You might have noticed a surprising lack of BB9 updates from me. The thing is, a season of Big Brother tends to be twice as long as any other reality shows. I tend to deal with shows running about 13 episodes. BB9 runs 33, not to mention the entry I wrote just for an introduction. Frankly, it started to get a bit tedious talking about these morons day in and day out each week, so I need a break.
But not from blogging, oh no. Nor am I done with BB9, I will come back and finish it off later. I just needed a break from it. Instead, I've got something truly insane lined up next. I need a week to watch it all though, so for this week I'm going to post something I've been thinking about for a while.
As of two weeks ago, your humble blogger Srgeman became a writer for the website Reality News Online. Tis quite awesome. Yes, now I recap this season of The Biggest Loser, and if you want my thoughts on it then I'd suggest going to RNO. Still while watching the show and past seasons, it got me thinking, what are the rules for crappy reality TV? How can you tell when a good reality show has gone to shit? What makes a reality TV show one of the worst?
I came down with a series of rules I decided to share for all of you. I hope that this entertains you as much as it entertained me.
6. A Whiny Winner Can Invalidate The Whole Thing
Let's look at my favorite canceled reality show, Solitary. A brilliant show based around personal strength and discovery, and less around infighting and strategy. It ran for four glorious seasons on Fox Reality, before the network folded. The first three seasons were all instantly classic and the fourth was on its way to being every bit as good. Great cast, great challenges, a return player, all awesome. All except #3, a whiny, obnoxious, quitting little girl in desperate need of a nose job. #3 was a moron who was unable to figure out that she would be alone. On a show called Solitary.
Well we had a strong cast, their was no chance that this constantly quitting idiot was going to win. Until the last episode rolled around. And by some act of Satan, #3 won.
In that instant the entire season was invalidated and I couldn't watch Solitary 4.0 anymore. As much as reality TV fans hate to admit it, a bad winner can ruin a season. And no, I don't mean a winner you didn't like. I mean someone like #3. Or Flo. Or Adam. Or Maggie. Or whoever the hell won Love Cruise. All of these winners have something in common. They are horrid people. Whether they be racist (Maggie), inconsiderate (Adam), or just whinny (Flo, #3) they ruined their season.
A reality TV show is a story, and no one wants to hear it end with "And the villain cut the head off the hero and had a good laugh."
5. A New Host/Location/Judge Is A Bad Sign
This one needs no explanation, when someone whose been with the show from the beginning leaves without reason. Now, their is a chance that the host/judge might be looking for a career outside of just this show. Their is a chance that the location was growing old.
Their is also a good chance that the show is circling the drain. The host or judge didn't leave because they didn't want to just be remembered for this show, they were jumping off of a sinking ship. The location wasn't changed because it had grown old, it was changed because they needed anything to get ratings and save this turd.
For instance, see The Apprentice: LA which moved the show to Los Angelas because... yeah. Because the previous season had sucked in ways that still amaze me, so The Donald and Mark Burnett needed something to save the season. The location change was just one of many things, and like all the others, it sucked.
4. Theme Seasons/Episodes Are A Bad Sign
As I mentioned earlier, I am now recapping The Biggest Loser for Reality News Online. Too catch up with the show, I immediately went out and watched the previous season. Said season had a theme to it, Battle of The Ages. Allow me to summarize my thoughts on this theme right now:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Now multiple shows have theme seasons, or theme weeks but none as often as The Biggest Loser. Every season of this show seems to have a theme or a theme episode. Season 12's big theme was the battle of the ages, but they also had a football themed episode. Then a hometown themed episode. Season 9 had the stupid Student/Teacher episode. Just about every fall season has a Thanksgiving theme episode. You know what they all have in common?
They're boring! They screw over players! They don't fit in with the show! This is true of pretty much every reality show. Now some times a theme can work, like Survivor: Pearl Islands. Or it can be painfully bad like Big Brother 9.
3. Returning/Crossover Popular Players Are A Bad Sign
When a cast sucks, and I mean they truly just suck, their is little that an executive can do. Imagine this: You're the executive of a once great reality show that is now circling the bowl. The last season was a turd. The new season is going to be a turd. This is probably the dullest cast ever. What do you do?
You make a phone call: "Hello, is Boston Rob there?"
This scenario actually played out in Survivor: Redemption Island a season hated by many (though not me). The cast of that season could conservatively be described as dull. To be more honest, they were so boring that listening to them sucked years off of my life. In addition, this was coming off of a dull season, in the form of Survivor: Nicaragua. Bringing back Boston Rob and Russell was a desperation move by the producers, save this season from being crap.
Now on the one hand I can understand this move. They wanted a good season, both for ratings and to stop the fans from rioting. The problem is... I don't care. Shows that do it, be they Survivor: Redemption Island or The Amazing Race 16, do it for one reason. The season is shit and they need to save it.
2. Big Twists Suck
The Project Manager carry-over. The Mystery Box. Redemption Island. The Duo twist. The Intersection. The 1,000 step challenge. The Switch card. If you're a fan of reality TV (or really bad reality TV) you know what each of these are. You know that most of them involve bringing a player back. or generally screwing up how a game is played. You also know they all just suck.
Now anyone who knows me knows my view on twists. They suck. They generally don't matter much (see the now infamous BB12 Saboteur twist). They just screw up seasons. Or they end up being so lame that no one remembers them (see The Medallion of Power).
Some people will argue some twists really work. Sure, like the... uh, I got nothing. That's just it, twists are the moves of the desperate, trying to keep a show fresh when it's got a foot in the grave. If you twist the show to the point that it no longer resembles what it once was, then people will ask "why the hell am I watching this?"
1. A Cast Full Of Assholes Will Kill A Show
More so then any other genre of television, Reality TV relies on its cast to keep it from completely sucking. In fact, in almost all of my other rules I have mentioned the cast. Simply put, the cast is what makes or breaks a reality show. And in the case of shows I watch, it's break.
In my opinion, the worst seasons of Survivor are Survivor: Thailand and Survivor: Fiji. If you watch either season, you realize something quickly.
"Wow. I really hate most of these people."
And it isn't hard to see why. In the case of Thailand, the cast is a group of mean spirited losers who seem to take pleasure in belittling each other. In the case of Fiji, the cast is made up almost entirely of recruited players (18 out of a cast of 19) leaving us with... well a cast we couldn't relate too! They were actors and assholes with a few exceptions. You didn't want to watch them. You wanted to smack them.
BB9 is another good example. Name a likable contestant, someone you'd want to see again. Anyone. Just point to them. You can't though, because you can't like any of them. Same for the next show I'm reviewing, the cast sucked, may we never see them again.
Those are my six rules for determining crappy reality TV. I hope you enjoyed them, and I hope you enjoy the next crappy show I review. If you want to know what it is, scroll to the end of the entry.
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But not from blogging, oh no. Nor am I done with BB9, I will come back and finish it off later. I just needed a break from it. Instead, I've got something truly insane lined up next. I need a week to watch it all though, so for this week I'm going to post something I've been thinking about for a while.
As of two weeks ago, your humble blogger Srgeman became a writer for the website Reality News Online. Tis quite awesome. Yes, now I recap this season of The Biggest Loser, and if you want my thoughts on it then I'd suggest going to RNO. Still while watching the show and past seasons, it got me thinking, what are the rules for crappy reality TV? How can you tell when a good reality show has gone to shit? What makes a reality TV show one of the worst?
I came down with a series of rules I decided to share for all of you. I hope that this entertains you as much as it entertained me.
6. A Whiny Winner Can Invalidate The Whole Thing
Let's look at my favorite canceled reality show, Solitary. A brilliant show based around personal strength and discovery, and less around infighting and strategy. It ran for four glorious seasons on Fox Reality, before the network folded. The first three seasons were all instantly classic and the fourth was on its way to being every bit as good. Great cast, great challenges, a return player, all awesome. All except #3, a whiny, obnoxious, quitting little girl in desperate need of a nose job. #3 was a moron who was unable to figure out that she would be alone. On a show called Solitary.
Well we had a strong cast, their was no chance that this constantly quitting idiot was going to win. Until the last episode rolled around. And by some act of Satan, #3 won.
In that instant the entire season was invalidated and I couldn't watch Solitary 4.0 anymore. As much as reality TV fans hate to admit it, a bad winner can ruin a season. And no, I don't mean a winner you didn't like. I mean someone like #3. Or Flo. Or Adam. Or Maggie. Or whoever the hell won Love Cruise. All of these winners have something in common. They are horrid people. Whether they be racist (Maggie), inconsiderate (Adam), or just whinny (Flo, #3) they ruined their season.
A reality TV show is a story, and no one wants to hear it end with "And the villain cut the head off the hero and had a good laugh."
5. A New Host/Location/Judge Is A Bad Sign
This one needs no explanation, when someone whose been with the show from the beginning leaves without reason. Now, their is a chance that the host/judge might be looking for a career outside of just this show. Their is a chance that the location was growing old.
Their is also a good chance that the show is circling the drain. The host or judge didn't leave because they didn't want to just be remembered for this show, they were jumping off of a sinking ship. The location wasn't changed because it had grown old, it was changed because they needed anything to get ratings and save this turd.
For instance, see The Apprentice: LA which moved the show to Los Angelas because... yeah. Because the previous season had sucked in ways that still amaze me, so The Donald and Mark Burnett needed something to save the season. The location change was just one of many things, and like all the others, it sucked.
4. Theme Seasons/Episodes Are A Bad Sign
As I mentioned earlier, I am now recapping The Biggest Loser for Reality News Online. Too catch up with the show, I immediately went out and watched the previous season. Said season had a theme to it, Battle of The Ages. Allow me to summarize my thoughts on this theme right now:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Now multiple shows have theme seasons, or theme weeks but none as often as The Biggest Loser. Every season of this show seems to have a theme or a theme episode. Season 12's big theme was the battle of the ages, but they also had a football themed episode. Then a hometown themed episode. Season 9 had the stupid Student/Teacher episode. Just about every fall season has a Thanksgiving theme episode. You know what they all have in common?
They're boring! They screw over players! They don't fit in with the show! This is true of pretty much every reality show. Now some times a theme can work, like Survivor: Pearl Islands. Or it can be painfully bad like Big Brother 9.
3. Returning/Crossover Popular Players Are A Bad Sign
When a cast sucks, and I mean they truly just suck, their is little that an executive can do. Imagine this: You're the executive of a once great reality show that is now circling the bowl. The last season was a turd. The new season is going to be a turd. This is probably the dullest cast ever. What do you do?
You make a phone call: "Hello, is Boston Rob there?"
This scenario actually played out in Survivor: Redemption Island a season hated by many (though not me). The cast of that season could conservatively be described as dull. To be more honest, they were so boring that listening to them sucked years off of my life. In addition, this was coming off of a dull season, in the form of Survivor: Nicaragua. Bringing back Boston Rob and Russell was a desperation move by the producers, save this season from being crap.
Now on the one hand I can understand this move. They wanted a good season, both for ratings and to stop the fans from rioting. The problem is... I don't care. Shows that do it, be they Survivor: Redemption Island or The Amazing Race 16, do it for one reason. The season is shit and they need to save it.
2. Big Twists Suck
The Project Manager carry-over. The Mystery Box. Redemption Island. The Duo twist. The Intersection. The 1,000 step challenge. The Switch card. If you're a fan of reality TV (or really bad reality TV) you know what each of these are. You know that most of them involve bringing a player back. or generally screwing up how a game is played. You also know they all just suck.
Now anyone who knows me knows my view on twists. They suck. They generally don't matter much (see the now infamous BB12 Saboteur twist). They just screw up seasons. Or they end up being so lame that no one remembers them (see The Medallion of Power).
Some people will argue some twists really work. Sure, like the... uh, I got nothing. That's just it, twists are the moves of the desperate, trying to keep a show fresh when it's got a foot in the grave. If you twist the show to the point that it no longer resembles what it once was, then people will ask "why the hell am I watching this?"
1. A Cast Full Of Assholes Will Kill A Show
More so then any other genre of television, Reality TV relies on its cast to keep it from completely sucking. In fact, in almost all of my other rules I have mentioned the cast. Simply put, the cast is what makes or breaks a reality show. And in the case of shows I watch, it's break.
In my opinion, the worst seasons of Survivor are Survivor: Thailand and Survivor: Fiji. If you watch either season, you realize something quickly.
"Wow. I really hate most of these people."
And it isn't hard to see why. In the case of Thailand, the cast is a group of mean spirited losers who seem to take pleasure in belittling each other. In the case of Fiji, the cast is made up almost entirely of recruited players (18 out of a cast of 19) leaving us with... well a cast we couldn't relate too! They were actors and assholes with a few exceptions. You didn't want to watch them. You wanted to smack them.
BB9 is another good example. Name a likable contestant, someone you'd want to see again. Anyone. Just point to them. You can't though, because you can't like any of them. Same for the next show I'm reviewing, the cast sucked, may we never see them again.
Those are my six rules for determining crappy reality TV. I hope you enjoyed them, and I hope you enjoy the next crappy show I review. If you want to know what it is, scroll to the end of the entry.
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