Big Brother 9 - Episode 17

Previously on Big Brother: All You Have Is Your Word And Your Word Ain't Worth Shit, Matt had been an arrogant bastard, referring to himself as King when Ryan was HOH, then fucked up the next HOH challenge when James came back into the house.  Matt was given safety though when Natalie made a deal with James to protect both her and Matt.  James agreed, and nominated Sheila and Ryan, giving an extremely self-righteous speech about the importance of your "word".  James then won the Veto, found out Matt lied to him, and decided that keeping his word no longer applied.  James, to my eternal ire, saved Sheila and nominated Matt, with Matt as the target for eviction.  Tonight one of them will be evicted, becoming the first member of the jury, and allowing us to begin bringing this three month long mistake to an end.

The Chenbot welcomes us in an all black dust-ruffle with disco collar, and shiny pleather boots, to give us a recap of the events of the week.  Even though every episode comes with a recap before the opening credits.  Somebody really needs to change the Chenbot's programming, she's had this recap glitch for a while now.

That being said, I love that the Chenbot refers to James occupation as "free spirit", which is the most creative synonym CBS could think of for "hobo".  The Chenbot yaps about James, and asks us "will James live to regret his broken promise?  Only time will tell".  Well time and me, I can tell you right now, but do I need to?  James is stuck in a house with Natalie, whose sharpening an ax and preparing a spot for James on her Wall of Heads even as we speak!  If you're going to screw someone over, make sure their partner is NOT a crazy chic who listens to God and has easy access to sharp objects.

We flashback to the end of the POV ceremony, where James hypocrisy is on full display as he saves Sheila.  Damn it man, why did you have to do that!?  If you had taken Ryan off, or left the nominations the same, don't you know what would have happened?  Sheila would have gone home!!!!!!!

(breaks down sobbing) IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!

(sigh) Natalie gives us an emotion free DR about how angry she is.  No I'm not kidding, she sits there and tells us she's angry, without expressing a hint of anger.  Only Natalie could screw up something as simple as being mad at someone.  She blahs about how much of a hypocrite James is.  Well so are you sweet-cheeks, you're just to crazy to know it.

Apparently I'm not the only one whose started to cry at the thought of Sheila being safe.  We watch King Matt after his nomination, as he starts to tear-up at the thought of going home.  Dude, it's a fucking game, have some self-respect!  You're a man supposedly, act like one!

But no, despite Matt's muscles, tattoos, and stupid Boston attitude, he's really a big cry-baby.  James DR's that Matt is on the block because he lied to James face.  Really?  How did I miss that, you only mentioned it five billion times last episode.

"James only nominated me
because he's mean and he's stupid
and he sucks and he's jealous!"

Natalie tries to comfort Matt, but before she can pull down his pants, Matt decides to go pack to leave.  Uh Matt, their are still five days till eviction.  Believe me, you got a little while.  Logic would dictate that you should already be trying to get votes on your side, as you will need them.  But logic matters not one blue fuck to King Matt, and it's much more important for him to pout about being nominated.

King Matt continues by sniveling in the DR about how it's James only chance to get him out.  Dude, grow a sack, ya fucking pansy. All that's happened is you've been nominated!   You just need to swing one friggin' vote!  Grab a tampon, plug your vag, and then go kiss ass!

Okay, well Asshole and Sharon are lost causes.  Come to think of it, Chelsia will do whatever the hell James wants, so no point in going after her.  And James will get rid of Matt in the event of a tie, so...enjoy the jury house Matt!

Matt crashes in the Red Bedroom, where Chelsia and Asshole are only because they didn't know King Matt was coming, and couldn't get away.  Chelsia and Asshole pretend to care, but when King Matt starts to cry, they both hightail it out of there.  I don't blame them.

I'm sorry, I don't like James at all, but Matt is just being an idiot.  Dude, it's a game.  You want to win, you have to work at it, no one is going to hand you your win on a platter.  When you loose, you smile and take it like a man.  Yes loosing hurts, yes your ego will be bruised, but if you are such a baby that the possibility of loosing, not actual loosing just the possibility, makes you fucking cry, then your ego needs to be bruised.

Anyway, in the Log Cabin Room, we see Natalie trying to look sad, and she comes so close, but unfortunately for Natalie, emotions are things that happen to other people, not her.  Instead of looking sad, Natalie looks like she has mild gas and is captivated by the amazement that is Asshole.  Sorry Natalie, try practicing emotions in the mirror, maybe you'll get it right next time.  And no, being a creepy stalker and having 47 restraining orders filled against you do not count as emotions.

Chelsia tells Natalie she just has to stay strong, like how Chelsia doesn't cry when her pimp slaps her for being a dirty whore.  If Chelsia can endure having a broken nose and crabs without crying, then damn it, Natalie can endure King Matt being evicted.  Natalie cries from the DR that it's hard to be strong, since she loves King Matt.  So much so that she's already rented the church for the wedding that Matt doesn't know they're having.

Asshole tells her that King Matt might stay, even though he knows that him, Sharon, Chelsia, and (to break the tie) James are all planning to vote the king out, which means Asshole is saying this just saying this to be a dick.  Is anyone surprised?

We see a still sniveling King Matt going out into the backyard.  I guess it's time to mingle with the peasents and try and convince them not to revolt, isn't it King Matt?  He goes over to see James, asking if James has a problem with our humble king.

James says that Matt's playing with Natalie, to which King Matt corrects.  He's not playing with Natalie, Natalie is playing with him.  Or at least a very erect part of him.  King Matt and James have a conversation where they say nothing of value, other then James did not cry when he was nominated, making him more of a man then King Matt.  Which isn't very difficult, by this point Sheila is more of a man then Matt.  King Matt starts to cry again as he whines that he promised his Mom that he would win her something.

I've been bringing this point up since friggin' Survivor Marquesas, and I've got to bring it up here now.  If your only way to achieve financial security, or to pay for a gift for a loved one, is to win a fucking reality show, then you've got much bigger problems then possibly loosing.  Games like Big Brother and Survivor are NOT about being fucking fair, or going to the one who "most deserves" it, or any other nonsensical abstract like those.  Games like this, are about winning!  They're about being smarter then your competition and outplaying them!  Stop whining, and man up Matt, or go home to mommy.  I don't care anymore, just get off my fucking screen.

That being said, I love Matt's reason for why he wont win a vote against Ryan.  Because Ryan is nice.  So yes, you just had Matt confirm that he's been an ass during his nearly forty days in the house, and he didn't think for a second how that could come back to bite him.  Matt whines that he's the asshole of the house (not the Asshole), and runs off to find a quiet place to suck his thumb.

James makes fun of Matt from the DR, and God help me, I'm actually siding with James on something.  James points out that every person in the house has a parent, and Matt whining that he wants to give his Mom "a prize" will just remind people of their own parents, and make them want to get rid of Matt more.

King Matt wonders into the Log Cabin Room, where Natalie still is.  Natalie looks a little misty-eyed, but Matt is just sobbing.  Just think Natalie, if you have your way, one day you'll be Mrs. Crying Bitch.  Matt and Natalie hug, with Matt telling her that she did nothing wrong.  This seems like Matt is about to own up to his own failures...but no.  He just tells her it's not her fault, without admitting it's all his.

Matt then runs away from Natalie, whining he wants to be by himself.  Then why the hell did you spend the last hour talking to Chelsia, Asshole, and James?  King Matt wanders into the kitchen, telling himself how tough he is.  Matt's a tough kid, he needs to stop crying.  He's smart, attractive, and damn it, people like him! No wait, no.  Matt is none of those things.  He's a whiny idiot, a sore loser, and the only person who likes him is his stalker.

We get a DR with Matt yelling that he wasn't going to cry on TV, while crying.  What on Earth could I add to this?  Tough guy music plays in the background, because when I think tough guy, I think "Moron who cried when he was nominated for eviction".

We see Asshole and Ryan in the Red Bedroom, where Asshole confirms that Ryan has his vote.  What a shock.  The way they have the votes figured, it would be 5-1 with Natalie being the odd one out.  That would be true, assuming Sheila and Adam voted with anything resembling logic.  Sadly Sheila and Adam do not have brains, but lumps of pudding between their ears, and will be voting to keep Matt because...uh, yeah.

Next day, we see Sheila and Ryan in the Sauna Room, presumably hiding from the sobbing cyclone that is Matt.  Sheila confirms that Ryan has her vote, saying when she makes a decision, it's a decision.  As opposed to...what?  When she makes a decision, it's a smoothie?  Sheila somehow is so stupid, she manged to fuck up talking.

Later that day, we see a teary-eyed Matt (DUDE!  IT'S BEEN A DAY!  LET IT GO!) asking Adam for his vote.  Adam confirms it, and the two try to work on a way to swing other votes to Matt's side.  Oh Christ, these two are trying to think.  It's rather painful, watching Adam and Matt trying to have thoughts, watching Adam declare that Matt was "stiffed for no apparent reason".  What about the reason James gave?  What about the fact that James wanted Matt gone in week two, and because YOU Adam were stupid enough to vote James back, he got his chance?

Matt says Adam had a really good point.  What?  Did Adam have anything even resembling a point in his crazy, drug fueled rambling?  He just said essentially "You didn't do anything to deserve to go home Matt", that's what his speech amounted to.  How is that a good point?  Hell, how is that a point?  Matt decides he needs to get the girls votes, so he'll play the sympathy card and it'll cause all the women to just throw their votes to Matt.  So in addition to being whiny, and an idiot, we can add sexist to Matt's list of character traits.  Good to know.

Chelsia is up first, a woman who enjoys screaming at people, drove Amanda to tears for fun, and gets off on the misery of others.  Good first choice King Matt.  After you finish with her, go ask Asshole about what it takes to be a nice person.

Matt goes into the Red Bedroom where Chelsia is trying to nap, which for King Matt is an invitation to start talking.  He plops down and whines about not wanting to be in the jury house on his birthday, while Chelsia tries (and fails) to suppress a smile.  Chelsia tells us in the DR that this was the moment where she realized that Matt was truly pathetic.  It took you this long?  Yesterdays non-stop crying spree didn't show you that?  She tells us his crying made her want to start laughing, kind of like any time she sees starving children or homeless people.

Next Matt goes to Sharon, whining that being alone is one of his fears in life.  Don't worry Matt, as long as Natalie is around, you'll never be alone.  When you're at home, at the movies, on the toilet, Natalie will be there to keep you company.  Sharon confirms in the DR that Matt didn't fool her for a second, and he's a moron.  As if we didn't already know it.

After that Matt goes to talk to the only person on the planet stupid enough to believe his crap, the single mother with an unwritten book for sale, Sheila.  Matt goes through his spiel, and to my amazement, Sheila doesn't buy it.  Yes, even Sheila thinks Matt is full of crap, and she thinks that people will buy her book!  When Sheila doesn't fall for your lies, you know your in trouble.

Matt's ego is on full display as he yells in the DR that he can't figure out why the women aren't all giving him a vote.  Ooh, because they're not emotionally unstable puppets with charcoal for brains!  Unlike you.  Matt says the women not doing what he wants with no gain for them is really aggravating him, but he comes across less as aggravated and more as whiny.

The editing makes it look like a day passes, except everyone is wearing the same clothing, so either these idiots don't know how to take their clothes off without help (a possibility), or the editing on this show is shit.  I probably shouldn't comment, but the editing on this show is terrible.  They splice seemingly unconnected clips together, without rhyme or reason, all the fucking time.  I mean, if I notice how bad it is, it must be shit.

Anyway, Matt is in the backyard with Sharon, Sheila, and Chelsia, and decides that it is again time to beg for votes.  Chelsia tells him to either pay her fee for an hour, or shut up about the vote.  Ryan isn't campaigning, which is the smartest choice he's ever made since he knows that Matt will crash and burn.  Matt says he isn't trying to campaign either.  Yeah!  All he's doing is bugging the hell out of Chelsia, and begging people for votes, why would doing that imply he's campaigning?

Matt starts to whine he wants to know what he's done to get people to want him to go, telling Chelsia he voted for her to stay (when?), and he starts to pick a fight with her when she doesn't promise him her vote right away!  What an idiot.

Matt yells that Ryan betrayed everyone, yelling at Chelsia (not exactly), taking the 10 grand away from Sheila (the prize that was his to take that Sheila did not win), and he had the audacity to put James on the block.  Yeah, and all Matt did was declare himself King and yell at Asshole and James when James was nominated.  Ryan so totally deserves to go home for, uh, because!  Chelsia admits that Ryan put her on the block, leaving out the part where James told Ryan to do it, or the part where Ryan gave Chelsia the Veto.

Sheila DRs that Matt made "a convincing argument".  Because when I think convincing, I think "yelling over everyone else and being a jackass".  Sheila is now going to vote to evict the partner free Ryan, and keep Matt who has the loyalty of both Adam and Natalie over her.  There's the Sheila I've come to know and loathe, I was getting worried for a second.  Nope, Sheila showed me that she's still her, unable to make a simple decision without fucking it up.  Sheila says people are to quick to forgive Ryan, and to buy her fucking book.

Matt says he doesn't want to beg for a vote (to late), and that he wants a fare shake.  What?  Sheila thinks that it'll now be a split vote, so she runs off to the HOH room.  James is in there, and Sheila begins with a line of crap about how Matt hasn't screwed anyone.  Well except when he promised Allison his vote and didn't give it.  Or when he said he'd never vote for James, and did.  Or when he voted for Ryan and Allison in week 1.  But if you ignore all of those times, and several I'm not mentioning, Matt hasn't screwed anyone!

Sheila brings up Matt's point, that he hasn't done anything to Sharon, Sheila, and Chelsia.  It's probably a good thing that Sheila doesn't know that Matt was going to evict her, isn't it?  Also Sheila, Matt has done a LOT to James, including evicting him and not voting him back in.  You can't use the "Matt hasn't done anything to us" on someone Matt fucked over!  Sheila says that James being nominated "shocked her", and tells James what a despicable person Ryan is.  Except, Sheila you were the one who sold Ryan on nominating James, making you both a liar and a hypocrite!  Kiss my ass Sheila.

Sheila's self-righteous bullshit is honestly so nauseating that I have to skip to the end of this scene.  James says in the DR that he'd prefer both of them gone, while telling Sheila she made good points, just so Sheila will go away.  Sheila does so since her ego has been stroked, while James opinion has not changed one bit.

The Chenbot tells us that we'll next get to see a clip of last seasons winner Dick Donato and his daughter Danielle, about what they're doing after the game ended.  Danielle I hate so much that I mentally group her in with this group of idiots, so I will not be covering the clip of the two of them.

First we get some nonsensical DR sessions meant to trick us into believing Matt has a chance.  Asshole is allies with Ryan, which means Ryan will get his vote, duh.  Adam gives a psychotic speech without blinking, about campaigning and Matt owing him(?).  Adam says "from the day one, Ryan's been my friend", which is why he's keeping someone who is less trustworthy around.  Nice work Adam.  Natalie is crazy and keeping Matt, though she thinks if she talks to God, He'll arrange it so she can keep both of them.

The Chenbot decides to stall this more by talking with the idiots in the living room.  First up is James, and the Chenbot actually asks a good question.  I know, I was stunned too.  She asks how James justifies being a moralist douchebag who talked about keeping his "word", only to break it by nominating Matt.  I shall post James response, with all the bullshit removed.

James:  Well Julie, I'm special because I ride a bike and I'm not in it for commercial reasons, I want to win the money to inspire people to ride bikes.  I have no fucking idea what I'm saying, and I want to die my pubes pink.  I'm awesome like that.  So yeah, I broke my word but it's okay since I live on the street and eat out of a dumpster, this somehow makes me a more down to earth and less shallow person then the others.

The Chenbot asks Natalie what her thoughts are.

Natalie: GOD'S WILL BE DONE!  I am God's Warrior Princess, and if Matt goes tonight, James head will be on a pike!  Because I can do that and it'll be okay.  I have a note from God that says so, and the voices in my head tell me James deserves to die.  And that I'm pretty.

Chenbot: That's good Natalie-

Natalie:  No I didn't give Matt a blowjob, stop accusing me!  Your eyes are accusing me!  (pulls out a red-hot poker) YOUR EYES HAVE SINNED AND MUST DIE!

(TV goes to static, as houseguests wrestle the poker from Natalie's hands)

Chenbot:...

"Who here is deluded enough
to think America likes them?"

The Chenbot calls on Matt, Adam, and Ryan, referring to them by that stupid Bible Buddy nickname.  She asks Adam how tall Ryan is, to which he responds "three cubits".  Ryan is 4'6"?  The Chenbot brings up the Mystery Box, and the mere mention of that makes me suppress vomiting.  The Chenbot decides it's time to reveal who was in the Mystery Box, and then they'll vote...no wait, they voted last week, they're telling us who was in that box a fucking week later!  Because that makes perfect sense, right?  The Chenbot reveals it was Alex in the box, and you can see both Adam and Natalie mentally face palm, since Alex would have nominated Chelsia and probably Sharon.  Which means that, thanks to Adam and Natalie, Matt will be going home.  Nice work guys.

We see Dick and Danielle next.  I don't care, and you don't know who they are.  All you need to know is that BB8 also sucked, and I'm reeeeally considering ripping it apart some day.

It could happen

The Chenbot says that Evel Dick (yes that is what they call him) will be hosting the next Veto competition.  I'll cover my thoughts on Evel Dick then.

We get more pointless DR sessions.   Chelsia wants Matt gone since he's "tried to be the puppet master" since day one, and he gypped her last time she gave him a handjob.  Sharon says something, but she is so boring that they don't let her finish her sentence before cutting to Sheila!  People, I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Sheila says that Matt's eyes have never attacked her or something to that effect, and she doesn't want to make the ultimate choice to who goes home.  Don't worry Sheila, you don't have to.  You can vote for Ryan, force a tie, and cause James to send Matt home, or you can realize you're PLAYING A FUCKING GAME, and vote for Matt to go willingly.

It's finally time for the live vote, oh thank Christ.  First both nominees get a finally chance to beg for votes.  Ryan gives the exact same speech he's given the last two times he was on the block, it's boring and I don't care.  Adam grins like an idiot the entire time Ryan talks.  Then we get Matt.

Matt:(starts to tear up) I don't wanna go home for my birthday, I don't want to be alone, I'm going to die alone, my mommy will die alone, Natalie will die alone, have I mentioned I'm the king?  Muckeling!

It's at this point that I must point out that this episode aired in mid-March.  Matt's birthday is in April.  So according to Matt, if they evict him now, they'll spend THREE WEEKS not evicting anyone.  That's the only fucking way Matt is spending his birthday alone.

Time to vote.  Chelsia wants to keep paying customers, so she votes to evict Matt.  Asshole votes for Matt to go, smiling like he just made Natalie cry.  Sharon evicts Matt.  Natalie has been obsessed with Matt since day one, and votes to evict Ryan.  Adam is closer with Ryan and can trust him more, and thus votes to evict Matt Ryan.  Finally Sheila fails at voting, and votes to evict Ryan.  Don't worry Sheila, Ryan will one day repay the favor.

With a three-three split, Matt will be leaving just as soon as James casts his vote.  The Chenbot announces the tie, and Matt's face drops like someone told him "muckeling" is not a word.  He knows whats coming, and it happens.  James stands up, and evicts Matt, making Matt the first member of the jury.  Meaning this season is entering the last phase.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Bye Matt, see ya!  Don't let the door hit your inflated head on the way out!  Matt gets a few hugs, and is quickly out the door.  Natalie tries to hang on, and Matt almost lets her.  Let it go Matt, you're a loser, go home.  And he does.

The King is dead!  Long live the King!  The King is dead!  Long live the King!

Matt looks pissed as he sits for his interview with the Chenbot.  I've decided I'm going to start covering these too, and I'll eventually go back and add my commentary on the other exit interviews.  I've decided to cover them since they're so stupid, why wouldn't I cover them?  Sure they can be boring, but the Chenbot is so bad at this, that I'm going to risk being dull and cover them.

The Chenbot points out that Matt looks devastated, and he admits that he is since he figured he had swung Sheila's vote and that would be enough.  Because when six people are voting, you only need three to stay, right?  Matt whines that he didn't backdoor James last week, he just gloated about it, referred to himself as "king", and acted like an ass.  The Chenbot asks why he didn't campaign more to James, and Matt whines that it's like talking to a wall.  Well Matt you have the personality of a wall, surely that would give you some kind of inside info to relate to James.

Now it's time to talk about Natalie.  The Chenbot asks what his feelings are on Natalie.  Essentially, Matt will consider her relationship material whenever she can do things for him, and if she can't then she's just a good friend.  Matt says that Natalie is an NFL Cheerleader, which deserves a bit of explanation.  Natalie claims that she's a Seattle Seahawks cheerleader.  Yes really.  How the hell did she sell them on that lie?  Do people really think the Seahawks want to hire a blowjob dispensing, Bible thumping, lactating moron who can't dance?

We watch the good-bye messages that the other idiots recorded for Matt.  James says Matt's a nice guy (no he isn't), but he has a shitty attitude.  Sheila rambles, and her message clearly was recorded when she was still planning on evicting Matt.  Ryan says he'll miss Matt, causing Matt to start crying AGAIN!  How many times has Matt sobbed this episode?  I lost count at 1,497,579,206 times.  Natalie says Matt is still her soul mate, and despite being torn up, she doesn't cry.  See Matt, some people actually can make it five seconds without crying.  With that, Matt is gone and off to the jury house, something the Chenbot claims is an achievement.

Who gives a fuck, time for the HOH competition!  The competition is called "En Garde", a face-off competition.  Much like Veto prize competitions, they tend to do these once a season.  Two people face off answering questions.  The first person to buzz in correctly stays in the competition.  If you buzz in wrong, you are out.  If no one buzzes in, both idiots are out.  In this case, the questions are things that the first seven evicted houseguests (Neil who?) said.

Asshole and Chelsia are up first.  The statement is from Parker, Asshole guesses Jen, and is out.  Chelsia picks Natalie and Sheila.  The statement is from Allison, and is a statement that Sheila was around to hear.  So it should be no surprise that Natalie guesses Allison and eliminates Sheila (this is where I burst out laughing).  Sheila is so bad at competitions, she couldn't figure out who said "We can be whatever we want in this house", even though it was being said to her!

Next up are Chelsia and Sharon.  The statement is from Jen, which Chelsia gets.  She selects Adam and Natalie to compete next.  The statement is Matt's often repeated "You can't trust a kid with a pink mohawk", which Adam gets.  Natalie is gone, leaving Ryan and Chelsia to face off.

The next statement is from Alex, which Chelsia gets, eliminating Ryan.  It's down to Adam and Chelsia.  The Chenbot begins asking the question, but Adam jumps in.  By process of elimination, the statement could have only come from Amanda, meaning Adam is now HOH.

We're halfway done.  It's only going to be...well the same really, from here.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?