Big Brother 9 - Episode 8

Previously on Big Brother: STDs and Mohawks, we watched Matt and Alex get nominated, along with their female partners they never like to hang out with.  James had an in depth conversation with Chelsia's boobs, before being horribly smug to everyone.  Their was a stupid veto challenge that makes me so mad thinking about it that I'm not going to mention it.  Finally, Allison and Amanda both seemed to die, but sadly were both returned to us unharmed.  The veto was not used, so either Alex and Amanda, or Natalie and Matt will be leaving.  Which if you have more brain cells then this group (as in, if you possess three), you probably know Alex and Amanda are going bye-bye.

Julie Chen welcomes us in her usual black leotard and straight-jacket combo, or maybe it isn't a straight jacket.  I know it's supposed to be a sweater, but it looks like a padded shirt used to train attack dogs.  Weird.  The Chen-bot reminds us that Allison and Amanda were rushed to a hospital, and since they weren't being committed, they were allowed to return to the game.  She takes time to remind us that James and Chelsia broke their word, reminding people who might have forgotten something that happened two fucking episodes ago!

I must comment, usually on eviction night people are dressed in their best shit.  Natalie is wearing a t-shirt about two sizes too small, with Heart Of Gold written on it.  Since it's so small, you can see her boobs outlined perfectly.  Lactating or not, the doctor who sculpted these did good work.  I approve.

The Chen-bot mentions Operation: Mockingbird, and gives us a really lame bit about "the pendulum always swings back and forth.".  What pendulum?  You'll see.

We flashback to right after the veto, and our dumbass nominated couples are left unchanged.  James brags in the DR room about how his plan is almost a success (which he totally was responsible for, since he nominated them and then...had no other power what so ever!).

Alex flat out refuses to campaign, forgetting that he's not just playing for himself, but also for Amanda.  He doesn't want to campaign against Matt though.  Okay, if the two of them aren't gay lovers, then Alex has a serious crush on Matt.  This is getting absurd, he's willing to throw his game away for a guy he's known for only a couple of weeks, a problem Matt (in the DR) says he does not have.

Now we get a flashback to Amanda nearly dying, not because BB wants us to feel anything (other then loathing) for her, but because they want to pad the episode.  I'm skipping it, since eviction blogs tend to be long anyway, and the last thing this needs is padding.

We come to a scene of Matt whoring himself to Adam for a vote.  The two of them speak for about a minute in whigger, calling each other "bro" twenty times in forty seconds.  By the end of the conversation, I have no idea what was acomplished, if anything was, and I do not care.

Yes, this made the episode.

Next we see Matt and Amanda doing weight lifting, interspersed with shots of Allison eating cereal.  Wow, they are so desperate, they're actually padding the episode with images of Allison eating cereal.  It's a live show, the filmed parts aren't very long.  Are you really that desperate for padding!?   Apparently, because it literally just hit Allison that "Matt and Natalie are very strong."  No shit.  Allison then blah-blahs about getting the two of them out the door, all the usual crap to make you think that Alex and Amanda going isn't a sure thing.  It is one hundred percent a sure thing though, because getting rid of Matt and Natalie would be smart.  One thing these morons are not.

Allison runs up to the HOH where a group of idiots including Joshua, James, Chelsia, and Adam, are all sitting around doing nothing.  Allison points out that Alex and Amanda being on slop all week makes them weak, and being on the block all weak makes them weaker then Matt and Natalie.  Um, Matt and Natalie have been on the block all week also.  Did you really miss that little part?

Allison is convinced she can get the votes needed to eliminate Matt and Natalie, while James declares that Operation: Pelican now has a new target.  While this happens, Matt and Natalie are having a vote counting meeting in the food storage room.  They decide they'll swear their loyalty to Joshua and Sharon, with Natalie in particular mentioning her word is good, and she would never try to evict them.  Well, not directly.

Natalie meets with Sharon in the Red Bed Room, attempting to cry about wanting to stay, and being unable to create tears do to her plastic surgery.  I'm sure her abortions somehow sealed off her tear ducts.  She then swears the two of them would never go after Sharon.  No, they'd go after James, all the while shrieking about Joshua and Sharon being "evil doers".    She asks Sharon who she trusts more.  Yes, why would Sharon not trust a crazy, lactating ex-stripper who voted to save Parker and Jen, the duo who evicted Sharon.  A flawless argument Natalie.

Joshua walks in wearing only a towel, and Natalie turns on the turbo-crazy, ranting how she only needs one more vote, and the two of them will never go up.  Say that again in six weeks Nutalie.  Natalie then states in the DR that she has a special bond with Sharon and Joshua, one the voices in her head assure her is real.  As soon as Natalie leaves the room, Joshua channels the will of the audience by making the throat cutting motion.

Now we have Ryan and Allison in the hammock. I guess Alex and Matt will need a new place to lie shirtless. Ryan wants Alex and Amanda gone, because he can trust Matt and Natalie so much more.  Oh Ryan, you overstuffed moron.  Allison is worried that the two of them wont be able to beat Matt and Natalie at the end. You're thinking a little far a head Allison.

I'm skipping to the next scene because this is all horribly dull.  The Chen-bot decides to remind us again that either Alex and Amanda, or Matt and Natalie will be leaving.  Wow, I had no idea!  We get pointless DR sessions where people say nice things about Alex, Matt, and Natalie.  Amanda not so much.  They'd probably need to be bribed to say good things about her.  The first one is with Sheila and Adam, where the go out of their way to talk about everyone but Amanda.  Wow, they must really hate her.  That's just awesome.

The Chen-bot takes us back into the living room, talking to Allison and Amanda.  She says that they are glad the two are unharmed, and sounds almost like she sort of means it.  The Chen-bot asks Amanda if things have changed, with Amanda giving us the annoying spiel about how she and Allison have grown a lot closer.  And I immediately burst out laughing, because if you paid for the live feeds, you know for a fact Allison still could not stand Amanda, and made fun of her for thinking that the two of them were friends.  That's cruel, and again, very awesome.

Now the Chen-bot's robotic gaze fixes on Sheila and Allison, asking about their fight.  You know, the one caused by Sheila being a possessive ex-girlfriend, to a girl she wasn't dating.  She asks how things between the two of them are.  Sheila claims their fine, while Allison makes the You're Full Of Shit face throughout Sheila's talking.  Sheila states the fight was caused by "things said behind my back" which is crap if you watched the fight.  It was caused by Allison not wanting to hang out with Sheila, who is crazy.

They start talking about the medical emergency, so I fast foreword again.  The Chen-bot reminds them about how stupid they were to get rid of drinking cups and hot water, and asks Matt about how life is without them. Matt says something in the gibberish that is his accent, finally talking about how life is miserable because they have to drink out of bowls like dogs.  Well I've always said Chelsia and Sheila were bitches...

Sheila is asked about being on slop, and she declares it "the best diet she's ever been on".  Like I said, Sheila is crazy.  She and Natalie can share a cell together.  Now we get another pointless DR, with Sharon and Joshua discussing which couple should go.  Joshua says Alex and Amanda should go since Amanda secretly hates him.  Secretly my ass.  Amanda (and I) very publicly hate you.

Now we get a hometown visit segment, where they interview family members of the current cast.  In this case, they're interviewing James and Chelsia's families, trying to figure out why those two have a tight bond.  I'd go with James mounting her nightly, but that's just me.

Chelsia's Corner

Since these segments tend to suck, I'm going to write my own versions of them.  First we go to Cedar Falls, Iowa where Chelsia works as a hooker.  We get a lovely view of her corner, on 4th Street near the Middle School.  We also briefly meet her pimp Peppa-Jack, who promises to slap the shit of out Chelsia when she leaves the BB house for that noose comment she made.  We see the ally where she regularly buys crack, and her crack dealer talks about how she and James are a perfect match.  She's a hooker and James is a hobo, it's a match made in heaven.

We next go to the lot outside of the Big Brother House, where James was living when they recruited him to be on the show.  They interview his bicycle, which doesn't have a whole lot to say about James.  They then go to a bar in Florida, where James owes a tab, and the bar owner threatens to beat the shit out of James.  They then interview all the people who James has helped by biking around the world, none.

With that out of the way, it's time to interview our co-HOH idiots, one a hooker and one with a head that resembles a penis.  The Chen-bot reminds them that the others can't hear them, which disappoints Chelsia to no end, since now they can't know that she's fucking pissed off!  The Chen-bot asks James what the hell was he thinking by nominating Matt and Natalie, after promising not to hours before.  James only answer is he didn't think he'd win HOH, even though he promised them after he won.  Yeah, get used to this circle talk bullshit from James.

Chelsia states she has no shame, I mean, no regrets.  She never regrets when she propositions an undercover cop, so why would nominating Matt and Natalie make her feel bad?  James takes the time to point out he hates most of these people, because they are "materialistic".  In a game being played to win a half million dollars, which by nature is materialistic.  Why the hell are you here James?

Well he clarifies, they want to use the prize money for buying things.  Uh, duh!  James isn't talking about giving away the money if he won, in fact he seems to have no plans for the money should he win.  Most likely, he'd just live off of it while biking around the world.  James then yaps about "they've forgotten about finding themselves".  Okay asshole, you do not go on a GAMESHOW to find yourself, you go on a GAMESHOW to win shit.  You want to "find yourself", take up meditation, walking in the woods, yoga, or any other new age bullshit about "finding yourself".

James states that he wants to win the money to "inspire people to bike around the world".  Dear God is that statement stupid.  Let's look at the most obvious reason, because having a half million dollars will only inspire people if they think biking around the world will win THEM a half million dollars.  You're inspiring the materialism you hate you moron!

I'm skipping the Chelsia part of the interview, since it's about how she and James have this great connection, again.  I don't really see any connection the two have aside from sexual, so hearing people talk about this supposedly great connection really annoys me.

We get one last pointless DR with Allison and Ryan.  It's more of the same thing, with them wanting Amanda and Alex (and by them, I mean Ryan) out of the house.  Allison has little respect for either couple.  Lady, say things like that, you could just win fan favorite of the season.

The magic pixie is more interesting
then Amanda.

It's finally time for the live vote.  Both nominees get one (useless) attempt to beg for votes.  Alex and Amanda go first, with Alex foolishly letting Amanda do the talking, while he looks at the magic pixie fluttering just out of camera view.  Amanda mentions they had their downs and their further downs, and I ignore the rest of her speech, as it's really just white noise to people who have yet to say one positive thing about her.  Alex calls them family, specifically the family from Texas Chainsaw Massacure, and hopes his "trueness" will keep him here.

Natalie begins for her and Matt.  She somehow menages to keep a straight face when stating Big Brother did a great job picking this cast.  I however fall to the ground laughing at this.  Natalie and her boobs chant that she doesn't want to go back to the Beaver State, shaking her arms as she says it.  Matt calls them beautiful people inside and out, making me wonder if he's once talked to Joshua, Chelsia, Sheila, Adam, James, or Amanda.

With that, it's time for the live voting.  I'd talk about it, but Alex and Amanda are voted out by unanimous vote.  Is anyone surprised?  Operation: Parakeet is a complete success.  Or since the target changed to Matt and Natalie, a failure.  Amanda breaks down sobbing at the news, as did everyone who thought she might stay.

The two exit and go to do their interview with the Chen-bot.  As I said last time, it's my policy not to talk about the exit interviews since they are dull.  Instead, let's skip to the next HOH competition, in which I pray that anyone who isn't Joshua wins HOH.

The competition is called "Words Of Love".  Remember all of those stupid wooden signs with quotes about love in them?  Yeah, the competition is to identify who said what quote, with men playing against men, and women against women.  Every time someone correctly guesses a quote, they cal eliminate another couple.  When they get one wrong, they are eliminate.  What, no giving up beds in favor of new sheets?  No giving up food in favor of drugs?  I'm disappointed.

The women go first, and Sharon answers every question correct, eliminating all the women.  The men then go, and Joshua does the same thing, meaning Joshua and Sharon...are....the new....head of household.

...God damn it.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?