Srgeman's Worst of Reality TV-Temptation Island: Big Brother 9

Previously on Big Brother: Shut Up Asshole, the obnoxious duo of Joshua and Sharon won HOH, Joshua's behavior reached new lows somehow, causing me to bestow upon him the new name Asshole, and he and Sharon nominated Allison and Ryan and Matt and Natalie for eviction, with Allison as the target. Somehow this show keeps going, despite having died a week ago, meaning this show is now a zombie.

We return to Asshole and Sharon having just nominated the couples. Matt is less then thrilled that Asshole nominated him, but he's going to show people how non-threatening he is by winning the veto, saving himself, and going after Asshole and Sharon in revenge! How will that show people you're non-threatening? Asshole states that Allison is his only target, and that she's ugly on the outside (believe me dude, you're wrong) and on the inside. Well if anyone would know what ugly on the inside looks like, it would be you Asshole. He then states Allison is what is keeping the house drama filled, not the flaming fruit that likes to attack women for fun, but Allison. Fuck you.

Allison and Ryan are also not thrilled, with Ryan assuming Allison is more to blame. Figured that out on your own didn't ya fat boy? Have I mentioned Ryan is one of the brains of the season? Let that sink in. Chelsia wants Matt and Natalie gone since Matt is a threat and Natalie could hurt her business.

Sharon and Asshole go up to the HOH, with Sharon stating the nomination went well (what nomination were you watching Sharon?). The first thing out of Asshole's mouth is that he "didn't attack her", her being Allison. Uh, no. Asshole, last episode you were talking about how you "knew the things that would make Allison break down and cry", and you were smiling about it. Not only did you attack her, you planned it out! Also Asshole, if you didn't attack her, explain this picture:

Why yes it does appear to be you screaming at Allison unprovoked after winning HOH. Asshole thinks in the DR that people are starting to suspect he's a hothead, just because he goes out of his way to scream at people for fun. Asshole continues to prance around on his high horse, talking about his speech and how he didn't attack Allison, much like if I broke his jaw I wouldn't have attacked him.

Seriously, how does one manege to rewrite reality that well without being crazy?

Speaking of crazy, time for more of Matt and Natalie! Matt is telling Nutalie that everyone is after Allison, and she just nods her head a LOT while not blinking. Seriously, what is it with this chick and the not blinking? Matt yaps in the DR about how it sucks to be on the block (nah, really?), and how he hasn't had a good night sleep because of it. Dude, I know why you're not sleeping. It has nothing what so ever to do with your nomination. If you want to sleep, then stop spending so much time with the Cum Depository that is Natalie. Anyway Matt tells Natalie to shut up and smile, whatever.

Matt heads into the Red Bedroom where James and Chelsia and Adam are, and does what all smart people on the block do, pick fights! He starts yapping about how they've never been on the block, and how dare they say Matt and Natalie are a weak couple. Dumbass, you and Natalie are on the block. If these peons want to think you two are a weak couple, let them think it! Let them think you can shoot fish out of your ass, just don't give them reason to evict you instead you pinhead! Matt is a semi-joking manner states Adam is being carried and will end up winning. Then he'll spend his money on drugs, try to sell them over the internet, get caught in a government sting operation, and be sent to jail. Then Matt will join him in jail because of his part in said drug operation, and he and Adam can get close. As in, Alex and Matt close.

Adam shrieks in the DR about how it's all about time, and he ought to know. Adam does so many drugs on a daily basis he can now see time! He openly admits he has no idea how he does this, finally proving all people who think Adam is some kind of brilliant player, are idiots. Also, the man barely has eye-brows, to go along with his bug eyes. He looks like a child molester! Or some kind of Satanic entity. The point is, Adam sucks, and I'd be afraid to sit next to the man on the bus. He just has a layer of sleaze coating him.

Now we have Natalie and Allison talking in the kitchen. Or rather Allison talking, and Natalie deciding she has better things to do, like counting plates or sucking Matty's dick. How sad is it when Natalie decides you aren't worth your time? Natalie spends her time talking to God and having abortions, and Allison is less important.

Sheila is in there also, joking about how she and Adam will soon be looking at "no keys". Allison say it's good for them. Really? In what way? How is being NOMINATED a good thing Allison? Do tell me, should be a simple answer.

Well Allison doesn't have an answer, but I do. Being nominated puts you one step closer to not being in Big Brother 9.

Sheila blahs in the DR about how great it is for her and Adam having not been nominated for three weeks, and how Allison sucks because she is playing the freaking game! Sheila states Allison has helped her, and I hope that's a euphemism for "helped drive me to quitting" because I want Sheila gone.

Crazy music plays as we transition to the backyard to see Natalie, running on the stair master while her boobs stay frozen on her chest. She watches James promise to massage Chelsia with his penis, and Natalie demands a massage from Matt, who is stupidly out there. We then get a montage where Natalie keeps hounding Matty for a massage, and he says no because he's an idiot who has no idea what boobs feel like. I'd be more scared that if I said no to Natalie, I might wake up with my skin peeled off, and Natalie standing above me holding a bloody potato-peeler.

Matt whines in the DR about how all he did was kiss Natalie (yeah, she and your cock had a make-out session) and now she wont leave him alone. Man, it must suck to have beautiful, crazy women who want to have sex with you stalking you! No wait, that would be fucking awesome, you dolt! Matt states Natalie will make some guy very happy, and some psychiatrist a lot of money, but neither will be him.

Now we have Natalie and Allison in the sauna. Remember when Asshole was on this show? Neither do I! Anyway, the two of them try strategizing, and all I think is whoever built Allison and Natalie's boobs did really good work. Allison in the DR states Matt and Natalie owe them, and that will really matter since both couples are on the block. Allison swears not to screw over the other two, and Natalie smiles and nods, not knowing what the words mean but being glad that Allison is making them. Anyway, they make it clear they will send Sheila and Adam home if one goes up. Or rather, Natalie will tell Matt the idea, Matt will say no, and Natalie will fold like the cheap slut she is.

Ah damn it, we'd almost gone five whole minutes without seeing Asshole. He and Sharon emerge from the DR to pick players for the veto. The only thing of note is Sheila still refuses to sit within touching distance of Adam, presumably lacking any disinfectant with which to spray him. Sheila and Adam are the couple picked to compete.

Now, if Matt and Natalie had any brains, they'd make sure Sheila and Adam won this POV. If they do, they can't be nominated. Sheila and Adam could take Matt and Natalie off. James and Chelsia would go up, and James and Chelsia would go out the door. But there I go again, using the "brains" word. These people have no brains, nor do they have shame.

Asshole and Sharon are next in the HOH with Matt, telling him to win this for them. Matt being an idiot, agrees without a second thought. Asshole pontificates about how awesome he is and how Allison and Ryan suck, reminding me why I want to hit him. Asshole then declares he would take Matt off the block if he won the veto, in spite of the fact that everyone in his alliance wants Matt gone, and none of them give a flying fuck-monkey about Allison.

With that it's time for the Veto. James comes out dressed in a toga, making me wonder if he's supposed to wear that to host or if James and Chelsia had a really wild night. It's to host, as all of the women dress up in angel costumes. Because when I think things that go with angels, I think Greek togas.

The competition involves the women being put in harnesses that are attached to the men by cable. The men run back and forth between their women and a bin full of puzzle pieces. When the men go for the pieces, the women are lifted into the air. Their goal is to assemble a puzzle in the air, then stick the heart beside it with an arrow, first couple to finish wins.

First, enough with the Cupid and the fucking love theme CBS. None of these people are capable of love, they can't feel emotions in the void where their hearts should be, so drop the fucking love shit, it's not working! If you want to make a theme for this season, then my suggestion is change the end of this challenge from "pierce the red heart with an arrow" to "pierce the open vagina with the penis". Second, why do they need to stab a heart with an arrow, shouldn't finishing the puzzle be enough?

Our first bit of idiocy here comes from (of course) Sheila, who is afraid of heights. Sheila, it's at most ten feet. At most. You're tethered to your partner. You can't fall! And their are cushions directly beneath you! Do you honestly think you can hoist Adam's fat ass? Evidently not as, despite this exchange, Sheila gets in the damn harness. So, what was the point of that?

The challenge is every bit as you would expect seeing people putting together a puzzle, while using a pulley, to be. Allison and Natalie shriek a bunch, as the two of them end up in the lead, and Matt and Natalie win by a narrow victory. Who cares.

When Matt and Natalie win, Asshole and Sharon remind us that the two of them have not an ounce of class between them by shrieking and jumping up and down like they just won the fucking lottery. Matt is thrilled that Natalie's brain works in "an honest way". Honestly psychotic maybe. Natalie think's she'll have bruises since Matt tackled her when they won, but then again she's used to having Matt's body on top of her. Once again I am disturbed by Natalie and her Fatal Attraction esc relationship with Matty.

Allison states in the DR she feel's "such an array of emotions", like anger, disgust, more anger, nausia, and ever more anger. Chelsia was cheering for herself in the competition, and then when she remembered she wasn't playing in it, she cheered for Ryan and Allison since they weren't Matt and Natalie.

Next scene we see Allison in the kitchen ~~whining~~ talking about how much Asshole hates her and how she and Ryan can't save themselves. We then see an unheard of event as Allison... apologizes to Ryan for her behavior. Wow, a player admitting not only fault, but seeking forgiveness for it! That's never happened before in the BB9 house!

Now we watch Matt dancing like a dick up in the HOH room. He state's in the DR he wants to be on everyone elses good side. To appeal to Asshole, he dances like a flaming fruit while singing about Allison going home. Asshole mocks Allison, since as the bigger person it's good for him to make fun of someone when they're not around to defend themselves. Natalie shows up next and dances also, especially when Matt promises her a massage. She calls it the power of God at work. Remember that, it'll be important later.

Matt goes to Ryan, and in the DR admits he considers Ryan a friend. Matt promises Ryan that he won't overlook him and Allison saving Matt and Natalie. He then verifies he is pronouncing Ryan and Allison's names correctly for when he vote's to evict them, while Ryan starts to wonder if Matt has any food on him.

Now Matt goes to Allison to rub it in that she's going home, while pretending he gives a damn what she has to say. Allison sobs openly, pouring her heart out to Matt, while he reacts with barely masked boredom, border lining on contempt. He calls her a smart girl, and a few times it sounds like he's talking to a dog instead of a girl. Matt tells her to go stir up trouble, cuz the last time that happened it worked out so well.

It's been a whole episode, and Sheila and Adam haven't complained about each other. It's time to fix that! We watch in the kitchen as Sheila tells Allison about how "Adam always starts a fight" with her before competitions. Okay Sheila, Allison, Asshole, and Adam all regularly fight with you. What do these fights all have in common? YOU!

Sheila whines a lot about Adam, bitching about how Adam sucks and he is the reason she is loosing in competitions. In the Cabin Room we watch Sheila bitch/shriek at Adam as he tries to smooth things over. Sheila shrieks that Adam acts like he's the only one doing anything, when she's started several big fights damn it! Do those count as nothing? Maybe? Sheila then shrieks that he's not listening and maybe she should talk to the wall, since Adam doesn't hear her. James from the other side starts talking through the wall, calling Sheila a dick-munching man hater. Sheila screams she doesn't hate men, she just hates all the men she's ever met.

"Oh Matt!"
"Oh Alex!"

Now we see Matt going up to the HOH. Didn't we just have this scene? Well Asshole isn't there, only Sharon. Matt states he has to use his charm with Sharon, known as "roofies", do disarm her and get her to do what he wants. Matt talks to her about how "Allison is constantly stirring the pot", which is what he asked Allison to do. Uh, what is his goal here? To tell people two different things and hope they never compare notes? I dunno, Matt's a border-line retard, he makes out briefly with Sharon while low budget porn music, and this scene amounts to nothing.

In the DR Sharon admits she knows Matt is trying to seduce her, the bottles of chloroform told her how, but since she's horny she'll let him proceed. Asshole shows up telling Matt that Natalie is outside, downing a bottle of vodka and cutting herself while screaming about how much she loves Matty. Natalie starts coming up the stairs, so Asshole and Sharon tell Matt to hide in the bathroom. Natalie enters carrying a kitchen knife and the display case where she plans to put Matt's head, and asks where he is. Asshole of course tells immediately because...well he's an asshole, this isn't news.

Matt comes out and Nutalie accuses him of hiding from her, while ranting like a crazy woman. The two leave and Asshole tries to convince Sharon to spread her legs for Matt to get ahead. It works for Chelsia!

Now we see Matt playing pool with James and Ryan, whining about how terrible it is that a blow-job dispensing crazy chick wants to have sex with him all the time, and all he would have to do would be fake attraction. Yeah the misery it is to live your life Matty.

I'm skipping ahead to the next non-Matt and Natalie scene, mostly because all of the scenes with the two of them amount to Matt yelling and Natalie being insane. The problem is that the next non-Matt and Natalie scene is six minutes later! Yes, from the moment Matt walks up to see Sharon, to the moment Matt declares him and Natalie to be just friends (while Natalie in the DR thinks this is a sign he is her soul mate), we have six solid minutes of the two of them being idiots.

Now we have Allison trying to talk to Asshole. Allison wants to talk to Asshole, who claims they've screamed everything out, he's insulted and threatened her (while laughing about it), so what's the big deal? When Allison asks him about it, Asshole states she "is stirring up drama", something even she can't figure out. Okay Asshole, starting drama is not manipulating people, that's part of the game. Starting drama is, oh say, screaming at women and threatening to attack them for fun. Asshole states he doesn't care what Allison thinks, he doesn't care if she likes him because he doesn't like her. If it's any consolation I hate you Asshole.

Ugh, it's time to start talking about something else that infuriates people who watched this season, The Siren of Doom, marvelous. We watch our group of dumbasses pour into the house from the backyard, noticing a note on the kitchen table. They all go to the living room, where Sharon read the note and explains that BB will "at some point in the coming week" make a very distinct sound. We then hear the sound and it's super annoying, kind of like if you combined Sheila and Amanda's voices into one super-voice. When they hear that, they will need to gather in the living room for "the unexpected".

The idiots all talk about how they hope the siren does something good, and they all make really stupid guesses as to what it will do. Anyone with a half a brain should know that the siren will end the couple's twist, but a half a brain is one full brain more then most of these monkeys have.

The episode is all but over, so I'm going to skip to the veto. Matt and Natalie badmouth Allison a lot, since they remember how she saved them (supposedly) and want to express their gratitude. To the shock of no one, they use the veto on themselves and are taken off the nomination block. Asshole and Sharon nominate Adam and Sheila as replacements. If their was even the slightest bit of justice in the world, then Sheila and her mouth would be evicted now so I wouldn't have to listen to her whine. But Justice is blind and Sheila is a bitch, so you can expect Sheila to stay and Allison to go.