Big Brother 9 - Episode 17

Previously on Big Brother: All You Have Is Your Word And Your Word Ain't Worth Shit, Matt had been an arrogant bastard, referring to himself as King when Ryan was HOH, then fucked up the next HOH challenge when James came back into the house.  Matt was given safety though when Natalie made a deal with James to protect both her and Matt.  James agreed, and nominated Sheila and Ryan, giving an extremely self-righteous speech about the importance of your "word".  James then won the Veto, found out Matt lied to him, and decided that keeping his word no longer applied.  James, to my eternal ire, saved Sheila and nominated Matt, with Matt as the target for eviction.  Tonight one of them will be evicted, becoming the first member of the jury, and allowing us to begin bringing this three month long mistake to an end.

The Chenbot welcomes us in an all black dust-ruffle with disco collar, and shiny pleather boots, to give us a recap of the events of the week.  Even though every episode comes with a recap before the opening credits.  Somebody really needs to change the Chenbot's programming, she's had this recap glitch for a while now.

That being said, I love that the Chenbot refers to James occupation as "free spirit", which is the most creative synonym CBS could think of for "hobo".  The Chenbot yaps about James, and asks us "will James live to regret his broken promise?  Only time will tell".  Well time and me, I can tell you right now, but do I need to?  James is stuck in a house with Natalie, whose sharpening an ax and preparing a spot for James on her Wall of Heads even as we speak!  If you're going to screw someone over, make sure their partner is NOT a crazy chic who listens to God and has easy access to sharp objects.

We flashback to the end of the POV ceremony, where James hypocrisy is on full display as he saves Sheila.  Damn it man, why did you have to do that!?  If you had taken Ryan off, or left the nominations the same, don't you know what would have happened?  Sheila would have gone home!!!!!!!

(breaks down sobbing) IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!

(sigh) Natalie gives us an emotion free DR about how angry she is.  No I'm not kidding, she sits there and tells us she's angry, without expressing a hint of anger.  Only Natalie could screw up something as simple as being mad at someone.  She blahs about how much of a hypocrite James is.  Well so are you sweet-cheeks, you're just to crazy to know it.

Apparently I'm not the only one whose started to cry at the thought of Sheila being safe.  We watch King Matt after his nomination, as he starts to tear-up at the thought of going home.  Dude, it's a fucking game, have some self-respect!  You're a man supposedly, act like one!

But no, despite Matt's muscles, tattoos, and stupid Boston attitude, he's really a big cry-baby.  James DR's that Matt is on the block because he lied to James face.  Really?  How did I miss that, you only mentioned it five billion times last episode.

"James only nominated me
because he's mean and he's stupid
and he sucks and he's jealous!"

Natalie tries to comfort Matt, but before she can pull down his pants, Matt decides to go pack to leave.  Uh Matt, their are still five days till eviction.  Believe me, you got a little while.  Logic would dictate that you should already be trying to get votes on your side, as you will need them.  But logic matters not one blue fuck to King Matt, and it's much more important for him to pout about being nominated.

King Matt continues by sniveling in the DR about how it's James only chance to get him out.  Dude, grow a sack, ya fucking pansy. All that's happened is you've been nominated!   You just need to swing one friggin' vote!  Grab a tampon, plug your vag, and then go kiss ass!

Okay, well Asshole and Sharon are lost causes.  Come to think of it, Chelsia will do whatever the hell James wants, so no point in going after her.  And James will get rid of Matt in the event of a tie, so...enjoy the jury house Matt!

Matt crashes in the Red Bedroom, where Chelsia and Asshole are only because they didn't know King Matt was coming, and couldn't get away.  Chelsia and Asshole pretend to care, but when King Matt starts to cry, they both hightail it out of there.  I don't blame them.

I'm sorry, I don't like James at all, but Matt is just being an idiot.  Dude, it's a game.  You want to win, you have to work at it, no one is going to hand you your win on a platter.  When you loose, you smile and take it like a man.  Yes loosing hurts, yes your ego will be bruised, but if you are such a baby that the possibility of loosing, not actual loosing just the possibility, makes you fucking cry, then your ego needs to be bruised.

Anyway, in the Log Cabin Room, we see Natalie trying to look sad, and she comes so close, but unfortunately for Natalie, emotions are things that happen to other people, not her.  Instead of looking sad, Natalie looks like she has mild gas and is captivated by the amazement that is Asshole.  Sorry Natalie, try practicing emotions in the mirror, maybe you'll get it right next time.  And no, being a creepy stalker and having 47 restraining orders filled against you do not count as emotions.

Chelsia tells Natalie she just has to stay strong, like how Chelsia doesn't cry when her pimp slaps her for being a dirty whore.  If Chelsia can endure having a broken nose and crabs without crying, then damn it, Natalie can endure King Matt being evicted.  Natalie cries from the DR that it's hard to be strong, since she loves King Matt.  So much so that she's already rented the church for the wedding that Matt doesn't know they're having.

Asshole tells her that King Matt might stay, even though he knows that him, Sharon, Chelsia, and (to break the tie) James are all planning to vote the king out, which means Asshole is saying this just saying this to be a dick.  Is anyone surprised?

We see a still sniveling King Matt going out into the backyard.  I guess it's time to mingle with the peasents and try and convince them not to revolt, isn't it King Matt?  He goes over to see James, asking if James has a problem with our humble king.

James says that Matt's playing with Natalie, to which King Matt corrects.  He's not playing with Natalie, Natalie is playing with him.  Or at least a very erect part of him.  King Matt and James have a conversation where they say nothing of value, other then James did not cry when he was nominated, making him more of a man then King Matt.  Which isn't very difficult, by this point Sheila is more of a man then Matt.  King Matt starts to cry again as he whines that he promised his Mom that he would win her something.

I've been bringing this point up since friggin' Survivor Marquesas, and I've got to bring it up here now.  If your only way to achieve financial security, or to pay for a gift for a loved one, is to win a fucking reality show, then you've got much bigger problems then possibly loosing.  Games like Big Brother and Survivor are NOT about being fucking fair, or going to the one who "most deserves" it, or any other nonsensical abstract like those.  Games like this, are about winning!  They're about being smarter then your competition and outplaying them!  Stop whining, and man up Matt, or go home to mommy.  I don't care anymore, just get off my fucking screen.

That being said, I love Matt's reason for why he wont win a vote against Ryan.  Because Ryan is nice.  So yes, you just had Matt confirm that he's been an ass during his nearly forty days in the house, and he didn't think for a second how that could come back to bite him.  Matt whines that he's the asshole of the house (not the Asshole), and runs off to find a quiet place to suck his thumb.

James makes fun of Matt from the DR, and God help me, I'm actually siding with James on something.  James points out that every person in the house has a parent, and Matt whining that he wants to give his Mom "a prize" will just remind people of their own parents, and make them want to get rid of Matt more.

King Matt wonders into the Log Cabin Room, where Natalie still is.  Natalie looks a little misty-eyed, but Matt is just sobbing.  Just think Natalie, if you have your way, one day you'll be Mrs. Crying Bitch.  Matt and Natalie hug, with Matt telling her that she did nothing wrong.  This seems like Matt is about to own up to his own failures...but no.  He just tells her it's not her fault, without admitting it's all his.

Matt then runs away from Natalie, whining he wants to be by himself.  Then why the hell did you spend the last hour talking to Chelsia, Asshole, and James?  King Matt wanders into the kitchen, telling himself how tough he is.  Matt's a tough kid, he needs to stop crying.  He's smart, attractive, and damn it, people like him! No wait, no.  Matt is none of those things.  He's a whiny idiot, a sore loser, and the only person who likes him is his stalker.

We get a DR with Matt yelling that he wasn't going to cry on TV, while crying.  What on Earth could I add to this?  Tough guy music plays in the background, because when I think tough guy, I think "Moron who cried when he was nominated for eviction".

We see Asshole and Ryan in the Red Bedroom, where Asshole confirms that Ryan has his vote.  What a shock.  The way they have the votes figured, it would be 5-1 with Natalie being the odd one out.  That would be true, assuming Sheila and Adam voted with anything resembling logic.  Sadly Sheila and Adam do not have brains, but lumps of pudding between their ears, and will be voting to keep Matt because...uh, yeah.

Next day, we see Sheila and Ryan in the Sauna Room, presumably hiding from the sobbing cyclone that is Matt.  Sheila confirms that Ryan has her vote, saying when she makes a decision, it's a decision.  As opposed to...what?  When she makes a decision, it's a smoothie?  Sheila somehow is so stupid, she manged to fuck up talking.

Later that day, we see a teary-eyed Matt (DUDE!  IT'S BEEN A DAY!  LET IT GO!) asking Adam for his vote.  Adam confirms it, and the two try to work on a way to swing other votes to Matt's side.  Oh Christ, these two are trying to think.  It's rather painful, watching Adam and Matt trying to have thoughts, watching Adam declare that Matt was "stiffed for no apparent reason".  What about the reason James gave?  What about the fact that James wanted Matt gone in week two, and because YOU Adam were stupid enough to vote James back, he got his chance?

Matt says Adam had a really good point.  What?  Did Adam have anything even resembling a point in his crazy, drug fueled rambling?  He just said essentially "You didn't do anything to deserve to go home Matt", that's what his speech amounted to.  How is that a good point?  Hell, how is that a point?  Matt decides he needs to get the girls votes, so he'll play the sympathy card and it'll cause all the women to just throw their votes to Matt.  So in addition to being whiny, and an idiot, we can add sexist to Matt's list of character traits.  Good to know.

Chelsia is up first, a woman who enjoys screaming at people, drove Amanda to tears for fun, and gets off on the misery of others.  Good first choice King Matt.  After you finish with her, go ask Asshole about what it takes to be a nice person.

Matt goes into the Red Bedroom where Chelsia is trying to nap, which for King Matt is an invitation to start talking.  He plops down and whines about not wanting to be in the jury house on his birthday, while Chelsia tries (and fails) to suppress a smile.  Chelsia tells us in the DR that this was the moment where she realized that Matt was truly pathetic.  It took you this long?  Yesterdays non-stop crying spree didn't show you that?  She tells us his crying made her want to start laughing, kind of like any time she sees starving children or homeless people.

Next Matt goes to Sharon, whining that being alone is one of his fears in life.  Don't worry Matt, as long as Natalie is around, you'll never be alone.  When you're at home, at the movies, on the toilet, Natalie will be there to keep you company.  Sharon confirms in the DR that Matt didn't fool her for a second, and he's a moron.  As if we didn't already know it.

After that Matt goes to talk to the only person on the planet stupid enough to believe his crap, the single mother with an unwritten book for sale, Sheila.  Matt goes through his spiel, and to my amazement, Sheila doesn't buy it.  Yes, even Sheila thinks Matt is full of crap, and she thinks that people will buy her book!  When Sheila doesn't fall for your lies, you know your in trouble.

Matt's ego is on full display as he yells in the DR that he can't figure out why the women aren't all giving him a vote.  Ooh, because they're not emotionally unstable puppets with charcoal for brains!  Unlike you.  Matt says the women not doing what he wants with no gain for them is really aggravating him, but he comes across less as aggravated and more as whiny.

The editing makes it look like a day passes, except everyone is wearing the same clothing, so either these idiots don't know how to take their clothes off without help (a possibility), or the editing on this show is shit.  I probably shouldn't comment, but the editing on this show is terrible.  They splice seemingly unconnected clips together, without rhyme or reason, all the fucking time.  I mean, if I notice how bad it is, it must be shit.

Anyway, Matt is in the backyard with Sharon, Sheila, and Chelsia, and decides that it is again time to beg for votes.  Chelsia tells him to either pay her fee for an hour, or shut up about the vote.  Ryan isn't campaigning, which is the smartest choice he's ever made since he knows that Matt will crash and burn.  Matt says he isn't trying to campaign either.  Yeah!  All he's doing is bugging the hell out of Chelsia, and begging people for votes, why would doing that imply he's campaigning?

Matt starts to whine he wants to know what he's done to get people to want him to go, telling Chelsia he voted for her to stay (when?), and he starts to pick a fight with her when she doesn't promise him her vote right away!  What an idiot.

Matt yells that Ryan betrayed everyone, yelling at Chelsia (not exactly), taking the 10 grand away from Sheila (the prize that was his to take that Sheila did not win), and he had the audacity to put James on the block.  Yeah, and all Matt did was declare himself King and yell at Asshole and James when James was nominated.  Ryan so totally deserves to go home for, uh, because!  Chelsia admits that Ryan put her on the block, leaving out the part where James told Ryan to do it, or the part where Ryan gave Chelsia the Veto.

Sheila DRs that Matt made "a convincing argument".  Because when I think convincing, I think "yelling over everyone else and being a jackass".  Sheila is now going to vote to evict the partner free Ryan, and keep Matt who has the loyalty of both Adam and Natalie over her.  There's the Sheila I've come to know and loathe, I was getting worried for a second.  Nope, Sheila showed me that she's still her, unable to make a simple decision without fucking it up.  Sheila says people are to quick to forgive Ryan, and to buy her fucking book.

Matt says he doesn't want to beg for a vote (to late), and that he wants a fare shake.  What?  Sheila thinks that it'll now be a split vote, so she runs off to the HOH room.  James is in there, and Sheila begins with a line of crap about how Matt hasn't screwed anyone.  Well except when he promised Allison his vote and didn't give it.  Or when he said he'd never vote for James, and did.  Or when he voted for Ryan and Allison in week 1.  But if you ignore all of those times, and several I'm not mentioning, Matt hasn't screwed anyone!

Sheila brings up Matt's point, that he hasn't done anything to Sharon, Sheila, and Chelsia.  It's probably a good thing that Sheila doesn't know that Matt was going to evict her, isn't it?  Also Sheila, Matt has done a LOT to James, including evicting him and not voting him back in.  You can't use the "Matt hasn't done anything to us" on someone Matt fucked over!  Sheila says that James being nominated "shocked her", and tells James what a despicable person Ryan is.  Except, Sheila you were the one who sold Ryan on nominating James, making you both a liar and a hypocrite!  Kiss my ass Sheila.

Sheila's self-righteous bullshit is honestly so nauseating that I have to skip to the end of this scene.  James says in the DR that he'd prefer both of them gone, while telling Sheila she made good points, just so Sheila will go away.  Sheila does so since her ego has been stroked, while James opinion has not changed one bit.

The Chenbot tells us that we'll next get to see a clip of last seasons winner Dick Donato and his daughter Danielle, about what they're doing after the game ended.  Danielle I hate so much that I mentally group her in with this group of idiots, so I will not be covering the clip of the two of them.

First we get some nonsensical DR sessions meant to trick us into believing Matt has a chance.  Asshole is allies with Ryan, which means Ryan will get his vote, duh.  Adam gives a psychotic speech without blinking, about campaigning and Matt owing him(?).  Adam says "from the day one, Ryan's been my friend", which is why he's keeping someone who is less trustworthy around.  Nice work Adam.  Natalie is crazy and keeping Matt, though she thinks if she talks to God, He'll arrange it so she can keep both of them.

The Chenbot decides to stall this more by talking with the idiots in the living room.  First up is James, and the Chenbot actually asks a good question.  I know, I was stunned too.  She asks how James justifies being a moralist douchebag who talked about keeping his "word", only to break it by nominating Matt.  I shall post James response, with all the bullshit removed.

James:  Well Julie, I'm special because I ride a bike and I'm not in it for commercial reasons, I want to win the money to inspire people to ride bikes.  I have no fucking idea what I'm saying, and I want to die my pubes pink.  I'm awesome like that.  So yeah, I broke my word but it's okay since I live on the street and eat out of a dumpster, this somehow makes me a more down to earth and less shallow person then the others.

The Chenbot asks Natalie what her thoughts are.

Natalie: GOD'S WILL BE DONE!  I am God's Warrior Princess, and if Matt goes tonight, James head will be on a pike!  Because I can do that and it'll be okay.  I have a note from God that says so, and the voices in my head tell me James deserves to die.  And that I'm pretty.

Chenbot: That's good Natalie-

Natalie:  No I didn't give Matt a blowjob, stop accusing me!  Your eyes are accusing me!  (pulls out a red-hot poker) YOUR EYES HAVE SINNED AND MUST DIE!

(TV goes to static, as houseguests wrestle the poker from Natalie's hands)

Chenbot:...

"Who here is deluded enough
to think America likes them?"

The Chenbot calls on Matt, Adam, and Ryan, referring to them by that stupid Bible Buddy nickname.  She asks Adam how tall Ryan is, to which he responds "three cubits".  Ryan is 4'6"?  The Chenbot brings up the Mystery Box, and the mere mention of that makes me suppress vomiting.  The Chenbot decides it's time to reveal who was in the Mystery Box, and then they'll vote...no wait, they voted last week, they're telling us who was in that box a fucking week later!  Because that makes perfect sense, right?  The Chenbot reveals it was Alex in the box, and you can see both Adam and Natalie mentally face palm, since Alex would have nominated Chelsia and probably Sharon.  Which means that, thanks to Adam and Natalie, Matt will be going home.  Nice work guys.

We see Dick and Danielle next.  I don't care, and you don't know who they are.  All you need to know is that BB8 also sucked, and I'm reeeeally considering ripping it apart some day.

It could happen

The Chenbot says that Evel Dick (yes that is what they call him) will be hosting the next Veto competition.  I'll cover my thoughts on Evel Dick then.

We get more pointless DR sessions.   Chelsia wants Matt gone since he's "tried to be the puppet master" since day one, and he gypped her last time she gave him a handjob.  Sharon says something, but she is so boring that they don't let her finish her sentence before cutting to Sheila!  People, I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Sheila says that Matt's eyes have never attacked her or something to that effect, and she doesn't want to make the ultimate choice to who goes home.  Don't worry Sheila, you don't have to.  You can vote for Ryan, force a tie, and cause James to send Matt home, or you can realize you're PLAYING A FUCKING GAME, and vote for Matt to go willingly.

It's finally time for the live vote, oh thank Christ.  First both nominees get a finally chance to beg for votes.  Ryan gives the exact same speech he's given the last two times he was on the block, it's boring and I don't care.  Adam grins like an idiot the entire time Ryan talks.  Then we get Matt.

Matt:(starts to tear up) I don't wanna go home for my birthday, I don't want to be alone, I'm going to die alone, my mommy will die alone, Natalie will die alone, have I mentioned I'm the king?  Muckeling!

It's at this point that I must point out that this episode aired in mid-March.  Matt's birthday is in April.  So according to Matt, if they evict him now, they'll spend THREE WEEKS not evicting anyone.  That's the only fucking way Matt is spending his birthday alone.

Time to vote.  Chelsia wants to keep paying customers, so she votes to evict Matt.  Asshole votes for Matt to go, smiling like he just made Natalie cry.  Sharon evicts Matt.  Natalie has been obsessed with Matt since day one, and votes to evict Ryan.  Adam is closer with Ryan and can trust him more, and thus votes to evict Matt Ryan.  Finally Sheila fails at voting, and votes to evict Ryan.  Don't worry Sheila, Ryan will one day repay the favor.

With a three-three split, Matt will be leaving just as soon as James casts his vote.  The Chenbot announces the tie, and Matt's face drops like someone told him "muckeling" is not a word.  He knows whats coming, and it happens.  James stands up, and evicts Matt, making Matt the first member of the jury.  Meaning this season is entering the last phase.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Bye Matt, see ya!  Don't let the door hit your inflated head on the way out!  Matt gets a few hugs, and is quickly out the door.  Natalie tries to hang on, and Matt almost lets her.  Let it go Matt, you're a loser, go home.  And he does.

The King is dead!  Long live the King!  The King is dead!  Long live the King!

Matt looks pissed as he sits for his interview with the Chenbot.  I've decided I'm going to start covering these too, and I'll eventually go back and add my commentary on the other exit interviews.  I've decided to cover them since they're so stupid, why wouldn't I cover them?  Sure they can be boring, but the Chenbot is so bad at this, that I'm going to risk being dull and cover them.

The Chenbot points out that Matt looks devastated, and he admits that he is since he figured he had swung Sheila's vote and that would be enough.  Because when six people are voting, you only need three to stay, right?  Matt whines that he didn't backdoor James last week, he just gloated about it, referred to himself as "king", and acted like an ass.  The Chenbot asks why he didn't campaign more to James, and Matt whines that it's like talking to a wall.  Well Matt you have the personality of a wall, surely that would give you some kind of inside info to relate to James.

Now it's time to talk about Natalie.  The Chenbot asks what his feelings are on Natalie.  Essentially, Matt will consider her relationship material whenever she can do things for him, and if she can't then she's just a good friend.  Matt says that Natalie is an NFL Cheerleader, which deserves a bit of explanation.  Natalie claims that she's a Seattle Seahawks cheerleader.  Yes really.  How the hell did she sell them on that lie?  Do people really think the Seahawks want to hire a blowjob dispensing, Bible thumping, lactating moron who can't dance?

We watch the good-bye messages that the other idiots recorded for Matt.  James says Matt's a nice guy (no he isn't), but he has a shitty attitude.  Sheila rambles, and her message clearly was recorded when she was still planning on evicting Matt.  Ryan says he'll miss Matt, causing Matt to start crying AGAIN!  How many times has Matt sobbed this episode?  I lost count at 1,497,579,206 times.  Natalie says Matt is still her soul mate, and despite being torn up, she doesn't cry.  See Matt, some people actually can make it five seconds without crying.  With that, Matt is gone and off to the jury house, something the Chenbot claims is an achievement.

Who gives a fuck, time for the HOH competition!  The competition is called "En Garde", a face-off competition.  Much like Veto prize competitions, they tend to do these once a season.  Two people face off answering questions.  The first person to buzz in correctly stays in the competition.  If you buzz in wrong, you are out.  If no one buzzes in, both idiots are out.  In this case, the questions are things that the first seven evicted houseguests (Neil who?) said.

Asshole and Chelsia are up first.  The statement is from Parker, Asshole guesses Jen, and is out.  Chelsia picks Natalie and Sheila.  The statement is from Allison, and is a statement that Sheila was around to hear.  So it should be no surprise that Natalie guesses Allison and eliminates Sheila (this is where I burst out laughing).  Sheila is so bad at competitions, she couldn't figure out who said "We can be whatever we want in this house", even though it was being said to her!

Next up are Chelsia and Sharon.  The statement is from Jen, which Chelsia gets.  She selects Adam and Natalie to compete next.  The statement is Matt's often repeated "You can't trust a kid with a pink mohawk", which Adam gets.  Natalie is gone, leaving Ryan and Chelsia to face off.

The next statement is from Alex, which Chelsia gets, eliminating Ryan.  It's down to Adam and Chelsia.  The Chenbot begins asking the question, but Adam jumps in.  By process of elimination, the statement could have only come from Amanda, meaning Adam is now HOH.

We're halfway done.  It's only going to be...well the same really, from here.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?

Big Brother 9 - Episode 16

Previously on Big Brother: Natalie is an Idiot with Nice Tits (trust me, this will make much more sense very soon), our idiots competed in a disco themed HOH challenge, which ended with the newly returned James winning.  Natalie gave him the win, making a deal, Matt and her are both safe.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it, she and Matt are safe.  James agreed, and nominated Ryan and Sheila.  Oh, and Ryan, Adam, and Matt became the "Bible Buddies", which CBS desperately tried to convince us was interesting.  Spoiler, it wasn't.

Before I continue, I must say that this episode, Episode 16 is very special.  Why?  Well, I'll tell you that later.  I can tell you that it has to deal with the never ending misery and woe that is this show.

We start with a flashback to the nomination ceremony.  One thing I didn't mention was James self-righteous speech to Sheila.  Sheila was nominated because she gave James her word, and to quote James "Your word is all you have in this house".  Oh James.  You make my job to easy.  I'm going to roast you over a fucking fire, just you wait.

Like all "good" episodes, it begins with Sheila whining in the DR about being on the block.  However, Sheila is certain that the people who "I think have my back" will save her.  Yes, such people as....Adam!  It's worth mentioning that, though it wasn't shown on the show, Ryan has an alliance with Sharon, Asshole, Adam, Matt, and Natalie.  Five votes.  Out of six people voting.  I really hope that the jury house is nice Sheila.

Natalie and her boobs are just happy James kept his word.  Since your word is all you have.  Most important thing you can have according to James.  Also, does anyone else notice that Natalie likes to hold her arms out in the DR?  What is with that?  She looks like she's on the bow of the Titanic.  Though really, when you consider how Natalie's game turned out, Titanic is appropriate.  Anyway, Natalie is convinced James is now protecting Matt, and Matt will protect him back.  Yeah right.

Matt is happy that he's safe, thanking Natalie in the DR, but not to her face.  I understand that, if you give the crazy ones hope, they'll never leave you alone.  James is thrilled with himself in the DR, calling Ryan and Sheila backstabbers.  Well, true, but you screwed Matt first.  You were in an alliance with him, and you almost immediately turned against him!  Hell you lead the campaign for Ryan to except that idiotic "two-week safety" deal.

We transition to Matt and Natalie in the Storage room.  Matt says their should be more people like Natalie in the world.  Wait, what?

Okay, I think he means...wait, what?

Their should be more women who lie about pregnancies to get boob jobs, who get abortions because they can't be bothered with birth control, who give blow jobs to random strangers, who lactate non-stop, who read the Bible without obeying any of it, who accuse their enemies of being evil, who run around with tin-foil hats on sprinkling home made Holy water on things, who paint pictures of mermaids in nail polish, who stalk random guido losers, and who have DR sessions with their arms held super far out?  Their should be more people like that?

Well Matt and Natalie keep talking, and I finally get what Matt means.  Natalie thinks only about Matt, to the point of hurting her game.  Matt thinks their should be more people who only think about him.  You know, that really doesn't surprise me.  Matt does promise to put himself on the line for her, if she needs it, but Natalie tells him not to...and he doesn't even argue the point with her.  So if Natalie needs you to put yourself in danger for her, you're going to sit on your ass and do nothing?  Nice job Sir Galahad.

Matt does admit in the DR that now he couldn't see himself voting to evict Natalie.  Uh, what about before?  When Natalie argued votes for you, tried to win challenges for you, helped save you from the friggin' block when Ryan was HOH?  You suck Matt.

Anyway, he promises to massage Natalie every day this week.  Whatever.  We move to the Bathroom, where Ryan and Asshole are talking.  Ryan is confirming that Asshole has his back, which Asshole does.  Even Asshole doesn't want to side with James.

Asshole gives us a non-DR, where he tells us that he's going to keep acting like he and Ryan have an alliance and...keep having an alliance with him.  Also, if Ryan is evicted it's good, and if Ryan stays it's good.  Thanks CBS, we really needed to know that.

From there we go to the Boat Room, where Sheila is curled up in a bright red ball.  Sheila looks distraught, probably because she has yet to make someone else life a living hell today.  Ryan comes in, and Sheila lights up right way, because since Ryan is on the block, it'll be easy to make his life a living hell!

Sheila starts on that, pointing out the hypocrisy of James being mad they lied to his face, when according to him, everyone in the house did.  Thanks Sheila, it must make Ryan feel good knowing his fate rests in the whims of a crazy man.  They take turns saying "huge", while wondering when exactly it became wrong to lie in a game built on lying.  Ooh!  Ooh!  I know this one!  It became wrong when the pink-haired, moralist douche bag won HOH!

Ryan says being nominated is the worst thing that could happen, don't see how.  If you're nominated, you could be evicted.  Then, you wouldn't be in Big Brother 9.  Ryan, you could not be in Big Brother 9.  That's a very good thing.  Sheila has a completely reasonable plan for how to save herself.  She'll win POV.

....
......
.........
...........
.............Yeah, (ha!) good luck with that Sheila.  You'll win POV, and I'll win the lottery every week for a year.  While being struck by lightning.  And abducted by aliens.  The two of them agree, they need a miracle.  Well Sheila, if the miracle doesn't happen, you can always fall back on plan B.  Selling your fucking book that STILL hasn't been written.

Oh fuck me, we're back to the piss-licking Bible Buddies.  I mean, we transition to the Log Cabin Room, as knock-off Gregorian chants play, and we see it's time to revisit the piss-licking Bible Buddies.  I feel dirty bringing God into this season, but if I don't, Natalie will.

God has better things to do then Big Brother.  God has better things to do then any reality show, so any time you bring God into it, God is distancing Himself from you.  All three of you Bible Buddy nitwits, Matt, Ryan, and Adam.  Oh, and the Ark of the Covenant does hold a copy of the Ten Commandments, Adam you fucking dumbass!

The only thing we discover from this scene is that these three idiots are planning to use the prize money from winning Big Brother...to go out and find the Ark of the Covenant.  Yes!  Because it's just that easy to find the most important relic in the history of the human race!  No one else has found it because they just haven't tried, but now with the Bible Braintrust working, the Ark will be found in no time.

Between these pinheads deciding to do this, and Bren-DUN from S12 declaring he'd use the prize money "to find the cure for cancer" in six weeks, I start to wonder if CBS is slipping these people stupid pills.  I mean, I have trouble believing even these people could be that dumb.

"So, what would it be like
to have a personality?"
"I dunno, it's a dream."

From that stupidity, we move to the backyard where we see Sharon and Sheila, waiting to suck all the excitement out of this episode.  Adam walks out there, and Sheila says he looks nice.  Alright Sheila, what do you want?  Never mind the fact that Adam looks like a hobgoblin that was repeatedly hit in the face with a meat-mallet, you never say anything nice unless you want something.  So what is it?  Sheila next apologizes to Adam for anything mean she did to him at the beginning of the game, though she can't name any (I however can name twenty).  Run Adam!  Flee!  She's probably about to ask you for your eternal soul, or your first born!

Sheila continues to kiss Adam's ugly ass, telling him that she doesn't want to be mean to him anymore.  Huh, it's funny Sheila no longer wanted to be mean to Adam when she was on the block, and he wasn't.  You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear Sheila is prostituting herself for votes!  Oh come on Sheila, turning tricks to get ahead is what Chelsia does, you could do better then that.

Sheila tells us in the DR that she wanted Adam to know how sorry she was.  I start to believe she is sorry, until Sheila mentions "I think I have Adam's support, I really do", and then it all comes crashing down.  Sheila was working Adam for a vote, nothing more, nothing less.  Adam says he's just your normal, run of the mill drug dealer, and Sheila says she wouldn't call him normal.  Well true, if anyone I knew looked like this-

I wouldn't call them normal either.  Sheila calls Adam a good person, and Adam starts clapping his hands like the special needs case he is.  

From there, we jump ahead in time to night.  James, Chelsia, and Asshole (or as I call them), the BB9 Chimera Alliance, are sitting in the hot tub.  All of a sudden, Natalie is there too.  No explanation, no reason, just boom!, random cut to Natalie.  Monkeys could have done a better job editing this show.

James says this could be the worst week ever for Ryan, smiling about it the whole time.  Good to know that it's not personal James.  Chelsia does a really bad imitation of Ryan, about how he was pissed at Natalie just because she fucked up their entire game plan and alliance by voting James back in.

The Chimera Alliance continues to discuss the third vote, while James smugs about how everyone else will start showing their true colors again "because that's how they play the game".  You can actually hear the self-righteousness dripping from his mouth as he says this.

We follow Natalie into the kitchen, as her stalkertastic voice over admits she's lying to people just to keep Matt safe.  Natalie, listen to me.  Matt sucks.  He's a wannabe guido.  He's a tool bag.  He'll be in prison soon.  You could do better.  You could pick up a guy from the free clinic, and do better.  We watch Natalie and her cleavage tell Sharon that "A-baller always goes with the majority", and he thought the majority wasn't bringing James back.  Except, if Adam always goes with the majority, then he would have known which way everyone was voting, and voted for James to come back.  Meaning Natalie's attempts to save Matt, have actually given away that he voted against James coming back.  Nice work Nutalie.

In fact, Sharon immediately tells us in the DR that Natalie's lie was...well, obviously a lie, and now Sharon knows that Matt cast the third vote to keep James out.  So not only did this not help Matt, it actually hurt him.  Well, Natalie still has that deal with James, which James will keep!  Because the only thing you have in this game is your "word".

We move from those two, to the most intelligent, likable houseguests of this season, the guinea pigs.  Oh shit, their cage now contains blocks spelling out POV.  Damn it CBS, does your evil know no bounds?  Must you torture the best guests by forcing them to compete with the idiots in the POV?  Or did you feed the POV to one of the guinea pigs?

Asshole immediately notices the letters, showing them to Ryan.  This just blows Ryan and Asshole's minds, three blocks that spell out POV.  Mind you, they know nothing about the POV challenge from the letters, they just know the guinea pigs can spell POV.  Which makes them smarter then Natalie.  And Sheila.  And Adam.  And Chelsia.  And Matt.  And Ryan.  And Asshole...etc.

Asshole gives us a super giddy DR, as he explains the three blocks spelling POV obviously mean Power Of Veto.  Well no shit.  He runs out and tells Sharon, Chelsia, and Natalie, who are standing in the hot tub without getting in, while showing off their boobs to each other.  The idea that their are three blocks spelling out POV so blows Natalie's mind that she rushes off to check it out herself.  Chelsia follows, commenting that they'll be staring at it all night.  Given that Natalie is not moving, or blinking, I suspect Chelsia is right.

Sheila points out that the blocks are also the same colors as the colors of the stick toy in the cage, blue, green, and red.  Except, not.  The stick toy is made up of four colors.  One of them is yellow.  Did you really forget that it has four colors Sheila?  Or that, it's just a toy?  And the colors of the fucking blocks do not matter one iota?  I'm starting to wonder if those blocks were put in just to mess with these morons since, let's be honest, messing with them is not that difficult.

Sheila tells us in the DR, that when the blocks said POV, her first thought was "Okay, I need to win the Power Of Veto".  What?  So if the blocks had said VOP, you would have thought "Okay, I need to loose the Veto Of Power"?  Sheila, I think that unitard is cutting off circulation to your brain.  Anyway, Natalie and Sheila obsessively focus on the guinea pig cage, because the best thing to do the night before a challenge is not sleep.  They rant at each other like the pair of escaped mental patients they are, and I can barely follow any of it.

Natalie tells Sheila to study the three blocks spelling POV, because that'll help a lot.  Sheila takes Natalie's suggestion to mean that Natalie wants to evict Sheila, and Sheila doesn't have her vote.  Sheila, you don't even have Adam's vote.  I'm not kidding when I say this, Ryan is a much bigger threat, but five out of the six people voting would keep him because Sheila drives them fucking nuts.  Can you see why!?  One comment from Natalie sent Sheila into a paranoid tailspin where she became convinced that she doesn't have anyones vote and everyone is out to get her!  Mind you, she's right, but Sheila's ego is so huge that she couldn't possibly conceive people not liking her.  No, they must want to vote her out because she's a huge threat, for some reason, that must be it.

Sheila then runs off into the Boat Room, crying uncontrollably while DR Sheila tells us this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do.  Please note that what set Sheila off was Natalie telling her to study for the POV, since she's ON THE FUCKING BLOCK and might want to win the Veto!  Also, remember when Sheila said she wasn't going to cry in the house?  How long did that last again?  Well in Sheila's defense, I can't tell if she's crying, or about to molest that pillow.  Could be either.

We watch Natalie head into the backyard, where Chelsia, Asshole, Sharon, James, and Adam all are.  Natalie starts ranting about how much Sheila is whining about being on the block and how annoying it is.  Preaching to the fucking choir lady.  The group decides to play a joke on Sheila, whose now asleep, by waking her up and telling her the Veto ceremony is right now.  It's not funny, I don't care, and worst of all, I had to see Sheila in her bra!  (Vomits).

After that, it actually is time for the Veto, or rather, time to pick players.  James picks Matt's name from the bag, and Matt gives a very arrogant DR where he says winning and losing don't matter for him in this Veto.  Oh Matt, muscles so big and a head so empty.  Every Veto matters, more so then HOH.  It means that you're not going home that week.  You're relying on James keeping his word.  Then again, as James said, your "word" is all you have in this game.

Sheila draws Chelsia, meaning four of my remaining least favorites will now be competing.  If Ryan draws Asshole's name, we'll have a least favorite royal flush!  Holy shit, he actually does it!  Even as Natalie tells Ryan's hand to draw her name (yes really), Ryan draws Asshole's name instead.

Ryan thinks Asshole will take him off the block since they have a secret alliance, somehow forgetting that for a secret alliance to work, it must remain secret.  James picks Natalie to host, and she get's so happy, you'd think Matt just acknowledged her existence.  Sheila coincidentally is no longer in her unitard, since a week is up.  Yes, we no longer have to see the outline of Sheila's tits and ass in bright red, what a tragedy.

Sheila says she's not going to piggy-back a win off of Natalie and Matt, she'll go in there and win for her.  Alright, first off Sheila, Natalie is not competing.  She's hosting.  If you could piggy-back a win off of her, I'd be stunned.  Second, you suck at everything!  Every challenge you have sucked at Sheila, physical and mental, leading me to wonder whether the muscles in your arms are weaker then the one in your head.  Third, stop telling us how important the fucking Veto is, we get it, you want to win.  If you just watched this episode, without watching the one that came before it, you'd forget that Ryan is both on the block, and the fucking main target.  It's a testament to how much Sheila whines I suppose.

They head out into the backyard where their are several balance beams set up, with a square container set up on the left end, and a cylinder set up on the right end.  The square container is full of blocks.  You can just tell this challenge will be a thrill a minute.  Chelsia describes the backyard as looking like a huge guinea pig cage, as guinea pigs are known for their skill on the balance beam.

Natalie begins reading the challenge description, pointing out that they've been in the house for thirty-six says (Oh fuck me, only thirty-six!?), and it's time to pay tribute to another set of caged houseguests, the much more interesting and lovable guinea pigs.  Can we watch them instead?

Of course not, instead we get to watch the "challenge".  Players have five hundred wooden blocks, and must transport them two at a time, from the square cage into the tube on the right end.  If you fall of, or drop one block, you're out.  The first person to transport all their blocks and put their Veto cap on the tub wins.  So yes, this is a challenge that combines the thrill of watching people walk back and forth, with the excitement of carrying small items from point A to point B.  Wow, how could anyone honestly think this would make a good challenge?  Seriously, it's people walking back and forth, putting wooden blocks in a tube and trying not to fall over.  Who thought this was a good idea?

Yes the challenge is boring, but that doesn't mean it has to be a complete wash.  You can generate tension or drama as long as we care about whose on the block.  The problem is we don't, Sheila is a bitch and Ryan is boring.  I say evict all nine of them and start Season 10 right now.

Sheila tells us in the DR that she's not going to let anyone throw her off, she'll focus on what she came here to do.  Yes Sheila, you do that.  Just keep thinking about how you're here to promote the sale of your fucking book, and that'll propel you to victory somehow.

Ryan also wants the Veto, but being built like the Pillsbury Doughboy does not lend itself to balance.  Matt jokes around a lot, and falls on purpose.  Asshole laughs about how "big fat Matt" fell off, much like I'll be laughing when big fat Asshole gets evicted.

Ryan says he started off slow, but steadily sped up, until he fell off.  Well, he hadn't been planning on falling off, but he still did, and thus Ryan is gone.  Ryan want's Asshole to win, since he's under the mistaken assumption that Asshole would take him off the block.   We briefly get to see how the four still remaining are doing, James and Asshole are in the lead, while Sheila is far, far behind.

Natalie tells Sheila she might need to pick up the pace, and Sheila snipes that she's not going to pick up the pace.  She's to fat to pick up the pace, so why should she try?  Sheila DR's that it doesn't matter if you got all 500 blocks in, because if you fall, you were out.  Except, the first person who gets the 500 in wins, nice to see you were paying attention Sheila.  Sheila says she'll take her time, followed immediately by a shot of Sheila dropping a block, thus eliminating herself from the game.  It's always nice to see someones stupid strategy come back to bite them in the ass.

Sheila whines in the DR that dropping the block might have cost her the game, and she wanted to win the money to make her life better for her kid.  Bullshit, as anyone who watched the live feeds knows, Sheila came in this house for one reason.  To promote her stupid book that still has not been written!  Speaking of this DR, remember a week ago about how offended you were at Chelsia accusing you of playing the "Single Mom" card?  Chelsia was (and I can't believe I'm saying this) fucking correct!  You're playing the Single Mom card right now, you hypocrite bitch!

Chelsia is in the lead, but it only lasts a second, as she runs to drop more blocks and accidentally wipes out against the tube.  It looks like it really hurts to, which means that not only is Chelsia out, her wipe-out is about to be my new desktop picture.  Nah, I wouldn't do that.  Maybe if Asshole were to fall, and slam his head against a rock, but not Chelsia.  The thought of having to see Chelsia every time I turned my computer on, even in pain, is just to horrible to think about.

With the non-threat of Asshole left in the challenge, James wins easily, calling it a "fucking sweep".  Much like King Matt, you can tell being safe hasn't gone to James' head at all.  Ryan feels helpless, James feels cocky, and Natalie is crazy, but none of this is news.

We see Sheila in the Red Bedroom with Matt, Sharon, and Natalie, whining that she has to campaign, but she's not good at kissing people's asses.  Oh come on Sheila, that's not true!  We saw you verbally rimming Adam's asshole like a fucking pro, few people can kiss ass like you.  Sheila hopes they'll have her back, and since she's openly fought with Sharon's ex-partner, and was willing to evict Matt until Chelsia accused her of playing the single mom card, I don't think I'd feel to confident if I were her.

Natalie admits keeping Sheila around would be really difficult, and Sheila...makes this face:

What emotion is Sheila expressing here?  I dunno, I think Natalie's comment caused Sheila's pea brain to snap in two.  Sheila whines in the DR that Natalie is ungrateful, and Sheila has done so much for Matt and her, like...uh, I really have no idea.  Ryan was never going to put Matt up, so she didn't really help keep Matt off, plus she'd been going after evicting the two of them for a spell while everyone was still playing as couples. Even if Sheila did do something for them, they don't owe you jackshit Sheila.  This is an individual game, and if you're arrogant enough to believe people should roll over because they "owe" you, then maybe you deserve to go home.

Natalie points out that Sheila and Ryan helped save Matt, something Sheila protests to.  Sheila alone did it, since she both held the Veto and the HOH last week and got to make nominations!  No wait, Ryan held the HOH and Chelsia held the Veto, Sheila held a unitard.  As this argument continues, I can't help but notice Matt leaving.  You can guess who will have his vote.  

Sheila gives a veeeery crazy rant, claiming that Natalie knows what she's about, while waving her hands around.  In the DR, the whining continues (you'd think Sheila would need to pause to breath by now), as Sheila says Natalie having a hard choice between her two friends disgusted her.  No matter how much Sheila tries to guilt her into it, Natalie is considering saving Ryan and do what will help her own game.  How dare Natalie have free will and not think of how best to help Sheila's game!?

Sheila goes to Adam to complain, and I can't help but notice that Adam isn't promising Sheila his vote.  If it isn't clear, Sheila will be going home if the nominations stay the same.  Sadly, their are still fifteen minutes of episode left, and time for plans to change.  Until then, we continue to watch Sheila melt down, as she comes to the realization that she isn't the beloved and popular creature she thinks she is.  Sheila admits that she's finally realized that "nobody owes you anything".  And it only took her thirty-six days to figure this out.

We finally leave Sheila behind, and cut to the backyard where Matt, Adam, and James are playing pool.  James knows one of them didn't vote to bring him back, and since Matt was nearly backdoored because of his actions, James is leaning towards Adam.  The best player of the season!  Alright, you only know he was originally leaning towards Adam if you watched the live feeds, but my gripe still applies.  

Next we see Sheila and James together in the HOH.  That much hypocrisy in one room causes the HOH room to explode, as it just can't handle that much!  Not after Season 8.  

God I wish the HOH had exploded, it would be a lot more interesting then this.

Sheila is now whining to James, saying she has to clear the air, and her being on the block makes her sick.  Nah, really?  I'd have never guessed, especially since I've only mentioned Sheila whining to someone five billion times in the last five minutes.  Sheila gives a very nasty tirade to James about Adam, calling him nutless and spineless for refusing to give in and just do what Sheila wanted.  No, I'm not making this up!  Sheila rants that Adam is untrustworthy, before saying she isn't throwing Adam under the bus.  What the hell could I possibly add to this?  Nothing, I need to say nothing to make this funny, Sheila is doing it all on her own.  

Anyway, Sheila doesn't want to throw Adam under the bus, but James should take her off the block, and put up (then evict) Adam instead.  James acknowledges that Adam thinks he has everyone fooled.  Fooled into thinking...what?  That he's playing the game?  Because if you two morons believe that, then the jokes on you. James refuses to give Sheila a definitive answer, simply saying that both Adam and Matt are guilty to him.

We watch James walk into the Log Cabin room, where the idiots are napping for the fifteenth time today.  He pulls on Adam's foot, and the two head off to the HOH.  James tells Adam that they're throwing him under the bus, and Adam immediately thinks this means Sheila is throwing him under the bus.  Sheila, you were wondering earlier if you had Adam's vote.  Yeah, I think I have an answer for you.

Adam gives a very whigger speech, that largely amounts to Adam saying he voted James back.  James in the DR says that this almost made him think Adam was the third vote to keep James out.  The best player of the season at work folks!

The next scene begins, as James walks into the Bathroom, where Asshole is shaving his neck and polishing his horns.  James tells him he's using the Veto, because James is a goddamn idiot.  You don't know which one it was who voted you out, you nimrod.  Unless you know for certain, don't change the fucking nominations.  Asshole is stunned, since it makes no sense to change nominations, it makes more sense to campaign to get rid of Ryan.  But then again, James and "sense" should never be used in the same sentence.

Chelsia shows up, and she and James head off to talk.  James tells Chelsia he's using the Veto to put Adam up, since Adam is obviously some kind of mastermind in the house, and needs to be gone now!  James gives his reasons, and it amounts to some very Sheila inspired whining about Adam thinking for himself and not giving James his vote a week ago.  

James and Chelsia head up to the HOH, where James has a strategy hard-on that only Chelsia can fix.  Oh yeah.  James in the DR admits he can do this a lot of ways, he can take Ryan or Sheila off.  Yep, a grand total of two off.  James chooses to talk to Sharon, since he needs the opinion of every member of his alliance, be they human or human-furniture.  Chelsia runs and retrieves Sharon, whose busy yapping with Asshole.  

James says the four of them have to stick together, like how Asshole voted to evict James, or James expected  Sharon to evict herself for him.  With that kind of stick-togetherness, it's a wonder that Team Christ will completely decimate these guys.  Also, I must say that Sharon looks unusually tan.  She looks like she's been baked in an oven for a few hours, or tanning with butter.  Weird.  

Sharon and James have a long, boring conversation that ends with Sharon telling James the fucking obvious.  That Adam voted him back in and Matt was the mystery vote.  But since James gave Natalie his "word" it doesn't matter.  All you have in your game is your "word", and to go back on it would make you a douchebag.  You wouldn't happen to be a douche, would you James?

With the mystery vote figured out, Chelsia and James discuss what to do.  If they take Sheila off and throw up Matt, James will get rid of a threat, but Natalie might go a little crazy.  James, the crazy train left the station a looooong time ago.  Besides, you can't nominate Matt.  You gave your "word".

James tells us in the DR that he made a promise to Natalie, but Matt's been lying to James, so screw him.  I'm going to respond by quoting my last post.:

"Natalie turns to James, and get's him to promise her safety.  He agrees.  Then she asks for Matt's safety, and again he agrees.  Remember that point, James agreed to keep Matt safe, period.  Nothing else, Matt is safe, and doesn't go on the block.  It doesn't matter that Matt didn't vote for James to come back, James agreed to keep Matt safe."

Funny how James only chooses to remember his promises when it's convenient, while at the same time preaching about how important your "word" is.

It's finally time for the fucking Veto ceremony.  James and his self-righteousness come out, and he gives both Ryan and Sheila a chance to say why they should be saved.  Ryan gives a bland speech amounting to nothing.  Sheila gives a rambling and whiny speech, also amounting to nothing.  With that out of the way, James uses the Veto to save Sheila, who sobs for the 34,981th time this episode in response.  I must say for the last time, that James began this week by talking about how important your "word" is.  But James and his word can go fuck themselves, and Matt goes up on the block.  

As Matt goes up, you can see something inside of Natalie snap.  From this point onward, Crazy Natalie will really be coming out to play.  If you thought she was bad before, just you wait, it's about to get worse from here.

In the DR, Matt begins to BREAK DOWN AND CRY!!!! over being nominated.  Well, at least you've kept your dignity, King Matt.  Ryan feels a lot better, since his name isn't Matt, he's not the target anymore.  Natalie is so mad that she almost expresses an emotion.  She says James is full of crap because his eyes are dark brown (what?).  Natalie then dials up the madness by claiming God will avenge her, even though Natalie hasn't been nominated, Matt has.  Also, if God wanted to avenge anyone, he'd avenge the viewer by causing this house to get devoured by a sinkhole.  

Thankfully though, things are about to get better.  As I mentioned, this is a very special episode.  Why is it?  This is the halfway point of the season.  Only sixteen more episodes to go from here.  WooHoo!

WHO WILL SURVIVE?