partners weight is, in asparagus.  The only way to gauge the weight is to life your partner and your asparagus, and all of a sudden I wish the men were the ones being weighed, just so I could see Allison lift Ryan, before calling in a zeplin full of asparagus to match his weight.  If you're within ten pounds, you earn a food group for the house.  The HOH couple will also be playing for food since they are not playing as teams.  If they fail to earn food, the house still gets asparagus and slop.  Yum.

The challenge is stupid, and no less then four people told us the rules AGAIN in the DR, assuming that the viewers are idiots.  Given that they're willingly watching this show, that might not be an incorrect assumption.

James and Chelsia are revealed to be playing for beverages and snacks.  Chelsia states in the DR that she does not want to be the couple that looses, since that will be the target of her drunken insults this week, and it's no fun if she has to insult herself damn it!  James does manege to get her weight, and Chelsia celebrates as she mentally checks off which couples she needs to tear down for fun.

Adam and Sheila are next, with Sheila causing the scale to circle all the way around twice, before settling on 131.  The extra two thousand pounds will be implied.  Sheila blames the extra weight on her hat, while I blame it on her fat ass.  Guess which one of us is right?  Adam brings over his forklift of asparagus and gets her weight, whatever.

Matt and Natalie come next, playing for carbs and a feast.  Natalie states they got it, God sent her a message in the asparagus telling her it was her Christian duty to win food.  Matt comes seventeen pounds short of Natalie's weight of 116, showing that God hates Natalie almost as much as the viewers do.  Chelsia is upset on the one hand because they don't get a feast, but on the other hand it means a week of screaming at Natalie and throwing pickle juice on her, so it's still a win in some ways.

Finally it's Ryan and Allison playing for meat and cheese.  Adam whines in the DR about how he's been on slop and he needs meat.  I personally think he needs a shower, but I suspect he'd rather have meat.  They do get the meat and cheese, and every one is happy for Ryan.  Allison not so much.  They then throw asparagus at each other, and asparagus is not a good throwing vegetable.  They need potatoes or squash, they fly well, and you might actually hurt one of these idiots.

With that stupid challenge done, it's time for stupid filler, with Natalie painting a nail polish picture of Asshole on a paper towel.  Yes really.  This show is so desperate for material, this made the show.  Natalie states that she thought (always a bad sign) it would be fun to paint Asshole, since he's the pretty boy.  Pretty obnoxious maybe.  Natalie reminds us she likes to paint pretty things, like mermaids and Matty's penis.  Natalie then reveals to Asshole that she can't move her eyebrows.  I couldn't make this shit up if I tried folks.  She manages to paint a very good picture of Asshole, complete with blood dripping from his mouth from when he rips out Allison's throat.  Nutty Natty thinks that this will help her since Asshole is HOH, yeah we'll see.

Well, it's been a good five minutes without a fight, so CBS needs to fix that.  Allison walks into the kitchen where Sheila and Asshole are.  Allison immediately calls out Asshole, and Sheila calls Allison a hypocrite from the DR, somehow managing to fit her high horse in there.  Sheila, you started the lie, you started a fight with Allison for no reason, and you sold her out.  So shut your fucking mouth you shit-licking bitch.

One clean shot,
and the world becomes a better place

Allison calls Asshole the ugliest person she's seen in her whole life, while Sheila laughs, because Allison calling out the guy who insulted her for no reason and screamed threats at her is funny apparently.  Asshole whines that he's being provoked and I wish Allison would deck him just to wipe that smug look off his face.  Allison decides to walk off, and Asshole, known for taking the high road, calls her a flat chested ugly bitch.  Allison calls Asshole an idiot, Asshole fires back that he has two degrees from UT.  So what?  I've got a degree and I'm working on my second, doesn't mean dick.  You being an idiot makes you an idiot Asshole.

The two continue to fight, now about how much money Asshole makes, both from his job in advertising and his side job of collecting souls for Beelzebub.  Asshole states she needs to put make up on her mole I can't see, calling it her third eye and then calling her a cyclops.  Except a cyclops only has one eye you dipshit.  Allison keeps putting make up on, and Asshole continues to throw out insults that make no sense and just remind you that the only positive thing he will do in life is die.

Allison finally decides to ask just what in the hell did she do to him, and Asshole...refuses to tell her.  So he's going to go on hating and yelling at Allison, but not tell her why, only imply things.  Do you see why I call him Asshole?  Anyway Allison keeps calling him out, and Asshole makes some lame insults and runs off to his HOH room.  How dare Allison bring logic and common sense into this argument, that shall be her death!

Sharon and Asshole hold a pow-wow, where Sharon tells Asshole he needs to get everyone except Allison and Ryan together so they can gang up on the two.  Which is actually a terrible idea since the other couples will realize that the same thing can happen to any of them, and once your stint as HOH ends, you two will be huge targets.  No wait, I'm assuming these people have brains, and the jury is out on that one.  Sharon tells Asshole to make it discreet, which apparently means "go out of your way to make sure Allison knows she's not invited to the HOH room".  In fact, Asshole tells the other three couples he wants to talk to "everyone", and the acts like Allison and Ryan are furniture.

It's always nice to be reminded of being a second class citizen.  Allison calls Asshole a drama queen, while I call him a series of profanities that don't yet exist.  Asshole gets the up there and immediately tells his side of the events.  But since Allison is there she will get to tell her side of the story and maybe she and Asshole...no wait, Allison isn't here.  It's much more important to Asshole to be right in this situation, then to try and resolve the tension in the house.  What a shock.

Since everyone in the house except Ryan is a shit head, they actually act like Asshole ignoring Allison is the mature thing to do, and tell him that she provoked him!  What the fuck!  Even you people can't be this fucking stupid!  Asshole has already had huge screaming matches with Allison, Amanda and (although it didn't make the show) Natalie and Sheila.  What do all of those fights have in common?  ASSHOLE!  You can't keep blaming the other person in the fight just because you want to suck up to Asshole.

Sheila though has no problems as she applies her best dick-sucking lipstick.  She talks more then anyone, even Asshole, repeatedly complimenting him.  You know, in hell flatterers are forced to excrete shit from their mouths in equal proportion to how much flattery they gave in life.  Sheila would have a waterfall of shit pumping out of her mouth for all of eternity.

Sharon continues to defend Asshole, and asks the others what they think, and when she say's "what do you think", Sharon means "what do we want you to think?".  Ryan in the red room bets that Asshole is talking shit about them.  Nah, really?  Asshole asks their opinions, and James realizes it's his turn to suck dick as he states Allison should go up right away.  In spite of the fact that both he and Chelsia really wanted Matt and Natalie out, and considered Ryan and Allison non-entities.

Matt states if Allison goes on the block, she's not coming off.  Yeah, if she wins the Veto, the hate you guys have for her will cause it to melt!  Sheila warns it could get ugly.  Don't worry Sheila, your hypocrisy has made certain that it's "gotten ugly".  Asshole confirms that the house wants Allison gone, and they all say "Yeah, we totally hate Allison as much as you do and aren't kissing your butt".  Matt says something in the DR, but this episode has made me so sick I don't care.

This really is starting to get sickening, and this entry has already set a record length, so I'm going to skip to the end before I punch a hole in my computer.  Asshole and Sharon go through the whole production of putting peoples keys into the wood-wheel of death, acting like it's some mystery who goes up.  To the shock of no one, Allison and Ryan and Matt and Natalie are on the block.  Asshole makes a self righteous speech, and Allison for a moment looks like she's going to break her chair over his inflated head.  Please do.

Ugh, that's one episode down.  Two more episodes of Asshole as HOH.  God help me.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?