We start off as all bad episodes do, with a DR session from Asshole on Allison. He states that if he had emotions aside from rage and loathing, he would have been happy to see Allison go, especially as she did. Her being miserable was like a gift from Asshole's dark master, and he enjoyed it very much. Now that Allison is gone though, Asshole needs a new target. You know, Sheila is just sitting there doing nothing...
Matt yaps about it being bitter-sweet, because damn it, he didn't want to see Ryan go! Which is why Matt voted to evict him! I know Matt didn't like Allison, but is Sheila really all that much better? Matt yaps he couldn't stand Allison, good to know you spent so much time kissing her ass and she thought of you as a friend. See why these people all make me want to throw up? None of them have even a shred of basic human empathy or sincerity. They're fucking piranhas eating each other.
Ryan states he originally thought BB fucked up with the door (not the first thing they fucked up with this season), but he thought about it, then the siren sounded, then Ryan thought some more about it, and he realized that maybe the door didn't open for a reason!
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| The scariest picture of Natalie ever. |
Asshole says that Allison being happy for a second "literally made me sick". Sadly, not sick enough to die.
Sheila's first thought when she heard the siren was that BB wanted her to hawk her book she hasn't written yet on the live show. When she found out that it meant she'd be playing a single player game from now on, Sheila's first thought was "Thank God. Buy my book!". Mind you, Sheila is going to keep playing with Adam anyway, and stay clamped on him like the fucking leech she is, but that's not important right now.
Adam had a similar thought, screaming with joy since it meant Sheila could now sleep somewhere else! Hooray! That is worth celebrating, the knowledge that you don't have to be in the same room with Sheila. For him, the only way the twist could have been better would have been if Sheila's mouth was stapled shut by BB. Well, it would have been better for me. And most of the house really.
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| "Hell, Natalie is giving me a BJ right now, it's why I'm making this face" |
The dominate personality at this moment is Nutjob Natty, who talks in the DR about how mean Matt was for moving to the opposite end of the couch from her the moment it was announced that they weren't partners anymore. Natty, I would do the same thing. I wouldn't want to breathe the air even near the vicinity of your thighs, out of fear I might catch the skank from you. The moment I was told I wouldn't have to sit beside you, I wouldn't.
Ryan talks to us next, as we see a replay of Allison's eviction. He states that he held his joy in, because he didn't want to upset Allison more after she was evicted unanimously. Wow, that's a lot of class Ryan. Want to know who doesn't have that same level of class? Sheila!
Sheila sobs about how bad she felt, not bad enough to throw Allison a sympathy vote mind you. She whines about not being able to look at Allison, and then cries "Why couldn't I help you!?". Oh, I know this one! Because you were to busy kissing HOH ass to help Allison! Also, notice that this whole DR session is about how bad Sheila felt because Sheila was unable to help Allison, and Sheila evicted her. Not once does Sheila seem sad that Allison is gone, just that she played a part in it. It amazes me that even now Sheila finds a way to be a self-absorbed bitch.
Asshole gives a DR, and if I recap it I'll have to invent three new curse words just to describe how much I hate Asshole.
Might as well comment on one thing. Asshole calls Allison's eviction "the ultimate revenge". First, how very Christian Asshole. As a Christian, every time I say that a part of me dies. Second, revenge for what!? What, you stupid bastard!? You never said what the fuck Allison did to you! If it really was the lesbian lie, why do you not hate Sheila!? Fucking God I wish you would die.On to topics that wont make me spew blood, we get to Ryan winning HOH. Ryan and his strangely bright white shirt are thrilled to win HOH, especially since he was nearly evicted. Matt is also happy, and he hopes that maybe Ryan has short term memory loss and won't remember that Matt voted to evict him originally. Keep hope alive Matt. Won't keep you from getting evicted, but keep it alive anyway.
Now it's time for an Asshole DR that makes me smile! Asshole whines about Ryan winning HOH since it's the last thing he wanted. Yeah Ryan, how dare you win and not think about Asshole! Oh wait, Asshole nominated you, and could have evicted you instead! Never mind. Asshole whines about how he could be nominated, wha wha wha. You knew what this game was about before you signed up shithead, expect revenge.
Sharon says something, but whenever Sharon starts talking I start hearing elevator-music in my head, so I have no idea what she's saying. Something boring probably, or maybe she's finally considering a nose job.
Well, that scene lasted fifty whole seconds, fifty seconds we could devote to Matt and Natalie being crazy! CBS obliges me, as we see Matt has moved into his new bed, and God sent a message to Natalie in her nail polish. She confronts him, and I realize that Natalie's arms are more toned then Matt's. Weird. Anyway, Nutalie is upset that Matt wants his own bed, and in the DR she states Matt is just joking. Oh honey, he's as serious as your restraining order collection. She laughs it off, stating he wants her in his bed! And on his penis! Incidentally, CBS starts playing knock-off Psycho music. Even they think Natalie is crazy. Matt is very clear, telling her repeatedly to stay away and stop kissing him, while Natalie just giggles and refuses to blink. In the DR, Matt is just ecstatic that this "huge weight" has been lifted, but he'll either have to fake his death or hire a good attorney to keep Nutty Natty away. I say fake your death. Natalie isn't bright, and if you splatter your clothing with enough ketchup, she will assume Asshole killed you, and kill him in response! I hope!
Natalie then gives us a reeeeally creepy DR, chanting "he doesn't mean it", calling what Matt is doing "reverse psychology" (it's not Natty, he really does hate you), and states he doesn't mean it. Matt doesn't, damn it! God told her so! The other voices in her head even agree with God, she and Matt are meant to be together!
Time for James and Chelsia to tell us what we don't care about, specifically what their thoughts are on Ryan winning HOH. Chelsia is worried, but since Ryan is one of her best customers in the house, that might keep her off the block. Chelsia starts whining about how much she loves the game, about how two faced people are, how things are different since she and James are not a couple, how she's not welcome anymore at the free clinic, blah blah blah. Do these people do anything beside bitch and moan?
James pretty much ignores Chelsia, and when Sharon walks into the room, he ignores her too. As does everybody watching the show. The only thing James cares about is if the two are targeting him, which they are not. James, you and Chelsia share a bond that only most people with gentile warts understand, do you think she would ever target you?
Chelsia leaves James and Sharon in the Red Bedroom, and enters the Log Bedroom where Ryan is. It's time to do some good ole' fashioned ass kissing. Chelsia yaps like a deranged chipmunk, talking so fast and her voice being so high I can't understand her. It's not aided that Matt suddenly remembers he hasn't kissed enough ass, and begins talking over her. James just sits in the Red Bedroom, listening to this and looking disgusted. Yes, it's so much more dignified to pout and refuse to play a game you signed up for. Moron.
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| Sad Panda |
Oh Christ almighty, we've now reached the first segment of a running subplot of BB9. That subplot being "Natalie hears God talking to her, and declares holy war on all of those who don't follow her psychotic blasphemous version of Christianity". We see Natalie in the living room, reading the Bible (specifically Joshua), and mumbling crap to herself. I can only see one of her hands, and I really hope that the other one is just out of sight, and not in her pants.
Adam walks in, and Natalie happily tells him about how "what goes into a man's mouth does not make him unclean", meaning she can put Matt's dick in her mouth as often as she wants and never be unclean! No, what she actually is talking about is the second part of that passage "what come's out of a man's mouth is what makes him unclean", and how it applies to Asshole. Natalie comment's that maybe Asshole has been running his mouth in a bad way (ya think?), and she starts to yap about not being able to take things back, tongues being fire....zzz...wha? Oh shit, nodded off for a second. Natalie is still talking, and I do not care.
All things considered, this scene is harmless. Sadly, it's also the first of many scenes of Natalie looking for passages in the Bible to support her current insane mood. If she can't find one, she takes one that has nothing to do with what she's talking about, and just twists it around until it does! I'm sure God is thrilled about that.
We next see Asshole in the hot tub praying to God. God sadly doesn't care enough to take his calls. Asshole is praying about how sorry he is that he verbally abuses women, and he'll be sorry when he does it again later that week. Dick. If God is merciful, the water in that hot tub will start boiling, and we'll end up with boiled Asshole for dinner. Sadly their is no mercy, just Asshole being a hypocrite. Oh, and then he prays for help on his diet. Yeah their are starving children in the world, but damn it, Asshole needs to drop a few pounds!Now it's time to see Ryan's ugly ass HOH room. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate the HOH room? Ryan wants to see Jen because of how much he misses her, and the Jen mask that he has Chelsia wear just isn't doing it for him. Well Ryan is in luck, their are pictures of Jen everywhere, just reminding me how much I hated Jen, and how happy I am to see her gone. I'm skipping the rest of the HOH room reveal because, much like Ryan, it's nice but boring.
You know, it's been twenty minutes now, and we've only had one scene with Sheila and Adam hating each other. Well CBS fixes that, as we cut to the Log Bedroom, with Sheila sobbing because of how hard it was to see Allison leave. It wasn't hard to tell Asshole how much you hated her, or to vote to evict her, just to watch her leave huh? Sheila, how do you manege to make it through life without a brain? I really want to know.
Sheila whines to Adam about how ugly things will get. Adam doesn't respond since he's high as a kite, and Sheila looks like a monster made of whiny spaghetti to him. Sheila keeps whining though, not noticing that Adam just doesn't give a fuck what she has to say. She gripes that she can't connect with any of the other girls in the house, and again, you could have tried to get Ryan evicted! Adam starts comforting Sheila, trying to get her to shut up (good luck), while she sobs that the two of them are huge targets. Yes, everyone in the house is just shaking at the thought of a nose-picking drug dealer and a menopausal former pin-up model coming after them.
Sheila admits she complains about Adam (really? Hadn't noticed), but the two of them got lucky as a couple. Not really. You two couldn't, and still can't, work together and you sniped about each other in the DR all the time. Sheila keeps fucking crying (SHUT UP!) in the DR about how Allison was her buddy! Who she repaid with an eviction vote! I'll say it again, shut up Sheila!
Adam channels the audience in the DR, pointing out he has no idea what in the blue fuck has set Sheila off, and he doesn't really care about her.
Let's turn to James and Chelsia. Now let's leave James and Chelsia, since this scene only matters if you think this pairing of a hobo and a street hooker has a chance. I don't.
We cut to the Log Bedroom, with Adam, Matt, and Ryan sitting around and not saying or doing anything. Riveting stuff folks. Sheila enters and heads through the other door, into the Cursed Boat Room. She talks about how happy she is to now have her own bed, since Adam (who she was so grateful for just five minutes ago) snored and moved in his sleep. That may be true, but Adam had to deal with something far worse. He had to live with the fact that he was sharing a bed with Sheila! The thought alone will give you nightmares.
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| "So what do I gotta do to not be nominated? Cash, back rub, blow job? I'll do it!" |
Matt points out the obvious, they need a crew. Please note that this is the first real alliance forming in the house. Five weeks in. Sweet Christ these people are stupid. Matt want's the "fellows" to join up and run the house. Not the women, they have vagina's and won't be of any help. Matt also states they need to be smart about this.
Next we see them recruiting Adam into their little proto-alliance. So much for being smart. Adam is an easily lead idiot, you can pressure him into doing any thing. Him and Ryan talk about how big of a turn around this is, out by the pool table. Adam smiles like a moron, getting happier when Ryan tells him he won't be going on the block. James and Matt both come out, and Matt tells James that he's a part of the four guy alliance he didn't know existed. Good to know.
James, who fans of this season insist is the best player, doesn't want to form an alliance. Not with the guys. Nor with anyone. James doesn't see the point since "this game changes every fifteen minutes". The best player of the season!
Time for more crazy, courtesy of Natalie and the fucking guinea pigs. Natalie is in the kitchen, and CBS is blurring out her ass despite the fact that she's wearing panties. Weird. Anyway, Natalie decides to show Ryan, who is also there, something interesting she found in the guinea pig cage. Interesting? This season? Not fucking likely.
Natalie points out the three colors in the guinea pig toy. Matt and Ryan both come over and point out that their are four, as Natalie insists their are three. It's at this point you realize Natalie is to stupid to count to four. She then points out that their are twenty-seven wooden blocks in the cage, and twenty-seven letters in the alpha--STOP! Stop Natalie, just stop. I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe for a second that even you are so stupid that you think their are twenty-seven letters in the alphabet. Oh but she does! Even as Ryan and Matt point out what a god-damn idiot Natalie is, she insists that the alphabet ends "X, Y, And, Z". Yes, Natalie thinks that "And" is a letter. This is the level that we're working on folks. Be very afraid.
Well it's time for the stupid food competition, this time involving French fondue puns! The high water mark of comedy no doubt. As they divide into teams, Natalie decides to ramp up the crazy, as she says she has to be on the same team as Matt. Matt's favorite color is blue, so she has to be on the blue team! And no doesn't always mean no!
Nat ends up on the blue team with Matt, saying that he let her have it. Matt loves her, and he appreciates all the things Natalie does for him, like the pictures of him in nail polish, or the 52,000 verse poem she wrote for him comparing him to a Greek God and a corn on the cob.
The red team is made up of the challenge anchors of Sharon, Asshole, Sheila, and Chelsia. I'm serious, those four might be the worst at challenges in the house, and Sheila is far and a way the absolute worst. James, Adam, Matt, and Natalie (who will win most of the challenges this season) are on the other team. Guess which will win.
Sheila does not disappointing, griping in the DR about being on slop. Sheila says she has plenty of fat (any one who has seen her ass will agree) reserves so she won't need to eat. I question the wisdom of this.
Well with a bland challenge done, it's time for Asshole to kiss ass. He pulls Ryan into the Log Bedroom, and puckers up, promising not to put Ryan up if he won HOH. You know, except for that time when he did. Assholes promises are like politicians and babies diapers, full of shit.
Need I remind you that Asshole already broke his word? Even though Allison was his real target, Asshole was more then willing to evict Ryan also, ignoring bigger threats Matt and Natalie because of his one man vendetta against a slight that might never have happened! Ryan agrees not to put Asshole up, and my personal estimation of him drops.
Now we see Asshole dancing in his boxers. Skip it!
Ryan, Matt, and James (with a trio like that, the boredom really leaps off the screen) are up in the HOH discussing who to nominate. Ryan wants to put up Sharon and Sheila. Yes! Yes! Evict the Dragon Lady! Sheila must go!
Sadly Sharon is the target, not Sheila. James is worried if you put Sharon up next to Sheila, Sharon will stay, something that just confounds Matt. Yeah, it's not like Sheila is a complete bitch who is hated by almost everyone in the house, while Sharon is a bland and forgettable girl who pisses off no one. No wait, that's exactly what it's like.
Adam enters, and Matt tells us "This is the crew, we are the Bros!". Suddenly I get Brigade flash-forewords (shudder). James decides that they need to put up someone more likable then Sharon, and nominates Chelsia. ...Chelsia more likable then Sharon. Chelsia, one of the few people I hate MORE then Sheila. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!
Wait, James doesn't mean as a pawn, he means as a target. James wants Chelsia evicted. Now this is a James I can get behind! Tell a girl you have feelings for her, then evict her immediately, that's so cruel. I love it.
Chelsia whines in the DR about how she is on her own, without James or her pimp to help her. Sharon says something, it's dull and I don't care. James feels guilty that Chelsia is on the block. Why? Because you argued for her to be nominated and evicted? Bah, that's nothing to feel guilty about. You mohawked moron.
WHO WILL SURVIVE?
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