Big Brother 9 - Episode 14

Previously on Big Brother: Sheila Kennedy Is A Cherry Flavored Bitch, Ryan was still HOH and nominated Sharon and Chelsia.  Chelsia won the Veto, Ryan won ten grand, and Sheila won a unitard and more excuses to gripe.  If she needed them.  Chelsia came down, James went up, and Matty now has a head that looks like this.

So over all, a normal few days.  It's sad that this is what passes for normal among these freak show rejects.  

Before I go any further, I must say their is a reason I chose to do Big Brother 9 as the season I snarked at.  Their are three really bad seasons of Big Brother agreed upon by most (though they'll still be defended by some people).  Big Brother 4.  Big Brother 9.  Big Brother 12.  Big Brother 12 was never in the running because it's bad for one reason.  It's boring!  It's one of the dullest shows I've ever had the misfortune of watching, especially after Rachel leaves.   Since it's so boring, that means I have almost nothing to make fun of.  Any review of an episode would consist of me saying "This sucks and is boring" one million times.  

So, that left Big Brother 4 & 9 in the running.  I originally was leaning towards 4 due to its stupid twists and racists moments, but I decided on 9 because of something that happened in this episode.  I called it the moment when the producers reached down from on high and flipped off everyone.  It was the moment they proclaimed "Screw the rules, screw the players, screw the viewers, we don't care".  

The recap reminds us that tonight one of the six idiots the viewers have been paying (yes paying money) to vote for "could" be coming back.  Keep that in mind for later.

The Chen-bot welcomes us in an odd combo of black sweater, chef shirt, stomach belt, and golf pants before recapping all the events of the week. Seconds after we watched a recap of the events of the week.  You ever get the feeling that the editors of this show are asleep at the wheel?  I do find it funny when our robotic host refers to Sheila as a "power player".  The closest Sheila comes to being a power player is using a battery powered dildo to play with herself.

The Chen-bot brings up the evicted house guests and tells us that we have voted to give an evicted player a chance to return to this game.  We did?  We're awesome!  Well, we would be if the chance we gave weren't bullshit.

We transition to immediately after the veto ceremony, where Chelsia saved herself and James was put up on the block.  Matt sets the bar for Class in this episode by yelling at Asshole, and running around gloating like the guido idiot he is.  Matt, you did nothing to keep yourself off the block.  NOTHING.  Ryan honestly wanted you on the block, and Sheila of all people saved you!  Natalie follows him around giggling like Matt had just agreed to sleep in the same bed with her.  They yap a bunch about Asshole being mad, Chelsia being mad, it's boring and I don't care.

We move up to the HOH where Chelsia is screeching up a storm.  She yells at Ryan how prepared she was for this, how this totally didn't catch her by surprise (could have fooled me), while Ryan stands there looking like he's baked on good weed.  Which he might be, weed is pretty much the only way to get through listening to Chelsia.  Ryan begins to explain and Chelsia begins screeching "two weeks!" and waving her finger in his face.  Were that me, Chelsia would be lucky to get that finger back.

Now Asshole comes in.  Yeah, things are always better when Asshole shows up.  Ryan again begins to explain why he did it, but logic matters not to Dumb and Dumber here.  Chelsia screams it'll hit the fan now (hasn't it already?), she never trusted Ryan and he won't play her for a fool.  Play nothing, Chelsia you're a fool all on your own.  It's really getting crazy as Chelsia yells about Ryan protecting his "fucking boy Matt", and honestly she's implying Ryan should have nominated his own ally because it's what she wanted.  People, words fail me.  Ryan correctly points out he could have taken her Veto away, and Chelsia replies "just you wait boy".  Boy?  He's six years older then you!  Or given how you're acting, twenty six.

Matt shows up next, because what this situation needed more of was gloating and ego.  Ryan agrees with my thinking and shuffles both Matt and Chelsia out so he can talk to Asshole.  Ryan confirms Asshole was never going to be nominated, and Asshole admits he trusts him.  NOOOOO!  Don't trust Asshole!  Evict him!

We cut to the living room where Sharon is bizarrely giddy about being evicted and going to sequester.  Yeah Sharon, you're the target this week.  You figured it out, Ryan is going nominated challenge threat and popular player James just to piss him off, and then evict the walking bag of nothing that is you.  It's a great plan.  Matt and Sheila both tell her she's safe, which she should assume, but as we learn in the DR, doesn't.  Natalie has to tell her flat out that they all want James gone.  Why on Earth would they evict a non-threat like Sharon?

Matt whines in the DR about the failure of his four men alliance.  I'm thrilled that it failed since had it succeeded, it probably would have been called the Four Horsemen, and the last thing we need is another alliance called that.  Matt talks about how he took it upon himself to include the lowly and miserable James, and then he heard word that James wanted to overthrow King Matt!  Yes Matt really does call himself king.

Now we go to the backyard where Matt has decided to grace the commoners by lifting weights with no shirt on in front of them.  God bless you for appearing in front of us King Matt.  Sheila is there also in a bikini (isn't she supposed to wear the unitard?) to reassure Ryan he did the right thing and confirm her James vote.  Since it's been almost a whole minute without fighting, Chelsia and Asshole enter to fix that problem.

The two immediately begin "talking" to Sheila.  Asshole yaps about how she must feel pulled in many different directions, and King Matt corrects him, stating Sheila is pulled in one direction.  He calls Asshole the...asshole of the house, thinking originally he was the asshole (you're the dick Matt, every male asshole must have a dick), and then tells Asshole his mother will be ashamed of him.  Nice King Matt, keep it classy.

Sharon tries to calm Asshole down, guess how well it works.  Sharon tells us in the DR people are starting to get scared of Asshole blowing up all the time.  It took them this long to get scared?  Asshole screams in the DR that if you want to set him off, tell him to shut up.  So that's why he blows up all the time.

We move to Sheila and Sharon sitting around the back yard fire.  Sheila thinks King Matt or Natalie could win.  Yes really.  Natalie.  Natalie who paints pictures of people in nail polish on paper plates.  Natalie who talks to God.  Natalie who blows a guy who treats her like shit.  Sheila thinks that this woman-

is a serious contender to win.  Just look at her 80's hair and vacant smile, and ponder this point.  Sharon flat out states she doesn't think Matty will win since the only time he gave her attention was during her HOH.  Oh come on, that's not true!  King Matt talked to you...uh...when...........moving on.  Sharon drops the "bomb" that her and King Matt made out, and Sheila is giddy at the idea that Sharon kissed the king.  Sharon tries to spin this like she's been working King Matt, but the only person stupid enough to believe that is Sheila.  Damn good thing that's who Sharon is talking to.

Sharon seems to forget that the only reason she's safe is because she's a non-threat and unwilling to do anything to win, something Sheila points out in the DR.  And if Sheila is pointing out that you're being stupid, you're really being stupid.  But Sharon continues to insist she's a big strategic threat, much bigger then James.  Of course you are Sharon.

Sheila then runs and tells Natalie in the HOH.  Natalie responds by grabbing the kitchen knife and considering how best to cut Sharon to pieces.

No, not really, though it would be awesome if she did that.  Natalie instead just stammers "no" several times without blinking.  Without warning, we're no longer in the HOH room but the sauna room, except Natalie and Sheila are still having the same conversation.  Natalie is no longer sure of how she'll vote, only that she wants to make the best decision for her.  That decision would be to leave the house Natalie, it's best for everyone.  Natalie is upset because King Matt kissed Sharon, and he's only supposed to kiss her damn it!  That's why they're married!  Or rather, not.  Nor are they dating. Natalie grows more and more crazy every day I think.  Natalie now might want to vote off Sharon, it's what her gut is telling her.  Yes, Natalie is now dictating voting based on her gut.  Be very afraid.

James wonders in because...fuck it, and Sheila and Natalie say they'll vote to keep him.  Yeah I believe that.  They want James to have their freaking back.  Because James should totally trust a bipolar stripper and a bitchy former Penthouse Playmate whose votes are determined by who pissed them off most recently.  Still James swears he will protect them.

Matt on his favorite subject

Now we see King Matt strolling through the kitchen where the peasants are.  He goes to Natalie to reconfirm James is gone.  Natalie decides it's a good time for a psychotic episode, by asking if he's going to bring Sharon or Natalie to the end.  Is it possible to respond "Neither"?  King Matt has no idea what she's talking about (nobody sane does), so he pulls her into the cabin room to talk.  Matt and Natalie have a non-fight, and King Matt admits he doesn't like any of the girls in the house.  Natalie says he better not mean her.  Natalie, he likes guys.  You need to realize this gentle point.  All we accomplish is Matt leaves Natalie and Natalie might be against him.  Such drama.

We return to the Chen-bot, who tells us that the votes have already been taken, but they're going to pad more by showing us the DR sessions of people before they voted.  Chelsia wants Sharon to leave because Sharon isn't playing the game but sitting around reading the Bible, unlike Chelsia who is binge drinking, swearing up a storm, and fucking every random hobo she meets.  That's totally playing the game.  Adam wants James gone because of Chelsia, I told you that girl was a poison.  Sharon needs to go because she's the quiet one.  Yeah, that's the best excuse he could come up with.  Matt wants James evicted for having a pink mohawk and because he's a stronger player then Sharon.  So?  The guinea pigs are stronger players then Sharon.

We now check in on the house guests in the living room.  The Chen-bot first talks to the King, who talks about how sorry he is for being a pompus ass.  Natalie is next, and she tells us her relationship with King Matt haven't changed.  King Matt calls her his BFFL, because we all receive blow jobs from close friends.  We next talk to Sheila and then see a video comparison of Sheila and Jen Johnson in the unitard.  Which is looks better in the unitard?  Jen may be crazy, but Jen's got a body I could jack off too, so I give it to Jen.

Fuck me, now we get to see the evicted house guests in their separate sequester houses.  First we see Stupid Man, who has a new hair-cut and a goatee.  Maybe this is the mirror universe version of Stupid Man.  Next we go to Jen and Parker.  Jen is still a bitch and Parker is still a tool.  Good to know.  Jen thinks they were never given a chance.  Yeah, it's not that you chose to blow your giant secret and your own allies chose to nominate you, you two weren't given a chance.  Moron.

Onward to Alex and Amanda's House Of Fun!  Alex and Amanda got to realize something in sequester.  They hate each other!  Yay, what a realization.  Maybe soon they'll realize everyone else hates them too.  Alex tells us he won't be a nice guy if he goes back into the house (because when I think nice guy, I think clingy jack off who obsessed over his partner he hated).  Amanda tells us "if I go back", and that's all I hear, as the thought of being subjected to Amanda again shorts out my brain.

Finally Allison.  I don't care what she has to say, but if she went back, at least Allison would take out Asshole, which makes her worthy in my book.  The Chen-bot announces it's time to reveal who America voted for.  Please note that all text-message votes placed cost people money.  People paid actual physical money to vote someone, who the Chen-bot reveals is Alex, back into the house.  If Alex doesn't go back, people essentially dumped their money down the toilet.

Before we get to see if Alex will be returning (spoiler alert!  He's not), we get more DR sessions.  Natalie wants Sharon out because the voices in her head tell her that's what she wants.  Natalie wants James gone also.  Sheila thinks Sharon is playing both sides of the house (yeah right).  Asshole says something, I don't care.

Finally it's time to reveal the vote.  Sharon looks nervous, James looks possibly high, possibly bored, possibly I don't care.  To the shock of no one, James was evicted by a 5-1 vote.  What a shock!  You totally almost fooled me into believing that James was going to be safe.  Well good-bye James, in a good season, you would be off to the Jury House.  Except, this is not a good season, this is Big Brother 9.  James exists quickly and sits down for his Chen-bot exit interview.  As is my policy, I am skipping all of it, except for the end.  This time I must report on the end.

"What if I told you this may not be the end of the line for you?" Those are the exact words that the Chen-bot said to James, and the moment my stomach dropped.  James says he'd be pants crappingly happy, and the Chen-bot reveals the twist.  The house guests will vote to either bring James or a "previously evicted house guest" back.

Big Brother blares the Stupid Twist Siren, and all the idiots run into the living room, kind of like trained dogs.  The Chen-bot comes on and begins to explain the twist.  First she shows them a box, stating inside of it is Alex.  Or rather, a "mystery house guest" who has already been evicted.  WHY ARE YOU NOT TELLING THEM!?  Why!?  If you don't tell them, they will never vote for them!  The house guests might think Amanda or Jen is inside of their!  Tell them for fuck sake tell them!  The Chen-bot calls it a "difficult choice".  Not for Ryan, Adam, Sheila, Natalie, and Matt who all wanted James gone.  All they have to do is vote for the mystery guest, right?

Wrong!  Both Adam and Natalie fail at thinking and vote for James to come back, giving James five votes to return.  So essentially, Ryan's run as HOH didn't count.  Oh, and unlike Chima in Big Brother 11, Ryan doesn't get to compete in the next HOH, but James does.

And this is why.  This moment right here.  This is literally the producers delivering a middle finger to the audience.  All they had to do to get Alex brought back was drop the stupid fucking "mystery house guest" bullshit, because Adam and Natalie voted for James specifically because they were afraid who the mystery guest might be.  Because of the producers, James got brought back in the house after Ryan put a target on himself evicting him.  Since Ryan can't play for HOH, if James wins, Ryan will be gone for no reason other then trying to obey the stupid rules of the producers.  Rules they happily change depending on what mood they're in.

The biggest loser here is America.  I may not like Alex, but America voted for Alex to come back.  Alex gets to come back.  No stupid vote, no stupid twist to save James, bring fucking Alex back!  They don't care though, they don't care what America wants or who America voted for, all the producers care about is "what stupid twist can we throw in next!?".

It's almost enough to make you sick.

We return to the living room, where their is now a large mystery box.  Lacking air holes.  I hope James can hold his breath.  To the shock of Ryan, Sheila, and King Matt, James bursts out of the box.  Ryan and Sheila both plaster on very fake smiles while backing away from James.  King Matt instead runs up to kiss James ass, patting him on the back and hugging him.

With that, it's time for the next HOH competition, Big Brother Disco.  Fitting name, since this season is deader then disco.  Each house guest gets on a small platform chained to a rotating ring, and is lifted into the air.  The ring spins them and a large champagne bottle sprays them with suds. The person who hangs on the longest is the new HOW.  The episode mercifully ends with the image of the house guests looking spin sick.

So Ryan's HOH amounted to nothing, James is back with a grudge, and the viewers are essentially being told to fuck off and die.  It's sad that I've come to expect this.  It really is.

WHO WILL SURVIVE?