Big Brother 9 - Episode 3

Previously on Big Brother : Stupid Is As Jacob Does, Parker and Jen became the Power Couple, evicted Jacob (for being a moron) and Sharon (for standing beside Jacob), followed by Alex and Amanda winning HOH.

Alex tells us how excited/sad he is about winning HOH, someone giving us all this spiel without expressing a single emotion.  It's at this point I realize why Alex is so forgettable.  The guy might as well be carved out of wood.  He's almost emotionless, he's boring as hell, and he barely has a personality.  Sadly that makes him Reality TV Hall Of Fame material among this cast.

Chelsia then gives her thoughts because what I need to make my day complete are the thoughts of fucking Chelsia.  She whines about how Amanda is going to prance around with the HOH key and her "ridiculous short shorts.".  Lady, you are dressed like a hooker!  Chelsia finishes her whine by claiming Amanda "wants every one to know who the princess is".  Yeah because you're so totally known for being  humble Chelsia, and a gracious loser!  No wait, you're known for having sex with strangers.  Go back to your corner.

Sheila gives her insight that her and Adam's actions might not make the two of them that popular (ya think?  Honest to God these people are stupid).  Ryan wanted to win so he and Jen would stay safe, and mentions Jen is his girlfriend no one knows about.  This is not just a throw away comment though, it's  The Diary Room Session Of Ironic Foreshadowing!, meaning that very soon all will know Jen is his girlfriend.  And all will known he aimed low and settled for very little.  Parker says "like" a bunch of times, and compares them to Kathy Griffith and Pauly Shore.  Hey a perfect comparison for every pair!

When they go back in side, the memory wall is now there (I guess it wasn't before).  Amanda decides that this special occasion is missing complaints, so she will provide them.  Amanda calls it "my worst picture ever" and that she'd have rather had a shot of her ass.  Given how often you talk out of it, that would have been fitting.

Jen continues to endear herself to the rest of the house and the audience by pointing out she is the first one on the wall, which is a sign that she is going to win.  Jen, never take up fortune telling, you suck at it.  Being so arrogant and cocky naturally earns cries of bitch from everyone else.  Parker in particular curses her out with James, rather then doing the sensible thing, doing damage control with the HOH.  He is completely convinced that he is going to be voted out.  Hey, maybe someone this season does have a brain!

Parker then decides to fight with Jen.  Spoke to soon, Parker is every bit as dense as the rest.  Tell me, what can you achieve by fighting with your partner?  She needs to be willing to work with you if you two want to get far.  Can you really not see why cursing your partner out is a bad thing?

Jen show's us just why she is master of the obvious by commenting that her arrogant statement "was not the greatest thing in the world".  One thing that makes me laugh is that James is standing here, putting his clothing away, while the two of them fight, like it's no big deal.  Adam must have hooked him up with some good shit, and he's floating millions of miles away right now.

Next we see Alison and Joshua talking about that stupid "first one on the wall statement", don't you people have something else to do?  Something interesting?  No?  Just going to rehash something we've yammered about for a while now?  Alright...

Can you spot the difference?

Alison correctly points out she doesn't want to be with someone else boyfriend, especially if that boy is attached to Jen in any way.  Sadly, this rant is not game related, but because she's mad that her partner is not eligible.  Yes really.  This is a game for a half a million dollars, and you're to busy wondering how to get into Ryan's pants to focus on that aspect.  We also get Alison in the Diary Room, first wearing a shirt with her hair down, then a bikini with her hair up.  Bravo editors, bravo!

Can you tell these two weren't filmed
at the same time?

The four "allies" confront each other in the sauna room, with the three pointing out just what a fucking idiot Jen is.  You know, aside from James and Joshua, no one seems to care that much about what Jen said.  Hell, Amanda was joking about it!  Will you people please shut up and start being interesting!?  Alison whines to Jen about how Jen doesn't care what position she's put Alison in, and she threatens to reveal the secret.

...Alison, are you high? As it stands, Jen is a target.  Parker is a target.  Adam and Sheila are still targets.  You?  No one cares about you.  You could run through the house banging pans together, buck naked, with obscenities written over your body in mustard, and no one would care.  If you (stupidly) tell the secret, they'll know you're 1. A liar, and 2. Untrustworthy.  YOU WOULD GO HOME!  Who would be stupid enough to reveal this?  Ryan blathers about staying loyal to Alison and Jen, even though Jen would cut off his nuts if she thought it would keep her off the block.

Well with that...drama?...out of the way, it's time to be nauseated, which must mean it's time to focus on Amanda.  Amanda talks about how people stereo-type her as being dumb due to her having a high pitched voice.  She's telling this to Alex, James, Neil, and Chelsia.

She then segues into her father's suicide.  I don't feel comfortable talking about this, so two observations.  One, Chelsia is making a face through out all of this that show's she doesn't give a fleeting crap that Amanda's father died.  I suspect she makes the same face when she and her customers fuck.  Two, Amanda clearly took her father's death very hard.  Remember that, it'll give you new reasons to hate Joshua and Chelsia later.

Could you please shut up?

Since that was an emotional scene, how about we follow it up with a scene that reminds you just why you hate Amanda.  We see Amanda (followed by Alex) running out of the diary room, screaming like the harpy she is.  Amanda, here's a hint.  People don't think you're an idiot because you have a high pitched voice.  They think you're an idiot because you do loud stupid shit.

Amanda then decides to sit down in the DR and explain to the slow children in the audience that being HOH means you get your own room.  Wow!  That totally blew my mind!  Amanda screams the whole time and jumps up and down like a monkey on crack.  Soon Natalie is jumping with her and screaming with her, and both their voices have achieved a pitch so high only dogs can hear it.

Would you guess they are
looking at pictures?

Just in case the stupid viewers weren't getting it, Alex reminds us that the HOH get their own "roooooom".  Given how this HOH roooooom looks, I'd ask for a new one.  It has a beach theme, and frankly, it's ugly.  We watch Amanda and Alex look at their pictures...or rather, we watch the front and back of Amanda's fat head block anyone else from seeing their pictures.

With that stupidity out of the way, it's time for a bigger pile of stupid, courtesy of Jen and Parker.  The two of them confront Alison about, what else, telling everyone the secret.  Alison denies that she will, Jen and Parker are certain of it, and I start to wonder if Jen and Parker want everyone to know their secret.  Parker yaps about Alison "hinting" at telling everyone, and I must ask why?  Why would she do it?  How is she hinting to you two?  I guess whenever Alison tells them "No" she means "I'm going to tell everyone, get you and Jen evicted, then laugh about it and have sex with Ryan!"

Jen and Parker continue to argue with Alison, calling her childish.  Yes, she's so childish for keeping this secret, not telling people, and just wanting to be left alone.  You know, maybe Alison just doesn't like spending time with douche bag's whose hair looks like a dead plant.

Parker then decides to yap about Alison being a ticking time-bomb, and all she needs to do is shut up and things will be good.  We get more of Jen's charm with her yelling in the DR about how Alison needs to keep her mouth shut.  You know, Alison hasn't come close to spilling the beans.  You grabbing Ryan and kissing him in a room with no doors in which anyone could walk in could have revealed the secret.

We then learn Adam is not circumcised.  ...not circumcised.  GAH!  CAN'T UN-HEAR!  What the fuck is with these people?  They honestly sit around having conversations about dicks?  What the fuck dude, why can't you keep that shit to yourself!?  Also, why is James looking at it?

Seriously, why is James looking?

Since this is a scene involving Adam, that means it also involves Sheila complaining about Adam's dick (somebody kill me).  You know, one day ago you were screaming about how Adam was ugly, insensitive, just not your type.  So why the hell would him being uncut matter?  Are you seriously implying the only thing that's keeping you from locking your lips around little Adam is that he's uncircumcised?

Jen laughs about it, mentions she's never seen an uncut dick, so Adam whips it out for all the girls to see.  I swear, the way they're acting you'd think Adam was showing them the Dead Sea Scrolls.  I keep waiting for someone to snap a picture, or for Sheila to start acting like a tour guide.  "This is the rare, uncircumcised dick,  almost unheard of."  So the only thing we've gotten out of this sequence are nightmares and the knowledge that Adam is not Jewish.

We next get a scene of Allison and everyone's favorite 45 year old single mother talking.  Since it's a scene featuring both Allison and Sheila, it sucks what little life this episode has had out.  Allison rambles like a loon, and mentions she and Ryan are a huge target.  Sheila may be too stupid to operate a blanket, but even she picks up on this, and asks the obvious question.  Why?  Who gives a fuck about you and the unshaved dough boy that is your partner?  Well, Allison tells Sheila that Ryan has a secret, but refuses to say what.  That's some Grade A. strategy right there folks.  Now Sheila know's Allison is lying about something, and knows Allison doesn't trust her enough to tell her.

Jen and Parker as you know are paranoid about the secret getting out, and our next scene starts with them talking about it!  Again!  The two of them decide of Allison is going to stupidly tell everyone, the two of them will beat her too the punch, showing everyone in the house the two of them are liars and can't be trusted!  Wait...what's the goal?

The way Parker explains it is "if Ms. Thang tries to spill the beans, we'll already have our tracks covered."  From that I take it to mean...I have no idea!  What the hell is Parker's goal?  What are they going to do?  Did Big Brother instruct him to speak in cliches?  Jen calls it a great idea.  What idea!?  What are you talking about!?  What are you planning on doing!?

The answer is tell everyone Jen and Ryan are a couple.  ...So your goal was to stop Allison from telling everyone your big secret, and to do that, you told them all first?  What was the plan here?  How do you moron's manege to open doors without screwing it up?

Parker tells Alex and Matt, who compliment him for being so honest.  No wait, they in fact do the exact opposite.  They make faces like someone farted, and Alex decides Parker is untrustworthy for not telling them sooner.  Matt even mentions that it's hypocritical of Parker to keep a secret, but he woke everyone up at four in the morning for their little house meeting.  I'm actually glad Matt brought that up, it's rare these people are so quickly punished for their stupidity, so when it happens it's fun to watch.  Also, not to judge, but when Parker gives this revelation, none of them are wearing shirts.  Odd...

Jen brings up Natalie and Amanda to tell the two of them, with Amanda saying she's so nervous she want's to poop (what?).  And what does Ryan have to say about telling these four people?  It does not matter because Jen chose not to ask him!  Girlfriend of the year folks.

Amanda gives us another loud diary room session about how she was "livid", but her expression implies she's taking an anxious poop.  Amanda yaps about how someone she trusted from day one kept a secret from her.  Amanda, it's day five, you've known Jen less then a week.  Get off your high horse.

Matt confronts Allison who channels me by pointing out just how dumb Parker and Jen running around, telling people Jen and Ryan are dating, is.  Allison talks about how she's now playing for her and only her, and Matt agrees to help her tell the rest of the house.  It's too late though, Jen has told everyone because Allison was "going to let it all out".

NO SHE WASN'T!  In your little brain trust, Ryan and Allison were being quiet, you and Parker were making enemies and telling everyone about your secret.  Allison doesn't get to point this out though with Ryan finally saying something, and Jen shouting "Liar don't lie!" while clapping in Allison's face.  How awesome would it be if Allison grabbed Jen's stupid clapping hands and rammed them down her giant throat.  I also find it funny that Jen, freaking Jen of all people, is telling Allison to "get over herself.".  Yeah Ms. "I'm first cuz I'm gonna win", Allison is way to full of herself, she needs someone as humble and grounded as you to help her out.

Jen then tells Allison off for thinking the game revolves around her.  Funny, Jen is fine thinking the game is all about her, but if someone makes a decision (or implies they're making one) that Jen doesn't like, they must be getting an inflated ego.  Also this fight is happening in a bed room, with Chelsia laying on a couch in there like a deflated blow-up doll.  Not important, but this is one of the few time's Chelsia is on screen that doesn't make me want to pimp slap her.

Allison calls Jen disrespectful, and Jen show's us how respectful she is by cursing at Allison and yelling "I don't care" a bunch.  That a girl Jen, always taking the moral high road!  Sheila wonders out in the middle of the fight, looking like Vampira after a bender.  Allison tells her that Jen and Ryan are dating, and Sheila reacts like she was told Jen has six vagina's.  Sheila then yells that she is the most naive person alive.  No argument from me lady.

My reaction to everything
these morons do.

Sheila confirms Allison was going to tell her nothing, but since Jen would rather be eaten alive by badgers then admit being wrong, Jen claims Allison "was going to whisper it to someone".  Okay, now you're moved beyond paranoia into the realm of full blown insanity.  You're not even accusing Allison of anything Jen!  You are attacking Allison for doing what you asked her to do!  What the hell is in between your ears Jen, I want to know!

Allison goes outside, gets in the pool, and decides to tell the rest of the house who are all (conveniently) outside.  She talks to Neil and Joshua, and starts crying because of how the three treated her, which just reminds me that Jen and Parker have the people skills of a kitchen sponge.  Joshua decides to be uncharacteristically smart, and wonders who else knows someone in the house.  Normally Joshua would be on to something, but their were only two pre-existing relationships, Jen and Ryan, and Sharon and Jacob.

This out of character moments is immediately replaced with Joshua doing what he does best, passing judgment on others.  He declares they need to have a house meeting where they pass around the Bible, and swear they know no one else, and if they lie they get sent to hell.  Yeah, because Joshua totally has the authority to damn people to hell!  I wish God had struck him and his faux-hawk down right then for saying something that stupid.

Now in a sane world, someone would have put a stop to this house meeting.  This is not a sane world though, this is Big Brother 9.  You know, James is an atheist.  What does the Bible matter to him?  What does it matter to someone who isn't religious?  Hell, I believe that it's the words and meaning behind the Bible that are significant, the physical book it self is just a book.  I'd like on it in a heart beat.  God this is stupid!

Since everything is Amanda's business, she "felt it needed to be addressed if everyone knew each other" and starts shrieking that everyone needs to come to the living room.  Amanda then claims she took the initiative to yell at everyone, as if she needs an excuse to yell.  Also, does Amanda have to explain that she "took the initiative" with everything?  Does she really feel the need to narrate what we can see her doing?  What do you want to bet when Alex has her in the sack, we'll get a scene like this:
Amanda - I took the initiative to undress him with my teeth and to spread my legs so far apart that you could sail a battleship in to my vagina.  Then I...

Another observation, one of the things Parker did that drove people crazy was he felt, as Power Couple, he and Jen could call a house meeting and you would have to come.  Amanda is doing the exact same damn thing, and she sounds like a rabid gopher when she screams.  If people hated Parker for it, what will they think of you loud ass?  Their is a difference between HOH and Dictator you know.

Amanda yaps a bunch of shit, the most notable of which is that she just came downstairs.  Why is this notable?  Well, in the last scene Amanda was outside, on the ground, not up stairs.  She was then in the kitchen, on the ground, not upstairs.  So the editors are either inept, or Amanda is a sociopathic liar.  Or option C, both.

Smote Him

Anyone who didn't know that Jen and Ryan were dating knows now, since Amanda believes secrets should be shared with the group, preferably through screaming.  They pass the Bible and all swear to God that they know no one in this house.  I reiterate, James does not believe in God, and I don't think Chelsia does either, so what the fuck will them being here do?

For once, I find myself in agreement with Adam, who comes out of his coke induced insanity long enough to call the whole thing stupid.  Amen brother.  Now go back to selling drugs to federal agents, that's not stupid.

Natalie blathers about swearing on the Bible sending you to hell (No, the Bible says not excepting Christ will not bring you into God's kingdom, you can lie on it all you want).  Make a not of this moment, this is the first time Natalie's psychosis is seen.  Right now it's nothing, but soon the signs come together, and you start to wonder if their are two men in white coats waiting outside of the BB house to take Natalie away.  She also claims she hasn't had sex, and as Bill Clinton himself pointed out, oral does not count.

Allison attempts to do damage control by pointing out she felt bad about keeping a secret, and Amanda just watches with this face of contempt...or possible constipation, not sure.  Matt now decides to bring common sense in by pointing out half these people aren't religious (Oh how I wish that were true), and they're just swearing on a bunch of words.  This brief venture into the realm of common sense must now end though, as Matt and Alex start talking in the Sauna Room.

Alex is mumbling about it being "a lot of week".  Not  a long week, but that their has been so much week this week, that we've had more then one week.  I think.  Matt talks about how he and Alex are best friends, how they immediately clicked, how Matt spent time talking to a naked Alex while he showered, and the two appear to be making friendship bracelets.  I'm starting to wonder if Neil and Joshua are the only male couple in the house.  Matt and a still naked Alex talk about how the two of them are going be partners, and going to stay partners till the end.

....No, to easy.

Alex and Matt bring their female partners, the ones who they don't talk to naked in the shower, and talk about how they're now in a power alliance.  Yeah, this will blow up royally.  At least they have a clever plan to run the game, win HOH every week!  A sure fire, can't miss, can't fail plan!  That's Alex and Matt for you, always thinking of never before thought ways to win.

Matt convinces Alex to put up both Jen and Parker and Allison and Ryan, but not because Jen and Ryan are dating, don't be silly.  They're afraid Allison and Ryan would be strong enough to wreck their sure fire plan to win every challenge.  God this is stupid!

Oh fuck me I spoke too soon.  We next move to Sheila and Allison siting on a couch, drinking wine, and I know what's coming.  Their are many, many, many stupid moments in Big Brother 9.  This is one of the more infamous ones.  The Great Lesbian Lie.

Allison and Sheila whine talk about how their partners suck, and how they should spend every moment together, and I begin to look for the six wine bottles these two must have consumed.  Then Sheila suggests that they claim to be lesbians, and Allison laughs and...agrees.

...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IDIOTS THINKING!?

After all that crap about knowing no one else, after that fucking house meeting where Allison prattled on and on about how she knew no one else, she wants to claim she and Sheila are lesbian lovers!?  Not only that, but Sheila wants to claim they're another twist by the show!?  Why in the purple cock-sucking fuck would you do that!?

Allison yaps about how the two of them can be anything they want to be, and Sheila points out their is no rule saying they can't be lesbian lovers.  I'd say the lack of lesbianism prevents you from being lesbians, and I'd like to think common sense would stop you from telling a needless, and stupid, lie.  But as I can see, both of them have been drinking heavily, and when common sense says no, alcohol says "YES, but with rocket boots!".

Joshua wanders up, and seeing as he is gay, and the two are lying about it for...I have no idea, you might assume he'd be offended if he found out the two of them lied to him.  Allison and Sheila however laugh in the face of sensibility, and declare themselves gay.

They go on and on about being lesbians, presumably both believe lesbians crap gold and if they lie about being gay, they'll be able too.  That would make a bit of sense, as once this lie comes out the only way either one will win the grand prize is if they crap it out.  Anyway they beg Joshua to not tell anyone, which in Joshua speak means tell everyone, and threaten to rip Sheila's hair out later.

Sheila finally convinces Joshua by pointing out that she's been physically ill being around Adam, and being gay is why.  Sheila that doesn't prove anything!  I'm physically ill anytime you open your mouth and yet I still love Allison's boobs and her ass.

Allison points out they told Josh because he would tell everybody, and again, why do you want that?  If people think you and Sheila would never vote against each other, what will they do?  Nominate both of you, you stupid fucking bitch.

Joshua prances off to tell everyone, and I again am left to wonder, why did they do this?  What positives are there from lying about being lesbians?  Who even thinks to do that?  How many bottles of booze did you two put down?  I do like that one way Joshua says he can prove it's true is due to how Allison wears riding boots all the time.  It's such an insane leap in logic I can't help but laugh.

Stupid and Whiney Allison and Sheila now tell Chelsia, adding that the two have adopted a son (slams head into wall).  Have I mentioned Allison is one of the smarter, less slutty women this season?  What does that tell you about the women this season?

Well since we just had a scene with Sheila, but without her griping, it must mean we get a scene with Sheila griping about Adam!  Which we do!  Oh happy days!

Sheila is bitching to Parker because everyone else has asked Big Brother permission to open fire on Sheila should she complain to them.  Sheila whines about how Adam is in bad shape, and how she hate's it when he talks about "ballin'" and "rollin'" and "pimping out shit".  Parker laughs because he knows that even if he makes a run for the pool and tries to drown himself, Sheila will follow and keep complaining about Adam.  He probably wonders if he could drown Sheila, but she'd find a way keep talking.

Lucky Bastard

While Sheila yaps about Adam not helping the autistic because of how he talks, we can see Alex and Matt about to get in the hammock for a lovely afternoon together.  Alex flips over in it, falls on his ass, and I kid you not, Parker looks on this with envy.  Alex may have only injured himself, Sheila may cause Parker's head to explode.

As Sheila keeps on bitching (how does she find time to breathe?), Alex in the DR calls her the biggest annoyance in the house.  That statement right there is why America voted for you dude.  Unfortunately, Alex decides to defend Adam to Sheila, causing Sheila to pounce and Parker to run like hell.  Sheila snaps at Alex about how she doesn't go around saying shit about Adam, she's just stuck with an idiot!  I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Both Matt and Alex choose to defend him, and Sheila starts to scream that they're both men and not women. So?  Sheila then screams that Matt should get in bed with him.  Sheila please, we know that Matt's ass bed will always belong to Alex.  Adam then makes the mistake of walking near Sheila, and she starts screaming so much I think she's about to attack him.  In case you are wondering, I have no idea just what Adam did.  Apparently Adam breathing is a damnable offense.  Sheila may be on to something there.

Adam finally does the sane thing and asks, in his usual calm way, just what the fuck did he do to Sheila?  Sheila screeches that she wont tell him, and continues to insult him.  Damn, it's one thing to hate someone, it's another thing to know why you hate them and REFUSE to tell them so they wont change and you can go on hating them.  I am impressed Sheila, you are truly dedicated to hating Adam.

These people are really starting to get to me, so let's bring this episode of Disasterpiece Theater to a close, shall we?  Alex and Amanda tell us their duties as HOH, which are to nominate two couples.  To the shock of no one, Jen and Parker and Ryan and Allison are up for eviction.  To only the shock of me, I'm still only three episodes into a thirty-two episode season.  Someone please kill me.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?