Previously on Big Brother: Killing Time Till Season 10, stuff happened, none of it interesting. Jen and Parker and Ryan and Allison were nominated for eviction, Matt and Nutjob Natalie won the veto, told Parker they would use it on them, and didn't. The house guests became more annoying, but sadly only two are going tonight. I say pitch all these dicks, but that's just me. Jen ended the episode by saying she was going to quit playing nice. I assume this means that she's now going to devour Ryan after the two have sex, rather then just dreaming about doing it. Tonight though one couple, whose names are Jen and Parker, will be leaving.
The Chen-Bot welcomes us wearing a bizarre combo of business suite and purple noose. Wait, that's a scarf. Anyway, our robotic host goes over what happened in the last week, reminding us about the stupid pairs twist. She mentions that Jen and Ryan decided to spill their secret, which is bullshit. Jen made an executive decision, with heavy emphasis on execute. The Chen-Bot decides to tell us that one couple will be voted out. Wow! I totally didn't see that coming! Someone will be leaving!? On eviction night!?
WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS JOB?
Now I could make fun of the Chen-bot and her dramatic pivots when she walks all day long, but I wont. Instead, let's go to our first scene of the episode and make fun of our favorite firm-ass punching bag, Amanda. Amanda is up in the HOH room, mouth running like a fan belt, dressed in a striped cave-man outfit. At first it's hard to tell what she's say, because when I hear Amanda's voice I immediately pretend I'm hearing something more pleasant, like vomiting or country music.
If you do choose to listen, you realize she's actually talking to someone. A real person. Not just the voices in her head! She's blah-blahing to this person about how he's viewed as cocky and arrogant, and how she has nothing to do with it. Then why the hell are you telling him this? We then see this person is Joshua. Amanda, you left out a few descriptions, like obnoxious, selfish, monstrosity, waste of sperm, etc.
Incidentally, their are mirrors in the HOH room, and in them Amanda's lower half is blurred out. Amanda is giving this speech to Joshua, without wearing pants. Honest to God I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with these people.
Joshua points out that Amanda's big mouth is her biggest flaw. No, I'd say her lack of impulse control, and the fact that her hair weighs down her brain are bigger flaws. We get a montage of Amanda gossiping to people who clearly don't give a fuck what Amanda has to say, also known as the rest of the human race. She tells things that she shouldn't, like Alex having been declined four times for one credit card, but I must ask something. Why would you tell personal secrets to a known gossip? Isn't that asking for trouble? Morons.
Chelsia is next to remind the audience (if we were nodding off, not unlikely), that Amanda is doing a lot of gossiping and it will bite her in her firm ass. Natalie is next up, taking time out of painting mermaids on paper towels with nail polish and believing the number eight holds a message from God, to state Amanda is looking for attention. Natalie then denies that she gave Matt two blow jobs, before shrieking that he doesn't pay enough attention to her. Or rather, that's what should happen.
Amanda and Natalie are in the sauna room together, in the sauna, talking about how they have to win HOH (not fucking likely Amanda). No one knows the two of them are allies yet, and it's important to keep it secret. Which is why they ignore James and Allison, who are sitting five feet away playing cards! A sauna stall is not a sound proof booth you dolts!
Natalie whines that Amanda's gossiping could get her in trouble, so she decides to gossip about Amanda too the rest of the women about how much Amanda sucks! Wait, what? This gets Chelsia pissed off, about as much as James did after the two fucked and he asked if he could pay the bill later. Like the confrontational hooker that she is, Chelsia storms into the backyard for the sole purpose of picking a fight with Amanda.
Amanda is in the hot tub and (thankfully) not saying a thing. Everything is calm and quiet. Chelsia though knows that tact is for the weak, and begins to fight with Amanda. When Amanda states she heard James say that he would put up Alex and her, Chelsia forgets that James stiffed her after their last fuck, and decides that he is her partner damn it! And that matters for some reason! Chelsia starts shrieking "We are a team, we are one!". No you are a pair, a duo, a couple, you're two fucking people Chelsia!
Amanda tries to defend herself, and Chelsia responds like all women this season, by cussing at Amanda and cutting her off. She yells that maybe Amanda didn't say Chelsia said anything, maybe she said James said something (yeah, she did, five seconds ago), and Chelsia continues to ramble like bag lady. Amanda tries to find out why Chelsia is mad, and Chelsia responds with all the class God gave her by screaming "I'm fucking pissed off, listen to me!". Chelsia, you're so loud that people in space can hear you. Please shut up.
Every time Amanda starts to talk, Chelsia immediately cuts her off by claiming she's not finished, and then begins cursing at her again. Gee, I can't imagine why Amanda doesn't want to hear you talk Chelsia, stupid bitch. Joshua in the DR decides it's a good time to turn the house against Amanda. Have I mentioned yet that Joshua considers himself a good Christian. Yes that's very Christian, starting fights and attacking someone who was caught off guard by the ramblings of a crazy prostitute.
Joshua jumps up and begins the nastiest tirade we've seen yet, screaming that she's a fucking bitch, calling her horse face, screaming everyone hates her, that she's too ugly to be slapped, that her partner hates her, and she should die. In case you were curious, Joshua is screaming these things about six inches away from her, so close spit hits her. Asshole. He then calls her a fucking whore (she's a virgin!) and tells her to shut the fuck up. You know you fucking douche, the only people yelling were you and Chelsia. Joshua then reminds me just why I called him a complete monster when in the DR, he calls his screaming attack on Amanda "the most fun he had in the house". Very Christian.
Amanda asks if the whole house hates her (since everyone is now outside) while Alex buries his head in his hands. Joshua continues to scream that Amanda's a fucking bitch, and then gestures like he's about to smack her, but only hits the water instead. This is the first time the viewers get to see the patented "Joshua Woman Fight", where Joshua verbally and nearly physically attacks women, screaming horrible, hateful things at them, and calling it fun. If you noticed, I only said women, not men. Why? I'll get to that later on.
Also, Joshua wasn't involved in this fight, he chose to involve himself. If you're curious, the number of fights he was already in when he started screaming threats and insults at women? A whopping zero!
Joshua climbs out of the hot tub, snarling like the barely house trained animal he is, and runs off in a huff of self-righteous indignation. In the DR, Joshua brags about how he's turned the whole house against Amanda. No, if anyone was angry at Amanda, they now feel sorry since you and Chelsia double teamed her you prick.
Alex now yells that James and Chelsia ("are one!" Matt chirps), and if you say something about one, you say it about the other. Not really. You people can't really think the partners twist is going to last the whole game, right? You know what, don't answer that.
Joshua then comes out, deciding he's not been a big enough asshole, screaming Amanda is a fucking saint and deserves a halo. Chelsia then says something that even to this day disgusts me, and reminds me why I probably wouldn't slow my car if I saw her crossing the street.
"Or a noose." Yes, yes really, Chelsia is making fun of the suicide of Amanda's father. Their are some moments in reality TV where I've felt uncomfortable. The Ted-Ghandia incident of Survivor Thailand. The witch-hunt of Stacie in Apprentice 2. Times when we've seen the absolute worst, most foul moments of behavior from people. This is one of them.
Joshua pipes up that it would be "just like her father". Fuck you too! To use the suicide of a parent against someone is morally reprehensible. Amanda is incredibly broken up about her father's death, and rather clearly still blames herself, and to bring that up as a tool in an argument!? Because your mad Amanda gossips? GO TO HELL YOU FUCKING BASTARDS. Suicide is the worst, most painful fucking thing people have to deal with, you don't make fun of it you goddamn cunt.
Even the rest of the house sees this as a low blow, but thankfully Joshua and Chelsia don't bring it up again. Wait, no that's not what happens. All though it didn't make it into the live show, Joshua and Chelsia made comments like that all week long, and behind Amanda's back. The crown jewel being Chelsia stating if Amanda does well in the next HOH competition, she'd use her key-chain as a noose and make a hanging motion to throw her off. Chelsia, with all the dignity, grace, and class of a pedophile crack whore.
Amanda starts screaming, but is crying at the same time. Joshua
I may say (and will continue to say) a lot of mean things about Amanda, but this is just sickening. For them to bring up something that painful and find it funny or clever...their are no words, honestly. Amanda runs off sobbing, Chelsia just looks bored by all of this. Keep it classy Chelsia. Allison has to go comfort Amanda, and in the DR makes it clear she's sickened by all of this also. Parker and Sharon also comfort her while she's in the bathroom, Sharon stating that Amanda needs to ride this out and when Joshua and Chelsia get what they want, they'll quit. They want Amanda evicted moron. Jen is there also, but barely paying attention to Amanda, more focused on her hair. These people honestly are shallow enough to drown in a Dixie cup.
Parker stays with her, since he's her partner. Well no he isn't, but or actual partner couldn't be bothered to leave the back yard. Amanda asks if she's horse faced and ugly. Since she's had a long night, I'll let that one go.
You know how you can tell an episode sucks? All of that stuff I bitched about happened in the first ten minutes! We've got thirty more to go!!!
The Chen-bot greets us again, because when you need an episode to be exciting and not nauseating, you go to Julie Chen. She reminds us real life couple Jen and Ryan (Jen and Ryan are dating!? Wow, I totally missed the five hundred times everyone has said it in five episodes!) are about to be torn apart, and alludes to them already being on the rocks. Why would they be? Our next scene will answer that question.
We cut to Jen inside the kitchen/DR, yammering about how the odds are against her. Well yeah, but you did that too yourself you pinhead. She say's she'll do whatever it takes to stay, from death threats to selling Parker into sexual slavery. Jen wanders over to Sheila who is also in the kitchen, and starts talking before Sheila can tell Jen to buy her book.
"I feel I deserve to be here more then Ryan does." Why is that Jen? "Ryan is also a racist."
...
.....
.......
.........I got nothing. I mean, wow. Ryan, who is (to quote Reality News Online) "the nice guy in a house full of slime", is being accused of racism. And why? Because Jen doesn't want to be voted out of a game. Jen is looking at two choices, her boyfriend of nine months who loves her, or a one in twelve shot at a half a million bucks. The answer should be obvious, yet her answer is "Money is the greatest thing ever! I can buy a new Ryan!"
Ryan, dump Jen. You could find someone much better. You could go to the Free Clinic and find someone with stricter morals and less of a desire to wound people for immediate reward. Yeah, I mean immediate, even if Ryan and Allison went, Jen would most likely buy herself a week, and then be out the door.
Anyway, Jen yaps about how she shouldn't be saying bad things about Ryan, and since she couldn't think of any bad enough she made them up! Sheila continues to speak out her rear as she says the usual crap about it being what it is, and that Ryan is just like that, blah blah blah. Jen, you think that Allison and Sheila are lesbian lovers. What chance do you have in getting Sheila to vote Allison out? How do you manege to get your shirt over your plastic boobs without fucking it up?
Seeing as Sheila is every bit the gossip Amanda is, but with the luxury of not having people care about her, she decides to immediately tell everyone who will listen, or who is trapped and can't run away screaming when she opens her mouth. Sheila first pounces on Sharon in the shower. Very smart Sheila, Sharon is a modest girl, she's not likely to run from the shower nude, and if she tired, she's still wet and might slip while trying to run. Plus Sharon hasn't known you as long as the others, and hasn't realized your mouth is a black hole of stupid! Sharon might actually believe you have something relevant to say!
Wait, false alarm. We suddenly cut to Jen and Natalie in the bathroom with Allison, no Sharon, and Sheila sitting on a chair in there reading a book. ...Kay, so that was just an excuse to show a nude Sharon in the shower?
Good call.
Jen states she dated one black guy in her entire life. Yeah, Parker. CBS held a gun to your head. Everyone in the house knows it, it's not news Jen. She then claims that this makes Ryan sick, specifically because she dated a black man. Huh, I wasn't aware racists considered anyone who once dated someone of a different race to be damaged goods. Then again we all know Jen is damaged goods, or rather, a complete bitch.
Jen gives her "Ryan is a racist Klan member" spiel, with Sheila piping in every so often because God knows every conversation is Sheila's business. Jen further cements her place in the universe as someone to stupid to drink a glass of water without drowning, by going into her racist Ryan tirade, while his partner is standing beside her!
Yes, yes she is. Allison immediately does the smart thing and tells her partner, reminding me why I actually like Allison. Even better, she's telling Matt, Josuah, and Sheila all this also. Not only will this spark fights between Jen and Ryan, Jen's "racist" comment will most likely do the exact opposite of what she wanted. Jen if you are so greedy you'd throw your boyfriend of nine months in the trash for a pile of bucks, then why the hell would people keep you? Why would anyone align with you? My God you're pathetic.
Sheila and Allison tell Ryan, who reacts like a sane person should, with confusion. Confusion morphs into anger, as Sheila asks "Why do you think she said that?" Gee, why would the girl who is up for eviction tell everyone the guy who is up against her for eviction, is a racist? Hmm, ya got me!
Ryan says he wont get in Jen's face, before immediately storming out of the room to get in Jen's face. It wouldn't be Season 9 without people contradicting themselves seconds after they say something. He confronts Jen who is in the living room with Natalie. I must assume she's telling Natalie about how Ryan is a drug using Satan worshiper who fucks goats.
Ryan snarls that he wants to talk, and Jen (poorly) pretends she has no idea what he wants. We cut to the backyard with Ryan and Adam, with Jen coming out and still protesting innocence. As Ryan starts to get worked up, Jen says that she's never done anything behind his back, and that their relationship means everything to her. If by nothing, you mean called him a racist, I agree.
Jen continues to lie and protest, and why? At this point, it would actually be better if she admitted it. With every lie and denial, she's digging herself a bigger grave. Jen snaps that nothing "whoever said" is true, while Ryan states that this person has no reason to lie. Jen figures out instantly who said something to Ryan.
"It was Sheila!"
Yeah, Sheila, and not Allison who was literally three feet away and was his goddamn partner! Jesus Jen sucks. Jen continues to play innocent, even after she lets it drop she knows it was a racist thing. Now it's completely obvious to both Ryan and Adam that Jen is a bad liar, and saying shit behind Ryan's back. Jen should come clean, that's what a sane person would do.
If you're Jen though, you not only defend your comments, you try to convince your boyfriend that he is a racist! Bravo Jen, bravo. Yeah, Jen flat out tells Ryan he has a race issue, and blathers on for a while about it, Ryan just standing there looking sick. Finally the conversation comes to an end, and Adam offers them both some good deals on marijuana.
Ryan actually has to go and defend himself to Parker in the Cabin Room, even though Parker doesn't believe Jen's crap. Honestly Jen, it's one thing to ruin your own reputation, but to drag your BOYFRIEND'S reputation through the mud so you wont loose a game? That's deplorable. Allison and Sheila who are also there, planning their fake lesbian honeymoon, tell Ryan they believe him and he leaves.
Literally the second the door closes, Jen storms in, screeching about how she didn't call Ryan a racist. Bullshit, I've got it on tape! Are you honestly so fucking stupid that you didn't notice the fifty plus cameras in the house recording your every move Jen? Jen states that she just said Ryan had race issues, before BB helpfully shows us a clip of Jen flat out calling him a racist. God this is so trashy it's actually fun. Then again, any time Jen looks like the bitch she is, that's fun.
Jen starts fake crying, without her eyes getting moist, about how the others are trying to break them up (no Jen, you're trying to break the two of you up), and she keeps denying she made those comments. The problem is, she's denying them to Sheila, the person she told them too!
Jen actually starts to scream that she didn't say Ryan is a racist, Sheila did. Jen, shut up. You're doing more harm then...well you're just doing a lot of harm. Sheila for once adds something intelligent (yeah I know, I was shocked also), when she points out that Ryan is her boyfriend, so why would Jen say shit like that?
Thankfully Jen has an answer, and that answer is: Babble like a loon, and try to yell louder then Sheila. Ryan walks in, and now Jen is defending Ryan's views on race. Wow, I swear I could actually hear a loud 'clunk' when Jen started to back-peddle. Now all three girls are yelling, and Ryan correctly points out Jen's comments will effect his actual life. Jen actually blames Allison for causing her and Ryan to fight. People, I couldn't make this up if I tried.
In the DR, Allison calls Jen a born liar, and thinks she gets off on it. I think she's right. Jen keeps screaming, yelling that this has nothing to do with Allison. In the DR, she calls the most important thing in her life her relationship with Ryan. But if she wins a half a million dollars, she can buy a new most important thing. Ryan is so annoyed, he acts like he's about to quit just to get away from Jen! I hear you man.
Jen finally manages to calm him down by claiming she didn't call him racist (yes you did), just that she said "you have a problem with interracial relationships". Yeah, that's much better. Their argument ends with Jen saying she loves him, like the emotionally manipulative pariah that she is.
Now we're back with the Chen-bot, and it's time to check in on the house guests. They're extremely happy, presumably because Jen will soon be gone. That would make me ecstatic. The Chen-bot and the various house guests engage in some really painful and dull banter, none of which I will post here to spare you. The only bit of note is Jen claiming she went on the block for Ryan. Bullshit, you went on the block WITH Ryan, and then tried to convince everyone he was a racist! That's totally the same thing as going on the block for him in Jen's warped mind.
Before we vote, we get a trade mark of seasons 2-9, Pointless Diary Room Sessions Before They Vote! Specifically, it's people talking about the positives and negatives of keeping each of the nominated couples before they vote one off.
Matt and Natalie can't even think of any reason to keep Ryan and Allison, but claim they should be evicted since they've been "playing this game since we were sipping champagne the first night". Yeah, that makes them smarter then...well, you. Chelsia and James blah-blah about Allison and Ryan "having our backs" (oh you poor stupid hooker). Jen and Parker should go for being bad bunk mates according to the two, because Parker turns the light on, which pisses Chelsia up! Yeah, that's totally rude. It's much more polite to have sex in a room full of other people like you two.
We now get to another staple of Big Brother Live Evictions, something that, no matter how much I beg God, won't go away. The Julie Chen Interviews The HOH segment. This week it's Alex and Amanda's turn to be dissected on national TV. The "couple" who loathe each other are told to say whatever is on their minds. Chen-bot, you're implying that Alex and Amanda have minds, and the jury is still out on that one.
Amanda is asked about the fight she had, and she states she's forgiven the rest of the house, though I have no idea why. They haven't forgiven you, made it super personal, and are clearly targeting the two of you. Don't forgive them you moron! The only thing worse would be trying something stupid, like aligning with Joshua.
Now it should be time to vote, but first we
We go to commercial and we return with the Chen-bot giving us the great, err, grave news. The votes are in, and one of the two couples will be leaving. She talks to the house guests, and announces before she reveals the results, she'll let the two couples have one final plea to get people to change their votes! Even though they already voted! Someone get a doctor, the stupid in this house is contagious and the Chen-bot caught it.
Frankly, this episode is going waaay to fucking long, so I'll wrap this shit up. Jen and Parker are evicted by a vote of 3-1, which stuns me. I expected it to be unanimous. Jen cries and kisses Ryan, Parker just kind of stumbles around like he barely knows what's going on, or he's too high to care. Adam must have hooked him up with some good shit.
The two walk out to the cheers of a live audience...wait, that's season 10. They walk out like losers to the silence they deserve, and sit down for an interview with Julie who is ten feet away. None of the questions matter, and to be honest, it just sucks life out of this lifeless episode.
The Chen-bot does her stupid interview, and then it's time for the next Head Of Household competition. She once again explains just what the HOH is, for the viewers with short term memory loss. The competition is a majority rules style, with all couples except the outgoing HOH competing
The competition is called Big Brother Democracy, with the Chen-bot asking six questions, and the couples having to answer them at that moment. Those who answer in the majority get a point, those who don't get dick. Which couple has the most points wins, it's fairly standard stuff.
Question 1: Would the house rather give up hot food or hot water for seventy two hours. Well hot food would be the more logical choice, which is why James and Chelsia, Sheila and Adam, and Joshua and Sharon all chose hot water. Oh, and the Chen-bot announces that whatever they pick will actually happen! Bravo, have fun getting clean or jerking off in your ice cold showers.
Question 2: What would the majority of the house rather see the women wear for the next twenty-four hours, a bathing suite or their soul-mates favorite outfit? With this house, those two are one in the same. They all answer A. All the women wear bathing suites non-stop anyways, so that's nothing special.
Question 3: Would the house rather give up utensils or drinking glasses for a week? Okay guys, you can eat food with your hands. You can drink soup out of a bowl. If you give up utensils, you make a minor change. If you give up drinking glasses, you'll have to spend a week drinking everything from bowls! Everything, including hot drinks like coffee! Do you want coffee up the nose!? Oh dear God, Allison and Ryan, James and Chelsia, and Joshua and Sharon all chose cups. You know, I've joked these people are too stupid to drink a glass of water without drowning, but I must revise that statement. They're too stupid to drink a bowl of water without drowning.
Question 4: Would the house rather have a margarita party or an outdoor grill? Since they don't have glasses, they can't exactly have a margarita party. That's not stopping them though! They all chose to have a party involving drinking large amounts of booze, without any cups. What the hell could I possibly add to this? Well, I can add my thoughts on their choices thus far, in one clear statement.
Question 5: For the next week, would you rather have the men serve breakfast in bed, or the women cook dinner. Since the women cook dinner already anyways, it would make sense for them to chose breakfast in bed. Nope, Chelsia and James, Matt and Natalie, and Allison and Ryan want the women to cook dinner. Incidentally, they cut to Alex briefly during this challenge, and we can see him wincing every time they make a stupid decision. Dude, I feel your pain.
Question 6: Last question (thank God), would the house rather give up exercise equipment or the washing machine for two weeks. Since they lack hot water, they're all going to stink up the house, so they should give up the exercise equipment. At least have clean clothes, might make you all a bit cleaner. Plus you can survive without the work out equipment for two weeks, I doubt all of you own two weeks worth of clothing. You'll have to wash all your stuff in the sink in cold water! Don't pick the washing machine! For fucks sake you morons don't pick the washing machine! Nope, all but Matt and Natalie get rid of the washing machine. Oh sweet Lord that house is going to stink.
With that James and Chelsia get all six correct, are the only couple to do so, and become the new Heads of Household! Yes, they get to reign over a house that smells like ass, lacks hot water, cups, and a washing machine, but will at least have a margarita party.
I'm going to keep up my prayers that this season ends with the President ordering an aerial strike on the BB house, presumably after the cloud of stink emanating from it becomes self-aware. Or because he just wants the world to be a less shallow place, and that's the best way to do it.
Reasons For Jen's Loss: Jen lost because she was cocky, a bad liar, and chose to expose her secret relationship way to early.
Reasons For Parker's Loss: Same as Jen, plus his inability to pick an alliancemate who would use the veto on him.
WHO WILL SURVIVE?
No comments:
Post a Comment