Big Brother 9 - Episode 13

Previously on Big Brother: Stupid Is A Twenty-Seven Letter Word, Spelled Natalie, Ryan won HOH, the couples were split, and Asshole found knew ways to make me loath him.  Everyone acted like being in singles would change the game, but it wouldn't really since all the remaining couples were going to work together, and they've been playing as individuals since the game began.  Ryan nominated Sharon, Queen of Fun, and Chelsia, Queen of Crabs, for eviction.

We resume where we previously left off, with all the idiots milling about after nomination.  Sharon tells Ryan it's okay, but in the DR whines that being nominated "shows you who you can and can't trust".  Yeah, Ryan showed you he couldn't trust you, and he totally had no reason to do that!  Except for the fact that you nominated him last week!  And that he's aligned with your ex-partner, and you being gone would make that stronger!  And that you acted super pissed when you won HOH!  ...Wait, why the hell did you think you could trust Ryan exactly?

Asshole admits he was nervous during nominations, but to his surprise (and my irritation) Asshole escaped the block.  Asshole admits that he can only be concerned for himself, now that they're playing singles.  Because you were totally concerned about others when you were still playing in pairs.  Question, does screaming death threats at crying women count as being concerned about someone other then Asshole?

Chelsia is next to whine, yapping about being on slop and the block.  She's going to have to kiss everyone's ass, and if I were everyone, I wouldn't let Chelsia's lips near my anus.  You don't know where Chelsia's been!  Anyway, Chelsia hates it and will no longer give Ryan a discount on hand jobs.

James, who I've been told is a good player, brags about how he managed to get the only person he could trust 100% nominated, but plans to try and save her, thus undermining his plan of "hide our alliance by nominating Chelsia".  The best player of the season!

Reinforcing my idea that James is a nimrod with the subtlety of a howler monkey, Ryan names all the people he trusts.  He names Adam, Matt, and Asshole.  Didn't see James in there.

They're having a conversation
and it isn't about me!?

We move into the Red Bedroom, where Asshole, Sharon, Chelsia, and Sheila are talking.  With a group like that, I can actually feel myself growing dumber looking at them.  Sharon whines that she "knew it wouldn't be one of the guys, cuz they stick together", but it would be her.  Is Sharon honestly so stupid that she thinks Ryan nominated her because she isn't a man, and not because she nominated him a week ago?  Can Sharon truly be that dumb?

Well yes!  Yes she can!  While Sharon is right, the boys have an alliance, she got lucky.  She guessed that because she's honestly deluded herself into forgetting that she NOMINATED RYAN LAST WEEK!  Sharon, these nominations make the most sense.  You are the target because you nominated Ryan.  Chelsia is a pawn with enough friends to keep her around.  It has NOTHING to do with "penises" sticking together.  Yeesh, this kind of delusion is something I expect from fucking Sheila!  Not you Sharon.

Moving on, we see Asshole and Ryan up in the HOH, where Ryan promises not to put Asshole up if the POV is used.  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

You have to put him up!  Fuck the deal you have with him, he's scum!  Ryan says it's because Asshole only had a problem with Allison.  Asshole has a problem with psychosis.  Need I remind you that he went into screaming tirades about something only he knew about?  Ryan, get your head out of your butt.  Asshole can't be trusted.  Asshole yaps about not talking to Ryan in public, can't trust Matt (maybe you should have tried getting him evicted then, rather then targeting Allison!), blah blah blah it's the same shit we hear from Asshole when he's between personal attacks.  Asshole says in the DR that he can't trust Ryan 100% because...yes, Asshole is the one having trust issues.  Asshole, who immediately sells out his former partner Sharon, is having trust issues.  This guy is a stupid bastard.

Moving on to something more pleasant (anything without Asshole is more pleasant), we see James and Chelsia in the food storage room while low budget porn music plays.  I take it back, one Asshole is still better then these two together.  Chelsia begins by whining that she doesn't trust anyone.  Whining this to the guy who pushed for her nomination.  I bet if Chelsia could see this now, she'd feel stupider then usual watching it.  James tells her he's with her, somehow managing to keep a straight face.  James gives her a quick kiss, making sure not to maintain contact with Chelsia too long, lest his lips rot off.

So sweet it makes you want to puke.

James just keeps reassuring her, and all I keep thinking is how big of a hole this idiot is digging for himself.  If he helps Chelsia, he's screwing over his alliance of Ryan-Adam-Matt, and they'll no longer trust him.  If he evicts Chelsia, James screws over his alliance with her and will give Asshole and Sharon reason not to trust him.  Yet James just continues on this course of inevitable doom, promising she wont go home and implying he would use the Veto on her.  The best player of the season!

Now we see James, Adam, Natalie, Matt, Asshole, Chelsia, and Ryan all up in the HOH.  James laughs that someone in that room will win the grand prize.  How sad is it that not only have they dismissed the possibility of Sharon and Sheila winning, but I agree 100% with that assessment?

Matt asks what they'll each do with the money.  Natalie says she'll invest in a nicer pole, bigger boobs, and maybe some surgery to stop the whole lactation issue.  Well actually she just says she'll sit on it, but I think I'm probably right.  Matt calls her idea boring, and the two start fighting.  In the DR, Natalie is convinced that Matt constantly fighting with her is a sign that he loves her.  Much like the restraining order.  Matt throws a ball at Natalie, which pisses her off so much she leaves immediately.  What a whiny idiot.

We now get a montage of Natalie and Matt talking about each other, and by talking I mean Natalie saying all of the problems in life come from Matt.  Which means Natalie is leaving her manic phase and entering her depressive phase, good to know.

Asshole tells us in the DR that Natalie got him thinking.  Oh Christ no.  Yes, Matt putting Natalie in her place (Asshole's words, not mine), causes Asshole to come up with an idea.  He gathers James, Natalie, Sharon, and Sheila, and tells them "If we tell Ryan we'll give him two free weeks if he gets Matt out, I bet he'll do it".  That's their brilliant plan.  That Ryan is stupid enough to believe the word of James, or believe that Sheila could win a challenge.  You know, Ryan and Matt are both supposedly aligned with James, if James were to flip now, Ryan could just nominate him as a replacement should someone come off the block.  You idiots really didn't think this plan through.

Also, Natalie may be mad at Matt now, but Natalie is crazier then a masturbating hobo.  She'll decide that God wants her to forgive Matt, she instantly will and then she'll spill the entire plan to him.  Any other brilliant ideas Asshole?  Natalie does promise she wont say shit, but Sheila clearly believes Natalie will.   Why?  Just because Natalie built a life-size replica of Matt out of Popsicle sticks, held together by breast milk, doesn't mean she's obsessed with Matt!

Matt and Nutty Natty meet in the bathroom where Matt apologizes, and Natalie whines about him talking about her behind her back.  Matt says he doesn't, he insults her to her face, not behind her back!  Might want to work on this whole apology thing Matt, you're not very good at it.

Matt does apologize well enough for Natalie, so she immediately tells him about the plan to evict him.  Wow, made it one whole paragraph Natalie, good job.  I really shouldn't bag on Natalie, I should be pointing out that Asshole is an idiot who made a split second alliance with Natalie because she was in the room.  Nice work jackass.

Natalie says she swore she wouldn't tell anyone, and all Matty has to do is ask her before she says everyone involved in Operation: Two Week Stupid.  Did no one think getting Natalie involved was a bad idea?  Seriously?  No one at all had a problem with getting Natalie involved in a plan to oust the man who she's obsessed with.  Well Natalie does get Matt to swear not to say anything.

Even Matt can't figure out what's going on, as he tells us in the DR.  Natalie is insane for Matt, she built a replica of him out of cheese, and he's got three whole restraining orders against her.  What the fuck were they thinking?

Cut to Matt immediately going to Ryan to tell about the deal.  Ryan looks bored the entire time, and seems to be flying high on some good shit.  Both men believe they can trust Natalie as their "source of intel".  Yes, because Natalie has been so reliable thus far.  Wake up you idiots!

We now see Asshole coming up to see Ryan to offer him the deal.  In case anyone was wondering, no none of these dipshits were planning on keeping their words.  As the live feed viewers can attest, Asshole began talking immediately about how he'd win the next HOH and evict Ryan.  Ryan would have to be a complete moron to take their deal.  Which given this cast, sadly, is a likely possibility.

Asshole puts his spin on it, claiming everyone views Ryan as a target (nope, only Asshole), and that he needs to nominate Matt (yes nominate your ally, great plan Hannibal).  Ryan then mentions that the deal got leaked to Matt.  Why?  Why are you telling Asshole this!?  He'll get a chance to cover his own butt you fat idiot!

Now, what I love about this is that Asshole, who loves to talk about what a fucking genius he is, can't figure out who spilled the plan to Matt.  Ryan tries to hint at it, but Asshole is so dense that it just goes flying over his fat head.  Wake up and smell the ten foot restraining order you shithead! It was NATALIE!

Asshole, being the calm and rational person he is, runs off to go whine to Chelsia about Natalie not being trustworthy.  What is it with you people?  Natalie is in love with Matt...for some reason, and you people are stunned when she blabs about the plan to evict him?  How do you all manege to walk without wearing a helmet?  Shelia comes in, and when told by Asshole, whines that Natalie is blinded by him.  No shit Sheila.

Matt now runs back up to the HOH, since he could still be backdoored and Ryan's ass hasn't been kissed enough.  We cover the same shit we have for the last ten minutes, Asshole is paranoid, could go up, Natalie is crazy, could go up, blah blah blah.  Ryan admits in the DR that he's considering backdooring Matt.

Time to pick players for the Veto.  The HOH and two nominees each pick one player from the Veto sack, for a grand total of six players.  Ryan gets Adam, and Asshole is relieved.  Shut up Asshole.  Chelsia draws the known challenge monster that is Sheila.  Sharon draws Asshole.  Who cares.

Now we see Sheila, Chelsia, James, and Asshole up in the HOH room with Ryan.  Yep, time to make their pitch that is doomed to failure.  They each promise Ryan two weeks.  Yeah I bet Sheila will be able to make good on those two weeks, what with her record of 0-6 in challenges.  James tries to really sell Ryan on this, Sheila says something and I tune it out because Sheila's voice makes me vomit shit.  Chelsia also tells him that this could give Ryan "a huge amount of security".  Yep, since BB players have to keep their word or they loose.  It's in the unwritten Morality Rules Of Big Brother.

Time for the fucking Veto.  Matt is hosting, and James is wearing poker-player sunglasses.  The veto is a giant pool game, each round people shoot the pool ball with giant sticks.  The goal is to get as close as possible to the center Veto hole.  The one who is furthest away each round is eliminated.  When you're eliminated, you get to take one of the six mystery prizes.  However, someone eliminated later on in the game then you can exchange their prize for yours.

Yes it's one of the famous "prize challenge" vetoes, always a personal favorite of mine.  Why?  In Big Brother 11, the Prize Challenge HOH was the competition right after worst contestant ever Chima Simone was expelled for being crazier then a sack of Natalies.  (sigh)Good times.

Round one, guess who gets eliminated.  Ryan goes first and gets a terrible seven.  Asshole gets a four.  Adam also gets a seven.  Sharon gets a one.  Chelsia gets a three (she's used to handling large rods and balls).  Sheila whacks the ball so hard it sails past the veto and lands in the Nine hole, on the other side of the table!  What the fuck?  To the surprise of no one, Sheila and her mouth are eliminated.  Her prize is the Veto, guess how long that'll last.

A quick note, when you are eliminated and take a prize, the prize is not your prize.  It's not your prize until the challenge ends, then it becomes your prize.  If you want someone elses prize, you take it.  It's the rules and you don't have to feel guilty about that.  I bring this up so you'll know why Sheila will be whining later.  Sheila says in the DR that winning the Veto is bittersweet since "someone could possibly take it away".  Gasp, you mean the two nominees who haven't been eliminated could take the Veto!?  Parish the thought.

Round two.  Asshole gets three.  Adam gets three.  Sharon gets seven and will soon be taking the Veto.  Chelsia gets a two.  Ryan gets three.  Sharon's prize is a brand new motorcycle which she immediately gives to Sheila.  Sheila can ride it, and the vibrating engine will be the closest she comes to getting laid.

Round three.  Adam gets a one.  Chelsia gets a Veto symbol.  Ryan gets a four.  Asshole gets a four also, but since Ryan got it in the hole, Ryan is safe and Asshole is out.  Asshole wins a letter from home.  Probably from his Mom telling him that his whole family now wear bags over their heads.

Round four.  Chelsia gets a one.  Ryan gets a three.  Adam gets a four, and is out.  Adam's prize is ten thousand dollars, which he gives to Sheila for the bike.  Sheila sobs in the DR how sweet of a gesture it is.  Adam says he just wanted a bike.  Well no, he said it's because Sheila is a single mother (something she reminds us constantly).

Final round.  Ryan gets a three.  Chelsia chokes and hits her worst shot of four.  Chelsia wins a slop pass, which she gives to Sharon in exchange for the Veto.  Ryan wins...oh sweet Christ almighty.  Ryan wins a fucking red unitard.  No!  No!  No!  JENTASTIC!

God damn it, isn't Big Brother 9 bad enough?  Do I really need to be reminded of that Jensa level idiot?  In case you want to know (and believe me, you don't), this red unitard was given out in the Prize Challenge last season.  It was also won by the crazy girl of the season, the vapid and self-absorbed Jen Johnson.  Jen was known for wearing shirts with her name on them in terrible puns (Member Of Jensa, Jenius), constantly talking about her favorite subject (herself), and breaking the rules and destroying peoples property.  Why the blue fuck would you want to remind us of that waste of breast implants?  To say I am not a fan of hers would be an understatement.  She was the only person I hated on BB8 more then Daniel Donatto.  Plus, she didn't like Dan from season 10, my favorite player ever.

Matt claims that Jen's unitard is "back by popular demand" (how many idiots were out there demanding the unitard?), and Ryan may keep it or trade it.  To the shock of no one, he trades it.  To the shock of many, Ryan trades it for the $10,000 that Sheila has.  Well fair enough, Sheila didn't earn the money, and it's a legitimate game move to take it away.  Sheila will be mature about this, right?

Wrong.  Sheila whines in the DR about how unfair it is.  You know, it's probably unfair to your alliance of the moment that they have to win every challenge since you can't win any.  Doesn't cause them to whine about it.  Sheila whines that it was "devastating".  Really?  Then why am I laughing so hard?  Besides Sheila, only the biggest bitch in the house can wear the red unitard.  It's friggin' tailor made for you!

Seriously, no joke.  Every year until season 13, the biggest bitch in the house won the unitard, and in season 13 the biggest bitch nearly won it.  Hard Shelly kept the Veto and not Jordan, we'd have a clean bitch-sweep.

Ryan says in the DR that he could use the ten grand more then the Veto.  Yeah, but now you'll have to face the wrath of Sheila!  All she has to do is win HOH BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!  Sorry, I thought I could finish that sentence, but no.

Asshole is happy Chelsia won, Matt feels safe with Ryan, and I'm bored with these morons.  Well, with the challenge done, time for Sheila to whine.  Sheila whines and whines and whines and whines, and sobs, and reminds us she's a single mother, and I start to wonder how she hasn't run out of oxygen and passed out from all this complaining.  Well don't worry Sheila, you can guilt Ryan into buying a copy of your book!  Bringing the grand total sold to...one!  Seriously, Sheila if you wanted to damn money so much, don't suck!  All you had to do was score better then a fucking seven, and Ryan would have been eliminated!  You couldn't even do that!  Sheila, kiss my ass.

We see James and Chelsia making out (vomit) in the storage room, while music plays as the producers desperately try to convince us being subjected to Chelsia for another week is a good thing.  Chelsia and her boobs tells us how happy she is to have the Veto, how relieved, and I'm reminded that Chelsia doesn't know James pushed for her to be on the block.  Then he felt guilty and tried to get her pulled off.  The best player of the season!

Sharon and Asshole show up, and the four idiots confirm that Ryan is putting up Matt.  You know, since you all have that much influence over Ryan.  Jeez, two weeks immunity?  Was that really your best offer?  That offer sucks.  Ryan shows up, and Sharon makes the same promise the others have.  I gotta point out that the only person in this group who has been consistent in challenges is Chelsia.  James hasn't competed that often, and Asshole and Sharon have either done great or horrible in every competition, more often doing horrible.  What will two weeks of immunity from people who can't win HOH do?

I think I might hurl.

We now see Sheila putting on the unitard and GAH!  I saw Sheila's boobs!  Oh dear God, they're burned into my mind!  I'll never be able to look at cleavage the same way again!  (Sobs).  Anyway, Sheila's fat ass looks even fatter in the unitard, and her boobs look like they're about to rip the front of the thing in two.  Say whatever you want too about Jen Johnson (Lord knows I have), but Jen was hot.  Sheila looks like the victim of a plastic surgery and cigarette waste land.  Sheila says she's 45 (liar liar) and she thinks she looks good (a liar and deluded, a rare combo).  We now see Sheila...strut...in the unitard.  Sweet fuck why is God punishing me?  Adam says she looks hot.  No, she looks fat.  Jen looked hot.  Sheila looks fat.  And frankly, they need to burn that unitard, with or without Sheila in it.

Thankfully, Sheila does find time to remind us that she lost the ten grand.  Really?  I forgot.  Maybe you should whine about it every five seconds Sheila, then I'll remember.

I'm skipping every scene involving the money, because if I don't, this entry will be even longer.  All I will say is Chelsia doesn't believe that a game about playing for yourself allows people to be selfish (yes really), and Sheila whines a lot.  Chelsia accidentally says Sheila will "play the single mom card", something that offends Sheila.  Yeah, because you weren't just whining that you needed the money because you were a single mom!  Oh, right.  You were.  Dear God, Sheila is causing me to side with Chelsia, how sick is that?

Sadly, the sight of Sheila's tits
have blinded Ryan.

Sheila whines about Chelsia saying that to Adam, Natalie, and Ryan, convinced that they're going to go after Sheila.  I'm sure the other alliance is quaking in their boots at the thought of Sheila coming after them.  During Sheila's whine-session with Ryan, she pitches the idea of nominating James.

With all of that nonstop stupid out of the way, it's finally time for the fucking Veto meeting and the end of the episode.  Oh thank fucking God.  Chelsia decides to use the Veto on herself since her pimp would beat the shit out of her if she didn't, and Ryan must now choose a replacement.  Everyone looks on with anxiety, James calm, Asshole suppressing a shit eating grin, as Ryan stands up.

Ryan admits he's forced to make a difficult decision.  Not really, you either nominate your ally, or someone who screwed your alliance over and has a stupid mohawk.  Seems easy to me, and apparently is to Ryan also, because he nominates James for eviction.  James is shocked.  Chelsia is shocked.  Asshole is shocked.  Matty is cocky.  Natalie is thrilled.  And I'm laughing even harder.

Matt's head has now grown three sizes, as he pats Asshole on the cheek and tells James how sorry he is.  Matt, shut up before Asshole attacks you with the same knife he cut up Neil with!  Matt then stands up and proclaims that if they have problems they should come and tell him.  He yells a bunch of incomprehensible nonsense, and the episode ends.  Whatever.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?