Big Brother 9 - Episode 15

Previously on Big Brother: Fuck Off And Die Edition, Ryan promised to nominate Matt for eviction, then nominated James instead because he's not dumb enough to nominate his own ally for eviction.   James was nearly saved by Natalie being crazy, except not because Natalie was always going to vote for him despite what the editors tried to convince us.  James was then evicted, and it was announced that America had voted Alex back into the house.  The producers though got off their cloud and wagged their finger at the foolish viewers who assumed just because America voted Alex back, he would come back.  They instead announced that the idiots the house g...who am I kidding, the idiots would be voting for either Alex or James.  Except the producers decided it would be funny if the idiots didn't know that Alex was America's choice.  Instead they chose to stick Alex in a box without air holes and call him the "mystery house guest".  Because it's better the devil you know then the devil you don't, James was voted back into the house. They then began a disco themed HOH competition that hadn't completed when the episode ended.

Have I mentioned they've only been in their for 35 days?  I know it feels more like 35 years, but really, only a little over a month.  These morons are slowly killing me.

We return to see the idiots still hanging onto the disco chains, while being sprayed with foam.  If I had to pick two people to do well in this challenge, I gotta pick Natalie and Chelsia.  Natalie knows all about hanging on to a poll and being spun, while Chelsia knows about being sprayed in the face with sticky white stuff.  Still, it looks to be a long and boring challenge.

King Matt tells us in the DR that it's a house divided, with himself, Ryan, Sheila, Natalie, and Adam all on one side, and the other four on the other.  Yes, and since it's such a clear division, two of your number voted James back into the house!  Still, I'm amazed that King Matt was willing to acknowledge the existence of the lowly peasants such as Ryan and Asshole.  James is still giggling about being back, and King Matt decides to place his royal lips on James ass, saying he thought everyone was keeping James, and he only voted James out when it turned out everyone else was.

James tells us in the DR that this isn't just an HOH, it's his dignity he's trying to win.  Dude, your dignity went out the window the moment you decided a pink mohawk looked cool.  It's too late to try and get it back.  James continues to yap, whining that the other idiots stripped him of his dignity when he was evicted.  Okay, being evicted took away your dignity, but doing gay porn, crying at the thought of being evicted, and having sex with Chelsia in front of the whole internet didn't?

We now flashback to James being evicted, such a monumental event that had a lasting impact on the house for a good three seconds.  Chelsia DR's that she was sad when James left, since she cares so much for him that she doesn't charge him for sex.  Asshole whines next, because James only wanted a hug from Chelsia, and that made Asshole feel bad.  Aw, don't worry Asshole, just go scream death threats at Natalie for a while and you'll feel all better.

Now it's Adam's turn to whine, he didn't feel good about evicting James.  Moron!  James betrayed Matt and you!  He was planning to get you evicted too.  Stop feeling bad that you evicted the lying, pink-haired, sack of shit.  Ryan, unlike the others, was happy to see James go since it meant that a strong player had left the house, and as long as the idiots didn't vote him back in, he'd be gone for good!  ...sigh.

What is it with these idiots?  James was a hypocrite, a liar, and a douchebag.  Stop treating him like he's the goddamn risen Christ.  James is an asshole, you were all lucky to get rid of him, and like morons, you voted him back!

Sharon is next to whine, saying it was tough to watch James walk out.  Well if it was so tough, why didn't you volunteer to quit?  If James is so much more deserving then you, you leave and let him stay!  Stop being upset over this, you're still in the game you fucking dumbass.

AGAIN we here from Chelsia, who tells us when James left, it finally hit her that she was on her own.  WOW!  Only took you thirty-five fucking days to realize that!  Maybe in thirty-five more, you'll realize James is a tool and you can find any other hobo to fuck who would be way better for you then him!

We watch James be told three people didn't vote him back in, then watch those three vote for the mystery guest over James.  Once again, those three were Ryan, Matt, and Sheila.  Then we see the return of James.  Ah, good times.  Or they would be if I didn't hate James.

Adam is the first to tell his brilliant reason for voting James back in.  Was it to try to win James as an ally?  Because Matt has to much power and James would take him out?  Was it because Adam wants to jump ship and vote with James side of the house!?

"I felt bad I voted him out, cuz he's my boy ya know what I mean?  So I voted him back in."

You know, this is the first time we've really been given a glimpse into the mind of the enigma that is Adam.  It's a frighting and empty place.

Still, it's about a thousand times better a reason then Natalie, who voted James back to "redeem" herself and give back her word.  Because as we all know, Big Brother is a game about redemption and being true to your word, never lying, and just being a good person, right?  NO!  No it isn't you lactating loon!  It's about deception, manipulation, and not fucking voting James back!!!!!  You know, every joke I make about Natalie being crazy?  Now totally justified.

We see the eight idiots being shot with foam, hopefully laced with poison.  King Matt tells James how happy he is James is back, since HE voted James back.  Yeah and if James believes that, then I've got this section of the moon I'd like to sell him.  Matt calls this HOH victory crucial for himself, Adam, Natalie, or Sheila (fuck you Ryan!).

Adam lasts a record setting fifteen minutes before dropping out.  Oh come on dude, even Sheila is still up there!  Then again, I suppose I can understand.  Those chains aren't exactly kind to the crotch.  Asshole falls next, sadly hitting the padding below instead of the rocky ground.  Asshole gives us some excuse in the DR as to why he sucked.  I chose to believe he sucked because he sucks.

At forty minutes Matt is in clear pain, while James is just fine, if somewhat bored.  Matt falls, but hopes that Natalie or Sheila will win it for them.  Matt then bets that James will be the next one to fall.  Yes, and Ulong will win an immunity challenge.

They keep spinning, and Natalie gives everyone proper pole hugging technique.  Yes really.  She tries to start conversation, but really just won't shut up.  James and me are in agreement, Natalie not shutting up is about the worst thing ever.  Sheila tells James she voted for the mystery guest, assuming it was Alex, and she wasn't sad he left.  Oh Sheila, please shut up.  Asshole decides to make fun of Sheila from the side line, talking about how her hair looks bad and she looks like shit.  Yeah, well she lasted a lot longer so far then you dipstick.

At just over an hour, Sheila falls out, clearly sick.  Matt keeps yapping that James is getting tired, though  I think James is wide awake, and Matt is in denial.  Matt is scared, if Natalie falls, he leaves the house.  All his hopes ride on Natalie, who as we know, is insane. Natalie says she won't go anywhere, she's had 15 hour shifts at her club, this is nothing.

We jump a few hours ahead, four people still up there.  Natalie admits how much pressure she feels.  Natalie won't drop though, she knows how important this HOH is, and damn it, she won't take a stupid non-deal and drop for nothing!

Two and a half hours, all still up there.  Natalie won't shut up, and Matt makes fun of her voice.  Hey, King Douche, Natalie is up there doing what you couldn't  How about you shut your fat mouth and show some gratitude?  Dick.  James tells Natalie to shut it, and she agrees...only to keep on talking.  I'd laugh if it weren't so sad.

Ryan meanwhile makes it clear he still wants James gone, and he is pissed that the pink haired dork is still here.  Well Ryan, all you need to happen is for Natalie to win HOH, and for James to not suddenly start winning Vetos.  Then you'll be golden! As Ryan says this, Sharon drops.  Three people left, and one of them is still our favorite pink hobo.  Ryan and Matt watch Adam bring a towel to Sharon.  This act of altruism is a completely alien idea to those two, and they both decide Adam is considering switching sides on them.  Not entirely wrong, but you have no evidence.  Hell, Adam could just be doing something nice to Sharon without any gain in mind!

Now two hours and forty-eight minutes.  Ryan is still baffled by the fact that they voted James back in.  Dude, if we  focused this long on every baffling stupid thing you people did, we'd be here until the end of fucking time.  James is back, it sucks, live with it.  Ryan and Matt try to figure out why Natalie voted James back into the house.  The settle on "because she's an idiot".  They're probably right.

Natalie tells us she had to win, because this is a fight and a battle that she and King Matt have to win.  Matt encourages her with promises of sex and massages.  Natalie tries to tell James he isn't her target, and James says he doesn't want to be backdoored either.  No promises of that not happening I notice.  Adam asks how being backdoored felt, and James gets snippy, yelling that he'll backdoor all of them.

Sweet fuck this is dull.  All it is is watching people watching the three idiots spin in circles, and talk about it.  Make something interesting happen CBS!  You brought James back into the house!  Justify why he's back.  Have him set the house on fire!  Have him shoot up the other idiots!  MAKE SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN!

Finally at three hours and nineteen minutes, Chelsia falls, exiting the challenge with all the grace and dignity she had when it began.  James whines that the HOH was now down to him to win.  Except, it was down to you from the get go, you said you were trying to win it to get you dignity back!

At about three and a half hours, James decides to try and deal.  He want's Ryan on the block for daring to nominate him, and if Natalie would do that, he'll drop.  Okay Natalie, Ryan is your ally.  I some how do not think agreeing to James deal would be good for you.  Just a thought!

Natalie though calls it a really good deal.  Ryan points out the down side, and James whines that Ryan got him evicted, to which Ryan counters James voted for him the week before!  James whines that it doesn't matter for some reason, that Ryan being evicted was fine but James is special and should just be handed the win on a silver platter.  As you might have guessed, I really fucking hate James.  In a house full of hypocrites, he's far and a way the biggest one.  Plus, his mohawk looks stupid.

Matt tells Natalie not to except the deal, so they keep swinging.  Now over four hours, neither has come down.  Natalie turns to James, and get's him to promise her safety.  He agrees.  Then she asks for Matt's safety, and again he agrees.  Remember that point, James agreed to keep Matt safe, period.  Nothing else, Matt is safe, and doesn't go on the block.  It doesn't matter that Matt didn't vote for James to come back, James agreed to keep Matt safe.

Matt tells Natalie no deals, until she tells him that both he and her are safe.  Then King Matt decides that the deal is good to go!  Natalie gets sick while James promises several times not to put Matt up, and finally she drops.  James is now the HOH.  Marvelous.

James decides to be an asshole, telling Matt he'll stick to his word "unlike everyone else in this house".  I'm going to have a fun time raking you over the coals douche.  Natalie can't move at first, horribly sick from the challenge.  Nice challenge design CBS, you made your contestants violently ill.  Between this and poisoning Rachel and Jeff with bubbles, and I start to wonder if CBS wants to kill people with these challenges.

In the kitchen after the challenge, Natalie and Matt share a semi-tender moment, with Matt comparing her to Jesus.  I personally think a comparison to the Saducees is more appropriate, but that's just me.  Matt tells us in the DR he almost feels bad for how he treated her.  Good to know he cares.

Chelsia is thrilled that James is back because this means she won't be going on the block, and she won't have to turn to Adam for sex.  It's boring, I don't care, and oh sweet Lord they're playing the fucking romantic music for James and Chelsia!  (vomits).  Asshole and Sharon go to the storage room, to talk about how they have James back and how stressful this game is.  Can something interesting happen?

Ryan confronts Natalie in the sauna room and asks, why the fuck did you vote James back?  Her response?  She didn't know what to do.  Clearly.  Natalie whines some more and oh my God I wish we were still watching the HOH.  That is how bored I am.

We get some slow music as we enter the cabin room.  Adam and Matt are in there, Matt is reading the Bible, and I think one hand is down his pants.  ...Ewwwwwwww.  They're trying to figure out what a cubit is.  It's sad that I know what it is.  CBS then plays some harp music and we see....this:

God would just like it to be known that he does not associate with the Bible Buddies in anyway.  As a Christian, I feel it is my duty to say I also do not associate with them.  In fact, I suspect the Bible they're reading is the Satanic Bible.  Would certainly answer a lot of questions.  Adam learns that a cubit is eighteen inches, and figures out that that's one and a half feet.  Let me guess Adam, you're the brains of the operation aren't ya?

For the sake of my soul, I'm skipping this.  Especially since they start reading about Jacob marrying two girls, and completely miss the point that marrying two people is a BAD thing.  Still remember this moment, as this can be see as the beginning of one of the strongest, and most nauseating alliances ever, Team Christ.  

We move on to James revealing his HOH room.  Except, we've seen it all before, skip it!

Now Natalie and Matt go into the sauna room, while Natalie carries lotion.  ...I'm not going to have to leave the room, am I?  No, he's just preparing to massage her, while the two discuss how Matt loves Natalie.  Matt loves Natalie like a friend, while Natalie loves Matt like a crazed stalker.  Which, coincidentally, she just happens to be!  Natalie doesn't care, giggling in the DR about how it was worth hanging on a disco ball for five hours.  Okay Natalie, if that's what it takes, it's time to find a new man.

We move on to the red bedroom, where Matt, Asshole, and Sharon are discussing the third vote to keep James out.  Or rather, Asshole and Sharon are discussing and Matt is doing his usual, non-subtle job of throwing Adam under the bus as the third vote.  Nice to see how much you care about your boy Matt.  Matt tells us in the DR that he doesn't feel like he needs to fess up.  He is the King after all.  Asshole says he's certain that the third vote is either Matt or Adam, and he'll crack the case!  Yes, just because Asshole is too dumb to figure out a two piece jigsaw puzzle doesn't mean he can't figure out who the third vote was!

Asshole confronts Adam, and Adam immediately says he voted to keep James.  No, wait that's not what happened.  Silly me, Adam instead verbally meanders without saying anything, making himself look guilty.  Nice.  Adam says he voted for James to come back, as Matt comes back in, both proclaim innocence.  Asshole goes through the list of people who voted for James to come back, while Adam protests, continuing to look more and more guilty.  Despite being innocent.   

Adam goes to see James in the red bedroom, being confrontational and cursing up a storm as he yells to James and Asshole that he voted for James to come back.  Adam, please for the love of crack, stop trying to help yourself!  It's not working!

We next see a filler scene of Asshole pretending to be a maid while fruity music plays.  SKIP IT.

We then get filler of Asshole, Adam, and James, as Asshole cries while reading his letter from home.  Aw, see Asshole does have a heart!  It pumps acid instead of blood, but it is a heart!  SKIP IT!


Finally we see Ryan going up to see James in his HOH room.  The two have an honest conversation where the two come across as mature adults.  Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  No, what happens is Ryan kisses ass, and James whines about how being evicted is like, the worst thing ever!  Like getting struck by lightning, while having cancer, and watching Southland Tales.  James whines about how "I had to sit down with Julie", as if being stuck talking to the Chen-bot is some kind of punish...you know, he may be on to something there.

James smugs up the DR, talking about how Ryan will be nominated, but who he wants up against Ryan is a super big decision.  Not really.  You could put up Sheila, and guarantee Ryan's safety, or put up Adam and guarantee he goes home.  All we know for sure is that James "was screwed by everyone else in the house except Chelsia".  Uh, really?  What about Sharon?  Are you seriously implying Sharon screwed you by not getting evicted?  Could your ego really be that large James?  Wait, don't answer that.

Finally, mercifully it is time for the nomination ceremony.  Ryan knows he'll be going up.  Adam yaps something stupid and talks so fast only dogs can hear him.  Matt doesn't feel like a target, reminding me Matt is an idiot.  James calls this week about his "rise from the ashes", while reminding us all but one person voted to evict him.  SHARON!  Sharon and Chelsia BOTH did not evict you, you pink haired moron!  Alright, the ceremony happens, and to the shock of no one, Ryan and Sheila are on the block.  Ryan is the target, but Sheila would be the one voted for by most of the house, and would finally go home.  If only I could really be so lucky.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?